First Christmas Away From Home

          This year is the first Christmas that I have ever been apart from my family. As the dorm where I am living has emptied out and people have been going home, it has been really hard. I let myself think of all I will be missing and allowed myself to become extremely homesick. Thursday and Friday were spent overeating white chocolate and feeling sorry for myself. However, you do not need to worry too much. Friday night I skyped my good friend Lisle. We have been reading The Bridge on the Drina, a nobel prize winning book by Ivo Andric which takes place in Bosnia. Friday was our second out of three book discussions on it. It is a really good book and Lisle and I have had wonderful discussion on it! It feels so good to be doing something a little more academic and of course, skyping with a good friend can always cheer me up.
         The other thing that cheered me up was more planning for my upcoming trip. Even as I want to be home for Christmas, I am probably more excited for what is actually going to happen. My cousin Cara is flying into Zagreb on Tuesday! Cara is a year older than me and we have always been close. But I still cannot believe that she is actually missing Christmas at home to come be with me! And we have an epic adventure planned! First, once she arrives in Zagreb (I am taking a bus there on Tuesday morning), we will travel by bus together down to Split. We will then spend 3 days exploring Split and neighboring towns and islands. My friend Miriam from Sarajevo will also be joining us a couple of days. Then, we will head back to Zagreb for two days. On the 30th, we will take a bus to Vienna, Austria where we will spend New Years. On New Years Ever, we will be running a 5.4 km race, then enjoying the New Years Eve Walk which includes a huge market and waltzing! On January 2, we will head over to Budapest, hungary for the last leg of journey. Cara will then fly home from Budapest on January 5 and I will head back to Osijek.
          So really, not a bad way to spend Christmas at all. And yesterday turned out to be a nice quiet day here in Osijek. I went for a long jog, then had a delicious lunch spent talking to my friend Debora, a long walk in the sunshine to two grocery stores to get snacks for my upcoming trip and a stroll by the Drava, and then an almost three hour skype call with my friend Amy and a two hour skype call with my mom. Both of which felt like I was just hanging out and not so far away. Today, I slept in and have plans of packing and cleaning and going the the church's Christmas program. And then it is only one more day before my next adventure begins!

Different Version of Myself Part 2

          A few months ago I wrote a post about my fear of not being able to be the person I want to be- the person I was at EMU (http://julia-exploringtheinfiniteabyss.blogspot.com/2013/08/becoming-different-version-of-myself.html). And in many ways, this fear is a reality… I am not the person I was. I don’t believe people here know the complex person I am, but strangely, I have become comfortable this. People might not know a lot know the real me, but I have become okay with this.
           So you might be wondering, who am I here in Croatia? First, I would say I am quiet…quiet and shy. At EMU, I was so full of confidence and as a Senior in several leadership positions, I would talk to anyone. But it took me three years to obtain that confidence. Here, I am not in any sort of leadership role and I am not top dog. Instead, I am by myself in a place where I do not know what is expected culturally or socially, I don’t speak the central language, and no one knows my background. I find myself intimidated in social situations and thus flee to my room.
           And it is here in my room that I sit now. Because in my room, I feel safe. In my room, I can still be the person I think I am. Here, I spend my days (when not at work or otherwise engaged) studying Croatian, writing and skyping friends and family back home, researching peace initiatives in this country, reading books just for fun, and more. I feel like I am Cinderella from the 1997 Whitney Houston version where Brandy sings about “her own little corner,” the chair in the corner where Cinderella is able to pretend to be whoever she wants. In my room, I am I can be who I want to be. Especially when I write or skype my loved ones back home, I feel like myself. Knowing that there are so many people out there who know the real me, makes me feel okay that people here don't.
          I don't want you to get the impression that I never leave my room or I never talk to people because that is not true either. During my work in the library, I talk with the other volunteers (mostly in English, but sometimes I also practice my Croatian). Like I have mentioned before, I feel comfortable in the library. I have a job to do and I do it well. And I am friends with the people I work with and even joke around with them. On Friday, was the seminary's Christmas party and I became part of the decoration committee and spent the two evenings before (and part of my work time in the library), helping prepare for the event. People commented on my artistic ability, which felt really good. It was really fun helping prepare and feeling a part of things.
          Saturday night, I was invited to help make and eat crepes (referred to as pancakes here). The evening eventually morphed into a small dance party and a movie night. It was really fun, but in this type of situation, I find it the hardest to be myself because people were mostly speaking Croatian. I can understand eating and dancing, but I cannot yet follow conversation. So even though I am so glad I was included and I really did enjoy the night, I could not help but feel left out and not myself. This is no one's fault and is part of living in a foreign country.
          And so I try to have a balance. I try to be social and talk to people and let people get to know me. But I also give myself grace when I fail at being outgoing. It takes a lot of time for me to become comfortable and I have only been here two months. I also allow myself to escape to my room so I can feel free to be myself. I can write and skype back home to be energized to leave my room once more and discover more that Croatia has to offer. I am no longer desperately homesick and I rarely have really bad days. I have become content with where I am at, even if I am not completely satisfied with who I am outside my bedroom door. 

A different type of Thanksgiving

          I arrived back in Osijek yesterday afternoon from my week of traveling. Honestly, I was not happy to be back. I had such a good time exploring new places and reconnecting with old friends that I had no desire to come back to my life here. However, today has been a great day. I was welcomed back to the library with a hug from Joška, the oldest volunteer in the library. He had told me before I left that I was not allowed to get married when I was gone because I was needed in the library. Although he was joking, I could tell that he was happy today that I was back. Joška actually just received an award tonight for his great volunteer work in the library. I joined a vanfull of people form the seminary to go to the old city where there was a special ceremony on International Volunteer Day for Joška and others receiving awards. As I celebrated with him, I realized that although I am not completely comfortable or happy here in Osijek, I have found a place where I belong. And driving through the city on the way home tonight, I realized that the streets and buildings are familiar here. Slowly, Osjiek is becoming my home.
          A week ago I boarded a bus at 10:30 pm, which drove through the nights with many stops, before finally reaching Split around 10:15 am. The last three hours of the trip, although were really slow with a million stops, was absolutely breathtaking as it went along the coast. I was finally able to see the Adriatic sea, islands, and coastline for which Croatia is so famous. It really is as great as everyone has told me and I would strongly encourage everyone to go and see it! After leaving my backpack in a locker, I took off to explore the city. I was blown away by the old city with all the winding paths and darling buildings. I walked along the sea then hiked to the top of this hill overlooking the entire city. I ate a Thanksgiving dinner of an ice cream cone, while sitting under a palm tree. By the time I met Julianne, the BVSer living in Split, in the early afternoon, I was worn out from walking and the long night on the bus. Although Julianne had to work, I enjoyed staying in her apartment and being able to video skype my family (YAY for working internet!)
          Friday morning, Julianne and I took a 10:55 bus to Mostar. This was a four hour bus ride, but the first two hours were once again along the coast. As we headed into Bosnia, I was able to observe the countryside there. I was surprised at how much the mountains and even houses reminded me of Iraqi Kurdistan! My director, Kristin, and BVSer Stephanie met us at the bus station and we took our stuff to Stephanie's apartment before going out to get some groceries to make our Thanksgiving dinner. The dinner turned out great! We had mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, stuffing, corn, beans, chicken, pumpkin pie, and ice cream! It was all so delicious! Saturday morning we got to explore Mostar a bit.
          I found Mostar really interesting. It is a more Mediterranean climate (although it was cold when I was there) so there are palm trees and pomegranate trees. The city was once a part of the Ottoman empire and Turkish influences are still everywhere. I was so surprised to feel like I was back in Istanbul looking at the different souvenirs. Mosques are prevalent all over the city and you can drink Turkish coffee and eat baklava! I loved feeling like I was back in Turkey/Iraq! The other interesting par of Mostar is that you can see remnants of the war everywhere. There are many bombed out buildings still standing around the city. Saturday afternoon we went to a nearby town to see the mouth of the river and an old Dervish building. We drank Turkish tea (just like I became accustomed to) and ate Turkish delight and rice pudding. It was so nice to escape the cold and have time to relax. Later in the day, I was able to read for a long time before going to to eat at a great local restaurant. It was really nice being with the other BVSers, hearing about their projects, and learning more about my neighboring country.
          Sunday morning I took a two and a half hour bus ride from Mostar to Sarajevo. The ride was goregous, as we travelled along a river. As we got higher in elevation, there was snow everywhere. And although I am not a fan of snow, it looked beautiful. Seriously, the villages looked like mini winter wonderlands! My friend Miriam, then met me at the bus station.Miriam and I knew each other when I was very little in Kansas. Our parents were in the same church small group, but Miriam is five years older than me so even then we did not know each other well and I moved away when I was six. Miriam is doing SALT (a volunteer program with Mennonite Central Committee) in Sarajevo this year and when she heard I would also be in the Balkans (the Mennonite world is very connected), she got in contact with me in Phoenix this summer and we decided to meet up. And it was great! Although we really did not know each other, we connected right away and I felt right at home staying with her. I actually felt more at home with her than I have felt since coming with her. There is something about being with another Mennonite and Kansan that makes me feel completely comfortable and at home.
          My three days in Sarajevo were spent walking around, making and eating food in Miriam's apartment, drinking hot chocolate (white hot chocolate!) at a local cafe, salsa dancing, meeting the other MCCers, buying food at local markets, talking, touring her work, and much more. Although I did not fall madly in love with Sarajevo like I was expecting to, I did enjoy it. It was a lot more what I was expecting Croatia to be... it does not feel like a Western place. But it is bustling and busy, which I loved. However, it is also really dirty and smoggy. I did not really enjoy my hair smelling like smog after an afternoon walk. One of the other things that I did was learn from Miriam how to make zwieback. Now zwieback is a Russian Mennonite bread recipe that I grew up with. However, my mom never learned how to make them and thus I have also never known. But Miriam not only knew, she had worked at a bakery in Kansas for two years making them, so I was learning from the best. It was great to not only get to know a new place, but connect back with my own roots. I hope to make zwieback myself once I get my own apartment when I move to Zagreb.
          The week was truly spectacular, but now I am back to work in the library. But it is less than three weeks until Christmas which brings with it more traveling and a new adventure!

A Visit From My Director

          This past weekend, my director from Switzerland came to Osijek to visit me. She visits every project in Europe once a year and she always comes to the Balkans around Thanksgiving time. It was fun having her here and showing her around Osijek as well as letting her see what my daily life looks like. She arrived on Thursday night and left early Sunday morning. During that time she came with me to work, sat in on my Croatian lesson, and explored the city together. Friday afternoon we went to lovely place called Cookie Cafe where we drank tea and ate cookies. We ate out on a boat restaurant on the Drava before meeting up with the professor who arranged for me to come to the seminary. We learned about the different peace projects she has been involved with as well as met a man who as a child, spent 260 days in a concentration camp during the war here in Croatia. He now travels around telling his story. He was very inspiring and I plan to write more about him after I finish reading his story.
         Saturday, we went to the center of town and visited the tourist office as well as the bus station so Kristin could buy her ticket for the next day. We then took part in a small protest that was happening on the central square. The Croatian government is voting on a referendum on December 1 that would add "marriage is for one man and one woman" to the Constitution. A rally of sorts was taking place in support. However, we met a group of young people that were speaking out against the referendum. I was very happy to join these protestors in action against the referendum and show my support as an ally. I also befriended one of the young people and learned about the NGO he works for, called Youth Initiative for Human Rights. I am hoping to be able to do a sort of internship with them during my time in Croatia as they are opening as office soon in Osijek.
          Kristin and I then explored a little bit of the old city. We got to climb on the city walls, which was really great. I have learned to love climbing on city walls through my experiences in Derry, Northern Ireland, Diyarbikir, Turkey, and Istanbul. After a time of exploring we met up with the man I will be working for when I move to Zagreb. It was great to be able to talk with him a little bit and hear about the work I will be doing for the next two years when my official placement begins. Saturday afternoon was spent drinking tea inside out of the rain and cold, then venturing out for dinner. It was so nice to have someone who knows me more to talk to and be able to process my first month with.
          The reason that Kristin comes to the Balkans around Thanksgiving is to have the BVSers of the region come together for the holiday. She visited one BVSer in Split Sunday, Monday, and today, then tomorrow will head to Mostar, Bosnia to visit another one. I am following in her path and will take a night bus to Split tomorrow night. I will arrive Thursday morning and will spend Thanksgiving exploring the city on my own. I will stay with the BVSer there, then the two of us will travel to Mostar together on Friday. It will be so nice to explore new places and spend time with other volunteers! On Sunday morning I will take a bus up to Sarajevo where I will visit a friend who is with Mennonite Central Committee and stay with her until Wednesday morning. I will then make my way back up to Osijek. It will be nice to have a week away and see another part of the region. 

Gold Forever / Being Infinite

Say my name like its the last time
Live today like its the last night
We want to cry but we know its alright
Cause I'm with you and you're with me

Butterflies, butterflies, 
We were meant to fly, you and I, you and I
Colors in sky, we can rule the world someday somehow
But we'll never be as bright as we are now

We're standing in a light that won't fade
Tomorrow's coming but this won't change
Because some days stay gold forever
The memory of being here with you is one I'm going to take my life through
Because some days stay gold forever

Promise me you'll stay the way you are
Keep your fire alive and stay young at heart
When the storms feels like it will blow you out
Remember you got me, and I got you.

Butterflies, butterflies
We were meant to fly, you and I , you and I
When the innocence is dead and gone, these will be the times we look back on

I won't, I won't let your memory go because your colors, they burn so bright
Who knows, who knows what tomorrow will hold but I know that we'll be alright


We're standing in a light that won't fade
Tomorrow's coming but this won't change
Because some days stay gold forever
The memory of being here with you is one I'm going to take my life through
Because some days stay gold forever

These are the lyrics to my favorite song called Gold Forever sung by The Wanted. I first heard it a year and a half ago and since then I have been asking people about days or moments they remember as golden: the times in  your life that you will always remember as being perfect. As the song says, these are the memories we will remember when life gets hard and those people that were there are the ones who will always be there. As I am adjusting to my new life in Croatia, I want to share a few of my golden days. I have had many of these in the past four years, but I shall only mention a few here.

..... Freshman year of college I had a field trip to DC and my friend Lisle came with me. We had the perfect day of visiting art museums (my first time at an art museum, where I think I first fell in love with art) then iceskating on the mall (my very first time iceskating), then ending with a Shakespeare play.

..... Sophomore year of college my roommate Rachel came home with me for fall break. We got to drink apple cider, go through a corn maze with Jana and another friend from high school, then spend a terrific day at Cedar Point. That semester was also the semester when our friend Shelby practically lived in our room as a third roommate. We would have the absolute best dance parties and late night talks.

..... Junior year of college I was in Paris for a class trip. Krissy and I ventured off on our one night to visit my family who had just arrived for vacation. After saying hi, we went to a church service at the Sacre Cour (this is around 10pm). After the service we heard some music and went to investigate. A guy was playing his guitar and singing covers of songs to a group gathered. Krissy and sat down and listened and sang along (he sang many of my favorite songs) as we overlooked the entire city. On our way back to the hostel, we stopped to take our pictures together in a photo booth.

..... Senior year of college I went to Philadelphia with five dear friends of mine (Josh, Krista, Seth, Rachel, and Erin) for a conference. Although the conference was good, what I will remember most is the time that we all spent together, exploring the city, watching MegaMind, and taking silly pictures together. Just a week later Krista and I had an exceptional evening of drinking tea together and stargazing. I then left the next day with my roommate Ruth and three other friends to explore Istanbul together.

..... This summer when Josh, Ruth, James, and Jenna came to Colorado to visit me was a golden week! Everything was perfect and I don't know if I have ever been happier. I was in my favorite place in the entire world and with some of my closest friends, acting silly, listening to great music, and going on awesome adventures.

..... And the final one I will mention also happened this summer. Krissy came to visit for a couple of days and on the way back to Detroit to drop her off at the airport we talked a lot. I was processing a large conflict I have having with someone and she just listened and voiced her continued support. We then played Gold Forever and as we sang out loud, I knew that things would be okay because I had her in my life. I knew that Krissy would always be there for me. As would Lisle, Rachel, Shelby, Josh, Krista, Jana, Amy and the many other close friends I have. And they have been. As I have emailed and skyped with my friends, I have been able to transition to living here and knowing that no matter the storm I would be okay.

What have been your golden moments? When have you felt the most alive? And more importantly, who were you with? Who are the people that help you realize that everything is going to be okay?

I want to end this post with a quote from my favorite movie, Perks of Being a Wallflower. The movie describes this same feeling of golden moments but with the idea of feeling infinite. You probably could guess that I love this quote because it is also linked to the title of my blog. I like to see life as an infinite abyss and when we are living life to the fullest, we also feel that we are infinite.

I know these will all be stories someday. And our pictures will become old photographs. We'll all become somebody's mom or dad. But right now these moments are not stories. This is happening. I am here and I am looking at her. And she is so beautiful. I can see it. This one moment when you know you're not a sad story. You are alive, and you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you're listening to that song and that drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment I sear, we are infinite.

The first step into peace work

          I have now been in Croatia for four weeks! Four weeks of transitioning and learning about myself, a new country, and of course a new language. In the midst of this transition, I have temporarily forgotten one of the main reasons that I have come here. And that is to learn about peace work and the war that occurred here less than twenty years ago. It is strange to think of this place in the midst of war... life seems so normal now. However, as I visited the Osijek Center for Peace, Nonviolence and Human Rights on Thursday, I learned a lot more about the effects of war on the people here and work being done for justice and human rights.
          First, though, I want to mention two instances when I witnessed reconciliation at work. The first happened a couple of weeks ago here at the seminary with a presentation of the Bible, newly translated into the Bosnian language. Most of the presentation was in Croatian, but the last speaker was from the U.K. and thus spoke in English. He has helped translate the Bible into many different languages and helped with this new translation. He explained that the main translators of the Bible were actually Muslims. These Muslims from Bosnia, wanted the Bible translated into Bosnian as a sign of reconciliation towards the Christians in the country. He went to talk about how these Muslims were cousins of Christians and we should not be afraid of the differences between the two religions. Coming from EMU, hearing someone talk on inter-faith dialogue is not a new concept, but it was interesting to hear it in the context of Bosnia, where Christians and Muslims live side by side.
          The second instance of reconciliation was at the youth conference I attended in Zagreb and this weekend at the Pentecostal church I attend. The youth conference brought in participants from not just Croatia, but Slovenia, Bosnia, and Serbia. This did not seem like a big deal to me, but one of my translators pointed out to me how incredible this really is. At one point they had people from the different countries stand up and everyone else cheered loudly. I was told that for Croatians to be cheering loudly for Serbians is really unique and does not happen. And this weekend, a Roma band from Serbia has been here and leading worship in several different services. I have loved to hear this new kind of music (think of a normal praise band, but then add violin, clarinet, and accordion) and enjoyed getting to know more about Serbia and Roma culture. However, I also realize that this is not normal for the country. It really impresses me that the evangelical church here really works to be a church body across nationalistic and political lines. This is reconciliation at work.
          But now, I am hoping to really learn so much more about peacebuilding here in Croatia. My meeting with the staff of the peace center went great and I hope to have coffee with them again this week. They gave me several books and magazines to read about peace work in this region after the war and I have spent part of my weekend being all nerdy, reading up on how groups are monitoring war crime trials and specific peacebuilding practices that occurred after the war. Reading has brought back some of my passion and my excitement to be here in this country, which I had lost as I had been feeling homesick and awkward. It reminded me of what I want to do with my life and the importance of learning Croatian. But it has also challenged me to keep questioning what I am doing.

The following is a list that Goran Božičević has written about why internationals enter the peacebuilding field. It doesn't paint a pretty picture, but I think this list is important for young idealists like myself to think about as we enter into international peacebuilding.

a) Peacebuilding is a new field, not many people are even aware of its existence - so activists can consider themselves as pioneers, even as making history. 

b) Peacebuilders are supposed to bring about change, or at least manage it, which gives a powerful feeling.
c) We can earn quite a good income from working 'in peacebuilding'. Plus, if we count more than money, we earn huge benefits: experience, exposure to different cultures, contacts...
d) Peace work takes place in situations at the edge of danger, which means that it is emotionally demanding (so we have the rewarding feeling that we are doing a hard job).
e) We have the privilege of being part of big, powerful, dominant structures, but we are also distant from them. What I mean is that our passport is -often- protecting us. Established, functioning, efficient health and social care systems are backing us up. If the situation should worsen, evacuation will be organised for us. Our kids have access to all the resources 'those kids in the field' do not have. We are/feel like 'normal' people - but in the 'field' reality, we are not.
f) We consider ourselves as 'good guys', even though we never say so. As we are fixing what 'bad guys' have done, we must be the good ones. This feeling creates individual and collective 'identity'.
g) Wherever you work, whatever conflict you are managing (they are 'all the same' or -well- 'similar') you always find someone you know from some other crisis - an old friend. The more you work and travel, the more people you know. In the end, we are one (relatively small) community.*

*From Collusion and Disobedience: Positive peacebuilding practices in Croatia in 1990s and later. 

Being a kid again

          As many of you know, I am attempting to learn Croatian. I say attempting because Croatian happens to be one of the hardest languages to learn. And since I have never really learned a language before (Spanish in high school doesn't really count), I am learning how difficult it really is. But my tutor is great and slowly (VERY SLOWLY), I am picking up a few words and phrases. My newest plan is to attempt to read children's books. I figure they can't be that hard and I love reading, so this is the perfect way to learn! I have a few children's Bibles and today a friend checked out this book about bicycles from the library for me to read. Luckily, it has easy words and lots of pictures. Even so, I am still struggling with the all the words. 

          Another thing that makes me feel like a kid again is the essay I had to write last weekend for my homework. My tutor knew I was going to the zoo, so she gave me zoo words and told me to write about my time. This is my essay. "Idem u zoo s mojim prijateljem. Vidimo puno životine. Moja najdraža životinja je žirafa. Dvije žirafe su u zoo-u u Osijeku. Mojem prijatelju se sviđa tigar. Tigar spava. Majmuni u kavezu su smiješni. Blizu lava je medvjed. Tamo su tri vuk. Jedan vuk je ljut. Ne hranimo životinje. Ptice su zanimljive i lijepe. Ribe su dosadne. Mi ze zabovljamo."

          Translated, this reads, "I go to the zoo with my friend. We see lots of animals. My favorite animal is the giraffe.  There are two giraffes in the zoo in Osijek. My friend likes the tiger. The tiger sleeps. The monkeys in the cage are funny. Next to the lion is the bear. There are three wolves. One wolf is angry. We did not feed the animals. The birds are interesting and pretty. The fish are boring. I had fun." As you can tell, I do not know past tense yet and my transitions are a little rough. But for being here under four weeks, it is not too bad. I am anxious for the time when I just know Croatian, but that will only come with time and much practice. So for now, I will try to enjoy being a kid again.