A Month in Elgin

          I often forget how crazy life can get. Emotions can change in a blink of an eye and you learn how to transition. Humans are pretty incredible in how they can adapt and survive. And in these crazy transitions I often find that I can't seem to find the words to write or even the motivation. But I have made it my goal to try to catch up. I got an incredible amount of views on my last post and I feel like I should clarify part of my thought process... My blog is my journal and shows one point in time. I have struggled with my faith, but that is honestly only a small piece of what is happening and what I have been thinking about. I feel like it might have seemed more dramatic than it actually is. Especially in the last couple of weeks, I have thought very little about this struggle as I have been busy and my thoughts are elsewhere.    

         I do want to share a bit about my time in Elgin. I spent a month working for BVS at the headquarters of the Church of the Brethren. Since I overlapped with someone else it was sometimes a challenge to always find something to be working on. However, looking back, I actually got a lot accomplished in the time I was there. I enjoyed helping get things together for the fall orientation. The BVS staff is just really great and I am so thankful for this great organization I have joined. I really feel like I am in the right place and have been able to see what a ministry and blessing BVS is on people's lives. 

          Although I was there for work, I tried to get the most out of my time in Elgin. My first weekend my dear friend Amy came to visit and we walked all over town and saw what there is to discover. Elgin is technically a suburb of Chicago, but didn't really feel like one to me. There are all these old Victorian houses everywhere (mostly rundown) and everyone is so friendly. I loved running and everyone I pass smiling and greeting me. One woman even encouraged me... "You can do it! You can do it!" It seemed like a cool place with a river running through the middle and a huge city library.

          Being so close to Chicago, I was able to take the train in several times. I actually made it six times in the four weeks. Two of those times were for Cubs games. A couple of people gave me nd the house tickets since they knew we were poor and couldn't afford it ourselves. Another Saturday I met two of my good college friends, Lisle and Elias downtown Chicago. We walked all around, went out to eat with Lisle's parents, explored an used book store and an art museum, then played games back at my house in Elgin. Another afternoon was spent at the Jazz Festival. I went with my housemate Jenna and met up with two BVSers from my orientation. There, I made a friend with a five year old boy named Michael and played and danced with him while his parents listened to the jazz.

          The last weekend, Jenna and I went to Chipotle's Cultivate Festival. My dearest friend Jana came in from Goshen and we listened to some great bands as well as learned about the terribleness of factory farms and got coupons for free burritos! The day was great, except for the fact that the many miles of walking gave my feet terrible blisters! The next day Jana and I went back into Chicago and went to Navy Pier. It was a great time hanging out and being together one last time before I leave and she gets married. I cannot believe that her wedding is only two weeks away!!! I am so excited for her special day and am excited to celebrate with her!

          My time in Elgin came to a close with a perfect night with my housemates. We all had a good dinner together (chili, corn bread, and pineapple) then went out to ice cream, then played a board game. I was only there a short time, but I got close with my housemates and it was a bit sad lea Inge, knowing that I would not be coming back. After spending almost a week at home, I am now back in New Windsor for the fall orientation.

Losing My Faith Again

          My blog is really a journal I keep. As an extrovert, I do not do well with recording my thoughts and feelings, when I would so much rather talk with someone about them. However, I really like to write and thus a blog is the perfect way to write/journal and share what I am thinking with others. As my journal, I try to make it as honest as possible. I truly want to have a record of where I was during a certain moment in time, realizing that who I am is always changing. It is really incredible as I have read back over my writings in the past two years to see where I have struggled and where I have changed. It might not be the healthiest to put all my feelings out in public domain where anyone might come across it, but I have learned not to be ashamed of who I am, even if others might disagree and I might change later.
         All that to say is that faith is one area where I am been struggling and I am want to be honest with myself of where I am at right now. The truth is I believe I have lost my faith. I titled this blog entry, "Losing My Faith Again" after reading my blog post from a year ago, "Finding My Faith Again" (http://julia-exploringtheinfiniteabyss.blogspot.com/2012/08/finding-my-faith-again.html). As I have gone throughout this past year (which really has been one of the best years of my life), I find myself having so many more questions about God that I cannot find satisfactory answers. I find myself drawn to the church (I was a faithful church attender this past year at Shalom Mennonite in Harrisonburg), while at the same time, getting farther and farther from God.
         I will not go into my specific questions right now (as there are a lot of them concerning God and God's role in the world), but I wanted to express how I feel kind of caught. On one hand, I want to have faith and be a reckless believer of an all-loving God. I love the idea of nuns who "marry" God. They are so sure in their beliefs that they literally spend their lives living as Christ. I think that kind of love is beautiful and romantic. I am drawn to Mennonite theology and want to spend my life in service and of love to others around me. I agree fully with the ideas of simple-living, peacemaking, and service. And for a lot of people, it is God who inspires these ideas. But, as much as I want to, I don't feel this God and I don't see this God working in the world. And I understand that faith is more than seeing, but with all my questions, faith in God just doesn't make sense. As much as I like the idea of God, I can't seem to fully believe.
         But I can't not believe either. Last week I found myself just wanting so badly to be able to call myself an atheist. I think life in many ways makes sense without a God. I read a book a few years back called "Good Without God: What a Billion Nonreligious People Do Believe" by Greg Epstein. The book talked about humanism and I found myself agreeing with most everything in the book. It made sense... I think the world without a God makes sense. But even so, I couldn't quite convince myself there wasn't a God. And now, when I have more questions than ever and am at a point when I would be open enough to say I am an atheist, I cannot ignore something in me telling me that God exists.
         Where does that leave me? At orientation I declared myself to be agnostic for the first time. I have never liked the idea of agnosticism... not quite believing, but not quite an atheist. It seemed somehow weak and shallow. But that is where I am right now. I think it will change... I don't think that I will stay agnostic for too long. My spiritual director has no doubts that I will find my faith again. I am not as sure as she, but I am hoping in my time abroad, where I am away from everything I have known, I will find some sort of clarity, be it one way or the other. As always, I am open to hear anyone's thoughts (julias.nicole@gmail.com).