Tuesday, April 21, 2015

The Spiritual Journey as an Adventure

          I am at the point in the semester when I really do not have time for blogging. I really shouldn't have time for sleeping, eating, or socializing, but I am doing all of those, so why not blog? My mind has been so full of different thoughts. My trip out east was so meaningful and I am still mulling over conversations that I had there. On my drive home, I listened to several podcasts and then upon arriving home, I have dove back into my theological reading. I wish I had more time to process all this that is happening. But I do want to share a little of my current faith journey. Below are some quotes from the book What Would Jesus Deconstruct: The Good News of Post-modernism for the Church by John D. Caputo. I read this for my cultural hermeneutics class and saw my own journey in these words.

     "But a genuine adventure means venturing out into the unknown, where no one knows the way and we are not sure whose steps to follow... Are we not like people following an obscure clue, on the tracks, on the trail, in the trace of something-we-are-not-sure-what? Are those who write about spiritual journeys sometimes a little too assure about where they are going and how to get there? There are, after all, two ways to be on the way: the first, in which one knows the way and the task is to get there (which certainly can be hard enough), and the second, in which one must, like an explorer, find the way. In the latter and, I am inclined to think, more postmodern situation, one is always a little lost, where being lost and being on the way, far from excluding each other, mutually imply each other." Page 39.

For those who know me well, you know that I love adventure. I crave adventure. And so to speak of my spiritual journey as an adventure makes a lot of sense. This current adventure of mine here at seminary has been me feeling lost. I can't say why I am here. I can't tell you how I am going to use my degree or what use a theological education is. But perhaps, like the quote explains, being lost means that I am on my way. Where that is, I don't know, but right now I am very excited about the adventure.

     "We have a sense, a faith, a hope in something, a love of something we know not what, something that calls on us. The great dignity of being human lies in pursuing goals for which there is no guarantee of success and even, at a certain point, no hope of success. But being 'religious people,' by which I mean people who dream of things that have never been and ask 'why not?' we still pursue them." Page 49.
     "Real journeys are full of unexpected turns and twists, requiring a faith that can move mountains and a hope against hope, where one does not see what one was trying to do until the journey is completed." Page 52.

I think this describes beautifully the reason why I am here at seminary. I have this sense, this hope, this love of something that I cannot fully describe. Perhaps it is God? And perhaps I won't know until the journey is over.

          While visiting my friend Amy in DC, I went with her to a church service where her housemate Ian spoke. He delivered this beautiful sermon on "Where is God?" http://8th-day.org/sermons/where-god I encourage everyone to read the entire thing, but I want to use a quote from it here, because it seemed to just fit perfectly with Caputo's reading and my own faith journey.

     "Quite honestly, I do not have an answer the question I posed in this sermon.  Where is God?  I cannot always be sure.  My home church, First Unitarian Church of St Louis, used to have a banner out front that read, “The Search is the Answer.”  This feels right to me.  More than a clever, quotable statement of Unitarian Universalist theology, it is an ambitious truth.  Questions often leave us reeling in the dark.  To be present in the suffering of our search and to extend grace to ourselves throughout is quite a radical notion.  And to celebrate it seems just short of madness.  But what if we make that journey together?  We may not come from the same place or even arrive at the same answers, but maybe our connection along this road is the answer.  Maybe there we encounter a love subversive enough to claim divinity."  

I love that last line. This is the journey that I am on. It is a journey where there are not a lot of answers, but that is also the beauty of it. And I am not alone. The great thing about this journey is that I join a community of believers who do are not perfect but are on this adventure together and perhaps it is in the adventure, in the search, that we will encounter the divine.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Southern Air

          My heart is so full (in the best of ways) as I write this. I am currently in Washington DC, a stop on my Spring Break road trip. I have known that I needed to make this trip since I arrived back in the United States, but it was only now that I have been able to do it. I started Saturday night with a visit to Pittsburgh before traveling to Harrisonburg, VA, now in DC, tomorrow to Lancaster, and finally spending the weekend in Elmira, NY. So far I have spent quality time with ten different friends. It has been crazy, but so good. I have needed this trip in so many ways.
          The last couple of months have been hard. The last two years have been hard. I started two blog posts in the last month that I never finished about how I have been feeling depressed. How I feel like I am lost and I just don't quite know who I am in the world anymore. At EMU I was so sure and I was surrounded by people that knew me and loved me unconditionally. I missed people desperately, but even more so, I missed who I used to be. I missed the home I formed at EMU and I thought it was gone forever. But this week I have been reminded that this isn't true at all.
          You see, EMU is not a place or an experience, but a part of who I am. I might not be in college anymore, but the person I became there is still the person I am today. The deep connections I had with people there are still the deep connections I have today. Just because I have felt lost does not mean that I am not the same passionate person I was at EMU. One close friend told me that I haven't changed at all. And while that is not quite true (as I hope I learned and grew through my time in Croatia and now at seminary) it was so good to be reminded that I am still me. I am still that person I was at EMU even as I am finding what that means when I am in a new place. I needed to be with the people who know me completely to remind me of who I am and remind me just how loved I am.
          That is what I have felt the most of this trip. Just an incredible amount of love. I think a part of me wondered going back if the connections I felt with people would still be there. I was worried that I really was alone in the world. In Goshen it has been hard to form the same level of connections with people. But coming back East, my friendships haven't changed. The connections are still there and the love is deeper than ever. And it is this love I am going to take back with me. I am coming back to Indiana renewed, but I know hard times are still ahead. But instead of mourning being far from the people I love most, I want to hold onto these moments and be able to feel this love when I am back feeling lonely again.
          And I think that I finally have closure on my college experience. My time at EMU was amazing, but it is time to move on. But I know that it will always be a part of me. It will always be home. The people and the place will always be there when I need it most. And knowing this, I hope I can finally fully embrace my seminary experience and the ways Goshen will transform my life. I have so many more thoughts about what this week has meant for me and hopefully I will be able to process it more and do more writing. But I end this post with the lyrics of a Yellowcard song. For me, my "southern air" is EMU and all the people I love most in my life.

I've watched the world go by
Outside a window I still can't believe
Where I am now

It's been forever long
Adventures come and gone
And I'm left alone
But not let down

'Cause I have found a gravity
A voice that pulls me to my knees
Tellin' me remember where you're from

This southern air is all I need
Breathe it in and I can see
Canvases behind my eyes
All the colors of my life

This southern air is in my lungs
It's in every word I've sung
It seems the only truth I know
This will always be home

I thought about the day
When I could truly say I'm better now, well here I am
'Cause I have let this gravity grab a hold and carry me
and I will not
Forget where I am from
Forget where I am from

This southern air is all I need
Breathe it in and I can see
Canvases behind my eyes
All the colors of my life

This southern air is in my lungs
It's in every word I've sung
Seems the only truth I know
This will always be home
Always be home
Always be home

The sun lays down inside the ocean, I'm right where I belong
Feel the air, the salts on my skin the future's coming on
And after living through these wild years and coming out alive
I just want to lay my head here, stop running for a while

This southern air is all I need
Breathe it in and I can see
Canvases behind my eyes
All the colors of my life

This southern air is in my lungs
It's in every word I've sung
Seems the only truth I know
This will always be home
Always be home