Yesterday I was meeting a new volunteer at the Center for Healing and Hope (CHH) and her first words were, "so you're the writer!" Although I have not been writing on this blog or writing grad school papers, I have been writing monthly emails for CHH as well as a series of Advent devotionals back in December. The writing skills I have worked to develop for years have proved useful in my professional life as I write to raise money for immigrant families during this crisis, as well as to give allies ideas of how they can be involved in immigration advocacy. This part of my job at CHH has been extremely fulfilling as writing has always been a way for me to connect my thoughts and organize them in a way that is helpful for me to understand the world in a different way. I am glad that it can also help others see the world differently and connect them with simple actions to take during this time that can have a huge impact on our community.
This is why I am writing this blogpost today. This is not a blogpost for others to read, although people might, but rather a way for me to collect my thoughts during this historical moment in the world. I want a record of what I am doing, feeling, and thinking during this time in order that I might learn from it and see the world in a new way. I want to start with the positive things that have been going on. The first thing I want to mention is my relationship with Jon. We are both so thankful that this pandemic is happening at this point in our relationship and the point where we are on our house. It is so nice that Jon has already been working from home remodelling our home and is able to continue to make progress. Later this week we will be able to move into our living room and library! It is fun to see progress and even help out a bit. We are thankful that we are already so far along as it would have been really difficult to be only living in two rooms of the house when we have to spend so much time here. Luckily, we have a finished kitchen, as well as an upstairs with our bedroom, an office, and a bathroom. We love being able to eat all our meals together and spend lot of quality time in the evenings. I wouldn't want to be in this situation with anyone else and am so gad for his constant encouragement and support, especially on the difficult days.
I am also so grateful to still be employed. I am working from home for AMBS and am finding the time to do more research on how pastors can thrive in ministry and find ways to support the pastors in my program from a distance. I have my office all set up upstairs and am thankful for the flexibility and income. My job at the Center for Healing and Hope has changed as I have helped create a system to give out grocery gift cards to undocumented families who do not have any income during this time. Since the Center is considered essential, I am still able to go into the office for 10 hours a week. It feels fairly safe since my office space is well away from others and we have a very small staff. It is only a ten minute walk, which has been nice not using my car at all. Honestly, it has been great to have somewhere to go to several days a week and be able to interact with others in person, even if we are wearing masks. I am also so thankful that I have a job that is all about supporting the most marginalized in our community during this crisis.
I have been using this time to try to get back to optimal health. I have been running at least four times a week and have been cooking a lot more and try to eat fairly healthy. It is amazing how much better I already feel. Although running really hurt when I started, it is finally feeling better and when I go out alone, I try to use the time to pray. One of my goals is to do better at spiritual disciplines and running is a way I have used in the past to connect to God and is a good fit during this time. The runs definitely help my mental state, possibly because they tire me out so that I don't think about what is happening in the world, but also they help me refocus my day. I still run with a friend twice a week, which is a good way to connect, even as we stay six feet apart. It has also been good to connect with friends and family who live far away. I even read a book to my nephews in Kansas the other week. All these things help keep my spirits up.
However, I still have days when I feel the weight of the world. There are days when I have had to crawl back into bed and stream Netflix. On those days, I feel so sad and then feel bad about myself and my lack of productivity. It can go into a downward spiral. As I was videoing with a friend the other night, I reflected that when I feel off, my mind seems to bring up all my past failures and the many ways I feel inadequate, especially in my professional life. I struggle with my lack of Spanish skills in my job as Immigrant Resource Coordinator. I struggle with finding motivation to work from home for AMBS. I miss flowers tremendously as there is not work for me at the flower shop at this time. I also feel guilt as I have so much and Jon and I are financially stable during this time when so many families are struggling. I grieve over the injustices as it is the marginalized that are suffering the most right now. I feel fear over what will happen with the economy. I feel fear that someone I hold dear will not make it through the pandemic. I grieve not being able to see those I love in person. I long for adventure and feel sad that I had to cancel a trip and travel probably won't be able to happen for a long time. All these feelings usually come at once and it becomes overwhelming.
But this is life right now. I try not to spiral into all of the feelings above and find ways to give myself and others a lot of grace right now. Jon reminds me daily that it is most important to survive this time, not to be productive. I remind him of the same thing. I try to be grateful for all the good things happening and do my best to not be overwhelmed but try to get done what I can. I write this as a reminder to myself that it is okay to fall apart during this time and it is okay to not be okay. My feelings are normal for what is happening, and most likely shared by many. I hope that I can learn from all of this that certainty is not guaranteed in life and the best thing to do is to love deeply while we can. Love all those we encounter and give out grace to others and ourselves.
This is why I am writing this blogpost today. This is not a blogpost for others to read, although people might, but rather a way for me to collect my thoughts during this historical moment in the world. I want a record of what I am doing, feeling, and thinking during this time in order that I might learn from it and see the world in a new way. I want to start with the positive things that have been going on. The first thing I want to mention is my relationship with Jon. We are both so thankful that this pandemic is happening at this point in our relationship and the point where we are on our house. It is so nice that Jon has already been working from home remodelling our home and is able to continue to make progress. Later this week we will be able to move into our living room and library! It is fun to see progress and even help out a bit. We are thankful that we are already so far along as it would have been really difficult to be only living in two rooms of the house when we have to spend so much time here. Luckily, we have a finished kitchen, as well as an upstairs with our bedroom, an office, and a bathroom. We love being able to eat all our meals together and spend lot of quality time in the evenings. I wouldn't want to be in this situation with anyone else and am so gad for his constant encouragement and support, especially on the difficult days.
I am also so grateful to still be employed. I am working from home for AMBS and am finding the time to do more research on how pastors can thrive in ministry and find ways to support the pastors in my program from a distance. I have my office all set up upstairs and am thankful for the flexibility and income. My job at the Center for Healing and Hope has changed as I have helped create a system to give out grocery gift cards to undocumented families who do not have any income during this time. Since the Center is considered essential, I am still able to go into the office for 10 hours a week. It feels fairly safe since my office space is well away from others and we have a very small staff. It is only a ten minute walk, which has been nice not using my car at all. Honestly, it has been great to have somewhere to go to several days a week and be able to interact with others in person, even if we are wearing masks. I am also so thankful that I have a job that is all about supporting the most marginalized in our community during this crisis.
I have been using this time to try to get back to optimal health. I have been running at least four times a week and have been cooking a lot more and try to eat fairly healthy. It is amazing how much better I already feel. Although running really hurt when I started, it is finally feeling better and when I go out alone, I try to use the time to pray. One of my goals is to do better at spiritual disciplines and running is a way I have used in the past to connect to God and is a good fit during this time. The runs definitely help my mental state, possibly because they tire me out so that I don't think about what is happening in the world, but also they help me refocus my day. I still run with a friend twice a week, which is a good way to connect, even as we stay six feet apart. It has also been good to connect with friends and family who live far away. I even read a book to my nephews in Kansas the other week. All these things help keep my spirits up.
However, I still have days when I feel the weight of the world. There are days when I have had to crawl back into bed and stream Netflix. On those days, I feel so sad and then feel bad about myself and my lack of productivity. It can go into a downward spiral. As I was videoing with a friend the other night, I reflected that when I feel off, my mind seems to bring up all my past failures and the many ways I feel inadequate, especially in my professional life. I struggle with my lack of Spanish skills in my job as Immigrant Resource Coordinator. I struggle with finding motivation to work from home for AMBS. I miss flowers tremendously as there is not work for me at the flower shop at this time. I also feel guilt as I have so much and Jon and I are financially stable during this time when so many families are struggling. I grieve over the injustices as it is the marginalized that are suffering the most right now. I feel fear over what will happen with the economy. I feel fear that someone I hold dear will not make it through the pandemic. I grieve not being able to see those I love in person. I long for adventure and feel sad that I had to cancel a trip and travel probably won't be able to happen for a long time. All these feelings usually come at once and it becomes overwhelming.
But this is life right now. I try not to spiral into all of the feelings above and find ways to give myself and others a lot of grace right now. Jon reminds me daily that it is most important to survive this time, not to be productive. I remind him of the same thing. I try to be grateful for all the good things happening and do my best to not be overwhelmed but try to get done what I can. I write this as a reminder to myself that it is okay to fall apart during this time and it is okay to not be okay. My feelings are normal for what is happening, and most likely shared by many. I hope that I can learn from all of this that certainty is not guaranteed in life and the best thing to do is to love deeply while we can. Love all those we encounter and give out grace to others and ourselves.
