Saturday, June 28, 2014

Saying Goodbye to Osijek

          On Wednesday night, the seminary here where I have been working, had a going away party for me. We ate pizza and an American cake (my parents brought a funfetti cake mix when they visited), hung out, and then I was asked many questions about my time here in Osijek. I had to name my favorite memories, my impressions of Eastern Europe as an American, funny stories, and how God has worked in my life here. After some people shared their impressions about me, I had to say what I would remember about everyone there. This was a good way to reflect on the past eight months with the people who have become my family here in Croatia. After this time of reflection, we played some games to end the night.
          Today I went out for coffee with some of my CouchSurfing friends. It was the perfect summer day as we sat outside at a cafe, sipping coffee, and just talking for three hours. It was nice and just felt so normal. And I realized how soon these times will be over. I leave Osijek in one week. One week. Goodbyes have started and I don't like them. It is so strange how when I came, I hated Osijek. I felt trapped in this city and was so lonely. And now, I don't want to leave. Things are not perfect, but I finally feel that I have found my place here. I found friends I love and the city itself has changed in my eyes. As the weather became warm, cafes spilled out onto every sidewalk. The river walk became full of people riding bikes, rollarblading, and just strolling. Ice cream can be seen everywhere (and Croatian ice cream is so much better than American ice cream!). I love it. I went through a really hard time and now I am on the other side, but soon I have to say goodbye.
          And so I am trying to fill my last week with everything I love about Osijek. I will go swimming in the Drava for the first time tomorrow. I plan to ride my bike every night this week. I want to go out for coffee and ice cream with friends. I will get another haircut, since it is quite cheap here in Osijek. And I will just spend time with those I have made relationships with. But I am struggling with how to make this goodbye meaningful. This is the end to a chapter of my life and I want to do it right. Are there ways that have been significant to you, my readers, in which you have said goodbye? Is there a good way to say goodbye to a place in which you have grown and changed? Is there a good way to say goodbye to people who have become a part of your life?

And it won't be goodbye forever. I will come back to Osijek. I can promise you that.

To end this blog post, I want to share a funny story that occurred during my time here. An older volunteer in the library was helping me with my Croatian a few months ago. I was reading a Croatian book and translating it into English. There was a sentence about a man who was traveling with his family from the city of Split to Dubrovnik (two cities on the Croatian coast). The sentence read that they were traveling by "brod," the Croatian word for ship. However, I forgot what "brod"meant. The older volunteer translated it for me, saying ship. But he pronounced ship as "sheep" because in Croatian, the vowel i makes the sound ee. I was so confused. I was imagining this family on a herd of sheep traveling down the coast. I said that this could not be right. Brod did not mean sheep. And so I looked up the word in a dictionary. I then realized that he had just mispronounced it. I laughed to myself, but I did not want to correct him out loud. Later, though, as I told the story to some friends, I had a nice long laugh.
          

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

"The world is my home"

          I just attended an extremely interesting presentation of a guy who spent one thousand days traveling the world on a budget of one thousand euros. He had many adventures to tell and wrote a book about his experience. Although it is currently only in Croatian (he is from Zagreb), he is releasing an English version soon. I am putting in a plug here because he seemed to be a really great guy with some awesome adventures to tell. So visit his website, http://www.1000daysofsummer.com, and buy his book when it comes out. (Or if you know Croatian, you could get a copy now). One thing that really intrigued me was that he said the world was his home for the last three years.
          That is who I have always imagined myself to be; a girl who can feel at home wherever she travels. I love traveling and I love meeting new people. I like to break down stereotypes and learn about new cultures. This is the reason that I came to Croatia. However, as much as I love these things, I realize that I don't feel at home in all places. Even here in Osijek, where I have put in so much effort to make it my own place, I don't feel at home. Even at EMU, where I was so comfortable, I never felt really connected to the place. I was connected to the people and I was so happy where I was, but I never became connected to the actual place. As much as I loved Harrisonburg, and as much as I love Osijek, I don't see a future in either of these places.
          As I expressed recently about my need for community in my life, I also long for a connection to a place. I long to feel at home and to be rooted. People often talk about needing wings to fly and roots to keep you grounded. I definitely have found my wings. I love adventure and I have learned to take risks and set out on my own. But so far, my roots have been to people. As I have been here in Croatia, it has been really hard because my roots, my people, were back in the United States. I tried to put roots here, but I was not able to do so. I found people, really, really great people, but I did not find a place to put roots.
          I realize that as much as I want to be someone who can just travel the world and be perfectly happy for one thousand days, I am not. I admire Tom (the guy whose presentation I went to) and others who live such lives, but this life is not for me. I long for roots to stable me so I am able to fly. I will keep traveling, because honestly, I am addicted. But I don't think that I will live internationally by myself again. If I am going to live internationally, I need either a community (or person) in which I can place roots, or a place to which I am deeply connected.
          Osijek is not this place. Harrisonburg is not this place. As I have mentioned before in my blog, the only places I have ever truly felt connected to were Colorado and Iraq. I have no plans to move to either one anytime soon, but I feel that my journey in those places is not done. Colorado has been there for me my whole life and in three short weeks, Iraq also grew a place in my heart. I can only wonder where I will actually end up... Will I end up in Iraq or Colorado, satisfied in a place that feels like home, or will my roots remain only with people? Or will there be a perfect fit; will I find somewhere where I plant my roots deeply in a community and a place? 

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Soccer, Saint Days, and Hedgehogs


            For those who don’t keep up with important world news, Croatia played Brazil in the opening game of the World Cup on Thursday. I did not grow up in a soccer family and honestly do not know much about the sport or keep up with things such as the World Cup. And in the United States, it is fine. I might see some results on facebook, but for the most part, there is no much evidence that such an event is even happening. It is NOT like that here in Croatia. For the past month, every store has been selling Croatian jerseys, t-shirts, mugs, horns, thundersticks, ect. Cars all of a sudden are decked out with the red and white checkered pattern of the national team and flags can be seen everywhere.
            Then on Thursday, the real excitement began. Every cafĂ© (of which there are hundreds in this city) brought out their TV’s or set up a large projector in the street. The three different squares of the town also set up their own screens so people could come out and watch the game together. Even though the game didn’t start until 10pm, you could hear loud music all over town with horns honking and people singing. I decided that I would watch the first half with strangers in the main square. I wanted to observe all the festivities as I rode my bike the fifteen minutes from my dorm to downtown.
            At the main square, a live band was playing Croatian music before the start of the game. People were gathered, all wearing red, white, and blue, drinking beer and laughing with friends. Even those who didn’t believe Croatia would win (we were playing the home team) was caught up in the atmosphere and singing along to the national anthem. And then when Croatia scored the first goal, chaos erupted. The whole crowd was jumping and yelling. Fire crackers were set off and the police just stood there smiling. For a moment, the whole country was together, celebrating.
The rest of game didn’t go so well. I watched the rest in my dorm, which was not nearly as full of excitement. But the referee (is that what they are called in soccer?) made some terrible calls against Croatia, which cost us the game. Even non-Croatians agree the calls were bad. But then again, Brazil did hold procession for most of the game, so they might have won anyway. The next game Croatia plays Cameroon, so hopefully that will go better. I am just excited to people watch again and be a part of all the festivities.
And then yesterday was the saint day of Saint Anthony, who is the patron saint of children and the saint of one of the Catholic churches in the old city of Osijek. (Once again, I am not sure the validity of this information… I am not Catholic and this information was roughly translated to me.) To celebrate, a huge festival was set up.  It felt like a county fair in the United States, with cotton candy and carnival rides. Booths were set up selling goods and the streets were crowded. The only part that had to do with the Saint was going to the church to receive lilies, the symbol of Saint Anthony. I had a great time with one of my good friends from the library. And afterward we got to hang out a bit and I experienced a little bit more of Croatian hospitality.
On my way home last night, I happened across a hedgehog on the side of the bike path. This was my second sighting in  a week and the second sighting of my life. Although he was terrified of me, he didn’t run away as I stopped, took pictures and petted him. Hedgehogs really are prickly! And cute! Too bad they are not nearly as common in the United States, at least where I have lived. All in all, it has been a pretty fantastic last couple of days. 

Saturday, June 7, 2014

What Can I Believe?


What Can I Believe?
By Ted Loder

O God, I am so fragile:
            My dreams get broken,
            My relationships get broken,
            My heart gets broken,
            My body gets broken.

What can I believe,
            Except that you will not despise a broken heart,
            That old and broken people shall yet dream dreams,
            And that the lame shall leap for joy,
                        The blind see,
                                    The deaf hear.

What can I believe,
            Except what Jesus taught:
            That only what is first broken, like bread,
                        Can be shared;
            That only what is broken
                        Is open to your entry;
            That old wineskins must be ripped open and replaced
                        If the wine of new life is to expand.

So, I believe, Lord;
Help my unbelief
            That I may have courage to keep trying
                        When I am tired,
            And to keep wanting passionately
                        When I am found wanting.

O God, I am so frail:
            My life spins like a top,
                        Bounced about by the clumsy hands
                                    Of demands beyond my doing,
            Fanned by furies
                        At a pace but half a step from hysteria,
                                    So much to do,
                                                My days so few and fast-spent,
                                                            And I mostly unable to recall
                                                                        What I am rushing after.

What can I believe,
            Except that beyond the limits
                        Of my little prayers and careful creeds,
            I am not meant for dust and darkness,
                        But for dancing life and silver starlight.

Help my unbelief
            That I may have courage
                        To dare to love the enemies
                                    I have the integrity to make;
                        To care for little else
                                    Save my brothers and sisters of the human family;
                        To take time to be truly with them,
                                    Take time to see,
                                                Take time to speak,
                                                            Take time to learn with them                                   
                                                                        Before time takes us;
            And to fear failure and death less
                        Than the faithlessness
Of not embracing love’s risks.

God, I am so frantic:
            Somehow I’ve lost my gentleness
                        In a flood of ambition,
            Lost my sense of wonder
                        In a maze of videos and computers,
            Lost my integrity
                        In a shuffle of commercial disguises,
            Lost my gratitude
                        In a swarm of criticisms and complaints,
            Lost my innocence
                        In a sea of betrayals and compromises.

What can I believe,
            Except that the touch of your mercy
                        Will ease the anguish of my memory;
            That the tug of your spirit
                        Will empower me to help carry now the burdens
                                    I have loaded on the lives of others;
            That the example of Jesus
                        Will inspire me to find again my humanity.

So, I believe, Lord;
Help my unbelief
            That I may have courage
                        To cut free from what I have been
            And to gamble on what I can be,
                        And on what you
                                    Might laughingly do
                                                With trembling me
                                                            For your incredible world. 

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Struggling and Failing

          I can't sleep right now, so I have taken the time to read through some of my old blogs. I look at the choices I have made in the last year and how I have portrayed myself. This is not a journal and since it is public, I obviously do not write about all the ugly parts of myself. But I have still tried to be honest and tried to write about how I struggle in this journey called life. And I am going through a time now when I am really struggling. I struggle with knowing who I really am and who I am called to be. I struggle to make the right decisions and how to approach life when life seems rather bleak.
          Sometimes I wonder if life just repeats itself. Looking back on this blog, I remember the times when I was really low. And then I can see how I pulled myself up (with the help of lots of amazing people who are always there to support me) and regained my confidence. I would write about what I learned. But then here I am again. It amazes me how complicated life is... how there seem to be an infinite amount of things to learn. And how we have to make mistakes to learn.
          One thing I am very afraid of and always have been is failure. I am so scared to do the wrong thing and often I don't take chances because I don't want to fail. And sometimes I do take chances and fall hard. And I learn, but I tell myself how hard it was to fall and that I never want to go there again. But it is often through the hardest times that we learn the most. I hate that this is true, but it is. I am human and thus sometimes I fall down really hard. I make mistakes and say (or write) the wrong thing. And in those moments, I am scared that the failure is my true self. I am scared that others will see this side of me and think that that is all there is. I start to believe that that is all there is.
          But it isn't. I believe that there is beauty in all people. We are created in God's image, after all. And even when we are at our worst, there is always hope we can be better. When we mess up, we can always rebuild ourselves. And the ugliness is mixed in with the beauty. And that is what makes life so complicated, terrible, wonderful, and amazing. All of are full of beauty and ugliness, but I believe it is our job to look for the beauty, in others and in ourselves. We need to accept our mistakes and learn from them, while still knowing that we might fall down again.
          And so tonight, as I struggle, I am seeking the beauty. I am admitting the ugly parts of me while remembering the good. I will not let myself down into the depths of despair, but will look for love. And I will get back up again. I am reminded of a quote from one of my favorite movies, Elizabethtown; "So you failed. Alright you really failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You think I care about that? I do understand. You wanna be really great? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you're still smiling."