Sunday, November 30, 2014

Thanksgiving with Michael

          This year's Thanksgiving was much different from last years. Instead of exploring new places and having epic adventures, I had a fairly quiet Thanksgiving here in Elkhart. It might not sound exciting, but it has been a really good holiday. Some friends from church asked if I would dog sit their dog Michael. I was happy to agree since I have had a lack of animal interaction in my life and thus I moved a mile down the road for the past week. Michael is a Portuguese Water Dog (like the Obamas have) and is quite the guy! I might be more of a cat person, but Michael won my heart as we spent time snuggling and playing together. As funny as it might seem, I am so thankful for this time with Michael as it gave me some good reminders.
          First, Michael reminded me not to be so serious and take time to play everyday. Like most dogs, Michael likes attention and likes getting out of the house. He was not too thrilled that I was writing a paper for most of break and would come stick his nose on my computer and convince me that it was time to take a break. We would then proceed outside for a walk. Walking is such a simple thing, but Michael just loves it! He got so excited everytime we went out. I realize as I have been studying and working so much, I have not taken the time to just be outside and relax. Taking a walk doesn't take up too much time, but it gives a person so much. I loved seeing the world through Michael's eyes and taking the time to (figuratively) smell the roses.
          On Thanksgiving day, I was furiously working on writing a paper. I had no plans to go outside all day, but in the early afternoon, Michael came and interrupted me. I decided I would play with him in the back yard for just a few minutes as a break to myself. Little had I realized that it had snowed. But out we went, into the snow. Now normally, I hate snow. But Michael was so excited. He didn't mind the white stuff coming down or the cold. I chased him around and we both experienced moments of complete joy as we ran through the snow laughing. (Well, I laughed, Michael just ran). Then, Michael attempted to catch some snowflakes in his mouth. He looked just so cute. During the course of the semester, I have forgotten about the small joys in life. While living in Croatia last year, I usually noticed small joys. I took the time to go on walks and see the world with fresh eyes because I was in a new place. But here, I have been too busy. Watching Michael gave me the opportunity to rediscover small joys. I got to play in the snow, as well as spend time snuggling with Michael inside giving him tummy rubs (he loves tummy rubs)!
          Thanksgiving evening, I had three friends over to celebrate the holiday. We had an amazing dinner of tofurkey (yes, I made my omnivore friends go vegan with me) and other delicious food and then we played games together. It was so nice and I felt so grown-up as I hosted my first holiday meal. I celebrated with my family the next day at my aunt and uncle's house in Goshen. My parents and brother Ryan came up and we had a nice afternoon eating and playing games. Saturday was work like usual and today was spent finishing my paper. Michael's owners came back tonight, so I am once again back in my apartment.
          The next couple of weeks are crazy as I finish up my semester. There is so much to do, but I feel refreshed. I am just really thankful for where I am. I have the amazing opportunity to study subjects that I am passionate about and be in a community that accepts me for who I am. I have a job that I genuinely like with coworkers who are becoming good friends. I have a family who loves me and lives (relatively) nearby so I can spend time with them in person. I am thankful to be busy, but also thankful for the small moments of joy that life offers. Looking back on the past year, I am so thankful for the places I have been and the experiences I had. I feel so lucky to have been where I have been, but also so glad to be where I am now. I don't think that everyone can say that.
Michael, playing in the snow.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

My Search for the Divine

           When I finish my three years at seminary, I will have a Masters of Divinity. Divinity. The Divine. I have been pretty open on this blog about where I struggle with issues of faith. In August 2012 I posted on "Finding My Faith Again." In September 2013, I wrote on "Losing My Faith Again." When I wrote "Losing My Faith Again," I did not know if I could honestly claim Christianity. I had so many doubts about God and just so many questions. You see, I have met many people who just know that God exists and they can actively feel the presence of God in their lives. I don't have that feeling; I don't have that complete faith. I think I have felt moments of the Divine, but they always seem to be fleeting and can easily be forgotten. In the midst of struggle and heartache, I could not see or understand God. And at the time I was not prepared to try to find answers for my questions
          But here I am now at school studying theology, studying the Divine, studying what faith is. I am asking some really hard questions and studying issues such as suffering and racism and what it all means within the context of faith. I am not sure that I am actually finding any answers, but I find myself gaining a much larger picture of who God is. As I find myself falling in love with theology, I find myself taking the step of faith. Because I am starting to understand that faith is not about a feeling. Faith is about taking a step despite not feeling, despite not knowing. I can say now that I believe in God and that I am a Christian, believing by proclaiming this, I am making a faith statement. I am putting trust in the church, people whom I trust and have come to respect. I am putting my trust in a theology that claims love and liberation for all people. I am putting my trust in the Divine.
          My search is far from over. I still have so many questions and I feel like I am just getting my foot wet in understanding what faith is. But I am taking that step. And this step is really scary. I have discovered lately that I am scared of commitment. I am so scared of getting hurt and there are areas of my life in which I am not prepared to risk. But I have decided to take the risk of faith. I have begun this journey even though I don't know where it is taking me. I am scared but I am trusting that God is there.
         To end this post, I first am including a quote by the theologian Jurgen Moltmann who addresses the balance between questioning and staying stagnate. I think he describes the balance I have in my life right now of asking really hard questions, but also finding a faith that grounds me. Then below that I have the lyrics to The Wailin' Jennys song called Heaven When We're Home. I have been playing it a lot in the last couple of days as it speaks to my search.

"What is needed then is to find a lively equilibrium between the fundamental self-questioning of man, and the answers by means of which he takes control of himself. Man cannot continue indefinitely in a radical attitude of questioning. He would then never succeed in giving form to his life. Nor can he tie himself down and be content with the external face which his time and his culture give to him. Then he would stagnate. He reaches an equilibrium if he respects the limits which make man's forms of living authentic, and recognizes that in the changes of cultures and of images of man there is, for all the seriousness and hope of the latter, a provisional element." Jurgen Moltmann

Don't know what time it is, I've been up for way too long
and I'm too tired to sleep
I call my mother on the phone, she wasn't home,
and now I'm wondering the street
I've been a fool, I've been cruel to myself
I've been hanging onto nothing
when nothing could be worse than hanging on
And something tells me there must be
something better than all this

I've fallen many times in love and every time
it's been with the wrong man
Still I'm out there living one day at a time
and doing the best I can
Cuz we've all made mistakes
that seem to lead us astray
But every time they helped to get us where we are today
And that's a good a place as any
and it's probably where we're best off anyway

It's a long and rugged road
and we don't now where it's headed
But we know it's going to get us where we're going
And when we find what we're looking for
we'll drop these bags and search no more
'Cuz it's going to feel like heaven when we're home
It's going to feel like heaven when we're home

There's no such thing as perfect,
and if there is we'll fnd it when we're good and dead
Trust me I've been looking
bu tonight I think I'll go and take a bath instead
And then maybe I'll walk a while
and feel the earth beneath me
They say if you stop looking
it doesn't matter if you find it
And whose to say that even if I did
it's what I'm really looking for

It's a long and rugged road
and we don't now where it's headed
But we know it's going to get us where we're going
And when we find what we're looking for
we'll drop these bags and search no more
'Cuz it's going to feel like heaven when we're home
It's going to feel like heaven when we're home