Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Struggling and Failing

          I can't sleep right now, so I have taken the time to read through some of my old blogs. I look at the choices I have made in the last year and how I have portrayed myself. This is not a journal and since it is public, I obviously do not write about all the ugly parts of myself. But I have still tried to be honest and tried to write about how I struggle in this journey called life. And I am going through a time now when I am really struggling. I struggle with knowing who I really am and who I am called to be. I struggle to make the right decisions and how to approach life when life seems rather bleak.
          Sometimes I wonder if life just repeats itself. Looking back on this blog, I remember the times when I was really low. And then I can see how I pulled myself up (with the help of lots of amazing people who are always there to support me) and regained my confidence. I would write about what I learned. But then here I am again. It amazes me how complicated life is... how there seem to be an infinite amount of things to learn. And how we have to make mistakes to learn.
          One thing I am very afraid of and always have been is failure. I am so scared to do the wrong thing and often I don't take chances because I don't want to fail. And sometimes I do take chances and fall hard. And I learn, but I tell myself how hard it was to fall and that I never want to go there again. But it is often through the hardest times that we learn the most. I hate that this is true, but it is. I am human and thus sometimes I fall down really hard. I make mistakes and say (or write) the wrong thing. And in those moments, I am scared that the failure is my true self. I am scared that others will see this side of me and think that that is all there is. I start to believe that that is all there is.
          But it isn't. I believe that there is beauty in all people. We are created in God's image, after all. And even when we are at our worst, there is always hope we can be better. When we mess up, we can always rebuild ourselves. And the ugliness is mixed in with the beauty. And that is what makes life so complicated, terrible, wonderful, and amazing. All of are full of beauty and ugliness, but I believe it is our job to look for the beauty, in others and in ourselves. We need to accept our mistakes and learn from them, while still knowing that we might fall down again.
          And so tonight, as I struggle, I am seeking the beauty. I am admitting the ugly parts of me while remembering the good. I will not let myself down into the depths of despair, but will look for love. And I will get back up again. I am reminded of a quote from one of my favorite movies, Elizabethtown; "So you failed. Alright you really failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You think I care about that? I do understand. You wanna be really great? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you're still smiling."

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