Southern Air

          My heart is so full (in the best of ways) as I write this. I am currently in Washington DC, a stop on my Spring Break road trip. I have known that I needed to make this trip since I arrived back in the United States, but it was only now that I have been able to do it. I started Saturday night with a visit to Pittsburgh before traveling to Harrisonburg, VA, now in DC, tomorrow to Lancaster, and finally spending the weekend in Elmira, NY. So far I have spent quality time with ten different friends. It has been crazy, but so good. I have needed this trip in so many ways.
          The last couple of months have been hard. The last two years have been hard. I started two blog posts in the last month that I never finished about how I have been feeling depressed. How I feel like I am lost and I just don't quite know who I am in the world anymore. At EMU I was so sure and I was surrounded by people that knew me and loved me unconditionally. I missed people desperately, but even more so, I missed who I used to be. I missed the home I formed at EMU and I thought it was gone forever. But this week I have been reminded that this isn't true at all.
          You see, EMU is not a place or an experience, but a part of who I am. I might not be in college anymore, but the person I became there is still the person I am today. The deep connections I had with people there are still the deep connections I have today. Just because I have felt lost does not mean that I am not the same passionate person I was at EMU. One close friend told me that I haven't changed at all. And while that is not quite true (as I hope I learned and grew through my time in Croatia and now at seminary) it was so good to be reminded that I am still me. I am still that person I was at EMU even as I am finding what that means when I am in a new place. I needed to be with the people who know me completely to remind me of who I am and remind me just how loved I am.
          That is what I have felt the most of this trip. Just an incredible amount of love. I think a part of me wondered going back if the connections I felt with people would still be there. I was worried that I really was alone in the world. In Goshen it has been hard to form the same level of connections with people. But coming back East, my friendships haven't changed. The connections are still there and the love is deeper than ever. And it is this love I am going to take back with me. I am coming back to Indiana renewed, but I know hard times are still ahead. But instead of mourning being far from the people I love most, I want to hold onto these moments and be able to feel this love when I am back feeling lonely again.
          And I think that I finally have closure on my college experience. My time at EMU was amazing, but it is time to move on. But I know that it will always be a part of me. It will always be home. The people and the place will always be there when I need it most. And knowing this, I hope I can finally fully embrace my seminary experience and the ways Goshen will transform my life. I have so many more thoughts about what this week has meant for me and hopefully I will be able to process it more and do more writing. But I end this post with the lyrics of a Yellowcard song. For me, my "southern air" is EMU and all the people I love most in my life.

I've watched the world go by
Outside a window I still can't believe
Where I am now

It's been forever long
Adventures come and gone
And I'm left alone
But not let down

'Cause I have found a gravity
A voice that pulls me to my knees
Tellin' me remember where you're from

This southern air is all I need
Breathe it in and I can see
Canvases behind my eyes
All the colors of my life

This southern air is in my lungs
It's in every word I've sung
It seems the only truth I know
This will always be home

I thought about the day
When I could truly say I'm better now, well here I am
'Cause I have let this gravity grab a hold and carry me
and I will not
Forget where I am from
Forget where I am from

This southern air is all I need
Breathe it in and I can see
Canvases behind my eyes
All the colors of my life

This southern air is in my lungs
It's in every word I've sung
Seems the only truth I know
This will always be home
Always be home
Always be home

The sun lays down inside the ocean, I'm right where I belong
Feel the air, the salts on my skin the future's coming on
And after living through these wild years and coming out alive
I just want to lay my head here, stop running for a while

This southern air is all I need
Breathe it in and I can see
Canvases behind my eyes
All the colors of my life

This southern air is in my lungs
It's in every word I've sung
Seems the only truth I know
This will always be home
Always be home