Becoming a Different Version of Myself

         Last night my house had spiritual directing. It was led by a man from our church (Highland Ave. Church of the Brethren) and is a monthly activity for whoever is living in the BVS house in Elgin at the time. I have to admit that I was ot really looking forward to the time, but it was actually really helpful as we did an activity called Lectio Devino with a picture instead of a Bible verse. As we reflected on a picture we were allowed to explore the different thoughts and images coming to us and reflect how our life is like a work of art. 

         Something in the picture reminded me of Europe, which in turn reminded me of one of my favorite movies, Chocolat. For anyone who has not seen it, I whole-heartedly recommend watching it. The main character in the movie is this woman who comes to a French village and opens a chocolate shop during Lent. The town and especially the church are aghast. I love the movie because it invites us to not play into the status quo, but challenge others and to truly be yourself. The main character always wears bright red shoes and refuses to do what is expected in the small town. However, she is also extremely loving and brings new life and energy to the town. In many ways, she is who I want to be. 

         During transitions, I often lose sight of who exactly I am. I have worked really hard to develop who I am during the last four years and am really satisfied with where I am. However, now that I am away from EMU, I find myself second-guessing myself. I think a lot more about how others are perceiving me and forget the things that make me me. I try to do my best to be quiet and fit in. At times like these I long to be the woman in Chocolat who can just come straight into a place and be herself, red shoes and all. What scares me even more is that soon I will be transitioning to Croatia. Not only will I be in another new place, communication will be really hard and it will be impossible to be the self I was at EMU.

        So how do I transition? Who do I be? One of my housemates asked me last night if I was okay with being a different version of myself. And I do not know that I am. I want people to know me and see me how I was this last year at EMU: full of confidence, leadership, craziness, and adventure. But, I realize that it won't be completely possible, especially during my first year in Croatia when I am just learning basic sentences in Croatian. I won't be able to express myself as usual, and I will be learning all new skill sets, which means that I won't have a leadership role and I most likely won't be confident.

        Usually when I write a blog post, I have something worked out, be it a reflection or an answer to a question I have been wondering. But this time, I don't. I truly don't know what I am going to do or be in Croatia. In many ways it is really exciting; this is why I chose some place so far away. I want to push myself and grow. However, I am also really nervous. I don't know what to expect and I won't have people and things that remind me who I am. So I am asking you, my readers. How have you dealt with transitions and becoming different versions of yourself? What expectations should I have, if any? Any other thoughts on being yourself? I would love to hear some responses, then post (anonymously) some of the responses in my next post. Please email me at julias.nicole@gmail.com... it would mean a lot to me!

         I have decided to bring with me a couple different reminders. First, I have some of my favorite pictures from the last year to hang on my walls. Second, I am bringing my favorite mug (that was given as a present at the end of the school year) and some Iraqi tea to remind me of all the tea parties I hosted this last year and the people and conversations that have shaped me. Thirdly, I am bringing a pair of bright red TOMS to remind me to not being afraid of being myself and standing out from the crowd. Lastly, I would love to bring with me letters of encouragement and support from people to open when I need to be reminded of who I am. If you would like to send a letter or card with me to Croatia, please send it to my home address (Julia Schmidt, PO Box 387, Pandora, OH 45877) before October 15. This way, when I am feeling down and lonely and nothing like the person I was, I will have something to open and be reminded of the person I really am and look for ways to be her despite all the difficulties I might encounter. Thank you in advance for all the notes! :)

BVS Orientation

          As I completed my two and a half week orientation for Brethren Volunteer Service on Saturday, I had many thoughts running through my head. One of them was that I needed sleep. I could not wait to be in my own bed and have some time away from other people. Being with twenty-six other people pretty much constantly for that long was draining my energy and I was ready to depart and have a break before beginning my time of service. However, as glad as I was to have orientation end, I began to miss people on my way home. You see, I met some pretty amazing people in my orientation. I heard a lot of inspiring stories and experienced new things. As little time as it was, orientation taught me quite a few things, things that will be essential as I move on to my time of service.

          I have been asked many times what I did for two and a half weeks. And the answer is a whole variety of things. We had special speakers come in to talk about different subjects related to service and the Church of the Brethren. We watched documentaries and performed acts of service in the community. We travelled to Harrisburg, PA for a weekend. We ate together, cooked together (under a really tight budget!), and hung out together. And it was in this togetherness where I learned more about myself and the workings of God (or the universe) in others. 

         The most important part of orientation for me was the sharing of our faith journeys. We all had to visually represent our faith journeys on a piece of paper, then share with the whole group our story. I have done this activity several times before, but it is always meaningful. And this time even the more so. Honestly, I often forget that everyone else has a story with hard things they have dealt with.  I get so wrapped up in my own worries and life journey, that I do not realize that hardships others have gone through/are going through. Learning people's journeys of faith changed the dynamics of the group, at least for me. I saw people more than just who I had seen them be, but as a the person they have emerged into. We had created a safe space and people were very vulnerable with what they shared. And I appreciated them all the more for it.
         And now it is my job to help plan and run the next BVS orientation. I am just finishing up my first week here in Elgin in the BVS office. Although I am a little exhausted from the transition and getting used to a new job, place, house, and housemates, I am enjoying it. Orientation was a meaningful time for me and I look forward to trying to create the same environment for the next group. 

Next Stop: Croatia

          This morning I received an email letting me know that my placement for Brethren Volunteer Service is official and my plane tickets are being bought! I have been looking forward to sharing about my future plans for months now, but have been waiting until everything was set in place. I will be working for a small non-governmental organization called RAND (Regional Address for Nonviolent Action) in Sesvete, Croatia, which is just outside the capital city of Zagreb. This peace organization promotes nonviolence as a lifestyle and a way of relating through training courses and networking. I am still a little unsure about the specific work I will be doing, but I am so excited to be learning about peace work in a post-conflict zone! My term is for two years, but they do not need me until May.

          In the meanwhile, I have secured two interim placements with Brethren Volunteer Service. In two weeks from today I begin my first interim placement in Elgin, Illinois, working as the Brethren Volunteer Service Volunteer Coordinator. Essentially, I will be helping coordinate the next BVS orientation that begins at the end of September. It will be strange going straight from my own orientation to being staff for the next one, but I am looking forward to working closely with the awesome staff and learning more about this organization I am a part of. I will be living in a volunteer house with three or four other people  (some who are with me now at orientation). I am looking forward living with others and being close by Chicago for a few weeks. I will then end the placement by coming back out here to New Windsor, Maryland to help lead the fall orientation.

          From Maryland, I am going back to Indiana for Jana's wedding (on October 12) before flying to Switzerland on October 15 for three days of getting over jet-lag and getting oriented with the European director of BVS. I will then take an overnight train to Zagreb, then a day train to Osijek, Croatia. In Osijek, I will be working in the library of the Evangelical Theological Seminary for six months. I will live in my own bedroom in seminary dorms and eat my meals in the cafeteria, while meeting several times a week with a tutor to learn Croatian. I am excited to see another part of the country before beginning my official placement and get a six month jump on language before I move where little to no English is spoken.

          I am just so excited about these next three years! I know that it won't be easy, but the adventure is calling my name and I am ready to go!

The Drop Off

          A lot of activities have happened since arriving at orientation, but I really want to share a little of today's experience. We were told that we would be having a service day In the community, but at breakfast we learned of what this would entail....being dropped off in groups of three In the middle of the country, told to find work for the day, then find a ride back in the afternoon with only water bottles and a packed lunch. First, I should say that we are in a good part of Maryland staying in a tiny town. They have doing this for fifty years and have never had a problem. Still, I have to admit that I was nervous as my group began going door to door looking for work. A lot of people were not home and the first people we did meet did not need any help.

         Finally, we came to a little country church. An older lady was cleaning, but was really exited to hear that we were willing to help out at her house. After she finished a couple of things at the church, she drove us to her house where two of us washed all her windows and floors, while the third weed whacked outside. She then insisted on an ice cream break (with 8 different types of ice cream!). We then took a nice walk with the woman and her dog and learned more about her life and the land where we were. Her husband's family had owned the land for he last 200 years! After our walk, we brushed out her dog, an excited border collie. I ended our time there by watering some flowers before she drove us back. Before we exited her car, ahe asked if she could pray for us. 

          It was just a really great feeling being able to feel useful. She was a widow and just really appreciated us, even though I felt like we didn't do anything very strenuous. She was just so appreciative, saying that she was terrible with the weed whacker and had been dreading cleaning the windows. Even though she seemed pretty healthy, she said she has fallen a couple of times before and trul appreciated the help. My favorite part of the experience, though, was to just hear some of her life story and connect with someone that I would never would have met otherwise.

          After dinner, we then got to hear the stories from the rest of the group. All the stories were different, but each one was special and everyone felt really good about how the day had went. It seems just amazing to me that a day starting off so uncertain and scary can end up being a fantastic day. I feel blessed to be having this experience and look forward to sharing more about my BVS experience. 

The following poem was shared in orientation and I really liked it, so I thought I would post it here. I would welcome any thoughts or stories. 

The Invitation

a poem by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

 

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals, or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine and your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with JOY, mine or your own: if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself: if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. I want to know if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty everyday, and if you can source your life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours or mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes" !

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn't interest me who you are, or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Long Overdue Summer Update

          It has been two months since my last update about my summer... My, how time flies! I don't have the time (or space) to write about everything that has occurred (and is occurring), but here is a short synopsis.

Cincy: Once again, the monastery in Cincinnati proved to be a relaxing and much needed time to meet with my spiritual director and reflect on where I am at. Moving on from college has been difficult and I have needed time to process that change. The reds also won the game my parents and I went to! Yay! 

Michigan: My friend Jana and I had such a great time camping in Michigan. With the exception of a storm the first night and a miserable trip to the laundromat to dry all our blankets, we had great weather, good food, and just a really nice time talking and spending serious quality time together. I love her so much and am glad we could make this trip a reality.

GRE's: The test went ok, some sections better than others. At this point I am not planning on retaking them...I think the scores will get me into the schools I want. But the best thing was after my test (in Toledo), I went and picked up Krissy! She had been staying in Michigan and was heading to Texas, but she was able to come for three wonderful days! It was so wonderful to have her around and also to remind me of the beauty of Ohio. We went on a 20 mile bike ride the one day, and it was truly beautiful as we rode past fields and streams. It is not Colorado, but when you stop and truly look, there is much to behold. 

Colorado (week one): After a long drive from Ohio to Kansas, then Kansas to Colorado, my family made it to our cabin. We had a full house with my parents, grandma, two brothers, sister-in-law, and my childhood friend Amy. We hiked, fed the chipmunks, explored the town of Salida, and helped with some fire mitigation outside. I then drove my oldest brother back to the Denver airport, spent the night with my mom's cousin, then flew to Phoenix.

Phoenix: Mennonite Convention ended up to be a really good week. I was staying with Ruth and our good friend, Darian. They were at convention representing Pink Menno (see Darian's story and learn more at http://www.pinkmenno.org/2013/06/four-years-later-and-still-here/ ) 

Being a delegate was a good experience learning about church business and seeing convention from a different viewpoint. (This was my ninth convention, but first time being a delegate). I also really enjoyed seeing different people I know from different parts of my life. I got to have one last one-on-one with Judy, as well as spend time with my cousin Beth and her two kids, Simon and Nadia.

(I didn't take a single picture in Phoenix!)

Colorado (week two): This has been by far the best week of the summer! Ruth and I flew back to Denver, got my car, and met two other friends (James and Jenna) at the Denver art museum. It was so fun to all meet up in a new place. We ate dinner and explored the city a bit before meeting p with the fifth member of our group (Josh) and drove over the mountains to the cabin. Our first full day we made breakfast before heading to Buena Vista's farmer's market. We then drove to the top of cottonwood Pass and hiked a little ways up. We then got groceries before going back to the cabin to make dinner, take another short hike, then watch Mulan. Our second day we went white water rafting in the morning, then fed chipmunks/explore the ghost town of St. Elmo, hike Agnes Vaille (a local hike to a waterfalls) before making a late dinner (veggie burgers and sweet potato fries!) then stargazing. The third day we travelled to Aspen, took a bus to Maroon Bells with a hike to Crater Lake, then walked a little bit around in town. We watched Bride and Prejudice while eating dinner and heading to bed early. The fourth day consisted of leaving the cabin at 4:30 to drive 1.5 hours to the trailhead of Mount Quandary. It took 3.5 hours, but we made it to the top of our first fourteener! For those not familiar with Colorado, fourteeners are mountains with an elevation of over 14,000 feet (of which there are 54 in Colorado). I have always wanted to climb one, but no one in my family has ever wanted Togo with me. It was a fairly intense climb, but we loved it! There were lots of mountain goats and other friendly climbers. That night we just napped and relaxed. The fifth day we drive to Colorado Springs where we visited Garden of the Gods, ate at Which Wich (my new favorite restaurant), toured the Olympic Training Center, and dropped Jenna and Josh at the airport. The next day after cleaning the cabin, Jmes, Ruth, and I began our long journey home. The first stop was in Topeka, Kansas, then had dinner the next day at Ruth's house in Indianapolis before sleeping at my house, then traveling to Harrisonburg (where James is from). I spent two days there visiting some friends.

New Windsor, Maryland: I am currently at orientation for Brethren Volunteer Service. Things are going really well so far, but that is for another post.

My Dumbledore

          For the past seven months I have been rereading the Harry Potter series. My mom read the first book to us kids on vacation when I was eight years old (I think) and since then I have been a huge fan! I think J.K. Rowling is a complete genius and the philosophy behind the books is deep and needs to be analyzed. But more on that later. Today, I want to talk about the character in the books who had the deepest impact on Harry - Professor Dumbledore. Professor Dumbledore is known as the most powerful wizard of all time, but uses his vast knowledge for good. He is always caring, non-violent, and gives the most amazing, although sometime peculiar, advice. He is Harry's role model and mentor. Although in the last book we learn of his flaws, Dumbledore to me represents the love and goodness any person should strive for and I find myself jealous of Harry for having such a mentor.
          Then I realized that I do, indeed, have such a mentor. Her name is Judy Mullet. Judy was the professor of my Honors class first semester freshman year, but I did not get to know her until second semester when I ended up in her office crying. The middle of my freshman year was really hard for me as I had to deal with issues that had happened in high school that I had never dealt with. I was unsure of my college decision and felt desperately alone even though I was surrounded by friends. Judy saved me then. As I talked to her, and later a counselor, I was able to work through a lot of my problems and realize that EMU was exactly where I needed to be. Having a EMU faculty or staff person as a mentor was a requirement for the Honors program, so I asked Judy if she would be mine. She graciously agreed and we began meeting every other week.
         As I have journeyed through college, Judy has been been there every step of the way. We continued meeting every other week for the last three years with the exception of my semester in Europe. Bad days always were made better when I got to get off campus and talk with this amazing woman. Somehow, Judy was always able to help me see my life in perspective. She became a confidante and a trusted friend. Anytime a problem would come up for me, she would listen. Often she would give advice, but more importantly she would just listen. I found myself telling her more than I tell most of my friends. And during those times when I felt on top of the world, Judy would share in my joy. I will never forget the smile she would give me or her laugh as she wondered about my busy life.
         You see, when Judy listens to you, you feel like the most important person in the world. No matter how mundane your life or how insignificant your problems, she truly cares. She is such a busy person, but despite her busyness, I never felt like a bother to her. In fact, I believe that she enjoyed our time together just as much as I did. She was there for me my entire college career and I would not be the person I am today if I had never met her. Sometimes I wonder if I would have gotten through college at all without her. She is truly beautiful inside and out.
         Every once in a while Judy can be a bit eccentric, just like Dumbledore. Also like Dumbledore, she is absolutely brilliant. But most importantly she is like Dumbledore because she is full of pure goodness. I am so blessed to have her in my life. Judy, I just wanted to let you know how much our relationship has meant to me and I hope it continues throughout our lives!