Do you believe in destiny?

          One of the discussions that Cara and I had on our trip was about destiny. Is there some greater force or being that controls part of the outcome of our lives? Part of me wants to believe in destiny, for there exist moments in life that could not have happened only by coincidence. You know those times when everything seems to just work out... you find yourself in just the right place at the right time. And if only one little thing would have been different, if you had made one different decision, then you wouldn't have met that one person, or you wouldn't have that moment of complete joy. Or even bigger than just moments, there seems to be a dream inside you that keeps growing and the experiences you have and the choices you make all seem to correspond with this one dream, this destiny.
          It is a nice thought to believe that there is something larger in the world, something pulling you along. However, as nice as this sounds and as much as I would like to believe in the idea of destiny, I get stuck when I hear of bad things happening. I cannot believe that it is some people's destiny to just experience pain and hardship. That doesn't seem fair or right. I am believer in humankind and equality for all, so the idea of destiny does not make sense when you hear of war or extreme poverty. It just doesn't add up when parents of young children die in a car crash. How can this be part of some larger plan? (These are some of the same questions I ask about God.)
         But then another thought occurred. What if I acted like I believed in destiny? I read His Dark Materials trilogy by Philip Pullman over break and got caught up in the idea of having a great destiny. In the books, many prophesies are made about the main character, Lyra, and that she is destined to save the universe. However, she does not know this and if others do not help her out, it will not occur. The choices she makes are still important, but they all lead to her greater destiny. This also relates to Harry Potter (as does most things in life). Many argue that it is Harry's destiny to defeat Voldemort and even a prophesy seems to suggest this. However, as Dumbledore reminds Harry, it is his choices that make him who he is. And that he would have tried to defeat Voldemort even if a prophesy had never been made.
          So we see that destiny seems to be mixed up with our choices and external circumstances. Harry had no choice when his parents died and had no choice when it came to a prophesy being made. But he chose to try to defeat Voldemort (and I will mention here that he did so by using nonviolence... but that is for another blog post). And so what if I believed that I too have some great destiny? How would I live my life if I believed that I am the one to change the world? I am the one to bring world peace? I don't want to sound arrogant, because that is not what I am trying to express. What I want to express, is how would I be different? What choices would I make, knowing that my destiny depended on them? How much time would I stop wasting, knowing that if I am to fulfill this destiny, I must learn as much as I can and be as brave as possible? And how would I treat others, knowing that my destiny might be linked up with theirs? Every person I meet might have something to teach me that will lead to greater things. And it is not just me that has a great destiny, but everyone! And part of my destiny is that I help others reach theirs.
          Now this might just be like yet another way to "live life to the fullest," and "live every moment as if it matters. However, I am intrigued by this thought of living into my destiny. Even if I am unsure if destiny is a real thing, I am making a new year's resolution to live as if I do. I want to view every moment, every choice as part of some greater plan. I want to treat everyone I meet as the most special person in the world because somehow their life has become entwined with mine. I want to believe that there is a purpose behind every interaction and every experience and it is all leading to some greater dream. I want to believe in destiny.
          So what about you... Do you believe in destiny? 

Then, love the world

          A new year has begun. For most of my life, I have celebrated New Years with my family in the comfort of my pajamas in my living room. We always watched the ball drop in Times Square on TV, but I never found excitement or joy come in. For many years I was against New Years resolutions because I never had the motivation to keep them. New Years just seemed like any other holiday of the year. But this year was different. This year, I celebrated with almost a million other people on the streets of Vienna. And as I watched the celebrations, I could see hope on the faces of the strangers around me. Pure joy was all around as people waltzed to the Blue Danube, drank champagne, and watched the fireworks display overhead. This joy and this hope was magical.
          This New Years was different also because of where I am in my life. The transition to Croatia has been hard. I have found myself floundering and giving into loneliness and self-doubt. I felt myself feeling trapped in Osijek with no friends and honestly little hope for the rest of my time here. I realized that I needed a new start; I needed a new game plan. And what a better time than the New Year? On my trip, my cousin Cara asked me about what my motto was for 2013 and what it will be for 2014. On considering this question I remembered a poem that a dear friend sent me when I moved to Croatia. The poem in its entirety is at the bottom of this post, but the last line goes,

"And what do I risk to tell you this, which is all I know? Love yourself. Then forget it. Then, love the world."

          I believe that this last year has been me learning to love myself. As I finished my senior year in college, I really took the time to figure out who I was and what I wanted in the world. I learned to be confident in every part of me and those who know me, know that I was truly happy. For a moment in time I was able to live out exactly who I wanted to be. 2013 was all about loving myself.
          But now, it is time for me to forget it. I have been so caught up with myself here in Croatia, that I have not noticed the beauty that surrounds me. I have so been worried about being myself and how I come across to others that I in a way I have stopped living. And so my New Years resolution is to stop thinking so much about myself and try to love the world with everything I am. I want to question others and learn more about this place in which I am living. I want others to know joy because I am trying my best to love them. I don't want this year to be about me, but about the love I can show to the world around me.
          And by loving the world, I am actually being myself to the fullest. By forgetting myself, I hope that I will actually be able to find a new, better version of myself. I have already reflected on how I cannot be the Julia I was at EMU, but I finally see that I can be a better Julia. I can learn to love more deeply and more passionately. By shifting my focus to the world around me, I shift focus to what is most important in life. And that is not me.

To Begin With, the Sweet Grass by Mary Oliver

1. 
Will the hungry ox stand in the field and not eat of the sweet grass?
Will the owl bite off its own wings?
Will the lark forget to lift its body in the air or forget to sing?
Will the rivers run upstream?

Behold, I say - behold the reliability and the finery and the teachings of this gritty earth gift.

2.
Eat bread and understand comfort.
Drink water, and understand delight.
Visit the garden where the scarlet trumpets are opening their bodies for the hummingbirds who are drinking the the sweetness, who are thrillingly gluttonous.

For one thing leads to another.
Soon you will notice how stones shine underfoot.
Eventually tides will be the only calendar you believe in. 

And someone's face, whom you love, will be as a star both intimate and ultimate,
and you will be both heart-shaken and respectful.
And you will hear the air itself, like a beloved, whisper:
oh, let me, for a while longer, enter the two beautiful bodies of your lungs...

4.
Someday I am going to ask my friend Paulus, the dance, the potter, to make me a begging bowl
Which I believe my soul needs.

And if I come to you, to the door of your comfortable house with unwashed clothes and unclean fingernails, will you put something into it?

I would like to take this chance. I would like to give you this chance. 

5. 
We do one thing or another; we stay the same, or we change. Congratulations, if you have changed. 

6. 
Let me ask you this.
Do you also think that beauty exists for some fabulous reason?

And if you have not been enchanted by this adventure- Your life- What would do for you?

7.
What I loved in the beginning, I think, was mostly myself. Never mind that I had to, since somebody had to. That was many years ago. 
Since then I have gone out from my confinements, through with difficulty.
I mean the ones that thought to rule my heart. I cast them out, I put them on the mush pile.
They will be nourishment somehow (everything is nourishment somehow or another).
And I have become the child of the clouds, and of hope.
I have become the friend of the enemy, whoever that is. 
I have become older and, cherishing what I have learned, I have become younger. 

And what do I risk to tell you this, which is all I know?
Love yourself. Then forget it. Then, love the world.  

Summary of Travels

          Trying to figure out what to write is really hard right now. I just arrived back to Osijek late last night after an amazing week and a half of travel. I saw so much, learned so much, and most importantly processed so much. As such, I believe I will write a series of posts. With so many thoughts and stories, it only makes sense to write many posts. I also hope to have my cousin Cara, with whom I was traveling, to write some of her own thoughts and reflections. But to start out, I will give a brief summary of the places we saw and things we did.

Dec. 24, 2013 - I took a bus from Osijek to Zagreb, where I met Cara. We then took a bus down to Split. We walked through the old city and went to bed early after a long day of traveling.

Dec. 25, 2013 - After opening some gifts that Cara brought from the U.S., we headed out for a long walk around a huge park in Split. We attended mass at the tiny Cathedral in the evening. I understood a few words, as I proudly told them to Cara.

Dec. 26, 2013 - It rained all day and was quite miserable. We had planned on just visiting museums so we could be out of the rain, but unfortunately the day after Christmas is a national holiday in Croatia (St. Stephen's Day). However, we did get to climbed the bell tower and got some coffee. In the evening, my friend Miriam (who lives now in Sarajevo) came to spend a couple of days with us.

Dec. 27, 2013 - Miriam, Cara, and I took a bus up to an old fortress in Klis. We then visited Roman ruins in Solin. Then we went to the island town of Trogir, before heading back to Split to go out for dinner and then make cinnamon roles!

Dec. 28, 2013 - After a quick visit to the market in Split, Cara and I said goodbye to Miriam and headed by bus back to Zagreb. That night we visited the Museum of Broken Relationships and went out for coffee.

Dec. 29, 2013 - We got up early to take a day trip to Plitivce Lakes National Park. It was so beautiful and it felt like we were in another world! Upon our return to Zagreb, we ate dinner and went to bed.

Dec. 30, 2013 - We walked around Zagreb in the morning, taking time to visit a street full of city-approved graffiti. After getting some lunch at a bakery, we boarded a bus in the afternoon to Vienna.

Dec. 31, 2013 - After breakfast at our hostel, we went to downtown Vienna to run in my first ever race! It was 5.3 km around the city ring. It was a great introduction to a beautiful city! After chilling in the hostel in the afternoon, we headed back downtown for New Years Eve celebrations. They had a New Years market and place all over the city to drink hot wine and eat delicious Austrian treats. At midnight there was fireworks and everyone waltzed to the Blue Danube.

Jan. 1, 2014 - On New Years we went to outside the city hall where they were showing on a large screen, the Vienna Symphony concert (which is broadcast all over the world). We then visited a museum and learned about Austrian history. Cara had made arrangements to visit an old friend who lives in Vienna, so it was great to hear from a local and make a new friend. Before heading back to the hostel, we got some coffee and cake.

Jan. 2, 2014 - We ate breakfast at the hostel, check-out, and headed to see some graffiti on the Danube. We then boarded a train to Bratislava, the capital of Slovakia. After walking in the wrong direction for and hour and a half (it should have been 15 minutes), we explored the old city for a bit before catching a train to Budapest. After dinner out, we hung out at the hostel making friends with travelers from Egypt, Brasil, Morocco, Serbia, and the U.S.

Jan. 3, 2014 - We started the day with a free walking tour (highly recommended if you are traveling to Budapest) and learned a lot about Hungarian history and the different parts of the city. We then went to eat lunch at a large indoor market with friend from Turkey and Brazil that we had made on the tour. After that, Cara and I headed to the thermal baths. We then met back up with our Turkish and Brazilian friends for drinks at a ruin pub.

Jan. 4, 2014 - Our last day was actually one of my favorite days of the trip. After a breakfast of cake at an old cafe, we explore the city by foot, stopping on an island for great food. In the afternoon we took another free walking tour, this one of communism in Budapest. Afterward, we ate a traditional Hungarian meal with friends from Australia before being an hour late to the opera (you can get really cheap tickets!) After the opera we headed back to the hostel to finish packing. There, we made friends with two really awesome Spaniards and headed out for drinks once again at a ruin pub. Afterward, Cara and I found a grocery store for snacks for traveling, then said goodbye at 4:15 am as she took a shuttle to the airport to fly home.

Jan. 5, 2013 - I ate breakfast by myself at the hostel, checked out and took a train to the Hungarian ciyt of Pecs. I explored a couple hours before taking a bus back to Osijek. 

First Christmas Away From Home

          This year is the first Christmas that I have ever been apart from my family. As the dorm where I am living has emptied out and people have been going home, it has been really hard. I let myself think of all I will be missing and allowed myself to become extremely homesick. Thursday and Friday were spent overeating white chocolate and feeling sorry for myself. However, you do not need to worry too much. Friday night I skyped my good friend Lisle. We have been reading The Bridge on the Drina, a nobel prize winning book by Ivo Andric which takes place in Bosnia. Friday was our second out of three book discussions on it. It is a really good book and Lisle and I have had wonderful discussion on it! It feels so good to be doing something a little more academic and of course, skyping with a good friend can always cheer me up.
         The other thing that cheered me up was more planning for my upcoming trip. Even as I want to be home for Christmas, I am probably more excited for what is actually going to happen. My cousin Cara is flying into Zagreb on Tuesday! Cara is a year older than me and we have always been close. But I still cannot believe that she is actually missing Christmas at home to come be with me! And we have an epic adventure planned! First, once she arrives in Zagreb (I am taking a bus there on Tuesday morning), we will travel by bus together down to Split. We will then spend 3 days exploring Split and neighboring towns and islands. My friend Miriam from Sarajevo will also be joining us a couple of days. Then, we will head back to Zagreb for two days. On the 30th, we will take a bus to Vienna, Austria where we will spend New Years. On New Years Ever, we will be running a 5.4 km race, then enjoying the New Years Eve Walk which includes a huge market and waltzing! On January 2, we will head over to Budapest, hungary for the last leg of journey. Cara will then fly home from Budapest on January 5 and I will head back to Osijek.
          So really, not a bad way to spend Christmas at all. And yesterday turned out to be a nice quiet day here in Osijek. I went for a long jog, then had a delicious lunch spent talking to my friend Debora, a long walk in the sunshine to two grocery stores to get snacks for my upcoming trip and a stroll by the Drava, and then an almost three hour skype call with my friend Amy and a two hour skype call with my mom. Both of which felt like I was just hanging out and not so far away. Today, I slept in and have plans of packing and cleaning and going the the church's Christmas program. And then it is only one more day before my next adventure begins!

Different Version of Myself Part 2

          A few months ago I wrote a post about my fear of not being able to be the person I want to be- the person I was at EMU (http://julia-exploringtheinfiniteabyss.blogspot.com/2013/08/becoming-different-version-of-myself.html). And in many ways, this fear is a reality… I am not the person I was. I don’t believe people here know the complex person I am, but strangely, I have become comfortable this. People might not know a lot know the real me, but I have become okay with this.
           So you might be wondering, who am I here in Croatia? First, I would say I am quiet…quiet and shy. At EMU, I was so full of confidence and as a Senior in several leadership positions, I would talk to anyone. But it took me three years to obtain that confidence. Here, I am not in any sort of leadership role and I am not top dog. Instead, I am by myself in a place where I do not know what is expected culturally or socially, I don’t speak the central language, and no one knows my background. I find myself intimidated in social situations and thus flee to my room.
           And it is here in my room that I sit now. Because in my room, I feel safe. In my room, I can still be the person I think I am. Here, I spend my days (when not at work or otherwise engaged) studying Croatian, writing and skyping friends and family back home, researching peace initiatives in this country, reading books just for fun, and more. I feel like I am Cinderella from the 1997 Whitney Houston version where Brandy sings about “her own little corner,” the chair in the corner where Cinderella is able to pretend to be whoever she wants. In my room, I am I can be who I want to be. Especially when I write or skype my loved ones back home, I feel like myself. Knowing that there are so many people out there who know the real me, makes me feel okay that people here don't.
          I don't want you to get the impression that I never leave my room or I never talk to people because that is not true either. During my work in the library, I talk with the other volunteers (mostly in English, but sometimes I also practice my Croatian). Like I have mentioned before, I feel comfortable in the library. I have a job to do and I do it well. And I am friends with the people I work with and even joke around with them. On Friday, was the seminary's Christmas party and I became part of the decoration committee and spent the two evenings before (and part of my work time in the library), helping prepare for the event. People commented on my artistic ability, which felt really good. It was really fun helping prepare and feeling a part of things.
          Saturday night, I was invited to help make and eat crepes (referred to as pancakes here). The evening eventually morphed into a small dance party and a movie night. It was really fun, but in this type of situation, I find it the hardest to be myself because people were mostly speaking Croatian. I can understand eating and dancing, but I cannot yet follow conversation. So even though I am so glad I was included and I really did enjoy the night, I could not help but feel left out and not myself. This is no one's fault and is part of living in a foreign country.
          And so I try to have a balance. I try to be social and talk to people and let people get to know me. But I also give myself grace when I fail at being outgoing. It takes a lot of time for me to become comfortable and I have only been here two months. I also allow myself to escape to my room so I can feel free to be myself. I can write and skype back home to be energized to leave my room once more and discover more that Croatia has to offer. I am no longer desperately homesick and I rarely have really bad days. I have become content with where I am at, even if I am not completely satisfied with who I am outside my bedroom door. 

A different type of Thanksgiving

          I arrived back in Osijek yesterday afternoon from my week of traveling. Honestly, I was not happy to be back. I had such a good time exploring new places and reconnecting with old friends that I had no desire to come back to my life here. However, today has been a great day. I was welcomed back to the library with a hug from Joška, the oldest volunteer in the library. He had told me before I left that I was not allowed to get married when I was gone because I was needed in the library. Although he was joking, I could tell that he was happy today that I was back. Joška actually just received an award tonight for his great volunteer work in the library. I joined a vanfull of people form the seminary to go to the old city where there was a special ceremony on International Volunteer Day for Joška and others receiving awards. As I celebrated with him, I realized that although I am not completely comfortable or happy here in Osijek, I have found a place where I belong. And driving through the city on the way home tonight, I realized that the streets and buildings are familiar here. Slowly, Osjiek is becoming my home.
          A week ago I boarded a bus at 10:30 pm, which drove through the nights with many stops, before finally reaching Split around 10:15 am. The last three hours of the trip, although were really slow with a million stops, was absolutely breathtaking as it went along the coast. I was finally able to see the Adriatic sea, islands, and coastline for which Croatia is so famous. It really is as great as everyone has told me and I would strongly encourage everyone to go and see it! After leaving my backpack in a locker, I took off to explore the city. I was blown away by the old city with all the winding paths and darling buildings. I walked along the sea then hiked to the top of this hill overlooking the entire city. I ate a Thanksgiving dinner of an ice cream cone, while sitting under a palm tree. By the time I met Julianne, the BVSer living in Split, in the early afternoon, I was worn out from walking and the long night on the bus. Although Julianne had to work, I enjoyed staying in her apartment and being able to video skype my family (YAY for working internet!)
          Friday morning, Julianne and I took a 10:55 bus to Mostar. This was a four hour bus ride, but the first two hours were once again along the coast. As we headed into Bosnia, I was able to observe the countryside there. I was surprised at how much the mountains and even houses reminded me of Iraqi Kurdistan! My director, Kristin, and BVSer Stephanie met us at the bus station and we took our stuff to Stephanie's apartment before going out to get some groceries to make our Thanksgiving dinner. The dinner turned out great! We had mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, stuffing, corn, beans, chicken, pumpkin pie, and ice cream! It was all so delicious! Saturday morning we got to explore Mostar a bit.
          I found Mostar really interesting. It is a more Mediterranean climate (although it was cold when I was there) so there are palm trees and pomegranate trees. The city was once a part of the Ottoman empire and Turkish influences are still everywhere. I was so surprised to feel like I was back in Istanbul looking at the different souvenirs. Mosques are prevalent all over the city and you can drink Turkish coffee and eat baklava! I loved feeling like I was back in Turkey/Iraq! The other interesting par of Mostar is that you can see remnants of the war everywhere. There are many bombed out buildings still standing around the city. Saturday afternoon we went to a nearby town to see the mouth of the river and an old Dervish building. We drank Turkish tea (just like I became accustomed to) and ate Turkish delight and rice pudding. It was so nice to escape the cold and have time to relax. Later in the day, I was able to read for a long time before going to to eat at a great local restaurant. It was really nice being with the other BVSers, hearing about their projects, and learning more about my neighboring country.
          Sunday morning I took a two and a half hour bus ride from Mostar to Sarajevo. The ride was goregous, as we travelled along a river. As we got higher in elevation, there was snow everywhere. And although I am not a fan of snow, it looked beautiful. Seriously, the villages looked like mini winter wonderlands! My friend Miriam, then met me at the bus station.Miriam and I knew each other when I was very little in Kansas. Our parents were in the same church small group, but Miriam is five years older than me so even then we did not know each other well and I moved away when I was six. Miriam is doing SALT (a volunteer program with Mennonite Central Committee) in Sarajevo this year and when she heard I would also be in the Balkans (the Mennonite world is very connected), she got in contact with me in Phoenix this summer and we decided to meet up. And it was great! Although we really did not know each other, we connected right away and I felt right at home staying with her. I actually felt more at home with her than I have felt since coming with her. There is something about being with another Mennonite and Kansan that makes me feel completely comfortable and at home.
          My three days in Sarajevo were spent walking around, making and eating food in Miriam's apartment, drinking hot chocolate (white hot chocolate!) at a local cafe, salsa dancing, meeting the other MCCers, buying food at local markets, talking, touring her work, and much more. Although I did not fall madly in love with Sarajevo like I was expecting to, I did enjoy it. It was a lot more what I was expecting Croatia to be... it does not feel like a Western place. But it is bustling and busy, which I loved. However, it is also really dirty and smoggy. I did not really enjoy my hair smelling like smog after an afternoon walk. One of the other things that I did was learn from Miriam how to make zwieback. Now zwieback is a Russian Mennonite bread recipe that I grew up with. However, my mom never learned how to make them and thus I have also never known. But Miriam not only knew, she had worked at a bakery in Kansas for two years making them, so I was learning from the best. It was great to not only get to know a new place, but connect back with my own roots. I hope to make zwieback myself once I get my own apartment when I move to Zagreb.
          The week was truly spectacular, but now I am back to work in the library. But it is less than three weeks until Christmas which brings with it more traveling and a new adventure!

A Visit From My Director

          This past weekend, my director from Switzerland came to Osijek to visit me. She visits every project in Europe once a year and she always comes to the Balkans around Thanksgiving time. It was fun having her here and showing her around Osijek as well as letting her see what my daily life looks like. She arrived on Thursday night and left early Sunday morning. During that time she came with me to work, sat in on my Croatian lesson, and explored the city together. Friday afternoon we went to lovely place called Cookie Cafe where we drank tea and ate cookies. We ate out on a boat restaurant on the Drava before meeting up with the professor who arranged for me to come to the seminary. We learned about the different peace projects she has been involved with as well as met a man who as a child, spent 260 days in a concentration camp during the war here in Croatia. He now travels around telling his story. He was very inspiring and I plan to write more about him after I finish reading his story.
         Saturday, we went to the center of town and visited the tourist office as well as the bus station so Kristin could buy her ticket for the next day. We then took part in a small protest that was happening on the central square. The Croatian government is voting on a referendum on December 1 that would add "marriage is for one man and one woman" to the Constitution. A rally of sorts was taking place in support. However, we met a group of young people that were speaking out against the referendum. I was very happy to join these protestors in action against the referendum and show my support as an ally. I also befriended one of the young people and learned about the NGO he works for, called Youth Initiative for Human Rights. I am hoping to be able to do a sort of internship with them during my time in Croatia as they are opening as office soon in Osijek.
          Kristin and I then explored a little bit of the old city. We got to climb on the city walls, which was really great. I have learned to love climbing on city walls through my experiences in Derry, Northern Ireland, Diyarbikir, Turkey, and Istanbul. After a time of exploring we met up with the man I will be working for when I move to Zagreb. It was great to be able to talk with him a little bit and hear about the work I will be doing for the next two years when my official placement begins. Saturday afternoon was spent drinking tea inside out of the rain and cold, then venturing out for dinner. It was so nice to have someone who knows me more to talk to and be able to process my first month with.
          The reason that Kristin comes to the Balkans around Thanksgiving is to have the BVSers of the region come together for the holiday. She visited one BVSer in Split Sunday, Monday, and today, then tomorrow will head to Mostar, Bosnia to visit another one. I am following in her path and will take a night bus to Split tomorrow night. I will arrive Thursday morning and will spend Thanksgiving exploring the city on my own. I will stay with the BVSer there, then the two of us will travel to Mostar together on Friday. It will be so nice to explore new places and spend time with other volunteers! On Sunday morning I will take a bus up to Sarajevo where I will visit a friend who is with Mennonite Central Committee and stay with her until Wednesday morning. I will then make my way back up to Osijek. It will be nice to have a week away and see another part of the region.