A Month in Elgin

          I often forget how crazy life can get. Emotions can change in a blink of an eye and you learn how to transition. Humans are pretty incredible in how they can adapt and survive. And in these crazy transitions I often find that I can't seem to find the words to write or even the motivation. But I have made it my goal to try to catch up. I got an incredible amount of views on my last post and I feel like I should clarify part of my thought process... My blog is my journal and shows one point in time. I have struggled with my faith, but that is honestly only a small piece of what is happening and what I have been thinking about. I feel like it might have seemed more dramatic than it actually is. Especially in the last couple of weeks, I have thought very little about this struggle as I have been busy and my thoughts are elsewhere.    

         I do want to share a bit about my time in Elgin. I spent a month working for BVS at the headquarters of the Church of the Brethren. Since I overlapped with someone else it was sometimes a challenge to always find something to be working on. However, looking back, I actually got a lot accomplished in the time I was there. I enjoyed helping get things together for the fall orientation. The BVS staff is just really great and I am so thankful for this great organization I have joined. I really feel like I am in the right place and have been able to see what a ministry and blessing BVS is on people's lives. 

          Although I was there for work, I tried to get the most out of my time in Elgin. My first weekend my dear friend Amy came to visit and we walked all over town and saw what there is to discover. Elgin is technically a suburb of Chicago, but didn't really feel like one to me. There are all these old Victorian houses everywhere (mostly rundown) and everyone is so friendly. I loved running and everyone I pass smiling and greeting me. One woman even encouraged me... "You can do it! You can do it!" It seemed like a cool place with a river running through the middle and a huge city library.

          Being so close to Chicago, I was able to take the train in several times. I actually made it six times in the four weeks. Two of those times were for Cubs games. A couple of people gave me nd the house tickets since they knew we were poor and couldn't afford it ourselves. Another Saturday I met two of my good college friends, Lisle and Elias downtown Chicago. We walked all around, went out to eat with Lisle's parents, explored an used book store and an art museum, then played games back at my house in Elgin. Another afternoon was spent at the Jazz Festival. I went with my housemate Jenna and met up with two BVSers from my orientation. There, I made a friend with a five year old boy named Michael and played and danced with him while his parents listened to the jazz.

          The last weekend, Jenna and I went to Chipotle's Cultivate Festival. My dearest friend Jana came in from Goshen and we listened to some great bands as well as learned about the terribleness of factory farms and got coupons for free burritos! The day was great, except for the fact that the many miles of walking gave my feet terrible blisters! The next day Jana and I went back into Chicago and went to Navy Pier. It was a great time hanging out and being together one last time before I leave and she gets married. I cannot believe that her wedding is only two weeks away!!! I am so excited for her special day and am excited to celebrate with her!

          My time in Elgin came to a close with a perfect night with my housemates. We all had a good dinner together (chili, corn bread, and pineapple) then went out to ice cream, then played a board game. I was only there a short time, but I got close with my housemates and it was a bit sad lea Inge, knowing that I would not be coming back. After spending almost a week at home, I am now back in New Windsor for the fall orientation.

Losing My Faith Again

          My blog is really a journal I keep. As an extrovert, I do not do well with recording my thoughts and feelings, when I would so much rather talk with someone about them. However, I really like to write and thus a blog is the perfect way to write/journal and share what I am thinking with others. As my journal, I try to make it as honest as possible. I truly want to have a record of where I was during a certain moment in time, realizing that who I am is always changing. It is really incredible as I have read back over my writings in the past two years to see where I have struggled and where I have changed. It might not be the healthiest to put all my feelings out in public domain where anyone might come across it, but I have learned not to be ashamed of who I am, even if others might disagree and I might change later.
         All that to say is that faith is one area where I am been struggling and I am want to be honest with myself of where I am at right now. The truth is I believe I have lost my faith. I titled this blog entry, "Losing My Faith Again" after reading my blog post from a year ago, "Finding My Faith Again" (http://julia-exploringtheinfiniteabyss.blogspot.com/2012/08/finding-my-faith-again.html). As I have gone throughout this past year (which really has been one of the best years of my life), I find myself having so many more questions about God that I cannot find satisfactory answers. I find myself drawn to the church (I was a faithful church attender this past year at Shalom Mennonite in Harrisonburg), while at the same time, getting farther and farther from God.
         I will not go into my specific questions right now (as there are a lot of them concerning God and God's role in the world), but I wanted to express how I feel kind of caught. On one hand, I want to have faith and be a reckless believer of an all-loving God. I love the idea of nuns who "marry" God. They are so sure in their beliefs that they literally spend their lives living as Christ. I think that kind of love is beautiful and romantic. I am drawn to Mennonite theology and want to spend my life in service and of love to others around me. I agree fully with the ideas of simple-living, peacemaking, and service. And for a lot of people, it is God who inspires these ideas. But, as much as I want to, I don't feel this God and I don't see this God working in the world. And I understand that faith is more than seeing, but with all my questions, faith in God just doesn't make sense. As much as I like the idea of God, I can't seem to fully believe.
         But I can't not believe either. Last week I found myself just wanting so badly to be able to call myself an atheist. I think life in many ways makes sense without a God. I read a book a few years back called "Good Without God: What a Billion Nonreligious People Do Believe" by Greg Epstein. The book talked about humanism and I found myself agreeing with most everything in the book. It made sense... I think the world without a God makes sense. But even so, I couldn't quite convince myself there wasn't a God. And now, when I have more questions than ever and am at a point when I would be open enough to say I am an atheist, I cannot ignore something in me telling me that God exists.
         Where does that leave me? At orientation I declared myself to be agnostic for the first time. I have never liked the idea of agnosticism... not quite believing, but not quite an atheist. It seemed somehow weak and shallow. But that is where I am right now. I think it will change... I don't think that I will stay agnostic for too long. My spiritual director has no doubts that I will find my faith again. I am not as sure as she, but I am hoping in my time abroad, where I am away from everything I have known, I will find some sort of clarity, be it one way or the other. As always, I am open to hear anyone's thoughts (julias.nicole@gmail.com).

Becoming a Different Version of Myself

         Last night my house had spiritual directing. It was led by a man from our church (Highland Ave. Church of the Brethren) and is a monthly activity for whoever is living in the BVS house in Elgin at the time. I have to admit that I was ot really looking forward to the time, but it was actually really helpful as we did an activity called Lectio Devino with a picture instead of a Bible verse. As we reflected on a picture we were allowed to explore the different thoughts and images coming to us and reflect how our life is like a work of art. 

         Something in the picture reminded me of Europe, which in turn reminded me of one of my favorite movies, Chocolat. For anyone who has not seen it, I whole-heartedly recommend watching it. The main character in the movie is this woman who comes to a French village and opens a chocolate shop during Lent. The town and especially the church are aghast. I love the movie because it invites us to not play into the status quo, but challenge others and to truly be yourself. The main character always wears bright red shoes and refuses to do what is expected in the small town. However, she is also extremely loving and brings new life and energy to the town. In many ways, she is who I want to be. 

         During transitions, I often lose sight of who exactly I am. I have worked really hard to develop who I am during the last four years and am really satisfied with where I am. However, now that I am away from EMU, I find myself second-guessing myself. I think a lot more about how others are perceiving me and forget the things that make me me. I try to do my best to be quiet and fit in. At times like these I long to be the woman in Chocolat who can just come straight into a place and be herself, red shoes and all. What scares me even more is that soon I will be transitioning to Croatia. Not only will I be in another new place, communication will be really hard and it will be impossible to be the self I was at EMU.

        So how do I transition? Who do I be? One of my housemates asked me last night if I was okay with being a different version of myself. And I do not know that I am. I want people to know me and see me how I was this last year at EMU: full of confidence, leadership, craziness, and adventure. But, I realize that it won't be completely possible, especially during my first year in Croatia when I am just learning basic sentences in Croatian. I won't be able to express myself as usual, and I will be learning all new skill sets, which means that I won't have a leadership role and I most likely won't be confident.

        Usually when I write a blog post, I have something worked out, be it a reflection or an answer to a question I have been wondering. But this time, I don't. I truly don't know what I am going to do or be in Croatia. In many ways it is really exciting; this is why I chose some place so far away. I want to push myself and grow. However, I am also really nervous. I don't know what to expect and I won't have people and things that remind me who I am. So I am asking you, my readers. How have you dealt with transitions and becoming different versions of yourself? What expectations should I have, if any? Any other thoughts on being yourself? I would love to hear some responses, then post (anonymously) some of the responses in my next post. Please email me at julias.nicole@gmail.com... it would mean a lot to me!

         I have decided to bring with me a couple different reminders. First, I have some of my favorite pictures from the last year to hang on my walls. Second, I am bringing my favorite mug (that was given as a present at the end of the school year) and some Iraqi tea to remind me of all the tea parties I hosted this last year and the people and conversations that have shaped me. Thirdly, I am bringing a pair of bright red TOMS to remind me to not being afraid of being myself and standing out from the crowd. Lastly, I would love to bring with me letters of encouragement and support from people to open when I need to be reminded of who I am. If you would like to send a letter or card with me to Croatia, please send it to my home address (Julia Schmidt, PO Box 387, Pandora, OH 45877) before October 15. This way, when I am feeling down and lonely and nothing like the person I was, I will have something to open and be reminded of the person I really am and look for ways to be her despite all the difficulties I might encounter. Thank you in advance for all the notes! :)

BVS Orientation

          As I completed my two and a half week orientation for Brethren Volunteer Service on Saturday, I had many thoughts running through my head. One of them was that I needed sleep. I could not wait to be in my own bed and have some time away from other people. Being with twenty-six other people pretty much constantly for that long was draining my energy and I was ready to depart and have a break before beginning my time of service. However, as glad as I was to have orientation end, I began to miss people on my way home. You see, I met some pretty amazing people in my orientation. I heard a lot of inspiring stories and experienced new things. As little time as it was, orientation taught me quite a few things, things that will be essential as I move on to my time of service.

          I have been asked many times what I did for two and a half weeks. And the answer is a whole variety of things. We had special speakers come in to talk about different subjects related to service and the Church of the Brethren. We watched documentaries and performed acts of service in the community. We travelled to Harrisburg, PA for a weekend. We ate together, cooked together (under a really tight budget!), and hung out together. And it was in this togetherness where I learned more about myself and the workings of God (or the universe) in others. 

         The most important part of orientation for me was the sharing of our faith journeys. We all had to visually represent our faith journeys on a piece of paper, then share with the whole group our story. I have done this activity several times before, but it is always meaningful. And this time even the more so. Honestly, I often forget that everyone else has a story with hard things they have dealt with.  I get so wrapped up in my own worries and life journey, that I do not realize that hardships others have gone through/are going through. Learning people's journeys of faith changed the dynamics of the group, at least for me. I saw people more than just who I had seen them be, but as a the person they have emerged into. We had created a safe space and people were very vulnerable with what they shared. And I appreciated them all the more for it.
         And now it is my job to help plan and run the next BVS orientation. I am just finishing up my first week here in Elgin in the BVS office. Although I am a little exhausted from the transition and getting used to a new job, place, house, and housemates, I am enjoying it. Orientation was a meaningful time for me and I look forward to trying to create the same environment for the next group. 

Next Stop: Croatia

          This morning I received an email letting me know that my placement for Brethren Volunteer Service is official and my plane tickets are being bought! I have been looking forward to sharing about my future plans for months now, but have been waiting until everything was set in place. I will be working for a small non-governmental organization called RAND (Regional Address for Nonviolent Action) in Sesvete, Croatia, which is just outside the capital city of Zagreb. This peace organization promotes nonviolence as a lifestyle and a way of relating through training courses and networking. I am still a little unsure about the specific work I will be doing, but I am so excited to be learning about peace work in a post-conflict zone! My term is for two years, but they do not need me until May.

          In the meanwhile, I have secured two interim placements with Brethren Volunteer Service. In two weeks from today I begin my first interim placement in Elgin, Illinois, working as the Brethren Volunteer Service Volunteer Coordinator. Essentially, I will be helping coordinate the next BVS orientation that begins at the end of September. It will be strange going straight from my own orientation to being staff for the next one, but I am looking forward to working closely with the awesome staff and learning more about this organization I am a part of. I will be living in a volunteer house with three or four other people  (some who are with me now at orientation). I am looking forward living with others and being close by Chicago for a few weeks. I will then end the placement by coming back out here to New Windsor, Maryland to help lead the fall orientation.

          From Maryland, I am going back to Indiana for Jana's wedding (on October 12) before flying to Switzerland on October 15 for three days of getting over jet-lag and getting oriented with the European director of BVS. I will then take an overnight train to Zagreb, then a day train to Osijek, Croatia. In Osijek, I will be working in the library of the Evangelical Theological Seminary for six months. I will live in my own bedroom in seminary dorms and eat my meals in the cafeteria, while meeting several times a week with a tutor to learn Croatian. I am excited to see another part of the country before beginning my official placement and get a six month jump on language before I move where little to no English is spoken.

          I am just so excited about these next three years! I know that it won't be easy, but the adventure is calling my name and I am ready to go!

The Drop Off

          A lot of activities have happened since arriving at orientation, but I really want to share a little of today's experience. We were told that we would be having a service day In the community, but at breakfast we learned of what this would entail....being dropped off in groups of three In the middle of the country, told to find work for the day, then find a ride back in the afternoon with only water bottles and a packed lunch. First, I should say that we are in a good part of Maryland staying in a tiny town. They have doing this for fifty years and have never had a problem. Still, I have to admit that I was nervous as my group began going door to door looking for work. A lot of people were not home and the first people we did meet did not need any help.

         Finally, we came to a little country church. An older lady was cleaning, but was really exited to hear that we were willing to help out at her house. After she finished a couple of things at the church, she drove us to her house where two of us washed all her windows and floors, while the third weed whacked outside. She then insisted on an ice cream break (with 8 different types of ice cream!). We then took a nice walk with the woman and her dog and learned more about her life and the land where we were. Her husband's family had owned the land for he last 200 years! After our walk, we brushed out her dog, an excited border collie. I ended our time there by watering some flowers before she drove us back. Before we exited her car, ahe asked if she could pray for us. 

          It was just a really great feeling being able to feel useful. She was a widow and just really appreciated us, even though I felt like we didn't do anything very strenuous. She was just so appreciative, saying that she was terrible with the weed whacker and had been dreading cleaning the windows. Even though she seemed pretty healthy, she said she has fallen a couple of times before and trul appreciated the help. My favorite part of the experience, though, was to just hear some of her life story and connect with someone that I would never would have met otherwise.

          After dinner, we then got to hear the stories from the rest of the group. All the stories were different, but each one was special and everyone felt really good about how the day had went. It seems just amazing to me that a day starting off so uncertain and scary can end up being a fantastic day. I feel blessed to be having this experience and look forward to sharing more about my BVS experience. 

The following poem was shared in orientation and I really liked it, so I thought I would post it here. I would welcome any thoughts or stories. 

The Invitation

a poem by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

 

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals, or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine and your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with JOY, mine or your own: if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself: if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. I want to know if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty everyday, and if you can source your life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours or mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes" !

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn't interest me who you are, or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.