Back Home Again in Indiana

          I never thought that the day would come when I would call Indiana my home again. I also never imagined that I would be happy living in Northern Indiana, but here I am. I moved about four weeks ago to Elkhart to begin my graduate studies here at AMBS (Anabaptist Mennonite Biblical Seminary). And although this last week was a little rough and things have been pretty hectic, I am loving it here.
          My feelings after Friday afternoon Church and Race class really sums up my thoughts so far. The class was talking about Christian ethics and it included a great discussion with a phenomenal professor. I realized then that I like studying theology the same reason I started studying philosophy in my undergraduate: through the lense of philosophy you can look at any topic; science, religion, economics, all of it was applicable to philosophy. Theology is the same. For example, this week AMBS hosted a conference on land and faith. Land and ideas such as food justice are strongly Biblical. But unlike philosophy, with theology we have a focus. We are focused on what it means to do life in the context of following of Jesus. This not only focuses our studies, it makes our studies applicable to our lives right now. It is not just some abstract ideas, but about the way we live our lives.
          I might be totally nerdy, but I am really excited about this right now. I am so excited to be studying theology and to be back in the academic world discussing questions and beliefs. If you are a long-time follower of my blog, you know that my faith journey has had its ups and downs. But here, I am beginning to see the great variety of theological thought and faith formation. There are so many different viewpoints and ways of relating to God. And here, we can have meaningful conversations and not get upset, but discuss together in order that we might all learn and might all become better followers of Jesus Christ, even if the ways we do that and the language we use differ vastly. Here, I have found a safe place to ask my questions while being a part of a larger community full of differences and full of love.
          Because these discussions are not taking place just inside of class, but are being lived. I honestly did not know if places better than EMU existed, but here I have found a new community and new sense of being. It is different than EMU because the size is smaller and people are more grown up. Because of this, the community is stronger. There is no hierarchy between professors and students and thus discussions take place at community meals, break times, chapel, and even during ultimate frisbee. These are the activities I take part in with my fellow students, faculty, and staff. We are living out what we are learning in our classes.
          For these reasons, I kind of think everyone should come to seminary! Seminary is not just about becoming church leaders, but questioning our faith and finding ways together to be the body of Christ. I honestly don't know if I am going to use what I learn here as part of a future career, but I don't care. I am going to use what I learn here in life! I think that anyone is wanting to go deeper in their faith and wanting to study more academically should consider going to seminary as a preparation for any career, if it be a pastor, marine biologist, or an astronaut. Here, you are accepted as you are and get to learn with people from different walks of life, very talented professors, and an amazing community.
          And so thus I begin this new journey. I am taking four classes this semester, although one of those was a hybrid that will be over shortly. These classes are Leadership Education in an Anabaptist Perspective, Christian Attitudes Toward War, Peace, and Revolution, Christian Theology I, and Church and Race. It is a lot of work as I am also working almost 25 hours a week to pay rent and such (I work 7ish hours a week at the library on campus, 4ish hours a week on Southside Mennonite Fellowship's Communicator (this is the church I now attend), and another 16 hours a week at a local food co-op.) I am getting very passionate about my studies (as hopefully I have portrayed) and I feel that other parts of my life are also coming together. Next post will be about another one of my new passions, cooking and eating a whole foods plant-based diet!

For Grandma Schmidt

          I am not sure if I have the words to write what I want to say today. I found out last night that my Grandma Schmidt died. I have never been that close my Grandma Schmidt (unlike my Grandma Smith whom you might remember as the one I saw this summer in celebration of her 85th birthday and took a road trip with to Colorado two years ago) and for the last few years Grandma Schmidt has suffered from dementia. I only went a couple of times since she stopped remembering who I was, so I still think of her as healthy and herself. My relationship with her had always been complicated and her death brings up some complicated feelings. I am happy that her suffering is finally over, but I grieve because she was my grandma and I loved her, even if I never felt that she was the role model I wanted in my life.
          As I learn more the older I get, I realize that humans are complicated and our ideas of how life should be is never the reality. Grandma Schmidt was not someone who I saw as a role model, but yet as I look over her life as I have experienced it, I am able to find many things that have been passed down to me for which I am really grateful. The first thing is her love for the church and for God. She made sure her sons went to a Christian high school and college. And even as their faith differed from hers, they both ended up as pastors for some parts of their lives. Faith was essential and even as I have struggled with my own faith, I am thankful for the strong Mennonite tradition that has been emphasized and the openness to a deep relationship with God. I think what struck me the most about the times I visited her in the last couple of years was that she would barely converse at all, but when my dad asked her if she would like to have a Bible verse read, she would perk up and respond that she would really like that. In her last months and years, it was her faith that stayed strong and was what she remembered and valued in life.
          The second thing I remember about my grandma was love. The love was not perfect and often was not what I thought it should be. However, I have no doubt that she loved me and that she really loved my dad. You could just see how proud she was of him. She was proud that he became a pastor and was proud that he was her son. She really loved him. And she loved me. Through knowing her, I came to know that love is a choice. Human love is not always perfect and we don't always show our love in the right way. I firmly believe that we were put on this earth to love. We have the choice to love, even when it's hard. Sometimes loving family members can be difficult because you don't chose who you end up with. However, I believe it is always worthwhile to chose to love even when it is hard. By choosing love, we are able to see each other in a different light. We allow for imperfections while realizing that those imperfections don't matter. What matters is that we are human and are in this life together. There is good in all because we are all made in the image of God. And when we truly love, we reach our full potential as humans.
         So tonight I want to honor a woman who has affected my life in many more ways that I now realize. Tonight I want to honor my grandma, Jeannette Schmidt. I don't know what happens after we die, but I hope you know Grandma that I love you and that I am so thankful for the faith and love that got passed down to me. I am thankful that you were a part of my journey and part of who I am. May you go into peace and go into the deep love that is God.

Babies, biking, and more adventures

          The last few weeks have been full of excitement for me. On July 16th, I drove to Kansas with my parents. That night, my nephew, Ethan James Schmidt was born. He is the cutest, most lovable baby ever (in my unbiased opinion)!!! I am so excited to be an aunt for a first time and look forward to the years ahead as I spoil that boy! I want to be the really cool aunt in his life- the person Ethan can come to with anything and know that I will love him unconditionally and will be a safe place for him. I was so happy to be in Kansas for his first week and spend time with him in the hospital and at home. I stayed up one night at the hospital to help my brother and sister-in-law out (I cannot imagine doing all they do alone!) and it was so rewarding to be with Ethan in those hours and reconnect with his parents.
          Also, while in Kansas, my grandma turned 85. We had a big party to celebrate. I really enjoyed spending time with some of my cousins who I rarely get to see. I also enjoyed being with my grandma once again. She is a really special person in my life and it had been a year since I had seen her. During my time in Kansas, I also got to bike with my dad. Since having my bike in Croatia, I have been more passionate about wanting to bike more, so it was great bringing along our bikes and seeing different scenery. Most days we would end up at a great coffee shop where we would split a cinnamon roll and drink coffee. Biking, coffee, conversation with my dad... what could be better?! Since I have no job, I decided that I had no reason to go home, so I decided to let my parents go home without me and I would stay and take my grandma to Colorado.
          As I have mentioned many times in this blog, Colorado is my favorite place on earth. I can't fully describe the feeling of being up in the mountains. All I know is that I belong there. And I cannot stand not being there... as soon as I finish up my degree at AMBS (Anabaptist Mennonite Biblical Seminary), I am determined to move out there. My grandma and I had a great time being at her cabin and exploring some nearby towns. To end our trip, we drove to Denver to visit one of my cousins, his wife, and their 9 1/2 month baby. He was also really cute. We then drove back to Kansas, where I got to have coffee with my friend Miriam (the girl whom I visited in Sarajevo...http://julia-exploringtheinfiniteabyss.blogspot.com/2013/12/a-different-type-of-thanksgiving.html) and then spent one last evening with Ethan. I flew the next day to Minneapolis.
          From July 29 to August 7, I was with my two really good friends, Lisle and Elias. Lisle had visited me in Croatia, but really wanted to see me again. We figured that this might be one of the last time that I had a good chunk of time I could come and spend time with them. Even though they both had to work during the day, the visit turned out amazing!!! We did so many great things! We visited a contemporary art museum, we attempted geocaching, we went shopping (thrift stores, REI, and the Mall of America), we spent the weekend camping at Wild River State Park, we went paddleboarding, we did archery, we went to a Twins baseball game, we played board games, we played tennis, we cooked, and much, much more! I love them so much and it was great to spend such quality time with them.
          I was also happy to explore a new city. Since I had the days to myself, I planned a couple of adventures. I borrowed a bike from a couchsurfer and spent one day riding all around many lakes and bike paths. It felt so good to be out by myself and just enjoy the city. I met for lunch a neat cafe with some couchsurfers and had this amazing experience of connecting with strangers. We talked a lot about how to be authentic in the world and positive and negative egos. Somehow, they managed to get me to talk about all my insecurities. It might be strange that it happened with strangers, but it felt so great to verbalize them and still be completely accepted. I also visited the Minneapolis Institute of Art by myself and became friends with some of the guards. I ended up having a great, long conversation with a really awesome guy. It was nice to make friends and connect with random people in a new city.
          And now it is time for me to get to work. I have an online class that starts today and I have begun to search for a job in Elkhart. If anyone knows of anything, I would love to hear! I really need something part-time to pay for housing and food. But even though job-searching is not fun, I am at a really good place in my life. I have had some epic adventures these past couple of weeks, and I look forward to what is to come. 

A Change in Plans (For real this time)

          I have now been back in the U.S. for about a week. I left Osijek last Sunday, July 6 to travel by car to Belgrade, then a plane from Belgrade to Doha, Qatar with a stop in Ankara, Turkey, and then after a two hour layover in the New Doha International Airport (I would highly suggest this airport... It is not quite finished, but is phenomenal with apple computers everywhere for people to use and awesome sculptures that are also playgrounds for kids. The people watching was also incredible as there were people from everywhere on earth!) before a 14 hour flight to Philadelphia. I finally arrived in Dayton, Ohio on Monday afternoon.
          In some ways, it has felt extremely normal to be back. It seems that I am just on break from EMU instead of just spending almost nine months living in Europe. I have not done too much other than sleep (trying to get over jet-lag), bike with my dad, and spend a day shopping with my best friend. It is so hard to believe that only a little over a week ago I was swimming in the Drava and riding my bike around Osijek. It seems like a dream. But then little American things seem weird now. Such as ice in drinks. Water seems so cold now! Almost too cold! I got so used to drinking everything without ice... still cold, but not that cold. Also, while in Croatia, I tried break down some people's stereotypes about Americans. However, even though it is true Americans are a diverse people, there is a specific American culture and while being in Fort Wayne, Indiana the other day shopping and eating out, I was overwhelmed by the Americanness of everything and everyone around me.
          I am sure that as more time passes, I will able to adjust back into American culture while being able to process my time in Croatia and find new ways in which I have changed and can incorporate that change into my life here. For those who do not know, I have finished my time with BVS and have moved back to the United States indefinitely. And I am so excited to announce my plans for this next year; I have been accepted to and am planning to attend Anabaptist Mennonite Biblical Seminary (AMBS) in Elkhart, Indiana to begin work on my Masters of Divinity. This is quite a change of plans, but a change that I am ready for. I miss school and I still have so many questions about God and I believe that seminary will be the perfect place for me to ask them, while becoming apart of a tight community and exploring my own call to ministry and peace work.
          I was sad to leave Croatia and I will be staying in touch with my friends there. They have become a part of my story, a part of me, and I will be back to visit, although it might be a while before I a can make that happen. Although some parts were really hard, I have no regrets about my time there. I have a lot of things to process, but in the end, I think coming home is good for me and I know in my gut that AMBS is the right place for me to be for the next couple of years. I didn't really plan it, but as one quote goes, "life is what happens when you are busy making other plans". Thanks to everyone who has been there supporting me through everything. I have said for a long time that I have the best friends in the world, and this has stayed true through the last few months. I am so thankful and feel so blessed for the people who are in my life. I look forward to living closer to some of them and staying in touch with others. 

Saying Goodbye to Osijek

          On Wednesday night, the seminary here where I have been working, had a going away party for me. We ate pizza and an American cake (my parents brought a funfetti cake mix when they visited), hung out, and then I was asked many questions about my time here in Osijek. I had to name my favorite memories, my impressions of Eastern Europe as an American, funny stories, and how God has worked in my life here. After some people shared their impressions about me, I had to say what I would remember about everyone there. This was a good way to reflect on the past eight months with the people who have become my family here in Croatia. After this time of reflection, we played some games to end the night.
          Today I went out for coffee with some of my CouchSurfing friends. It was the perfect summer day as we sat outside at a cafe, sipping coffee, and just talking for three hours. It was nice and just felt so normal. And I realized how soon these times will be over. I leave Osijek in one week. One week. Goodbyes have started and I don't like them. It is so strange how when I came, I hated Osijek. I felt trapped in this city and was so lonely. And now, I don't want to leave. Things are not perfect, but I finally feel that I have found my place here. I found friends I love and the city itself has changed in my eyes. As the weather became warm, cafes spilled out onto every sidewalk. The river walk became full of people riding bikes, rollarblading, and just strolling. Ice cream can be seen everywhere (and Croatian ice cream is so much better than American ice cream!). I love it. I went through a really hard time and now I am on the other side, but soon I have to say goodbye.
          And so I am trying to fill my last week with everything I love about Osijek. I will go swimming in the Drava for the first time tomorrow. I plan to ride my bike every night this week. I want to go out for coffee and ice cream with friends. I will get another haircut, since it is quite cheap here in Osijek. And I will just spend time with those I have made relationships with. But I am struggling with how to make this goodbye meaningful. This is the end to a chapter of my life and I want to do it right. Are there ways that have been significant to you, my readers, in which you have said goodbye? Is there a good way to say goodbye to a place in which you have grown and changed? Is there a good way to say goodbye to people who have become a part of your life?

And it won't be goodbye forever. I will come back to Osijek. I can promise you that.

To end this blog post, I want to share a funny story that occurred during my time here. An older volunteer in the library was helping me with my Croatian a few months ago. I was reading a Croatian book and translating it into English. There was a sentence about a man who was traveling with his family from the city of Split to Dubrovnik (two cities on the Croatian coast). The sentence read that they were traveling by "brod," the Croatian word for ship. However, I forgot what "brod"meant. The older volunteer translated it for me, saying ship. But he pronounced ship as "sheep" because in Croatian, the vowel i makes the sound ee. I was so confused. I was imagining this family on a herd of sheep traveling down the coast. I said that this could not be right. Brod did not mean sheep. And so I looked up the word in a dictionary. I then realized that he had just mispronounced it. I laughed to myself, but I did not want to correct him out loud. Later, though, as I told the story to some friends, I had a nice long laugh.
          

"The world is my home"

          I just attended an extremely interesting presentation of a guy who spent one thousand days traveling the world on a budget of one thousand euros. He had many adventures to tell and wrote a book about his experience. Although it is currently only in Croatian (he is from Zagreb), he is releasing an English version soon. I am putting in a plug here because he seemed to be a really great guy with some awesome adventures to tell. So visit his website, http://www.1000daysofsummer.com, and buy his book when it comes out. (Or if you know Croatian, you could get a copy now). One thing that really intrigued me was that he said the world was his home for the last three years.
          That is who I have always imagined myself to be; a girl who can feel at home wherever she travels. I love traveling and I love meeting new people. I like to break down stereotypes and learn about new cultures. This is the reason that I came to Croatia. However, as much as I love these things, I realize that I don't feel at home in all places. Even here in Osijek, where I have put in so much effort to make it my own place, I don't feel at home. Even at EMU, where I was so comfortable, I never felt really connected to the place. I was connected to the people and I was so happy where I was, but I never became connected to the actual place. As much as I loved Harrisonburg, and as much as I love Osijek, I don't see a future in either of these places.
          As I expressed recently about my need for community in my life, I also long for a connection to a place. I long to feel at home and to be rooted. People often talk about needing wings to fly and roots to keep you grounded. I definitely have found my wings. I love adventure and I have learned to take risks and set out on my own. But so far, my roots have been to people. As I have been here in Croatia, it has been really hard because my roots, my people, were back in the United States. I tried to put roots here, but I was not able to do so. I found people, really, really great people, but I did not find a place to put roots.
          I realize that as much as I want to be someone who can just travel the world and be perfectly happy for one thousand days, I am not. I admire Tom (the guy whose presentation I went to) and others who live such lives, but this life is not for me. I long for roots to stable me so I am able to fly. I will keep traveling, because honestly, I am addicted. But I don't think that I will live internationally by myself again. If I am going to live internationally, I need either a community (or person) in which I can place roots, or a place to which I am deeply connected.
          Osijek is not this place. Harrisonburg is not this place. As I have mentioned before in my blog, the only places I have ever truly felt connected to were Colorado and Iraq. I have no plans to move to either one anytime soon, but I feel that my journey in those places is not done. Colorado has been there for me my whole life and in three short weeks, Iraq also grew a place in my heart. I can only wonder where I will actually end up... Will I end up in Iraq or Colorado, satisfied in a place that feels like home, or will my roots remain only with people? Or will there be a perfect fit; will I find somewhere where I plant my roots deeply in a community and a place? 

Soccer, Saint Days, and Hedgehogs

            For those who don’t keep up with important world news, Croatia played Brazil in the opening game of the World Cup on Thursday. I did not grow up in a soccer family and honestly do not know much about the sport or keep up with things such as the World Cup. And in the United States, it is fine. I might see some results on facebook, but for the most part, there is no much evidence that such an event is even happening. It is NOT like that here in Croatia. For the past month, every store has been selling Croatian jerseys, t-shirts, mugs, horns, thundersticks, ect. Cars all of a sudden are decked out with the red and white checkered pattern of the national team and flags can be seen everywhere.

            Then on Thursday, the real excitement began. Every café (of which there are hundreds in this city) brought out their TV’s or set up a large projector in the street. The three different squares of the town also set up their own screens so people could come out and watch the game together. Even though the game didn’t start until 10pm, you could hear loud music all over town with horns honking and people singing. I decided that I would watch the first half with strangers in the main square. I wanted to observe all the festivities as I rode my bike the fifteen minutes from my dorm to downtown.

            At the main square, a live band was playing Croatian music before the start of the game. People were gathered, all wearing red, white, and blue, drinking beer and laughing with friends. Even those who didn’t believe Croatia would win (we were playing the home team) was caught up in the atmosphere and singing along to the national anthem. And then when Croatia scored the first goal, chaos erupted. The whole crowd was jumping and yelling. Fire crackers were set off and the police just stood there smiling. For a moment, the whole country was together, celebrating.

The rest of game didn’t go so well. I watched the rest in my dorm, which was not nearly as full of excitement. But the referee (is that what they are called in soccer?) made some terrible calls against Croatia, which cost us the game. Even non-Croatians agree the calls were bad. But then again, Brazil did hold procession for most of the game, so they might have won anyway. The next game Croatia plays Cameroon, so hopefully that will go better. I am just excited to people watch again and be a part of all the festivities.

And then yesterday was the saint day of Saint Anthony, who is the patron saint of children and the saint of one of the Catholic churches in the old city of Osijek. (Once again, I am not sure the validity of this information… I am not Catholic and this information was roughly translated to me.) To celebrate, a huge festival was set up.  It felt like a county fair in the United States, with cotton candy and carnival rides. Booths were set up selling goods and the streets were crowded. The only part that had to do with the Saint was going to the church to receive lilies, the symbol of Saint Anthony. I had a great time with one of my good friends from the library. And afterward we got to hang out a bit and I experienced a little bit more of Croatian hospitality.

On my way home last night, I happened across a hedgehog on the side of the bike path. This was my second sighting in  a week and the second sighting of my life. Although he was terrified of me, he didn’t run away as I stopped, took pictures and petted him. Hedgehogs really are prickly! And cute! Too bad they are not nearly as common in the United States, at least where I have lived. All in all, it has been a pretty fantastic last couple of days.