Falling Hard into Reality

          When you are little you just believe that everything is going to work out. You can do anything you want when you grow up and the world is wide open. Looking at my life so far, I have held onto this belief for a long time. The plans I have had for the future might have changed, but I always felt that the whole world was at my fingertips. I believed that everything was going to fall into place and everything I had been dreaming of would happen. I believed that every opportunity would be open and for years I did get everything I wanted. However, I am learning now that life is not like this.
          This past week has been on me as I did not get an internship I really wanted, did not receive a scholarship I was sure I would get, and have begun working a job I really do not like. The rejection hurt really bad, especially the internship. I applied for MCC's summer internship at the U.N. Liaison office in NYC. This was my dream job and I believed that my application was really strong with my high academic standing, campus leadership and involvement, and work experience. But, I did not even receive an interview. Working with the United Nations while acting on my Mennonite convictions is my dream and I felt it being crushed. What scared me even more than not receiving the internship was that my future also seems to be on the balance right now.
          I want to go work in the human rights field. Although there is a lot of need in this field, there are not a lot of jobs. The jobs that exist usually require a masters degree and work experience. These jobs do not pay a lot, but I have not cared because I just want to help people. I have never gotten too down about this, though, because I truly believed things would work out. But now, I was not even able to get an interview within the Mennonite church. If nothing else, I believed my Mennonite connections would help me. If I cannot get an unpaid internship with MCC how in the world will I be able to get a job? How will I even be able to make it into graduate school? If I get into graduate school, I have no money to pay for it. All of a sudden I have felt my future come crashing down on top of my head.
          This week I have also begun my summer job. I am working at Suter's Produce http://www.suterproduce.com/. I worked almost 40 hours this past week picking and selling strawberries. I really love my bosses and enjoy immensely working in the little red barns selling the produce. However, getting up at 5:15 every morning to go pick has not been fun. I am not a morning person and even more than this, picking strawberries is really hard work! My back and legs hurt so badly! My knees are completely bruised and I am really slow, which is bad since I am paid by how many buckets I pick. I know I should not complain because it is a good job and will not last too long (strawberry season is only about three weeks), but with the lack of sleep and the other disappointments it has been hard to stay positive.
          So where do I go from here? I really do not know what to do anymore. The rest of the summer will be spent working on the farm and visiting my grandma in Kansas and hopefully Colorado. I hope to do a lot more reading and maybe studying for the GRE, but other than that I honestly do not know what the future holds. And for the first time in my life, I am really scared.

Missing Europe

          I am sitting in a Panera Bread right now in Reading, PA. I came from Anna Hershey's house this morning after dropping her off at work bright and early. I have had such a great trip so far. I really love traveling and seeing a different part of the country. Pennsylvania is really a beautiful state! Traveling also always reminds me of Europe and all of the adventures I had last semester. When I left Europe in December I was so happy to be coming home. I was so homesick and could not wait to be back where I felt I belonged. The first month or two of being back was so good and hard at the same time. I struggled with finding meaning from my trip. My friends returning from EMU Cross Cultural trips all seemed so excited about their time in some third-world country experiencing a lifestyle completely different than anything else they had ever experienced.

          But I had gone to Western Europe. I took classes that I did not really enjoy and spent most of my time with other Americans. Sure there had been some good times, but was it really worth it? I was back at EMU and loving being involved with everything, having a million friends, taking leadership positions, and really feeling like I belonged. However, this feeling did not last long as I hit some bumps. I took on too much with 18 credits, auditing another class, working two jobs, and being president of three clubs on campus. The stress became too much and I was having some personal problems on top of that. I was also missing Krissy like crazy. Suddenly, being back was not as great as I thought it would be. I began to miss Europe.

          This last semester was not all bad. There were some really great parts and life-changing experiences that I am still processing and hope to share. And by the end, I had reconciled my experience in Europe. Classes that I had taken in Europe started to become relevant to other things I was studying. Looking back now, I think that International Law and European Peace and Security Studies were probably two of the most relevant classes I have had in college for the career path that I hope to take. Even my internship has seemed to have more meaning now that I am back. And now, I miss Europe so much! Little things will remind me of something that happened and I find myself talking about Europe more than what people are interested in. I miss the cities that I explored and the friends that I made. I might have become close to mostly Americans, but they were Americans whom I would have never had met otherwise.

          I have realized that Belgium really was the perfect choice for me. As more EMU groups have come back, I see that I would not have enjoyed traveling with a large group. I love that I had some core friends, but I did not have to spend all my time with them. I had so much time on my own to explore and be independent. I needed the chance to go somewhere where no one knew me and get out of my Mennonite bubble. I wanted my own adventure to explore the infinite abyss and see the world without always having a strict schedule. And I did! I went out and saw so many new places and lived in a place where I did not always feel like I fit in. I learned so much about myself and now have memories that I will never forget! Even the bad times do not seem nearly as terrible. I do not know when I will get back to Europe, but right now, I cannot wait. 

Back, Ready for Adventure

          I meant to keep up my blog after I returned from Europe, but things have been so busy that I never did get back to it. Now, it is summer I made it one of my summer goals to start writing again. A lot of things happened this last semester that I want to reflect on. A lot is happening this summer that I want to reflect on. So here I am, ready once again to explore the infinite abyss and all the possibilities the world has to offer, even if I am not out galavanting the world.

          I do mean to do some galavanting, though. Today, I am leaving for a mini road trip. I am first heading to Millersburg, OH to spend the night with my friend Eva. Then, I shall spend a day in Orrille with my brother Ryan. On Sunday I shall head to Scottdale, PA to spend a couple days with my friend Anna Weaver. We plan to go into Pittsburgh for a day for exploration and fun. On Tuesday I will head to Harleysville, PA to celebrate my friend Anna Hershey's twenty-first birthday! I will stay with her the rest of the week before heading to Reading, PA on Saturday for Brook Musselman and Laura Johnston's wedding! After that I will probably head on home, although I am not quite sure.

          As for the rest of the summer, I hope to visit my grandma in Kansas and maybe Colorado. I also hope to see my roommates from last semester, Krissy and Erica. While I am at home, I plan on painting the house, maybe selling some strawberries and sweet corn, and tending to my garden. That is right, I planted a vegetable garden. I really know nothing about gardening, but I have been wanting to grow one for a few years and now I finally have the chance. I am really hoping that it works and that I will one day have vegetables to eat that I grew myself. 

          Another thing I want to write about are my reflections on the books I read. I have the bad habit of buying books on sale, then not having the time to read them. Now i have a whole summer ahead of me and I want to use it to read all these books, almost fifty in number! I have already finished one that I had started over Christmas break. The book was Reaching the Other Side; The Journal of an American who stayed to witness Vietnam's postwar transition by Earl S. Martin. I met Earl last year when he came to speak about his experience with MCC in Vietnam to my Biblical Theology of Peace and Justice class. He is such a story-teller and I went online to find a used version of his book. The book tells all about his time when the Viet-Cong took over the entire country when the Americans finally left. The thing that struck me most is how the enemy turned out not to be that evil. Yes, a lot of blood was spilled in the war and people on both sides committed terrible atrocities, but there were also good people on all sides. I was struck once again how there is no clear good and bad, but how there truly is hope because we are human. I believe to the core of me that in every human is the potential for good. Earl saw this in the supposed enemy of the Vietnam War, and I want to continue to look for it in everyone I meet.