Sunday, May 27, 2012

Falling Hard into Reality

          When you are little you just believe that everything is going to work out. You can do anything you want when you grow up and the world is wide open. Looking at my life so far, I have held onto this belief for a long time. The plans I have had for the future might have changed, but I always felt that the whole world was at my fingertips. I believed that everything was going to fall into place and everything I had been dreaming of would happen. I believed that every opportunity would be open and for years I did get everything I wanted. However, I am learning now that life is not like this.
          This past week has been on me as I did not get an internship I really wanted, did not receive a scholarship I was sure I would get, and have begun working a job I really do not like. The rejection hurt really bad, especially the internship. I applied for MCC's summer internship at the U.N. Liaison office in NYC. This was my dream job and I believed that my application was really strong with my high academic standing, campus leadership and involvement, and work experience. But, I did not even receive an interview. Working with the United Nations while acting on my Mennonite convictions is my dream and I felt it being crushed. What scared me even more than not receiving the internship was that my future also seems to be on the balance right now.
          I want to go work in the human rights field. Although there is a lot of need in this field, there are not a lot of jobs. The jobs that exist usually require a masters degree and work experience. These jobs do not pay a lot, but I have not cared because I just want to help people. I have never gotten too down about this, though, because I truly believed things would work out. But now, I was not even able to get an interview within the Mennonite church. If nothing else, I believed my Mennonite connections would help me. If I cannot get an unpaid internship with MCC how in the world will I be able to get a job? How will I even be able to make it into graduate school? If I get into graduate school, I have no money to pay for it. All of a sudden I have felt my future come crashing down on top of my head.
          This week I have also begun my summer job. I am working at Suter's Produce I worked almost 40 hours this past week picking and selling strawberries. I really love my bosses and enjoy immensely working in the little red barns selling the produce. However, getting up at 5:15 every morning to go pick has not been fun. I am not a morning person and even more than this, picking strawberries is really hard work! My back and legs hurt so badly! My knees are completely bruised and I am really slow, which is bad since I am paid by how many buckets I pick. I know I should not complain because it is a good job and will not last too long (strawberry season is only about three weeks), but with the lack of sleep and the other disappointments it has been hard to stay positive.
          So where do I go from here? I really do not know what to do anymore. The rest of the summer will be spent working on the farm and visiting my grandma in Kansas and hopefully Colorado. I hope to do a lot more reading and maybe studying for the GRE, but other than that I honestly do not know what the future holds. And for the first time in my life, I am really scared.

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