A lot of thoughts run through my head in the course of a day... from classwork to Peace Fellowship to friends, I feel there is always something to be pondering about. A lot of these times these thoughts give me energy. Especially times such as yesterday when I had the privilege to hear two different speakers on peace and finding meaning in peacemaking. The thoughts from the speakers intrigued me and I became wrapped up in the hope of my future in peacemaking. Then, there are days like today, when I get caught up in my own feelings of self-doubt and loneliness. These thoughts seems to consume me for no reason (especially since I am daily surrounded by people who love me) and I lose focus in classes and meetings.
How do I keep focus and interest on these days? Sometimes I can justify my lack of focus, but days like today, there is really no good reason for it. And then I get even more upset with myself, putting myself in a even worse mood. Is it possible for me to talk myself out of a bad mood? Or do I just get lost in meaningness of life for the day and hope that a miraculous change will occur or at least tomorrow will be better. Many times I try to talk myself out of it; I try to reason with myself and convince myself that I have no reason to be upset. This rarely works for me. Often, I end up getting more unfocused and frustrated. Giving up hope and just waiting for change sometimes helps. I often run into a friend or have an energizing conversation, or at least a good night's sleep, that makes me feel better and get excited once more about life. However, the time waiting for this to happen is lonely and seems like a waste of time and energy.
Is there be an alternative? Is there a way to live a meaningful life all the time and get rid of these blah days when you are unfocused and discouraged for no reason? It might not be possible all of the time, but I like to believe there are alternatives if you are willing to do them. For me, it is to actively seek out activities that give me joy. If conversations give me energy, I need to get over my own loneliness and find someone to talk to about something that gives me joy. Other times, I need to be by myself and live into my feelings in a productive way. As discussed in previous posts, I do this through creative expression, such as painting. Today, I am doing this by writing. By using my creative side, I am able to see a different reality of the day and myself.
Taking the time and energy to change my mood is not always easy. I often find myself just wallowing and watching tv instead. However, today I am not willing to let myself do that. I have so much in life to be excited for and too little time left in college to be wasting it feeling bad about myself. Today, I am choosing to share with the world one of my weaknesses and then moving on. By recognizing my own feelings and flaws, I can live more deeply into myself and begin to focus on what truly matters.