A Visit From My Director

          This past weekend, my director from Switzerland came to Osijek to visit me. She visits every project in Europe once a year and she always comes to the Balkans around Thanksgiving time. It was fun having her here and showing her around Osijek as well as letting her see what my daily life looks like. She arrived on Thursday night and left early Sunday morning. During that time she came with me to work, sat in on my Croatian lesson, and explored the city together. Friday afternoon we went to lovely place called Cookie Cafe where we drank tea and ate cookies. We ate out on a boat restaurant on the Drava before meeting up with the professor who arranged for me to come to the seminary. We learned about the different peace projects she has been involved with as well as met a man who as a child, spent 260 days in a concentration camp during the war here in Croatia. He now travels around telling his story. He was very inspiring and I plan to write more about him after I finish reading his story.
         Saturday, we went to the center of town and visited the tourist office as well as the bus station so Kristin could buy her ticket for the next day. We then took part in a small protest that was happening on the central square. The Croatian government is voting on a referendum on December 1 that would add "marriage is for one man and one woman" to the Constitution. A rally of sorts was taking place in support. However, we met a group of young people that were speaking out against the referendum. I was very happy to join these protestors in action against the referendum and show my support as an ally. I also befriended one of the young people and learned about the NGO he works for, called Youth Initiative for Human Rights. I am hoping to be able to do a sort of internship with them during my time in Croatia as they are opening as office soon in Osijek.
          Kristin and I then explored a little bit of the old city. We got to climb on the city walls, which was really great. I have learned to love climbing on city walls through my experiences in Derry, Northern Ireland, Diyarbikir, Turkey, and Istanbul. After a time of exploring we met up with the man I will be working for when I move to Zagreb. It was great to be able to talk with him a little bit and hear about the work I will be doing for the next two years when my official placement begins. Saturday afternoon was spent drinking tea inside out of the rain and cold, then venturing out for dinner. It was so nice to have someone who knows me more to talk to and be able to process my first month with.
          The reason that Kristin comes to the Balkans around Thanksgiving is to have the BVSers of the region come together for the holiday. She visited one BVSer in Split Sunday, Monday, and today, then tomorrow will head to Mostar, Bosnia to visit another one. I am following in her path and will take a night bus to Split tomorrow night. I will arrive Thursday morning and will spend Thanksgiving exploring the city on my own. I will stay with the BVSer there, then the two of us will travel to Mostar together on Friday. It will be so nice to explore new places and spend time with other volunteers! On Sunday morning I will take a bus up to Sarajevo where I will visit a friend who is with Mennonite Central Committee and stay with her until Wednesday morning. I will then make my way back up to Osijek. It will be nice to have a week away and see another part of the region. 

Gold Forever / Being Infinite

Say my name like its the last time
Live today like its the last night
We want to cry but we know its alright
Cause I'm with you and you're with me

Butterflies, butterflies, 
We were meant to fly, you and I, you and I
Colors in sky, we can rule the world someday somehow
But we'll never be as bright as we are now

We're standing in a light that won't fade
Tomorrow's coming but this won't change
Because some days stay gold forever
The memory of being here with you is one I'm going to take my life through
Because some days stay gold forever

Promise me you'll stay the way you are
Keep your fire alive and stay young at heart
When the storms feels like it will blow you out
Remember you got me, and I got you.

Butterflies, butterflies
We were meant to fly, you and I , you and I
When the innocence is dead and gone, these will be the times we look back on

I won't, I won't let your memory go because your colors, they burn so bright
Who knows, who knows what tomorrow will hold but I know that we'll be alright


We're standing in a light that won't fade
Tomorrow's coming but this won't change
Because some days stay gold forever
The memory of being here with you is one I'm going to take my life through
Because some days stay gold forever

These are the lyrics to my favorite song called Gold Forever sung by The Wanted. I first heard it a year and a half ago and since then I have been asking people about days or moments they remember as golden: the times in  your life that you will always remember as being perfect. As the song says, these are the memories we will remember when life gets hard and those people that were there are the ones who will always be there. As I am adjusting to my new life in Croatia, I want to share a few of my golden days. I have had many of these in the past four years, but I shall only mention a few here.

..... Freshman year of college I had a field trip to DC and my friend Lisle came with me. We had the perfect day of visiting art museums (my first time at an art museum, where I think I first fell in love with art) then iceskating on the mall (my very first time iceskating), then ending with a Shakespeare play.

..... Sophomore year of college my roommate Rachel came home with me for fall break. We got to drink apple cider, go through a corn maze with Jana and another friend from high school, then spend a terrific day at Cedar Point. That semester was also the semester when our friend Shelby practically lived in our room as a third roommate. We would have the absolute best dance parties and late night talks.

..... Junior year of college I was in Paris for a class trip. Krissy and I ventured off on our one night to visit my family who had just arrived for vacation. After saying hi, we went to a church service at the Sacre Cour (this is around 10pm). After the service we heard some music and went to investigate. A guy was playing his guitar and singing covers of songs to a group gathered. Krissy and sat down and listened and sang along (he sang many of my favorite songs) as we overlooked the entire city. On our way back to the hostel, we stopped to take our pictures together in a photo booth.

..... Senior year of college I went to Philadelphia with five dear friends of mine (Josh, Krista, Seth, Rachel, and Erin) for a conference. Although the conference was good, what I will remember most is the time that we all spent together, exploring the city, watching MegaMind, and taking silly pictures together. Just a week later Krista and I had an exceptional evening of drinking tea together and stargazing. I then left the next day with my roommate Ruth and three other friends to explore Istanbul together.

..... This summer when Josh, Ruth, James, and Jenna came to Colorado to visit me was a golden week! Everything was perfect and I don't know if I have ever been happier. I was in my favorite place in the entire world and with some of my closest friends, acting silly, listening to great music, and going on awesome adventures.

..... And the final one I will mention also happened this summer. Krissy came to visit for a couple of days and on the way back to Detroit to drop her off at the airport we talked a lot. I was processing a large conflict I have having with someone and she just listened and voiced her continued support. We then played Gold Forever and as we sang out loud, I knew that things would be okay because I had her in my life. I knew that Krissy would always be there for me. As would Lisle, Rachel, Shelby, Josh, Krista, Jana, Amy and the many other close friends I have. And they have been. As I have emailed and skyped with my friends, I have been able to transition to living here and knowing that no matter the storm I would be okay.

What have been your golden moments? When have you felt the most alive? And more importantly, who were you with? Who are the people that help you realize that everything is going to be okay?

I want to end this post with a quote from my favorite movie, Perks of Being a Wallflower. The movie describes this same feeling of golden moments but with the idea of feeling infinite. You probably could guess that I love this quote because it is also linked to the title of my blog. I like to see life as an infinite abyss and when we are living life to the fullest, we also feel that we are infinite.

I know these will all be stories someday. And our pictures will become old photographs. We'll all become somebody's mom or dad. But right now these moments are not stories. This is happening. I am here and I am looking at her. And she is so beautiful. I can see it. This one moment when you know you're not a sad story. You are alive, and you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you're listening to that song and that drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment I sear, we are infinite.

The first step into peace work

          I have now been in Croatia for four weeks! Four weeks of transitioning and learning about myself, a new country, and of course a new language. In the midst of this transition, I have temporarily forgotten one of the main reasons that I have come here. And that is to learn about peace work and the war that occurred here less than twenty years ago. It is strange to think of this place in the midst of war... life seems so normal now. However, as I visited the Osijek Center for Peace, Nonviolence and Human Rights on Thursday, I learned a lot more about the effects of war on the people here and work being done for justice and human rights.
          First, though, I want to mention two instances when I witnessed reconciliation at work. The first happened a couple of weeks ago here at the seminary with a presentation of the Bible, newly translated into the Bosnian language. Most of the presentation was in Croatian, but the last speaker was from the U.K. and thus spoke in English. He has helped translate the Bible into many different languages and helped with this new translation. He explained that the main translators of the Bible were actually Muslims. These Muslims from Bosnia, wanted the Bible translated into Bosnian as a sign of reconciliation towards the Christians in the country. He went to talk about how these Muslims were cousins of Christians and we should not be afraid of the differences between the two religions. Coming from EMU, hearing someone talk on inter-faith dialogue is not a new concept, but it was interesting to hear it in the context of Bosnia, where Christians and Muslims live side by side.
          The second instance of reconciliation was at the youth conference I attended in Zagreb and this weekend at the Pentecostal church I attend. The youth conference brought in participants from not just Croatia, but Slovenia, Bosnia, and Serbia. This did not seem like a big deal to me, but one of my translators pointed out to me how incredible this really is. At one point they had people from the different countries stand up and everyone else cheered loudly. I was told that for Croatians to be cheering loudly for Serbians is really unique and does not happen. And this weekend, a Roma band from Serbia has been here and leading worship in several different services. I have loved to hear this new kind of music (think of a normal praise band, but then add violin, clarinet, and accordion) and enjoyed getting to know more about Serbia and Roma culture. However, I also realize that this is not normal for the country. It really impresses me that the evangelical church here really works to be a church body across nationalistic and political lines. This is reconciliation at work.
          But now, I am hoping to really learn so much more about peacebuilding here in Croatia. My meeting with the staff of the peace center went great and I hope to have coffee with them again this week. They gave me several books and magazines to read about peace work in this region after the war and I have spent part of my weekend being all nerdy, reading up on how groups are monitoring war crime trials and specific peacebuilding practices that occurred after the war. Reading has brought back some of my passion and my excitement to be here in this country, which I had lost as I had been feeling homesick and awkward. It reminded me of what I want to do with my life and the importance of learning Croatian. But it has also challenged me to keep questioning what I am doing.

The following is a list that Goran Božičević has written about why internationals enter the peacebuilding field. It doesn't paint a pretty picture, but I think this list is important for young idealists like myself to think about as we enter into international peacebuilding.

a) Peacebuilding is a new field, not many people are even aware of its existence - so activists can consider themselves as pioneers, even as making history. 

b) Peacebuilders are supposed to bring about change, or at least manage it, which gives a powerful feeling.
c) We can earn quite a good income from working 'in peacebuilding'. Plus, if we count more than money, we earn huge benefits: experience, exposure to different cultures, contacts...
d) Peace work takes place in situations at the edge of danger, which means that it is emotionally demanding (so we have the rewarding feeling that we are doing a hard job).
e) We have the privilege of being part of big, powerful, dominant structures, but we are also distant from them. What I mean is that our passport is -often- protecting us. Established, functioning, efficient health and social care systems are backing us up. If the situation should worsen, evacuation will be organised for us. Our kids have access to all the resources 'those kids in the field' do not have. We are/feel like 'normal' people - but in the 'field' reality, we are not.
f) We consider ourselves as 'good guys', even though we never say so. As we are fixing what 'bad guys' have done, we must be the good ones. This feeling creates individual and collective 'identity'.
g) Wherever you work, whatever conflict you are managing (they are 'all the same' or -well- 'similar') you always find someone you know from some other crisis - an old friend. The more you work and travel, the more people you know. In the end, we are one (relatively small) community.*

*From Collusion and Disobedience: Positive peacebuilding practices in Croatia in 1990s and later. 

Being a kid again

          As many of you know, I am attempting to learn Croatian. I say attempting because Croatian happens to be one of the hardest languages to learn. And since I have never really learned a language before (Spanish in high school doesn't really count), I am learning how difficult it really is. But my tutor is great and slowly (VERY SLOWLY), I am picking up a few words and phrases. My newest plan is to attempt to read children's books. I figure they can't be that hard and I love reading, so this is the perfect way to learn! I have a few children's Bibles and today a friend checked out this book about bicycles from the library for me to read. Luckily, it has easy words and lots of pictures. Even so, I am still struggling with the all the words. 

          Another thing that makes me feel like a kid again is the essay I had to write last weekend for my homework. My tutor knew I was going to the zoo, so she gave me zoo words and told me to write about my time. This is my essay. "Idem u zoo s mojim prijateljem. Vidimo puno životine. Moja najdraža životinja je žirafa. Dvije žirafe su u zoo-u u Osijeku. Mojem prijatelju se sviđa tigar. Tigar spava. Majmuni u kavezu su smiješni. Blizu lava je medvjed. Tamo su tri vuk. Jedan vuk je ljut. Ne hranimo životinje. Ptice su zanimljive i lijepe. Ribe su dosadne. Mi ze zabovljamo."

          Translated, this reads, "I go to the zoo with my friend. We see lots of animals. My favorite animal is the giraffe.  There are two giraffes in the zoo in Osijek. My friend likes the tiger. The tiger sleeps. The monkeys in the cage are funny. Next to the lion is the bear. There are three wolves. One wolf is angry. We did not feed the animals. The birds are interesting and pretty. The fish are boring. I had fun." As you can tell, I do not know past tense yet and my transitions are a little rough. But for being here under four weeks, it is not too bad. I am anxious for the time when I just know Croatian, but that will only come with time and much practice. So for now, I will try to enjoy being a kid again. 

Being Brave

         One thing people have told me here as well as before I left the U.S. is that I am being very brave. There are not many twenty-two year olds who would leave their family and friends behind to travel to a new country where they know no one and do not speak any of the language. As I have been here, sometimes I wonder if stupidity is more like the right word. But honestly, it was brave to come, but I find myself having to be brave everyday. 

         I am not an outgoing type. Although I love people and I love building new relationships, I have to really push myself to go up to someone and begin talking. Especially since I have been here, I find myself so nervous to have a conversation and especially to practice my Croatian. I am so self-conscious. I cannot tell you why I am this way. I really wish I wasn't. I am so envious of people who can just go up to anyone and begin a conversation. This is my struggle and I make little victories everyday. 

         Such as yesterday, I was having a really good day. I felt like I connected well with my coworkers in the library and decided to ask a friend to go to the zoo with me today. He doesn't speak much English, but I used the little Croatian I knew and we went today and had a good time. Another friend invited me to join a worship band for student chapel and tonight I had practice (the first time playing the bass guitar in about four years!). I was then invited to a girl's night with a neighbor and her friends, and it was great (the conversation was half in English and half in Croatian). I am making connections and I feel like my life is stabilizing a bit. 

          And some things that made me so nervous a week ago, don't phase me anymore. Such I have been running regularly and no longer think that everyone is staring and talking about me. I am not afraid to go to the grocery store or take a walk around the block. But I still feel that need to be more assertive. I am working hard to be brave, yet have the grace to accept myself for who I am. And as much as I would like to be, I am not out-going in new situations. It will probably always be hard for me to put myself out there and be fully engaged in potentially awkward situations. And that is okay. The important thing is that I am here and I am trying. 

         And being in this situation has brought a new insight into my life about welcoming the stranger. Especially last weekend as I was in Zagreb, I wanted so much for people to just come up and talk to me. It was hard to see people in their own groups and even when they knew I was alone and a foreigner, most did not make an effort to welcome me. Some people did show me amazing hospitality and began conversations. And that felt so good. And here at the seminary, people have been so nice and many have taken the initiative to be my friend. But it has made me reflect on situations when I was on the inside and had my own group... did I actively seek out those who were new or lonely? Was I willing to be brave and leave my comfort zone to welcome someone else?

         You do not have to leave your home to be brave. But you do need to leave your comfort zone. I challenge anyone who reads this to examine your own life. Is there a time when you have seen someone all alone, yet did not go up to them? Is there someone you could invite out for coffee to make them feel like they have a friend? I invite you to join my struggle... go out there and make some new friends. Leave safety behind in order to show radical hospitality. Go be brave!

Highs and Lows

         It has been two weeks since I arrived here in Croatia. I wish I could tell you that I made it past my transition period and absolutely love this new adventure I am on. However, I made a promise to myself that my blog would always reveal the truth. And the truth is that there have been some really low moments these past two weeks and I continue to struggle with adjusting to this new place and the fact that I am not going home for two and a half years. But it would also be a lie to say I am depressed all the time and hate it here. There have been some really good days and I believe it was the right decision to come here. So let me share with you some of my highs and lows for the past two weeks.
          First a high. The city of Osijek is situated on the Drava river. The Drava is less than a kilometer away from me and it is my probably my favorite thing about the city thus far. It is not a very big river, but the movement and peace of the river touches part of my soul. When I am by the river, I feel like I can breathe and be refreshed with a sense of calm and peace. There is a short river walk near me and a larger one near the center of town. I try to run or walk on one of these paths everyday. This is getting harder as it gets darker sooner (it is completely dark by 5pm!) and the weather is turning a little bit colder (I actually wore a jacket over my sweater when I went to the grocery store today). However, I really want to stay in the habit of being active and going to the Drava and finding calm in the midst of everything happening in my life.
          Another high is the feeling of becoming more and more comfortable. I was gone this weekend and it felt so good to come back to the seminary and my room. I am becoming really comfortable around the other people in the library. They are interested in me and always ask me how I am doing. Today, a new volunteer (newer than me!) told me how sorry she was that her English wasn't better or else she would translate some of the conversations happening. I have been left alone with my work (no one checks for mistakes anymore) and it feels really good to know what I am doing and be trusted to do a good job. I have yet to get bored with the work, so that is really good. I am also slowly getting to know a couple of other people living in the dorm. I had coffee with my next door neighbor last weekend and couple of boys have been helping me with my Croatian. They say they like to practice their English with me (although their English is so much better than my Croatian!). I even played chess last week with one of the guys. I am also more comfortable moving about town if it is going on a run or buying groceries. I am not nearly as nervous as I was last week.
          As I mentioned earlier, I was gone this weekend. Friday was a national holiday (All Saints Day), but I actually left Thursday afternoon with a large group to go to a protestant church youth conference in Zagreb. The weekend was full of highs and lows... some really low and some pretty high. I think the hardest part was that everyone seemed to have a group and did not care to get to know a new person. It would have been a hard situation even in the U.S., but having a language barrier made it even harder. I have to be honest that for part of it I was really angry because I knew that people knew I was alone and did not know Croatian and they knew English, yet they did not talk to me. I felt so alone and was so incredibly homesick. I wanted to get on the next flight back to the U.S. But I knew that was not an option.
         One of the reasons I choose BVS was I did not want to spend only one year in a country. Partly because you cannot learn a new language in a year, but partly because I did not want to be able to count down the days. I knew that if I knew I was going home, I would just allow myself to check out and just wait to go home. But I am here two and a half years... I cannot count down that much! I am not going home and thus I have to deal with my feelings here. I need to find a way to turn around the situation and learn to survive. A friend recently put up the following quote from the movie Away We Go on her facebook page. "It's all those good things you have in you. The love, the wisdom, the generosity, the selflessness, the patience... You have to be so much better than you ever thought you could be." In the same way, here I have to be more than I think I can be. I have to deal with the lows because I don't have a choice. And somehow tleave everything I have known to spend over two years away. But I am here and I am doing it. And somehow thinking about this made me feel better.
         And the weekend got better. I went with one of my coworkers in the library who is in her mid-thirties. And it was really nice getting to know her better. She really tried to take care of me and include me in different activities. She was the one who made sure that someone interpreted the worship services and workshops for me. I feel so grateful to have met her and have her in my life. Another couple of girls a little older than me also began including me in their activities and talking to me. One girl in particular is from Zagreb and when I told her that I was moving there, she said that we would be good friends and I would come to her church. She actually has already emailed me, which is so incredibly sweet. Another missionary couple (the woman is Croatian, husband American) took me out to this awesome coffee shop and was telling me about some of the big differences in culture.
          The conference itself was okay. It was evangelical, which most of you know I am not. However, I am at the place in my spiritual journey where I do not get upset when someone has theology I do not agree with, but instead am able to look for the parts that I can agree with. I know I will never agree with  the beliefs of most of the people there, but I can find still search and find pieces of truth and love. I have actually started to pray and there have been moments when I find myself believing again. Being alone out of my comfort zone has me really thinking more about God than I have in the past year. I plan to start going to the local church here, which is Pentecostal. It is not something I am completely comfortable with, but I think it will be good for me and help me to continue make connections with people.
          There have been plenty more highs and lows, but this post is getting long and I have some Croatian homework that I want to get done. As always, I love getting any feedback, be it Facebook, comments, or email. (Regular mail is fine too!) Reading your encouraging words always brings a smile to my face and makes my day a little brighter!