When I finish my three years at seminary, I will have a Masters of Divinity. Divinity. The Divine. I have been pretty open on this blog about where I struggle with issues of faith. In August 2012 I posted on "Finding My Faith Again." In September 2013, I wrote on "Losing My Faith Again." When I wrote "Losing My Faith Again," I did not know if I could honestly claim Christianity. I had so many doubts about God and just so many questions. You see, I have met many people who just know that God exists and they can actively feel the presence of God in their lives. I don't have that feeling; I don't have that complete faith. I think I have felt moments of the Divine, but they always seem to be fleeting and can easily be forgotten. In the midst of struggle and heartache, I could not see or understand God. And at the time I was not prepared to try to find answers for my questions
But here I am now at school studying theology, studying the Divine, studying what faith is. I am asking some really hard questions and studying issues such as suffering and racism and what it all means within the context of faith. I am not sure that I am actually finding any answers, but I find myself gaining a much larger picture of who God is. As I find myself falling in love with theology, I find myself taking the step of faith. Because I am starting to understand that faith is not about a feeling. Faith is about taking a step despite not feeling, despite not knowing. I can say now that I believe in God and that I am a Christian, believing by proclaiming this, I am making a faith statement. I am putting trust in the church, people whom I trust and have come to respect. I am putting my trust in a theology that claims love and liberation for all people. I am putting my trust in the Divine.
My search is far from over. I still have so many questions and I feel like I am just getting my foot wet in understanding what faith is. But I am taking that step. And this step is really scary. I have discovered lately that I am scared of commitment. I am so scared of getting hurt and there are areas of my life in which I am not prepared to risk. But I have decided to take the risk of faith. I have begun this journey even though I don't know where it is taking me. I am scared but I am trusting that God is there.
To end this post, I first am including a quote by the theologian Jurgen Moltmann who addresses the balance between questioning and staying stagnate. I think he describes the balance I have in my life right now of asking really hard questions, but also finding a faith that grounds me. Then below that I have the lyrics to The Wailin' Jennys song called Heaven When We're Home. I have been playing it a lot in the last couple of days as it speaks to my search.
"What is needed then is to find a lively equilibrium between the fundamental self-questioning of man, and the answers by means of which he takes control of himself. Man cannot continue indefinitely in a radical attitude of questioning. He would then never succeed in giving form to his life. Nor can he tie himself down and be content with the external face which his time and his culture give to him. Then he would stagnate. He reaches an equilibrium if he respects the limits which make man's forms of living authentic, and recognizes that in the changes of cultures and of images of man there is, for all the seriousness and hope of the latter, a provisional element." Jurgen Moltmann
Don't know what time it is, I've been up for way too long
and I'm too tired to sleep
I call my mother on the phone, she wasn't home,
and now I'm wondering the street
I've been a fool, I've been cruel to myself
I've been hanging onto nothing
when nothing could be worse than hanging on
And something tells me there must be
something better than all this
I've fallen many times in love and every time
it's been with the wrong man
Still I'm out there living one day at a time
and doing the best I can
Cuz we've all made mistakes
that seem to lead us astray
But every time they helped to get us where we are today
And that's a good a place as any
and it's probably where we're best off anyway
It's a long and rugged road
and we don't now where it's headed
But we know it's going to get us where we're going
And when we find what we're looking for
we'll drop these bags and search no more
'Cuz it's going to feel like heaven when we're home
It's going to feel like heaven when we're home
There's no such thing as perfect,
and if there is we'll fnd it when we're good and dead
Trust me I've been looking
bu tonight I think I'll go and take a bath instead
And then maybe I'll walk a while
and feel the earth beneath me
They say if you stop looking
it doesn't matter if you find it
And whose to say that even if I did
it's what I'm really looking for
It's a long and rugged road
and we don't now where it's headed
But we know it's going to get us where we're going
And when we find what we're looking for
we'll drop these bags and search no more
'Cuz it's going to feel like heaven when we're home
It's going to feel like heaven when we're home
But here I am now at school studying theology, studying the Divine, studying what faith is. I am asking some really hard questions and studying issues such as suffering and racism and what it all means within the context of faith. I am not sure that I am actually finding any answers, but I find myself gaining a much larger picture of who God is. As I find myself falling in love with theology, I find myself taking the step of faith. Because I am starting to understand that faith is not about a feeling. Faith is about taking a step despite not feeling, despite not knowing. I can say now that I believe in God and that I am a Christian, believing by proclaiming this, I am making a faith statement. I am putting trust in the church, people whom I trust and have come to respect. I am putting my trust in a theology that claims love and liberation for all people. I am putting my trust in the Divine.
My search is far from over. I still have so many questions and I feel like I am just getting my foot wet in understanding what faith is. But I am taking that step. And this step is really scary. I have discovered lately that I am scared of commitment. I am so scared of getting hurt and there are areas of my life in which I am not prepared to risk. But I have decided to take the risk of faith. I have begun this journey even though I don't know where it is taking me. I am scared but I am trusting that God is there.
To end this post, I first am including a quote by the theologian Jurgen Moltmann who addresses the balance between questioning and staying stagnate. I think he describes the balance I have in my life right now of asking really hard questions, but also finding a faith that grounds me. Then below that I have the lyrics to The Wailin' Jennys song called Heaven When We're Home. I have been playing it a lot in the last couple of days as it speaks to my search.
"What is needed then is to find a lively equilibrium between the fundamental self-questioning of man, and the answers by means of which he takes control of himself. Man cannot continue indefinitely in a radical attitude of questioning. He would then never succeed in giving form to his life. Nor can he tie himself down and be content with the external face which his time and his culture give to him. Then he would stagnate. He reaches an equilibrium if he respects the limits which make man's forms of living authentic, and recognizes that in the changes of cultures and of images of man there is, for all the seriousness and hope of the latter, a provisional element." Jurgen Moltmann
Don't know what time it is, I've been up for way too long
and I'm too tired to sleep
I call my mother on the phone, she wasn't home,
and now I'm wondering the street
I've been a fool, I've been cruel to myself
I've been hanging onto nothing
when nothing could be worse than hanging on
And something tells me there must be
something better than all this
I've fallen many times in love and every time
it's been with the wrong man
Still I'm out there living one day at a time
and doing the best I can
Cuz we've all made mistakes
that seem to lead us astray
But every time they helped to get us where we are today
And that's a good a place as any
and it's probably where we're best off anyway
It's a long and rugged road
and we don't now where it's headed
But we know it's going to get us where we're going
And when we find what we're looking for
we'll drop these bags and search no more
'Cuz it's going to feel like heaven when we're home
It's going to feel like heaven when we're home
There's no such thing as perfect,
and if there is we'll fnd it when we're good and dead
Trust me I've been looking
bu tonight I think I'll go and take a bath instead
And then maybe I'll walk a while
and feel the earth beneath me
They say if you stop looking
it doesn't matter if you find it
And whose to say that even if I did
it's what I'm really looking for
It's a long and rugged road
and we don't now where it's headed
But we know it's going to get us where we're going
And when we find what we're looking for
we'll drop these bags and search no more
'Cuz it's going to feel like heaven when we're home
It's going to feel like heaven when we're home
My views are, as you know, completely different, but I feel that it is important to question everything and knowing how open-minded and kind-hearted person you are, I have no doubt that no matter what you find peace with, it will only make you even a greater human being. So keep going and I wish you the best no matter what! :)
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