Wednesday, January 14, 2015

First update of 2015

          It has been almost two months since I last posted. This has been for a lot of reasons. First, my life has continued to be extremely busy. Even with Christmas Break, I feel like I have had no time to just relax and get caught up on sleep. My break was full of finishing up papers, working extra hours, and then traveling to Ohio, back to Indiana for my Grandma Schmidt's memorial service, then to Kansas for family Christmas, back to Ohio to visit my spiritual director in Cincinnati, then finally back here on New Year's Eve to work. Currently I am in a two-week intensive class entitled Education for Peace and Justice. The class is going fine, but it is exhausting having class everyday while still working several of my jobs. I am hoping that I will be able to relax some next week, but already have picked up extra work shifts while I have the time.
          I also haven't written because honestly, I haven't been all that great. I have been tired, stressed, and just kind of sad. I have been frustrated as winter has set in with a mean vengeance. I know I shouldn't complain because I chose to move to Northern Indiana, but I just hate cold and hate snow. And it looks like it is here to stay for a very long time. I have also realized that my precarious balance of work and school is not working. I am left feeling like I have not given my best to any place, but instead am just tired. I think that the transition is also still hard. While at first, being back in the United States felt so good and I was so excited to be in a place where it seemed I fit in, this feeling has worn off. I am glad to be where I am, but I also am not as settled as I would wish. While I am continuing to build friendships, my closest friend here is about to move away at the end of February and I am panicked at the thought of losing her. She has been a huge means of support and love to me, so it is hard to imagine who will be my go-to person when she is gone.
          Finally, I wonder if seminary is right for me. I really did love my classes last semester. I love studying theology and having meaningful conversations with people. However, I still have so many doubts about God that are not going away. The class I am in now is reading some psalms of lament. I can identify with the laments, but then they turn to words of praise, and I cannot identify with it. I cannot seem to get past my agnosticism. Sometimes this is okay, but other times I feel very much like an outsider here. I wish I could just believe, but there is still something (most days) holding me back. Especially with the lack of sleep I am experiencing, it has been hard to stay positive and stay involved in the learning.
          I always take a risk when I write some of my negative feelings down because that is only one part of my life. Even as I have felt a bit depressed, there have also been a lot of really good things happening. I loved reconnecting with friends and family over Christmas. I especially loved getting to see my nephew again. He is just so cute and lovable. I also continue to really like my job at Maple City Market, the food co-op in Goshen. The people are great, as well as getting to be a part of that community. Goshen has actually become a really great place as the downtown has been revitalized and many new businesses and people are coming in. It is exciting to see the local food movement grow and prosper.
          Today also happens to be my birthday and it has been fun to receive messages from friends across the world. My mom is here for the week taking a class, so she will take me and a friend out to eat tonight. I am also having a few friends over for a small party on Sunday, which should be really fun. Pastor's Week is coming up soon, which is exciting due to my family coming for the week (including my nephew!). I am also beginning to plan possible adventures for this spring and summer. I hope to do an east coast trip to visit friends around Easter, then possible international travel this summer. All these things, as well as thinking about warmer weather and spending time outside, bring me hope and happiness.
          I really want to start writing more. Writing has always been a good way for me to process all the different things happening in my life, and I am afraid that I have not done it enough lately. I also hope to be able to write about some of the research I did last semester, as well as more of the random thoughts and dreams I am currently thinking about.

1 comment:

  1. Seminary IS hard! Being in seminary and working full time is HARD! I resonate with your words about not feeling great. Seminary felt like the place to be, but at the same time it is exhausting and tiresome...and doesn't really feel sustainable.

    Blessings as you continue to transition and discern if seminary is the place to be for you!

    Wishing you well from central Indiana!