Art: My connection with God

          This past week has included a lot of thinking and sleeping on my part. My emotions have been up and down and thus two things have happened: I have been sleeping more than usual and painting. Although I feel I have always been artistic, I never was involved in art in high school with the exception of 2-D art freshman year. My family never went to art museums and I worked more on crafts than I did art. However, this has changed a lot since coming to college. For some reason I started collaging. I love to cut up magazines and create posters to hang up. I have actually made quite a few and given them to close friends. I found that cutting magazines was relaxing for me and then finding the perfect way to put images together was like a puzzle. At first my dad thought I was crazy for spending my Christmas vacations cutting magazines, but when the collages come together even he could see the uniqueness in the art. I even made him his own special collage this summer, which he hung in his office.
          I also have begun to visit art museums. I discovered on a field trip my first year of college that I really like looking at paintings, especially more modern art. Somehow the art seemed to speak to me in a way that I did not understand, but was eager for more. My summer in San Antonio was significant in my life and can be characterized by my first visit to the San Antonio Museum of Art. The trip was in the middle of my time there and I had been struggling with my faith and who God is. And somehow in that museum, in the midst of the art and especially the paintings I had somewhat of a revelation. I wrote in my journal that day the following;
         "I fell in love today... at the San Antonio Museum of Art. The art struck a cord in me and I felt like I was seeing everything. The history, the beauty, all the people of the world. I found God. Because God is different than the God I was first introduced to. This God is bigger, more magnificent, and more personal than the God I once knew. This God is everywhere, in everything. This God is one of beauty, history, and all the people of the world. No one can claim this God. But am I a Christian? Yes, because Christian theology points to this God. The church is God's chosen people to show the beuaty to the world. Is Jesus the only way? I don't know... probably not, but Jesus is a human example of how to live one's life in a truly meaningful life. But above all, God is love- life truly lived is an outpouring of love. Love does not mean life will be easy or happy and often there is still tragedy. But this love consumes you and frees you all at once."
          That day I spent hours just sitting on the floor of the museum being filled with art and God. I went back there at least once more that summer to just sit and pray. And so art became intimately connected with God. During my time in Europe I got to visit a LOT of art museums. Being with a group and having to pay attention to specifics in the art work did not bring about the same feelings. However, during each visit, I tried to find a moment alone in the museums to seek out a piece I liked and say a prayer and just sit a moment to take it in.
          I was inspired to start painting myself last spring. I have never learned how to paint and never owned a canvas, but wanted to do something special for my restorative justice project. And somehow holding a paintbrush in my hand just felt right. This summer I bought more canvas and craft paint and copied some paintings that really inspired me. The more I painted, the more I fell in love with it. Especially after a hard spring semester, painting seemed to be a way for me to just relax, be myself, and connect with God without saying any words. I brought my painting supplies to school this semester and during the times when I find myself sinking into depression, I bring them out and start working. I mostly just copy paintings I find inspiring. I still don't know anything about painting, but it feels so natural and I find my stress melting away with every stroke.
          I did not plan to write about art today, but this blog post just kind of came out. I do not know how or if art will play a part in my future, but right now art is my way of talking with God. Art is my way of dealing with life when I feel myself at the edge of a cliff. In art I find joy. In art I find beauty. And somehow the world begins to make sense again.

The end of my delegation

          Well I am finally coming to end of my crazy days of blog posting. Please let me know if anyone actually read all of the posts... I would love to know who my avid readers really are! But anyways, I really wanted to leave some stories and background for those who have been a part of my life journey and were curious to know. I did not tell every single story, but I am sure many more will come out as I continue to reflect on this life-changing experience. For anyone who is curious about anything I have written, please leave a comment or shoot me an email at julias.nicole@gmail.com. I would really love to hear from you!

         So my last night in Suli was spent packing and a little crying. I cried because I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to leave that place where I felt at home. I didn't want to think about the possibility that I might never see it again. However I got through the next morning's closing worship and was taken to the airport to fly back to Istanbul for the night before flying back to the US the next day. I hated that night in Istanbul. I really wanted to enjoy exploring a new city full of history, but all I wanted to do was get out. I felt so empty after leaving Iraq and could not wait to leave the touristy area of Istanbul and just be home. 

         The flight back was really good for me. I was a mess when I boarded and even just reading back through my journal from the plane ride, you can tell the ups and downs of my emotions. I wrote near the beginning of the flight, "Honestly, I am scared to be back. I feel so different and I have no desire to be back. I don't know how to interact with people or what to say when people ask about my trip. Right now I just want to cry when I think about it. But this could also be my tiredness acting."

          But by the end of the flight I was feeling much better. My ending words from my journal sum up a lot of how I am feeling now as I work on processing and beginning to tell my story.

"Now is not the time to go into depression because I miss Iraq and heard a lot of heavy things. I need to look at the positive.... I learned so much and met some amazing people. I was entrusted with sacred stories and I now get to share theses with others. I learned more about myself and the world. I saw the best of humanity and am changed because of it. I need to keep focusing on the positive and like the mullah, I need to be at peace with myself and my actions and always be looking for the blessings of life."

Last full day in Iraqi Kurdistan

          The next morning it was my turn to lead the morning worship. During the trip, everyone got a chance to lead worship and everyone chose a different way to do so. I began mine by reading my blog post from a year ago. I had been in Europe and had been in a really bad place back then, deep in the midst of depression. My mom had sent me a prayer titled Gentle My Desperation that I posted on my blog (http://julia-exploringtheinfiniteabyss.blogspot.com/2011/10/gentle-my-desperation.html). I read this post and prayer to my delegation and asked them how they respond when they see the world at its worst. Others shared about their own feelings and how they too questioned where was God. It was in the midst of our shared brokenness, that I saw hope and I saw God. God was there in the midst of pain. God was there in our togetherness. God was there.
         The rest of the morning and early afternoon (with the exception of another meeting) was spent working on the press release. I posted this press release on my blog a couple of weeks ago. However, I did not say all the work that went into it. I wrote the release myself after input with several other delegates. We then as a group went through the release paragraph by paragraph to agree on the final wording and ideas. I have to admit that it was tough to handle the criticism of my work, but it was also very rewarding to come up together with a statement that the entire group could stand by.
         The meeting we had was with a women's activist. She presented us with a lot of information about FGM (female genital mutilation) as well as honor killings and the shelters set up in Kurdistan to help women. She gave us a lot of information, and in some later blog post, I hope to say more about the subject, especially since getting back I have had to read a book for my History of Middle East class on the subject of women in the Middle East. The meeting left me somewhat depressed for I had never realized the severity of the situation and exactly what was happening in that area to women because of long-held traditions. However, the woman we met with was a breath of fresh air as we heard her passion to help women and working hard to make Kurdistan a better place.
         In the afternoon, we went to the Culture Cafe in Suli for our press conference. I read the statement with a translator, then others in the group answered the press' question. Oh, we also ended with a song translated to English, as "Grant us peace." After the press conference I went with three other delegates back to the baazar. I loved this shopping trip! I bought scarves, spices, a teapot, and small gifts fro friends. On the taxi ride back we sang "I'm a little teapot" to the taxi drive. We were just being crazy and it felt so good. We then got into my friend Kanar's Mustang, put the top down and drove around Sulaimani in the dark singing Celine Dion. It was the perfect ending to a great trip. 

The Hardest Day (Part 2)

          The day continued after lunch by visiting a local museum in Suli. This was not a normal museum, but an old prison where Saddam Hussein had dissenters tortured and raped. The prison opened in 1986 and closed in 1991. I have never been to the Holocaust museum or visited a concentration camp, but I think the experience would have been similar. As we walked around the different rooms of the prison, our tour guide explained a little of how the prisoners were treated. What was even more powerful was a man who came up and had the tour guide translate how he had been held in the prison. It was really hard to be in that space. It was hard to see the holes in the wall where prisoners had their hands nailed. It was hard seeing the blood stains. It was hard seeing the man show others of how crowded the prison was. It was hard hearing the stories of women being raped.
          At the end of the tour we entered an exhibit of a long room covered with small pieces of mirror and tiny white lights. Each piece of mirror represented one Kurd killed during Saddam Hussein's reign. Each light represented one Kurdish village destroyed. I don't remember the exact numbers, but the room seemed to go on forever. There were hundreds of thousands of pieces of glass and at least four thousand lights. After the official tour we went as a group to a basement room where there was a separate exhibit showing pictures from Halabja, the city in Eastern Iraq where Saddam had used a chemical attack to kill 4000-5000 civilians, most women and children. For more information on the Kurdish genocide visit http://wn.com/the_anfal_museum/biography.
          We met as a group to try to process what we had just witnessed at a nearby park. I am struggling to find the words to describe how I was affected. After experiencing something like that, words are hard to come by. I kept just replaying the line to my favorite Mumford and Sons song in my head... "Give me hope in the darkness that we will see a light. Because oh they gave me such a fright. But I will hold on as long as you like, just promise me we'll be alright."
          The day was long from being over, though. We next spent hour at the downtown Baazar before getting in taxis to meet go to the homes of the families of those killed in the demonstrations. The following is my journal excerpt about the experience.
       
          "One family (mother, father and two young girls) drove almost an hour to be with us. They met us at the house of another family's (father). Those two killed had been ages 11 and 6 months and thirteen. Hearing their stories and seeing their tears was really hard. I began to tear up and it was all I could do not to break down crying. And they were so glad that we wanted to hear their story and be willing to tell others. They even invited us to dinner. I felt so humble and unworthy. The mom of the youngest son told us of her desire to leave Kurdistan because the government does not care about her son's death and trying them to be quiet. The government has been trying to work out a private negotiation instead of acknowledging their part in his death. The families are refusing these private negotiations and working towards legal justice even though they might need the money and it is dangerous to speak out against the government. The mother was scared that they would kidnap their daughter in exchange for their silence.  The second house we visited, the victim had been 28 and working to build a home for himself and his fiance. After his death his mother went crazy for three months. Their house is full of pictures of him and they live in mourning everyday. I felt so bad for the other sons (one of which looked around my age).; not only did they have to deal with their brother's death and their own grief, but it seemed they now permanently live in their parent's grief. The parents told us that they can't move on and think about their son all the time.  In the car afterward, I prayed, truly prayed for the son around my age. I prayed that he would be able to find life after his brother's death and find joy in life despite all that has happened."

I have not lost someone close to me and I have no idea what it is like to lose a child. But just remembering the parent's tears brings me to tears. It also brings questions... Where was God? Where was God when that eleven year old boy ended up at the demonstration? Where was God when Saddam Hussein began his genocide against the Kurdish people? 

Where, oh where was God?

The Hardest Day (Part 1)

          The last Sunday of my trip was the hardest day I experienced on the trip. The entire day was full of meetings and experiences that ripped a hole through my heart. Even now, weeks later, I can still feel the intensity of that day and I am only beginning to realize the impact it will have on the rest of my life. On that day I saw the worst of what humanity can be. But more importantly I saw the hope that exists within a broken community and within the Kurds who have devoted their lives for the cause of peace.
          In the morning a local mullah (Islamic leader) came to tell us about the Arab Spring demonstration that occurred in early 2011. He explained to us how the KRG (Kurdish Regional Government) has the same system as is familiar all around the Middle East. The government claims to be a democracy, but during the elections there were many pressures against the people and the government is extremely unjust. And so the people began to protest.
          The mullah told us how he believes the Islamic faith calls for an end in oppression and his role is to advise others to speak out against oppressions and encourage people to not use violence. He wants Muslims to be the best human beings they can. He believes that Muslims must not harass non-Muslims, other religions or secularists, but work against all oppressions. This is the reason why he joined the demonstrations to speak out against the government and call for a jihad of peace. He wanted to help the Kurdish people peacefully encourage the authorities to have better government. And the protests were for the most part very peaceful. Guns are very prevalent in Iraq, but at no point did the people use any weapons other than stones against the authorities.
          However, the authorities then used weapons to end the demonstrations. More than 47 people were injured and 10 died in the region. Hundreds were arrested including the mullah. In his case, he as first attacked in his house, kidnapped, and tortured for two days before being released. He was then arrested legally and tried for acts of terrorism. Under this sentence, he faced anywhere from fifteen years in prison to execution. However, they eventually listened to his speeches and found out that he never encouraged anyone to use violence.
          The demonstrations ended after a few months because the people wanted an end to the killings. However, the oppression and injustice from the government has continued. The amazing part of this story is that the mullah did not focus on the bad... he did not seem angry that nothing changed or that he was tortured and tried for acts of terrorism by the government. Instead, he told us of the good that came out of the demonstrations. He told us how the people have so much more respect now for religion and the role it played in the demonstrations. He told us how the religious and secularists worked together and have formed good relationships with each other.
           The mullah told us that he believes at some point the people will speak up again. And when they do, he is ready to suffer to help his people. He hopes that the next demonstrations will be more peaceful, but if they are not, he is ready to die. I was blown away by his faith and commitment to nonviolence. He showed me more of what it means to live an authentic life than anyone else I have ever met. Through his words and actions, even though he is Muslim, he showed me how to live as Christ. 

Sulaimani and Hawler

          Sulaimani is the city where CPT is headquartered and we stayed in the CPT house for the rest of our time in Kurdistan. I wrote in my journal that first night, "It is weird being in a city. I have to admit that there is a huge part of me that already misses the villages and the mountains. You can see the mountains but it is not the same. However, as one of my fellow delegates pointed out, I could just as easily fall in love with the city." This turned out to be true. Even though Sulaimani looks so different from the rural villages we came from, the hospitality of everyone I met was the same.
          Our first full day in the city was relatively uneventful. The morning was free time, which I spent catching up on my journaling and checking my email. In the afternoon we had a long debrief about the first part of our trip. Then a long time friend and colleague of CPT came to talk about the current political situation in the city/country. We learned about the demonstrations that took place last year during the Arab Spring. We also learned of some of the actions the CPT team has taken. That evening we went to dinner at Kanar's (the delegate actually from Sulaimani). Her house was absolutely gorgeous and the food AMAZING! It was such a great time relaxing with the delegation and enjoying one of the last days in Kurdistan.
          The next day we got up at 5am in order to leave for Hawler by 5:30. I slept the first hour then we stopped for breakfast. It was extremely interesting because we drove through Kirkuk, which is only partly in Kurdistan. The security check point after Kirkuk was difficult because they were worried about letting in terrorists (Kirkuk has a lot of car bombings... 11 people died there only two days after we drove through). I do not believe I have mentioned the check points. All across the KRG region of Iraq are check points that we have to pass through. A lot the driver would just say something to the soldier and we would go on. A lot of the check points knew the CPT team and it was no problem to get where we wanted to go. Although the check points are not nearly as intense as I have heard they are in Israel/Palestine, they served as a reminder that I was not in Colorado, but an area that has seen a lot of conflict and government tries maintain a lot of control.
          Right before we got to Hawler, we found out that the Archbishop whom we were driving there to meet had only scheduled us for a half hour and since we were late, we were not able to meet with him. Instead, we met with the MCC representative for Iraq and learned about MCC's work in Kurdistan as well as the minority groups that live there. The afternoon was spent in the city center where we had the best falafel of my life (no joke) and then explored the citadel, which is claimed to be the oldest continuously inhabited town in the world. I loved this part of the trip and exploring the thousand of years of history and climbing around! I was right in my element!! We then drove back to Suli that night for dinner. 

Mountain villages

          Although I truly loved my time in the villages of Kurdistan, we heard some pretty hard stories. The afternoon before we spent the night at Kani Spi we visited a cemetery in the Barzan region. During Saddam Hussein's reign 5000-6000 men from the region were taken to the south, tortured, then murdered and put into mass graves. It is my understanding that only in the past couple of years they have brought the bodies back and created the cemetery we visited. My group had a worship session at the cemetery, which was really powerful.
          During our time in Kani Spi we learned how they fear attacks from Iran and especially Turkey. Iran and Turkey in the last twenty years have been bombing the border villages on a semi-regular basis. We would learn more about this situation as we visited a mayor in another region on the border of both Turkey and Iran, and visiting a school in Sunneh, near Iran. Kani Spi actually lies within three miles of the Iranian border and we could clearly see three Iranian military bases on the mountains overlooking the bases. Kani Spi also lies near a mine field that was planted during the Iraq-Iran war. Many people in the village have been killed as well as severely injured because of mines. We were warned to not go wandering too far from the road because of the danger of land mines.
         The mayor we met with was very excited to have an international delegation come visit and learn about the situation. He had invited the press to come and indeed there were a lot of men with cameras to record our time with the mayor, as well to a camp the local government had set up for internally displaced people. Last summer a lot of villages had been displaced to the camp and had to put up with some bad conditions as winter set in. However, now they have built new trailers that are really nice. This summer there were no bombings, so luckily the new camp has not been used. We can only pray that it will stay this way! But bombings are still a problem, especially from Turkey. A few days before we got there, one village in this region had its water supply bombed. The meeting with the mayor was really informative and our quickly put-together press conference went well. We made the news all over Kurdistan! Here is a link to one of the news stories...it is in Kurdish but still exciting. http://www.kurdistantv.net/default1.aspx?page=articles&c=news&id=94605
          That night we stayed at a cultural center in the city of Rania. It was a nice place to stay and got to talk with some of the workers of the center, one who has visited EMU before! The next day we headed to the village of Sunneh, where we visited a school. We first met with the principle and teachers who told us of how the school operated even after severe bombings and shellings from Iran and the the entire village went to an internally displaced people's camp where the conditions were terrible! The story of the village and amazing people and teachers was incredible to hear. The town has been shelled so often although thankfully not this year. We then went to one of the villager's house for a great lunch and to hear his story. We got to go on his roof and see the places where shells had hit. After seeing his field we went back to the school and interacted with the children. This was a highlight of the trip! They were all so cute and we had fun singing songs and being silly with them. I would really encourage everyone to watch CPT's video about the village at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sf5paHI-U_E We then drove back to Rania for a short concert by some students at the cultural center before heading to Sulaimani.