Saying Goodbye to Osijek

          On Wednesday night, the seminary here where I have been working, had a going away party for me. We ate pizza and an American cake (my parents brought a funfetti cake mix when they visited), hung out, and then I was asked many questions about my time here in Osijek. I had to name my favorite memories, my impressions of Eastern Europe as an American, funny stories, and how God has worked in my life here. After some people shared their impressions about me, I had to say what I would remember about everyone there. This was a good way to reflect on the past eight months with the people who have become my family here in Croatia. After this time of reflection, we played some games to end the night.
          Today I went out for coffee with some of my CouchSurfing friends. It was the perfect summer day as we sat outside at a cafe, sipping coffee, and just talking for three hours. It was nice and just felt so normal. And I realized how soon these times will be over. I leave Osijek in one week. One week. Goodbyes have started and I don't like them. It is so strange how when I came, I hated Osijek. I felt trapped in this city and was so lonely. And now, I don't want to leave. Things are not perfect, but I finally feel that I have found my place here. I found friends I love and the city itself has changed in my eyes. As the weather became warm, cafes spilled out onto every sidewalk. The river walk became full of people riding bikes, rollarblading, and just strolling. Ice cream can be seen everywhere (and Croatian ice cream is so much better than American ice cream!). I love it. I went through a really hard time and now I am on the other side, but soon I have to say goodbye.
          And so I am trying to fill my last week with everything I love about Osijek. I will go swimming in the Drava for the first time tomorrow. I plan to ride my bike every night this week. I want to go out for coffee and ice cream with friends. I will get another haircut, since it is quite cheap here in Osijek. And I will just spend time with those I have made relationships with. But I am struggling with how to make this goodbye meaningful. This is the end to a chapter of my life and I want to do it right. Are there ways that have been significant to you, my readers, in which you have said goodbye? Is there a good way to say goodbye to a place in which you have grown and changed? Is there a good way to say goodbye to people who have become a part of your life?

And it won't be goodbye forever. I will come back to Osijek. I can promise you that.

To end this blog post, I want to share a funny story that occurred during my time here. An older volunteer in the library was helping me with my Croatian a few months ago. I was reading a Croatian book and translating it into English. There was a sentence about a man who was traveling with his family from the city of Split to Dubrovnik (two cities on the Croatian coast). The sentence read that they were traveling by "brod," the Croatian word for ship. However, I forgot what "brod"meant. The older volunteer translated it for me, saying ship. But he pronounced ship as "sheep" because in Croatian, the vowel i makes the sound ee. I was so confused. I was imagining this family on a herd of sheep traveling down the coast. I said that this could not be right. Brod did not mean sheep. And so I looked up the word in a dictionary. I then realized that he had just mispronounced it. I laughed to myself, but I did not want to correct him out loud. Later, though, as I told the story to some friends, I had a nice long laugh.
          

"The world is my home"

          I just attended an extremely interesting presentation of a guy who spent one thousand days traveling the world on a budget of one thousand euros. He had many adventures to tell and wrote a book about his experience. Although it is currently only in Croatian (he is from Zagreb), he is releasing an English version soon. I am putting in a plug here because he seemed to be a really great guy with some awesome adventures to tell. So visit his website, http://www.1000daysofsummer.com, and buy his book when it comes out. (Or if you know Croatian, you could get a copy now). One thing that really intrigued me was that he said the world was his home for the last three years.
          That is who I have always imagined myself to be; a girl who can feel at home wherever she travels. I love traveling and I love meeting new people. I like to break down stereotypes and learn about new cultures. This is the reason that I came to Croatia. However, as much as I love these things, I realize that I don't feel at home in all places. Even here in Osijek, where I have put in so much effort to make it my own place, I don't feel at home. Even at EMU, where I was so comfortable, I never felt really connected to the place. I was connected to the people and I was so happy where I was, but I never became connected to the actual place. As much as I loved Harrisonburg, and as much as I love Osijek, I don't see a future in either of these places.
          As I expressed recently about my need for community in my life, I also long for a connection to a place. I long to feel at home and to be rooted. People often talk about needing wings to fly and roots to keep you grounded. I definitely have found my wings. I love adventure and I have learned to take risks and set out on my own. But so far, my roots have been to people. As I have been here in Croatia, it has been really hard because my roots, my people, were back in the United States. I tried to put roots here, but I was not able to do so. I found people, really, really great people, but I did not find a place to put roots.
          I realize that as much as I want to be someone who can just travel the world and be perfectly happy for one thousand days, I am not. I admire Tom (the guy whose presentation I went to) and others who live such lives, but this life is not for me. I long for roots to stable me so I am able to fly. I will keep traveling, because honestly, I am addicted. But I don't think that I will live internationally by myself again. If I am going to live internationally, I need either a community (or person) in which I can place roots, or a place to which I am deeply connected.
          Osijek is not this place. Harrisonburg is not this place. As I have mentioned before in my blog, the only places I have ever truly felt connected to were Colorado and Iraq. I have no plans to move to either one anytime soon, but I feel that my journey in those places is not done. Colorado has been there for me my whole life and in three short weeks, Iraq also grew a place in my heart. I can only wonder where I will actually end up... Will I end up in Iraq or Colorado, satisfied in a place that feels like home, or will my roots remain only with people? Or will there be a perfect fit; will I find somewhere where I plant my roots deeply in a community and a place? 

Soccer, Saint Days, and Hedgehogs

            For those who don’t keep up with important world news, Croatia played Brazil in the opening game of the World Cup on Thursday. I did not grow up in a soccer family and honestly do not know much about the sport or keep up with things such as the World Cup. And in the United States, it is fine. I might see some results on facebook, but for the most part, there is no much evidence that such an event is even happening. It is NOT like that here in Croatia. For the past month, every store has been selling Croatian jerseys, t-shirts, mugs, horns, thundersticks, ect. Cars all of a sudden are decked out with the red and white checkered pattern of the national team and flags can be seen everywhere.

            Then on Thursday, the real excitement began. Every café (of which there are hundreds in this city) brought out their TV’s or set up a large projector in the street. The three different squares of the town also set up their own screens so people could come out and watch the game together. Even though the game didn’t start until 10pm, you could hear loud music all over town with horns honking and people singing. I decided that I would watch the first half with strangers in the main square. I wanted to observe all the festivities as I rode my bike the fifteen minutes from my dorm to downtown.

            At the main square, a live band was playing Croatian music before the start of the game. People were gathered, all wearing red, white, and blue, drinking beer and laughing with friends. Even those who didn’t believe Croatia would win (we were playing the home team) was caught up in the atmosphere and singing along to the national anthem. And then when Croatia scored the first goal, chaos erupted. The whole crowd was jumping and yelling. Fire crackers were set off and the police just stood there smiling. For a moment, the whole country was together, celebrating.

The rest of game didn’t go so well. I watched the rest in my dorm, which was not nearly as full of excitement. But the referee (is that what they are called in soccer?) made some terrible calls against Croatia, which cost us the game. Even non-Croatians agree the calls were bad. But then again, Brazil did hold procession for most of the game, so they might have won anyway. The next game Croatia plays Cameroon, so hopefully that will go better. I am just excited to people watch again and be a part of all the festivities.

And then yesterday was the saint day of Saint Anthony, who is the patron saint of children and the saint of one of the Catholic churches in the old city of Osijek. (Once again, I am not sure the validity of this information… I am not Catholic and this information was roughly translated to me.) To celebrate, a huge festival was set up.  It felt like a county fair in the United States, with cotton candy and carnival rides. Booths were set up selling goods and the streets were crowded. The only part that had to do with the Saint was going to the church to receive lilies, the symbol of Saint Anthony. I had a great time with one of my good friends from the library. And afterward we got to hang out a bit and I experienced a little bit more of Croatian hospitality.

On my way home last night, I happened across a hedgehog on the side of the bike path. This was my second sighting in  a week and the second sighting of my life. Although he was terrified of me, he didn’t run away as I stopped, took pictures and petted him. Hedgehogs really are prickly! And cute! Too bad they are not nearly as common in the United States, at least where I have lived. All in all, it has been a pretty fantastic last couple of days. 

What Can I Believe?

What Can I Believe?

By Ted Loder

O God, I am so fragile:

            My dreams get broken,

            My relationships get broken,

            My heart gets broken,

            My body gets broken.

What can I believe,

            Except that you will not despise a broken heart,

            That old and broken people shall yet dream dreams,

            And that the lame shall leap for joy,

                        The blind see,

                                    The deaf hear.

What can I believe,

            Except what Jesus taught:

            That only what is first broken, like bread,

                        Can be shared;

            That only what is broken

                        Is open to your entry;

            That old wineskins must be ripped open and replaced

                        If the wine of new life is to expand.

So, I believe, Lord;

Help my unbelief

            That I may have courage to keep trying

                        When I am tired,

            And to keep wanting passionately

                        When I am found wanting.

O God, I am so frail:

            My life spins like a top,

                        Bounced about by the clumsy hands

                                    Of demands beyond my doing,

            Fanned by furies

                        At a pace but half a step from hysteria,

                                    So much to do,

                                                My days so few and fast-spent,

                                                            And I mostly unable to recall

                                                                        What I am rushing after.

What can I believe,

            Except that beyond the limits

                        Of my little prayers and careful creeds,

            I am not meant for dust and darkness,

                        But for dancing life and silver starlight.

Help my unbelief

            That I may have courage

                        To dare to love the enemies

                                    I have the integrity to make;

                        To care for little else

                                    Save my brothers and sisters of the human family;

                        To take time to be truly with them,

                                    Take time to see,

                                                Take time to speak,

                                                            Take time to learn with them                                   

                                                                        Before time takes us;

            And to fear failure and death less

                        Than the faithlessness

Of not embracing love’s risks.

God, I am so frantic:

            Somehow I’ve lost my gentleness

                        In a flood of ambition,

            Lost my sense of wonder

                        In a maze of videos and computers,

            Lost my integrity

                        In a shuffle of commercial disguises,

            Lost my gratitude

                        In a swarm of criticisms and complaints,

            Lost my innocence

                        In a sea of betrayals and compromises.

What can I believe,

            Except that the touch of your mercy

                        Will ease the anguish of my memory;

            That the tug of your spirit

                        Will empower me to help carry now the burdens

                                    I have loaded on the lives of others;

            That the example of Jesus

                        Will inspire me to find again my humanity.

So, I believe, Lord;

Help my unbelief

            That I may have courage

                        To cut free from what I have been

            And to gamble on what I can be,

                        And on what you

                                    Might laughingly do

                                                With trembling me

                                                            For your incredible world. 

Struggling and Failing

          I can't sleep right now, so I have taken the time to read through some of my old blogs. I look at the choices I have made in the last year and how I have portrayed myself. This is not a journal and since it is public, I obviously do not write about all the ugly parts of myself. But I have still tried to be honest and tried to write about how I struggle in this journey called life. And I am going through a time now when I am really struggling. I struggle with knowing who I really am and who I am called to be. I struggle to make the right decisions and how to approach life when life seems rather bleak.
          Sometimes I wonder if life just repeats itself. Looking back on this blog, I remember the times when I was really low. And then I can see how I pulled myself up (with the help of lots of amazing people who are always there to support me) and regained my confidence. I would write about what I learned. But then here I am again. It amazes me how complicated life is... how there seem to be an infinite amount of things to learn. And how we have to make mistakes to learn.
          One thing I am very afraid of and always have been is failure. I am so scared to do the wrong thing and often I don't take chances because I don't want to fail. And sometimes I do take chances and fall hard. And I learn, but I tell myself how hard it was to fall and that I never want to go there again. But it is often through the hardest times that we learn the most. I hate that this is true, but it is. I am human and thus sometimes I fall down really hard. I make mistakes and say (or write) the wrong thing. And in those moments, I am scared that the failure is my true self. I am scared that others will see this side of me and think that that is all there is. I start to believe that that is all there is.
          But it isn't. I believe that there is beauty in all people. We are created in God's image, after all. And even when we are at our worst, there is always hope we can be better. When we mess up, we can always rebuild ourselves. And the ugliness is mixed in with the beauty. And that is what makes life so complicated, terrible, wonderful, and amazing. All of are full of beauty and ugliness, but I believe it is our job to look for the beauty, in others and in ourselves. We need to accept our mistakes and learn from them, while still knowing that we might fall down again.
          And so tonight, as I struggle, I am seeking the beauty. I am admitting the ugly parts of me while remembering the good. I will not let myself down into the depths of despair, but will look for love. And I will get back up again. I am reminded of a quote from one of my favorite movies, Elizabethtown; "So you failed. Alright you really failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You think I care about that? I do understand. You wanna be really great? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you're still smiling."

Seven Months of Learning

       Seven months. I have now lived in Croatia seven months. And what a seven months they have been. Recently, I have been reflecting a lot on my time here. I have thought about all I have learned and my purpose here in this country. I feel so blessed to have the experience and even through the hard times, I don't regret coming here at all. I would like to use this post to share some of things that I have learned about myself.

1) I am made for community and building relationships with people. One of the hardest things about being here has been a lack of community. I am no longer surrounded by like-minded Mennonites who know me and love me completely. I have had to go way out of my comfort zone and be able to trust people who I don't have a common history/culture with. And in doing so, I have built some significant relationships. By trusting myself with people different than myself, I have become more open to different ideas and I am better able to empathize with people and see different view points without judging. I always thought I was open-minded before, but really I was only open to ideas similar to mine. And now, I feel like I can talk and become friends with people with whom I disagree with. I know how to find similarities and see the goodness in all people. My friend group here is so diverse from Evangelical Pentecostals to atheists, from Croatian teenagers to retired Texans. And I can honestly say I love them all! But even as I have made some significant relationships and I love the diversity of friends, I have not built a community here. I have had to rely on my community back in the United States, which has been so hard to do. I realize I need a physical community and I am unsure of how to find this here in Croatia.

2) I have learned a lot about libraries. I used to believe I knew libraries pretty well; I spent many an hour studying in EMU’s library and could always find the books I needed. But now, I understand the dewey decimal system. I understand the computer systems and how to put a new book into a system and then be able to easily find that book later when you are looking for it. I know how to run circulation, as well as shelf. And I am good at it. I have somehow become the expert in the library here and my coworkers will often come ask me how to best catalogue a book. This past two weeks, there was a group from Cedarville University in Ohio. It was my job to train them on how to process books. It was weird to have them come ask me advice when I know that they actually want to become librarians, while it is just an accident that I found this position and learned these skills.

(Also, I just want to give a quick shout-out to my Cedarville friends. You guys are really great and I feel so blessed by your friendship!)

3) I have learned how to be on my own. This has been a big one for me and one that I haven't really liked. Figuring out a new place by yourself can be really hard. Coming here, I had to do much on my own. Yes, people helped me out, but I had to take the initiative to ask for help. I had to find a way to meet people (such as couch surfing), then be willing to initiate facebook posts to actually hang out. Purchasing my bicycle was a big day for me as I had to figure out how to get to the market, then talk in both Croatian and English to find a bike I was satisfied with. It felt so great to do all of that by myself and feel like I can survive on my own. I have figured out that running and biking are two good things to do by myself. I found an art store to buy supplies and spend time painting. I have my own room and it is up to me to clean up if I don't want to live in a mess. I am in charge of my breakfasts and dinners and if I don't go to the grocery store, I won't eat. Although these skills of independence have been really good, they have also made me realize my deep need for community.

Take my bike for example. I was so proud of myself of finding a good deal and independently purchasing a bicycle. However, since the purchase of the bicycle, my front light has fallen off my bike, my bell has fallen off my bike, some of my gears stopped working, my seat will not stay in place, and it will make some clanking noises. It would have been helpful to have someone who knows about bikes come with me. And in the times when I feel really low, it would be nice to have someone to hold me when I cry. I am able to tell some of my woes to my tutor and other friends, but even then, I don't feel like I can truly let go like I can with my community back home. So I find myself holding it in or calling home.

4) Speaking positively about my bike, I have learned that bikes for commuting are amazing! I feel so much more freedom with my bike! I can now get anywhere in town in less than twenty minutes! I love being able to go to my tutor's house for lessons, as well grocery shop at bigger stores. Having a basket is a must and it is so great to see the bike lanes around town (Osijek has the most bike lanes in the country) full of people going about their lives. It has also been a way for me to escape town. The other Sunday, I rode over fifty kilometers! First, I went by myself along the Drava in the morning, then I ventured to a nearby national park with some friends! It was so great to get out and be in nature again. Whenever I return to the United States, I want to start biking more and using my bike as a means of transportation instead of just exercise. I have always dreamed about living in a city and now my dreams include a nice bike I take to work everyday. My dream of someday biking across the United States has also been awakened.

5) Traveling! I now consider myself an expert at planning and going on trips. I can find good finds for hostels as well as apartments to rent. I know how to pack my backpack most effectively and how to make the most out of my time. My parents are now saying their trip here was one of the best they have ever been on! And I have such great memories of the places I have been and all the people I have met. It has been such a job being able to see new places and meet new people. I have discovered that every place has something to offer, even little towns such as Osijek. I want to take this with me, wherever I go. Even little towns in Ohio have things to offer if you are looking. If anyone needs help planning a trip, let me know! I am more than happy to help!

6) I now know a lot more about the Croatian language and culture. I still struggle learning Croatian. It is such a hard language and with so many people able and wanting to speak in English, I have found it hard to be motivated to learn. But I am learning. I loved having my parents here and being able to order in Croatian and talk to our hosts in Croatian. I have made progress and that feels good. I also know a lot of Croatians and am learning so much about how the culture is really different than the United States. A lot of these differences are hard to name out loud. But as I have recently spent time around other Americans, I can really tell the difference and in many ways I feel like an honorary Croatian because I understand a lot better now of how they think and the culture they come from. And even though it is still easier for me to work with Americans and be myself around Americans (because it is my culture and being in your own culture is almost always easier) I find myself comfortable around Croatians. More so than other countries I visit, where I haven't lived and I don't know the people. Some aspects of Croatian life can frustrate me, but on the whole, I have come to respect and even love the culture here. And that includes the language.


This post is becoming very long, so I will stop here for now. As you can probably tell, life here has not been easy for me lately. But when is life ever easy and always going your way? People from home will ask me how it is to live in Croatia and I always answer that it has its ups and downs just like life in America. You just have to cope and do what's best for you. That's life and I am learning how to navigate it to the best of my ability. 

The last few weeks

I am so sorry for not writing in a very long time. I started a post a while ago and never finished and then I was traveling. It was all very good and in case you are wondering, I am doing really well. I cannot believe that I only have six more weeks left in Osijek! A year ago I graduated college, six months ago I moved to Croatia, and soon I will begin the next phase of my journey of finally beginning my official BVS project. But until then, I still have many more adventures here in and around Osijek.

But let me catch you up. A few weeks ago I was so excited to have my dear friend from college, Lisle Bertsche, come visit me! Lisle made the flight over to Europe for ten days to see her sister, who is studying in Vienna, and me. Since we did not have too much time, we met in Zagreb, halfway between Vienna and Osijek, and spent three and half perfect days together. Truly perfect. For me, it was so nice to have one of my closest friends come just to spend time and see a bit of the place in which I will call home. We got to explore Zagreb, as well as make a day trip to Ljubljana, the capital of Slovenia. We talked, we walked, we ate good food, we drank a lot of coffee, and just immensely enjoyed each other’s company. I loved every bit of it.

Not only was it great to spend time together, we also met some pretty cool people. We stayed at Hostel Mali Mrak Zagreb, which was a fifteen minute tram ride from the center of town. The hostel was awesome! The owner, Igor, was so friendly and unlike other hostels where I have stayed, we got to know him as he is often out in the garden hanging out with guests in the mornings and evenings. We also made friends with other travelers: fellow Americans currently studying abroad in Italy, to a great European man riding his bike from his home in Cologne, Germany all the way to Greece! I loved the wide range of conversations from college RAs to the Kurdish situation in Turkey. We also met some great Croatian girls whom I hope I will become good friends with once I move to Zagreb (well near Zagreb, technically it is Sesvete) in June.

Only a week and a half after Lisle left, I went again to Zagreb, but this time to meet up with my parents! I traveled by train on Easter and spent the night in a hostel (once again meeting some cool people and having some fascinating conversations) before meeting them at the airport the next morning. After lunch and settling into our apartment, we ventured up to the main square and went around in the rain. The next day we went to a castle about an hour away and then the cute Croatian city of Varaždin. We had dinner at a nice, traditional restaurant near Zagreb’s main square. The next day we went to the town of Rovinj in Istria, Croatian’s northern coast. Rovinj was absolutely adorable with tiny cobblestone streets and Italian written everywhere along with the Croatian (it used to be a part of the Venetian empire). The next day we also made a trip to Pula, to visit on old Roman amphitheater.

After Rovinj, we drove eight hours down the coast to get to Croatia’s most touristic town, “the pearl of the Adriatic,” Dubrovnik. Dubrovnik is an amazing old city with complete city walls. It sees 800 cruise ships a year and for any Game of Thrones fans, it is the location of King’s Landing in seasons 2 and 3. It rained most of the day when we climbed the city walls and we got soaked to the bone. But it was well worth it! Truly a must-see place in the world! We then drove back up, stopping for a few hours in Split, then to Croatia’s biggest and best National Park: Plitvice. Plitvitce has hundreds of waterfalls and is truly amazing. I have never seen anything like it in my life! (I had been there with Cara in December, but half the park was closed then, so it was good to see it again). Finally we made it back Osijek. It was so fun showing my parents my town and introducing them to some of my friends.