From Goshen to Quito!

          Like usual, I have been meaning to write for a long time. I especially hoped to write last week to process some of the great things that have happened before I left for my next adventure. Alas, here I am writing from Quito, Ecuador. So let me quickly write about the last two weeks before I reflect on my first impressions of this beautiful city.

          Many things happened in the last few weeks. First, I made a new friend in Goshen. This was an unexpected friendship and one that became very deep very quickly. With this friend, I have been able to be vulnerable but still wholly accepted and I think I was able to do the same for them. These are the types of relationships that give me energy and confidence. Because of these deep conversations, I can live more fully into who I want to be. Even though this friend moving away, I am really thankful for the time we had together and the chance to get to know someone on a deeper level.  

          Last weekend was also amazing as my dear friend from college, Rachel, flew in. I picked her up from Chicago last Thursday and brought her back to Goshen. I introduced her to my friends and on Friday I took her to class and the we went to all the best spots in Goshen. I loved showing her my new home and it made me more excited about Goshen itself. Saturday we headed into Chicago where we met up with our friend Anna. It was Anna's birthday so we went out to eat (at an amazing vegan restaurant) and hung out. Sunday we got up extremely early to go downtown to run the half marathon. It was an amazing race! I finished eleven minutes faster than my last half and a lot faster than I had been training. Rachel also did amazing. After visiting the Bean (a Chicago landmark) we showered and then headed back downtown for deep dish pizza and a trip up the Sears tower. My legs were completely dead by the end of the day and my mind wasn't working great either. Monday morning we went out for brunch then shopping. We ended our time together drinking coffee and eaton an amazing cookie sitting outside talking and watching the world pass by. It was a golden moment.

          I returned to crazy paper writing to finish up the semester. I did not put in my best effort at the end, but I learned so much in my classes this semester and I think I did well with the balance between school, work, running, and socializing. In my last few days in the U.S. I worked quite a few hours, packed, and spent time with friends. Saturday night was also another perfect night as I went out to the new Goshen Brewing Company with a good friend. The weather was perfect, the beer was tasty, and company enjoyable. I realized how I have fallen in love with Goshen and as excited as I am to be in Ecuador, I am excited to return  to Indiana.

          But now, Ecuador! So my cousin Cara and I were talking over Christmas and realized that we both wanted to learn Spanish. We had already traveled together in Europe so we thought why not do another continent together. After much research and conversations, we decided on Ecuador. Mostly, the Spanish has an easy accent to understand and I really wanted to be in mountains. So here I am in the capital city of Quito! I flew from Chicago yesterday and Cara will join me tomorrow. So far, it has been excelante!! We are staying with a host mom who doesn't speak any English but is super kind and a great cook! I have been amazed at my ability to understand and speak as I haven't studied Spanish in six years and never learned it well. The house is really nice. There is another student staying here also and we all get our own bedrooms and bathrooms. We will eat breakfast and dinner here everyday and then find lunch somewhere by our school.

          It takes about 20-25 minutes to walk to school. I had my first classes today and I already love my teachers! I was by myself but Cara and I will be together when she arrrives. The plan for our two weeks in Quito is to have four hours of lessons in the morning, focusing mostly on grammar and then two hours in the afternoon where we walk around the city and work on conversation. Today was a lot of beginning conversation and trying to remember all the Spanish I have forgotten. For the afternoon, it began to rain a little so my teacher took me to where you can get amazing, fresh juice. It was possibly the best thing I have ever drunk! (I forget the name of the fruit... We don't have it in the U.S.) After resting at home, I went back to school for a lecture on the history of Ecuador. It was in Spanish, but very easy Spanish and extremely interesting. Then it was home for dinner and then homework. The school offers a different activity every night including cooking and dancing classes! I am so excited for everything. 

          Cara and I plan to be here in Quito two weeks, then one week in the city of Cuenca, and then a week on the coast, taking Spanish classes the whole time. So far, I love the country. The mountains are beautiful and the weather is perfect (jeans and cardigan weather... My favorite)! The city seems great so far and I really cannot wait to see more! I fear that these four weeks are going to fly by and I won't want to return.

The Joy of Running

          Today I want to write about something that has become a huge part of my life; running. You might remember that I trained and ran my first half marathon last spring. It was not great training and the half did not go really well, but I finished and it was quite an achievement. Even though during the race, I swore I would never run another half marathon again, I knew it wasn't true. I knew that I just needed to put in better training the next time. And I have. I will run my second half in another week. This time, I have tried really hard to stick to a training schedule and push myself to achieve goals. I ran 13.5 miles two weeks ago (the longest run of my life!) and it felt great. So why do I run? And why half marathons?
         First, I am not really a self-motivated person. I know myself well enough to know that I won't just go out and run if I am not training for something, at least not on a regular basis. By having the goal of a half marathon (one that I have paid a lot of money to run) I have something to work toward. Instead of paying money for a gym or a personal trainer, I pay money for a race and then put in the work needed to run. For training this time, I have included speed interval runs, tempo runs, cross-training, and even yoga! This has kept the schedule interesting as I always am doing something different. I like the variation, but I also like the schedule. Running has become the litany of my week.
         I have to admit, that I am still not fast. I still don't consider myself a runner at all. I still rarely get a runner's high. I am enjoying running more and more, but I don't run for the sake of running, or even the sake of being healthy. I like running for the benefits and perspective it gives me. One of the main benefits is confidence! I ran 13.5 miles the other week... without stopping! This is something I never dreamed I would be able to do, but here I am doing it! I really feel like I am accomplishing something. As a Mennonite, I try to be humble, but honestly, I am really proud of myself. I have been able to set a goal and keep to it to achieve the previously impossible. This feels really good and makes me believe that I can do other things I previously felt impossible. I feel more confident in myself in other parts of my life because what I have accomplished with my running.
          The other part that I love about running is the litany that has developed in my life. This litany has developed a new perspective in my life with habits that I love. First, by going out to run at least three times a week, I have been forced to take time out of my schedule to be. I can't study when I run and I can't work. I have accepted my time running as a gift, as a break from my busy schedule. This is time that I can breathe and reflect. Often I listen to podcasts or music, or sometimes I just make up stories in my head. And this time has become sacred. I don't feel guilty for not doing other things, but allow myself to be truly in the moment.
          This litany has also forced me to notice the outside world. During the winter when I was getting depressed and feeling stuck, I forced myself to go outside. And this made winter seem easier. Cold does not feel nearly as cold when you are running and being outside makes a world of difference when you feel stuck. I still hate winter and I did struggle with depression, but running helped me get through it. And by being aware of the outside world, I got to take in the first signs of spring. I don't think I ever have been more aware of the changing seasons before. The world is really a beautiful place and running has helped me recognize this. This spring, I have seen the leaves grow on the trees and animals come out. I have happened across turtles and ground hogs and now little goslings are out on the Mill Race, my favorite path. As I see this new life around me, I feel new life within me.
          I do feel healthier. Along with my whole-foods, plant-based diet, I am the most healthy I have ever been in my life. I feel like I am finally in charge of my body and thus my life. There are many reasons I am at a good place right now in my life, but I think that running has been a huge influence. I am excited to run the half marathon next week and even more excited to continue this habit of running. I hope that I can keep it up in the years ahead and that it will continue to provide me health, confidence, and intunement with myself and the world around me.

The Spiritual Journey as an Adventure

          I am at the point in the semester when I really do not have time for blogging. I really shouldn't have time for sleeping, eating, or socializing, but I am doing all of those, so why not blog? My mind has been so full of different thoughts. My trip out east was so meaningful and I am still mulling over conversations that I had there. On my drive home, I listened to several podcasts and then upon arriving home, I have dove back into my theological reading. I wish I had more time to process all this that is happening. But I do want to share a little of my current faith journey. Below are some quotes from the book What Would Jesus Deconstruct: The Good News of Post-modernism for the Church by John D. Caputo. I read this for my cultural hermeneutics class and saw my own journey in these words.

     "But a genuine adventure means venturing out into the unknown, where no one knows the way and we are not sure whose steps to follow... Are we not like people following an obscure clue, on the tracks, on the trail, in the trace of something-we-are-not-sure-what? Are those who write about spiritual journeys sometimes a little too assure about where they are going and how to get there? There are, after all, two ways to be on the way: the first, in which one knows the way and the task is to get there (which certainly can be hard enough), and the second, in which one must, like an explorer, find the way. In the latter and, I am inclined to think, more postmodern situation, one is always a little lost, where being lost and being on the way, far from excluding each other, mutually imply each other." Page 39.

For those who know me well, you know that I love adventure. I crave adventure. And so to speak of my spiritual journey as an adventure makes a lot of sense. This current adventure of mine here at seminary has been me feeling lost. I can't say why I am here. I can't tell you how I am going to use my degree or what use a theological education is. But perhaps, like the quote explains, being lost means that I am on my way. Where that is, I don't know, but right now I am very excited about the adventure.

     "We have a sense, a faith, a hope in something, a love of something we know not what, something that calls on us. The great dignity of being human lies in pursuing goals for which there is no guarantee of success and even, at a certain point, no hope of success. But being 'religious people,' by which I mean people who dream of things that have never been and ask 'why not?' we still pursue them." Page 49.
     "Real journeys are full of unexpected turns and twists, requiring a faith that can move mountains and a hope against hope, where one does not see what one was trying to do until the journey is completed." Page 52.

I think this describes beautifully the reason why I am here at seminary. I have this sense, this hope, this love of something that I cannot fully describe. Perhaps it is God? And perhaps I won't know until the journey is over.

          While visiting my friend Amy in DC, I went with her to a church service where her housemate Ian spoke. He delivered this beautiful sermon on "Where is God?" http://8th-day.org/sermons/where-god I encourage everyone to read the entire thing, but I want to use a quote from it here, because it seemed to just fit perfectly with Caputo's reading and my own faith journey.

     "Quite honestly, I do not have an answer the question I posed in this sermon.  Where is God?  I cannot always be sure.  My home church, First Unitarian Church of St Louis, used to have a banner out front that read, “The Search is the Answer.”  This feels right to me.  More than a clever, quotable statement of Unitarian Universalist theology, it is an ambitious truth.  Questions often leave us reeling in the dark.  To be present in the suffering of our search and to extend grace to ourselves throughout is quite a radical notion.  And to celebrate it seems just short of madness.  But what if we make that journey together?  We may not come from the same place or even arrive at the same answers, but maybe our connection along this road is the answer.  Maybe there we encounter a love subversive enough to claim divinity."  

I love that last line. This is the journey that I am on. It is a journey where there are not a lot of answers, but that is also the beauty of it. And I am not alone. The great thing about this journey is that I join a community of believers who do are not perfect but are on this adventure together and perhaps it is in the adventure, in the search, that we will encounter the divine.

Southern Air

          My heart is so full (in the best of ways) as I write this. I am currently in Washington DC, a stop on my Spring Break road trip. I have known that I needed to make this trip since I arrived back in the United States, but it was only now that I have been able to do it. I started Saturday night with a visit to Pittsburgh before traveling to Harrisonburg, VA, now in DC, tomorrow to Lancaster, and finally spending the weekend in Elmira, NY. So far I have spent quality time with ten different friends. It has been crazy, but so good. I have needed this trip in so many ways.
          The last couple of months have been hard. The last two years have been hard. I started two blog posts in the last month that I never finished about how I have been feeling depressed. How I feel like I am lost and I just don't quite know who I am in the world anymore. At EMU I was so sure and I was surrounded by people that knew me and loved me unconditionally. I missed people desperately, but even more so, I missed who I used to be. I missed the home I formed at EMU and I thought it was gone forever. But this week I have been reminded that this isn't true at all.
          You see, EMU is not a place or an experience, but a part of who I am. I might not be in college anymore, but the person I became there is still the person I am today. The deep connections I had with people there are still the deep connections I have today. Just because I have felt lost does not mean that I am not the same passionate person I was at EMU. One close friend told me that I haven't changed at all. And while that is not quite true (as I hope I learned and grew through my time in Croatia and now at seminary) it was so good to be reminded that I am still me. I am still that person I was at EMU even as I am finding what that means when I am in a new place. I needed to be with the people who know me completely to remind me of who I am and remind me just how loved I am.
          That is what I have felt the most of this trip. Just an incredible amount of love. I think a part of me wondered going back if the connections I felt with people would still be there. I was worried that I really was alone in the world. In Goshen it has been hard to form the same level of connections with people. But coming back East, my friendships haven't changed. The connections are still there and the love is deeper than ever. And it is this love I am going to take back with me. I am coming back to Indiana renewed, but I know hard times are still ahead. But instead of mourning being far from the people I love most, I want to hold onto these moments and be able to feel this love when I am back feeling lonely again.
          And I think that I finally have closure on my college experience. My time at EMU was amazing, but it is time to move on. But I know that it will always be a part of me. It will always be home. The people and the place will always be there when I need it most. And knowing this, I hope I can finally fully embrace my seminary experience and the ways Goshen will transform my life. I have so many more thoughts about what this week has meant for me and hopefully I will be able to process it more and do more writing. But I end this post with the lyrics of a Yellowcard song. For me, my "southern air" is EMU and all the people I love most in my life.

I've watched the world go by
Outside a window I still can't believe
Where I am now

It's been forever long
Adventures come and gone
And I'm left alone
But not let down

'Cause I have found a gravity
A voice that pulls me to my knees
Tellin' me remember where you're from

This southern air is all I need
Breathe it in and I can see
Canvases behind my eyes
All the colors of my life

This southern air is in my lungs
It's in every word I've sung
It seems the only truth I know
This will always be home

I thought about the day
When I could truly say I'm better now, well here I am
'Cause I have let this gravity grab a hold and carry me
and I will not
Forget where I am from
Forget where I am from

This southern air is all I need
Breathe it in and I can see
Canvases behind my eyes
All the colors of my life

This southern air is in my lungs
It's in every word I've sung
Seems the only truth I know
This will always be home
Always be home
Always be home

The sun lays down inside the ocean, I'm right where I belong
Feel the air, the salts on my skin the future's coming on
And after living through these wild years and coming out alive
I just want to lay my head here, stop running for a while

This southern air is all I need
Breathe it in and I can see
Canvases behind my eyes
All the colors of my life

This southern air is in my lungs
It's in every word I've sung
Seems the only truth I know
This will always be home
Always be home

Heaven When We're Home

I have been meaning to put up a new post and will soon, but for now, here are the lyrics to a favorite song of mine that recently came across my Pandora station. It seems to be a really fitting song for this time in my life. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNaNDt5Bu6s

Don't know what time it is, I've been up for way too long
and I'm too tired to sleep
I call my mother on the phone, she wasn't home,
and now I'm wondering the street
I've been a fool, I've been cruel to myself
I've been hanging onto nothing
when nothing could be worse than hanging on
And something tells me there must be
something better than all this

I've fallen many times in love and every time
it's been with the wrong man
Still I'm out there living one day at a time
and doing the best I can
Cuz we've all made mistakes
that seem to lead us astray
But every time they helped to get us where we are today
And that's a good a place as any
and it's probably where we're best off anyway

It's a long and rugged road
and we don't now where it's headed
But we know it's going to get us where we're going
And when we find what we're looking for
we'll drop these bags and search no more
'Cuz it's going to feel like heaven when we're home
It's going to feel like heaven when we're home

There's no such thing as perfect,
and if there is we'll find it when we're good and dead
Trust me I've been looking
bu tonight I think I'll go and take a bath instead
And then maybe I'll walk a while
and feel the earth beneath me
They say if you stop looking
it doesn't matter if you find it
And whose to say that even if I did
it's what I'm really looking for

It's a long and rugged road
and we don't now where it's headed
But we know it's going to get us where we're going
And when we find what we're looking for
we'll drop these bags and search no more
'Cuz it's going to feel like heaven when we're home
It's going to feel like heaven when we're home

Fighting For Change

          This past month has had many of life's normal ups and downs. I have not been motivated at all to write, which makes me sad because writing is one of the things that usually makes me feel better. I actually read a chapter for my cultural hermeneutics class about blogging and how blogging shapes people as it is a space where they can be vulnerable and think and reflect on who they are in the world. I know that my blog has helped shape me for the past three years as I have tried to be honest about who I am and the feelings I go through. As I reflect on my experiences, share them with others, and then read them later, I can see myself changing through the writing experience.
          So how have I been changing lately? In my last blog post I shared how I have felt my dreams changing. In the last few weeks, I have realized that this is not completely true. I had to read A Problem From Hell: America and the Age of Genocide by Samantha Powers for my Suffering and Hope class and as I read, I remembered my passion for human rights work. I thought that this passion had gone away since things in Croatia did not work out. However, as I read, I realized they had not. Of course this led to freaking out as I wondered what I was doing in Goshen, Indiana. But believe it or not, there is human rights work to be doing here, too.
          Last week, I went to a presentation by Dr. James Loewen. Dr. Loewen wrote the book Lies My Teacher Told Me: Everything Your American History Textbook Got Wrong. He was speaking at AMBS about racism and what we should be doing. One area of research he has been involved in is sundown towns. He writes on his website, "From Maine to California, thousands of communities kept out African Americans (or sometimes Chinese Americans, Jewish Americans, etc.) by force, law, or custom. These communities are sometimes called "sundown towns" because some of them posted signs at their city limits reading, typically, "Nigger, Don't Let The Sun Go Down On You In ___." Some towns are still all white on purpose. Their chilling stories have been joined more recently by the many elite (and some not so elite) suburbs like Grosse Pointe, MI, or Edina, MN, that have excluded nonwhites by "kinder gentler means." It turns out that Goshen is a sundown town. At the presentation I went to, several African American women spoke up saying that they grew up in Elkhart and knew that they could not be in Goshen at night. They would go in for a sports event or such, but then made sure they left before sundown. This terrible part of Goshen's past is only now being recognized. The Community Relations Commission is trying to pass a resolution in City Council that acknowledges that Goshen had these racist policies, they were wrong, and they will not happen again. I went to the Commission's meeting tonight and was able to hear about the process they have gone through to try to pass this resolution, as well as working on future strategies and plans to eliminate discrimination in this town.
          I am excited to hear about this work that is happening! As I have learned a lot about race in the past couple of years, it is good to know of initiatives that are moving forward and ones that I can be a part of. I am wondering what an internship would look like (I am required to do an internship) with the Community Relations Committee as I would take on special projects related to diversity and human rights issues in Goshen. It was also interesting to learn about sundown towns as I have thought about my own racial autobiography. I have now had to write two different racial autobiographies... first for my race and gender class in undergrad and last semester for my church and race class. I have written that I have grown up in all-white towns and thus have not had contact with people of other races. I now realize, though, that it was on purpose that these towns were (and still are!) mostly white! Berne, Indiana, where I lived from age 10-18 is on the list for sundown towns in Indiana. This history makes me so mad, but also gives me the motivation to work for social change.
          On Sunday I met with a friend who is at Goshen College and his enthusiasm for wanting to make a difference in the world and address social problems reminded me of my passion for social change and social justice. I think through the hard realities of the past two years, I have forgotten this. At EMU I was surrounded by like-minded students who shared my dreams and had professors that encouraged us to try to make change. And we were able to do it! I got to help pass a resolution at EMU! But since graduating, I have not taken these skills with me. I have become jaded by the pessimism of people as well as the reality that life is not like college. But talking with this friend, and learning about Goshen's resolution, I am finding these dreams again and thinking about concrete ways I can contribute to change around me.
          After the Commission's meeting, I had tea with an awesome coworker of mine and we were able to talk about some problems we see, but then also form ideas of how to fight for change. It felt so empowering to brainstorm together as well as just sit together in solidarity. We even talked about starting a Women's group here in Goshen to empower each other and other women. We don't want to live in a white patriarchal society and so we can decide to work together against some of these structures we see in place. And so even though we talked about some hard stuff happening (race and gender issues) I felt excited thinking about organizing again and finding ways to make social change right here in Goshen, Indiana.

Finding New Dreams: Becoming a Goshenite

          Last weekend I had a breakdown. It came after a few weeks of being depressed and not knowing quite what to do. Part of it was what I described in my last post of not being sure if seminary is right for me and being overwhelmed with school and work. But another large part is that I have lost some of my dreams. For the longest time, I have wanted to work in international peace work. In this blog I have written about the need to go to Iraq or Afghanistan to make a positive change, then my life-changing trip to Kurdistan after which I promised myself I would go back. I had plans to obtain my masters in human rights studies after doing on-the-ground peace work. However, after coming home from Croatia, I have lost my desire to live abroad. I have lost my desire to get another masters degree. For the first time, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I am mourning the loss of my old dreams while struggling to figure out what my new ones are.
          Before anyone starts to feel sorry for me, I want you to know that sometimes it is good to breakdown. Sometimes we need to breakdown to start anew. After a quick trip home to Ohio, I came back and decided to make some changes in my life. The biggest change is that I moved from Elkhart to Goshen. It is only 17 minutes away, but already I am excited about this change. I was stressed because I was working so many jobs, so I decided to quit my jobs in Elkhart and take up more hours in Goshen at Maple City Market. Maple City Market is the food co-op in Goshen and has been such a great place to work. I have transitioned into sales staff and really love helping customers and getting to know my coworkers. I love having a job I really like with an organization whose purpose is in line with my values. The move is also good because I never connected to a community in Elkhart, but am making more friends here in Goshen. There seems to be more things going on and fun ways to be involved such as trivia night at the local bar. I am just a mile from downtown so I can easily walk to work and other events happening there. I moved for the time being into a house with a friend from seminary and his wife and wife's cousin, but will need to find a new place come June.
          Other than spending time becoming better friends with people in Goshen, I have started running again as I train for my second half marathon. I am completely sore after running 12.5 miles this last week, but it feels good to be out again and working towards a goal. It might be a little tough this winter to train (we got 12 inches of snow yesterday and the high today is 17 degrees F) but I hope to get through it. Once the weather warms up, I hope to play tennis with friends and go on some long bike rides as cross-training.

          These next few months I am dedicated to becoming actively involved in Goshen life and finding new dreams. I don't know what they will look like but it is kind of exciting. My life is a blank book before me and it is up to me to write the story (I know this is a little cheesy but who says cheese isn't good...well except for me since I am a vegan). I am excited about being a Goshenite and seeing what life has in store for me here. Classes began again today and I feel excited once more for studying. I have some great professors this semester, ones with whom I feel I can be myself and ask hard questions. So for the time being, life seems good. I am trying to have a new outlook in which I acknowledge that dreams change, but new ones will pop up as I open myself to new possibilities and commit myself to a new community.