Fall Break

Life here in Belgium has been so busy lately... I feel like I barely have time to breathe. And the problem is that it is only going to get faster from here, not slow down like I wish. Last weekend was amazing as my BCA program (with Krissy and my friend Kristen) went to Kröller-Müller Museum in the Netherlands which houses the second largest collection of Van Goughs in the world. Afterward we went back to Belgium where we spent the night at an abbey. That night has been one of the highlights of my time so far! We went to prayers and dinner with some of the monks of the abbey, then saw the oldest replica of Da Vinci's The Last Supper which was partly painted by Da Vinci himself, got served beer which was made by the monks at the abbey, and stayed up late having really great conversation with my group about religion. That was really neat because we all come from completely different backgrounds but were able to have a really meaningful conversation with each other.

The next morning after spending the night in our separate rooms, we went to mass then had time to take a lot of fun pictures together (see my facebook page). After lunch with the monks, we were picked up by my resident director and headed to a castle in the province of Liege before heading back to Brussels for a dinner of frites. This week has been full of writing a paper (on the very interesting topic of criminal jurisdiction of foreign vessels in American ports :( ) and also having a really fun game night with my host family and attending my roommate's church's bible study.

Tomorrow I head back to Paris for a four day field trip with my art class. Then my parents and brother Ryan are coming!!!!! I am so excited to see them and experience more of Europe. We are renting a car and heading first to Italy, spending one night in Genoa, then two nights in Cinque Terre. Afterward we will drive to Germany, stopping in Verona, Italy and Innsbruck, Austria. Touring the Neuenschwander castle then heading to Switzerland before driving through France and Luxembourg back to Belgium. We arrive back next Monday. They will be around until Thursday of that week, when I will also be going with them to the airport, but flying to Ireland when they head back to America.

So until then, I wish everyone a happy Halloween and I will write of my adventures when I get back!

Half-Way Point

Today marks the half-way point of my trip to Europe... I arrived here on August 17 and leave on December 17. It is weird to think about because I feel like I haven't been here much at all and at the same time I feel like I have been here forever. Honestly, I think I will be ready to come home. But I know I have already learned so much and there are things here that I will hate to leave. So as my midway reflection, I thought I would list my likes and dislikes of Belgium and Europe.

Likes

-Speculoos Spread: My favorite thing in possibly the entire world! It is like peanut butter made of cookies! The best way to eat it is on crepes!

-Waffles: Totally cliche, but really Belgium waffles are amazing! I often eat them from little packages and was eating one per day before I realized that I really need to cut back!

-Using public transportation: Although sometimes a pain, I love the hustle and bustle!

-Taking long walks: My favorite is my walk through Brugge to my internship in the park with the canal on one side and medieval buildings on the other. I also love walking in Brussels with gorgeous houses all around.

-Getting to know people from all around: Among friends that I have made include Dutch, Polish, Belgium, Turkish, Kazakhstanian, Mexican, Guatemalan, and others. Classes are especially interesting to hear all the different perspectives.

-Dressing fashionably: I like that everyone dresses up here and that looking cute is pretty much required. (Although sometimes I wish I could just wear sweats).

-Playing games with my host family: Teaching my family Dutch Blitz and playing Settlers of Catan are becoming some of my favorite activities.

-Cheese!: So many good cheeses that are inexpensive and great on sandwiches.

-Having random conversations with people: The other day on the bus in Brugge, I had a great conversation with a Flemish fourteen old boy who had never met an American before.

-The "liberalness" of Europe: I love how socialist the society is and Europeans seem to care about their people and even people of other continents (although this might seem more so to me since I am working for the UN).

Dislikes

-Bread and cheese molding long before I can eat them: Oh how I miss the preservatives of the US! (Never thought I would say that!)

-Mean train ticket takers: Not all are mean, but mostly they are grumpy.

-Lack of smiles: I believe I mentioned this in my first blog entry. Though I have become used to it and now I really notice and appreciate it when someone smiles at me (which really does happen). So maybe this should be a like, since I notice and appreciate smiling more.

-Lack of privacy: As much as I like my roommates and host family, sometimes it would be nice to have some space of my own.

-No Mexican Food!

These are just a few that come to mind, but I will expand the list as I think and reflect this week. Blessings to all!

Gentle My Desperation

The past weeks have been really hard on me. My hopelessness from last week has only intensified this week with the death of Goshen College professor, Dr. Miller. Midterms were also this week, adding more stress and depression to my life. Especially on Wednesday night, I felt completely surrounded by sadness and depression for no particular reason. The last two days have been a lot better, but in the pit of my stomach I still feel an overwhelming feeling of sadness and hopelessness that I try to ignore because I just want to feel happy, or at least just ok.

This feeling has pushed me into praying a lot. My relationship with God has really gone through ups and downs the last few years, but this week I have felt the need to communicate with God and do some soul-searching. I have been reading In the Sanctuary of Women by Jan L. Richardson, a prayer book given to me by Rachel, the pastor of San Antonio Mennonite Church. I would highly recommend the book to anyone... it is filled with prayers and reflections of women in the Bible. One part that I have been reflecting on is the idea of hungering and desiring. A prayer in the book goes, "May your longing lead you far and farther still toward the place where what you desire can be met only by God. May your hungering bring you home by another way."

The author describes how life is about going on quests and how each road leads us different places and teaches new lessons. Part of the scariness and blessing of journeys is that we are never quite the same when we return. The same is when we truly experience God - we can never be the same. I am hoping that the deep longing and pain that I am experiencing now will teach me valuable lessons and make me a stronger person. I hope that it will bring me closer to God and help me to use my life to help alleviate the pain of those around me. My mom sent me a prayer the other day that described perfectly how I have been feeling. I leave it with you below.

Come, Lord Jesus,

Touch me

with love, life-giving as light,

to quiet my anger a little

and gentle my desperation,

to soften my fears some

and soothe the knots of my cynicism,

to wipe away the tears from my eyes

and ease the pains in my body and soul,

to reconcile me to myself

and then to the people around me,

and then nation to nation,

that none shall learn war any more,

but turn to feed the hungry, house the homeless

and care compassionately for the least of our brothers and sisters.

Reshape me in your wholeness

to be a healing person, Lord.

Come, Lord Jesus,

expand me

by your power, life-generating as the sea,

to accept

and use my power,

to do something I believe in

and be something more of who I mean to be

and can be,

to inspire me to dream and move,

sweat and sing,

fail and laugh,

cuss and create,

to link my passion with courage,

my hope with discipline,

my love with persistence,

to enable me to learn from difficulties,

grow in adversities,

gain wisdom from defeats,

perspective from disappointment,

gracefulness from crises,

and find joy in simply living it all fully.

Release me through your power

to be a powerful person, Lord.

Come, Lord Jesus,

startle me

with your presence, life-sustaining as air,

to open my heart

to praise you,

to open my mind

to attend you,

to open my spirit

to worship you,

to open me

to live my life

as authentically and boldly as you lived yours.

Come, Lord Jesus,

be with me

in my longing;

come, stay with me

in my needing;

come, go with me

in my doing;

come, struggle with me

in my searching;

come, rejoice with me

in my loving.

10 Years

Today marks the ten year anniversary of the war in Afghanistan. Ten years of fighting with not much of a foreseeable end. I hate to think of how many people have suffered and died in this "war on terror" and how many more people continue to suffer. Wednesday in my European Peace and Security Studies class we watched a Wikileaks video title "Collateral Murder." The video found on youtube is absolutely terrible and shows footage from an US helicopter in Iraq shooting at civilians. It is debatable if it was really an accident or not, and the US tried to cover up the scandal which included the deaths of two Reuters reporters and injuries of children. After class I fell apart while talking to my dad on the phone. I had already been down from my experiences on Monday, and this, along with today's anniversary, killed something inside of me.

I also go an overwhelming feeling that going to Iraq or Afghanistan is in my future. I have been considering joining Christian Peacemaker Teams since probably junior high, but in the last couple of days, I now know that I have to go. It is not just a goal of mine to go try to make peace in the world, but it is a part of who I am. I know that at my core, I am meant to go to these war-torn areas and become an advocate of peace. I have never felt anything else more strongly in my entire life. Right now, I am looking into joining a CPT delegation to Iraq sometime in 2012. But really, it is not a matter of choice, but rather doing what I need to do. I have to sign release form saying that I recognize that I may be kidnapped, tortured, or killed, but I realize that I am more than willing to lay down my life if it means that I am helping bring an end to the cycle of violence in this world. I really do not know what the future is going to hold, and it might not be a pretty one, but I know that God will be with me and that hope exists even on days such as these.

The Martyr's Mirror

I have to admit that the last couple of days have been hard. I was extremely homesick on Friday, but then had a fantastic day in Antwerp on Saturday. I was there first for my art class field trip, visiting different museums, then to Kathleen's house (my resident director) for dinner and the night. I loved being back in the room where I stayed when I first came to Belgium. It was a little like coming home. We had a huge delicious dinner of pumpkin curry soup, rabbit, baked pears, tator-tot like things, and cake dessert. Krissy also came along, which was great to have some time to hang out with her and the guys.

On Sunday, after a huge breakfast, we headed in a van to the west of Belgium where we first went to World War I trenches. After the trenches, we went to a cemetery of World War I soldiers, a bunker, then finally a museum in Ypres, one of the main cities attacked in WWI. We also attended a ceremony honoring the fallen soldiers that has occurred everyday since WWI ended with the exception of WWII. The realities of the war were just so terrible. One reporter/artist of WWI wrote, "I have seen the most frightful nightmare of a country more conceived by Dante or Poe than by nature, unspeakable, utterly indescribable... Evil and the incarnate fiend alone can be master of this war, and no glimmer of God's hand is seen anywhere."

I don't know if I have just been trained to hate war, but the whole day was really hard for me to take and I am still upset over it. I think the worst part of the experience was at the end of the museum when they mentioned that since 1918, there has not been one day without an armed conflict somewhere on the planet, and the number of wars keeps increasing. And our country still glorifies war and the soldiers fighting for "our freedom." It makes me so mad and often I just lose all hope in humanity.

To make matters more depressing, yesterday I began my research on Anabaptists in Belgium and read of all the people who were killed in this country in the 1500s. There used to be thousands of Mennonites here, but were persecuted so badly, that the ones who didn't die fled to Holland. Many of the stories are recorded in The Martyr's Mirror. For those who don't know, The Martyr's Mirror is a HUGE book filled with stories of Anabaptists who were persecuted for their faith. It used to be that every Mennonite household had a copy and the stories would be shared often.

I think it is sad that we have stopped this tradition because although the stories are gruesome, they showed what it meant to truly live what you believe, despite suffering. The stories are our heritage and still can have so much meaning today. Ypres has a ceremony everyday honoring soldiers and in the US, celebrations honoring soldiers are not uncommon. As pacifists, I believe we need to also honor those who have suffered for Christ. We need to know these stories and share them with our kids so they know that war is not the only way.

Even though I have been quite down lately, I try to think of the positive and the work that is being done for peace in the world. I listened and talked to a worker from the United Nations yesterday and the work the UN is doing in the Central African Republic. Although the country is a mess, I found hope that programs are in place to try to solve the conflict and problems happening in that area of the world. And I have been listening to the song "One Day" by Matisyahu which expresses quite accurately, what I have been feeling.

"Sometimes I lay under the moon and thank God I'm breathing. Then I pray don't take me soon cause I am here for a reason. Sometimes in my tears I drown, but I never let it get me down. So when negativity surrounds, I know some day it'll all turn around because all my life I've been waiting for, I've been praying for, for the people to say that we don't wanna fight no more, there'll be no more wars and our children will play... one day. It's not about win or lose cause we all lose when they feed on the souls of the innocent blood drenched pavement. Keep on moving through the waters raging. In this maze you can lose your way, it might drive you crazy, but don't let it faze you no way. One day this all will change. Treat people the same, stop the violence, down with the hate. One day we'll all be free and proud to be under the same sun singing songs of freedom like. All my life I've been waiting for, I've been praying for, for the people to say that we don't wanna fight no more, there'll be no more wars and our children will play. One day."