Thursday, October 8, 2015

Facing imperfections and my own insecurity

           Today, a person made an observation that I tend to like people a lot when I meet them, but like them less when I get to know them. They didn't say it in a judgmental way at all, but in an observational way. At first, I wanted to say that this is not true. I wanted to justify myself. However, because of who I was with, I felt safe enough to realize the truth in the statement. The thing is, I am an idealist. When I meet someone new, it is easy for me to connect and be really excited. Then, when the relationship gets deeper, I see the flaws and can become easily uncomfortable because reality is messy and complicated and does not live up to the ideals I want to see in the world. I have a tendancy to withdraw from people when I see these imperfections.
          However, I do not think that it is the people I draw away from, but the person I am. When I see other people's faults, I become uncomfortable because it is so much harder to love someone with all their faults. It is easy to love the idea of someone, but so much harder to love the complicated, messy, real person. I pride myself at valuing relationships and for being someone who will be there for my friends, even during hard times. So when I am uncomfortable with seeing and being with these beautiful, complicated people, I begin to dislike myself. I see my own faults and a place in my own life where I am hypocritical. When I see this happen, instead of dealing with my own insecurity, I withdraw myself from the situation, from the person, so I don't have to deal with a version of myself I don't like. And as someone who is a conflict avoider, I never let them know why I am pulling away. I hope that they don't notice and won't be hurt.
           This is not a quality about myself that I like. I am writing it here for the world to see because I want to change. I don't want to be that person who runs away when things get tough. I don't want to be flaky or flighty. I still want to be idealistic and always look for the good in people, but I also want to be able to accept the imperfections. I want to embrace the messiness in life and be someone who can walk with others through their struggles.
         Before I get too hard on myself, I want to acknowledge all the times when I have worked through the hard times and have stayed with others. There have been several times when I have withdrawn from relationships, but have been able to work through my own issues and insecurities and have come back to form stronger, more genuine relationships. Some of my closest friends are ones in which I withdrew for months or even a couple of years, but then I grew and set realistic expectations. I let relationships happen for what they were instead of what I ideally wanted them to be. When I did this, I was able to truly love them fully and our relationships grew deeper and better than what I could have imagined them to be. 
           I have also found that the people I am closest with, I am close with because they know my imperfections and love me anyway. My best friends are the ones with whom I can tell my weaknesses and listen to theirs because we have been through a lot together and know that we are committed to each other and nothing will change the love we have for each other. As we are able to be honest and real, we reveal our true selves and the relationship deepens. And this is beautiful. This is worth the feeling of being uncomfortable. As I strive to form these types of relationships, I want to face my own imperfections in order to not draw away when I see others.

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