Southern Air

          My heart is so full (in the best of ways) as I write this. I am currently in Washington DC, a stop on my Spring Break road trip. I have known that I needed to make this trip since I arrived back in the United States, but it was only now that I have been able to do it. I started Saturday night with a visit to Pittsburgh before traveling to Harrisonburg, VA, now in DC, tomorrow to Lancaster, and finally spending the weekend in Elmira, NY. So far I have spent quality time with ten different friends. It has been crazy, but so good. I have needed this trip in so many ways.
          The last couple of months have been hard. The last two years have been hard. I started two blog posts in the last month that I never finished about how I have been feeling depressed. How I feel like I am lost and I just don't quite know who I am in the world anymore. At EMU I was so sure and I was surrounded by people that knew me and loved me unconditionally. I missed people desperately, but even more so, I missed who I used to be. I missed the home I formed at EMU and I thought it was gone forever. But this week I have been reminded that this isn't true at all.
          You see, EMU is not a place or an experience, but a part of who I am. I might not be in college anymore, but the person I became there is still the person I am today. The deep connections I had with people there are still the deep connections I have today. Just because I have felt lost does not mean that I am not the same passionate person I was at EMU. One close friend told me that I haven't changed at all. And while that is not quite true (as I hope I learned and grew through my time in Croatia and now at seminary) it was so good to be reminded that I am still me. I am still that person I was at EMU even as I am finding what that means when I am in a new place. I needed to be with the people who know me completely to remind me of who I am and remind me just how loved I am.
          That is what I have felt the most of this trip. Just an incredible amount of love. I think a part of me wondered going back if the connections I felt with people would still be there. I was worried that I really was alone in the world. In Goshen it has been hard to form the same level of connections with people. But coming back East, my friendships haven't changed. The connections are still there and the love is deeper than ever. And it is this love I am going to take back with me. I am coming back to Indiana renewed, but I know hard times are still ahead. But instead of mourning being far from the people I love most, I want to hold onto these moments and be able to feel this love when I am back feeling lonely again.
          And I think that I finally have closure on my college experience. My time at EMU was amazing, but it is time to move on. But I know that it will always be a part of me. It will always be home. The people and the place will always be there when I need it most. And knowing this, I hope I can finally fully embrace my seminary experience and the ways Goshen will transform my life. I have so many more thoughts about what this week has meant for me and hopefully I will be able to process it more and do more writing. But I end this post with the lyrics of a Yellowcard song. For me, my "southern air" is EMU and all the people I love most in my life.

I've watched the world go by
Outside a window I still can't believe
Where I am now

It's been forever long
Adventures come and gone
And I'm left alone
But not let down

'Cause I have found a gravity
A voice that pulls me to my knees
Tellin' me remember where you're from

This southern air is all I need
Breathe it in and I can see
Canvases behind my eyes
All the colors of my life

This southern air is in my lungs
It's in every word I've sung
It seems the only truth I know
This will always be home

I thought about the day
When I could truly say I'm better now, well here I am
'Cause I have let this gravity grab a hold and carry me
and I will not
Forget where I am from
Forget where I am from

This southern air is all I need
Breathe it in and I can see
Canvases behind my eyes
All the colors of my life

This southern air is in my lungs
It's in every word I've sung
Seems the only truth I know
This will always be home
Always be home
Always be home

The sun lays down inside the ocean, I'm right where I belong
Feel the air, the salts on my skin the future's coming on
And after living through these wild years and coming out alive
I just want to lay my head here, stop running for a while

This southern air is all I need
Breathe it in and I can see
Canvases behind my eyes
All the colors of my life

This southern air is in my lungs
It's in every word I've sung
Seems the only truth I know
This will always be home
Always be home

Heaven When We're Home

I have been meaning to put up a new post and will soon, but for now, here are the lyrics to a favorite song of mine that recently came across my Pandora station. It seems to be a really fitting song for this time in my life. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNaNDt5Bu6s

Don't know what time it is, I've been up for way too long
and I'm too tired to sleep
I call my mother on the phone, she wasn't home,
and now I'm wondering the street
I've been a fool, I've been cruel to myself
I've been hanging onto nothing
when nothing could be worse than hanging on
And something tells me there must be
something better than all this

I've fallen many times in love and every time
it's been with the wrong man
Still I'm out there living one day at a time
and doing the best I can
Cuz we've all made mistakes
that seem to lead us astray
But every time they helped to get us where we are today
And that's a good a place as any
and it's probably where we're best off anyway

It's a long and rugged road
and we don't now where it's headed
But we know it's going to get us where we're going
And when we find what we're looking for
we'll drop these bags and search no more
'Cuz it's going to feel like heaven when we're home
It's going to feel like heaven when we're home

There's no such thing as perfect,
and if there is we'll find it when we're good and dead
Trust me I've been looking
bu tonight I think I'll go and take a bath instead
And then maybe I'll walk a while
and feel the earth beneath me
They say if you stop looking
it doesn't matter if you find it
And whose to say that even if I did
it's what I'm really looking for

It's a long and rugged road
and we don't now where it's headed
But we know it's going to get us where we're going
And when we find what we're looking for
we'll drop these bags and search no more
'Cuz it's going to feel like heaven when we're home
It's going to feel like heaven when we're home

Fighting For Change

          This past month has had many of life's normal ups and downs. I have not been motivated at all to write, which makes me sad because writing is one of the things that usually makes me feel better. I actually read a chapter for my cultural hermeneutics class about blogging and how blogging shapes people as it is a space where they can be vulnerable and think and reflect on who they are in the world. I know that my blog has helped shape me for the past three years as I have tried to be honest about who I am and the feelings I go through. As I reflect on my experiences, share them with others, and then read them later, I can see myself changing through the writing experience.
          So how have I been changing lately? In my last blog post I shared how I have felt my dreams changing. In the last few weeks, I have realized that this is not completely true. I had to read A Problem From Hell: America and the Age of Genocide by Samantha Powers for my Suffering and Hope class and as I read, I remembered my passion for human rights work. I thought that this passion had gone away since things in Croatia did not work out. However, as I read, I realized they had not. Of course this led to freaking out as I wondered what I was doing in Goshen, Indiana. But believe it or not, there is human rights work to be doing here, too.
          Last week, I went to a presentation by Dr. James Loewen. Dr. Loewen wrote the book Lies My Teacher Told Me: Everything Your American History Textbook Got Wrong. He was speaking at AMBS about racism and what we should be doing. One area of research he has been involved in is sundown towns. He writes on his website, "From Maine to California, thousands of communities kept out African Americans (or sometimes Chinese Americans, Jewish Americans, etc.) by force, law, or custom. These communities are sometimes called "sundown towns" because some of them posted signs at their city limits reading, typically, "Nigger, Don't Let The Sun Go Down On You In ___." Some towns are still all white on purpose. Their chilling stories have been joined more recently by the many elite (and some not so elite) suburbs like Grosse Pointe, MI, or Edina, MN, that have excluded nonwhites by "kinder gentler means." It turns out that Goshen is a sundown town. At the presentation I went to, several African American women spoke up saying that they grew up in Elkhart and knew that they could not be in Goshen at night. They would go in for a sports event or such, but then made sure they left before sundown. This terrible part of Goshen's past is only now being recognized. The Community Relations Commission is trying to pass a resolution in City Council that acknowledges that Goshen had these racist policies, they were wrong, and they will not happen again. I went to the Commission's meeting tonight and was able to hear about the process they have gone through to try to pass this resolution, as well as working on future strategies and plans to eliminate discrimination in this town.
          I am excited to hear about this work that is happening! As I have learned a lot about race in the past couple of years, it is good to know of initiatives that are moving forward and ones that I can be a part of. I am wondering what an internship would look like (I am required to do an internship) with the Community Relations Committee as I would take on special projects related to diversity and human rights issues in Goshen. It was also interesting to learn about sundown towns as I have thought about my own racial autobiography. I have now had to write two different racial autobiographies... first for my race and gender class in undergrad and last semester for my church and race class. I have written that I have grown up in all-white towns and thus have not had contact with people of other races. I now realize, though, that it was on purpose that these towns were (and still are!) mostly white! Berne, Indiana, where I lived from age 10-18 is on the list for sundown towns in Indiana. This history makes me so mad, but also gives me the motivation to work for social change.
          On Sunday I met with a friend who is at Goshen College and his enthusiasm for wanting to make a difference in the world and address social problems reminded me of my passion for social change and social justice. I think through the hard realities of the past two years, I have forgotten this. At EMU I was surrounded by like-minded students who shared my dreams and had professors that encouraged us to try to make change. And we were able to do it! I got to help pass a resolution at EMU! But since graduating, I have not taken these skills with me. I have become jaded by the pessimism of people as well as the reality that life is not like college. But talking with this friend, and learning about Goshen's resolution, I am finding these dreams again and thinking about concrete ways I can contribute to change around me.
          After the Commission's meeting, I had tea with an awesome coworker of mine and we were able to talk about some problems we see, but then also form ideas of how to fight for change. It felt so empowering to brainstorm together as well as just sit together in solidarity. We even talked about starting a Women's group here in Goshen to empower each other and other women. We don't want to live in a white patriarchal society and so we can decide to work together against some of these structures we see in place. And so even though we talked about some hard stuff happening (race and gender issues) I felt excited thinking about organizing again and finding ways to make social change right here in Goshen, Indiana.

Finding New Dreams: Becoming a Goshenite

          Last weekend I had a breakdown. It came after a few weeks of being depressed and not knowing quite what to do. Part of it was what I described in my last post of not being sure if seminary is right for me and being overwhelmed with school and work. But another large part is that I have lost some of my dreams. For the longest time, I have wanted to work in international peace work. In this blog I have written about the need to go to Iraq or Afghanistan to make a positive change, then my life-changing trip to Kurdistan after which I promised myself I would go back. I had plans to obtain my masters in human rights studies after doing on-the-ground peace work. However, after coming home from Croatia, I have lost my desire to live abroad. I have lost my desire to get another masters degree. For the first time, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I am mourning the loss of my old dreams while struggling to figure out what my new ones are.
          Before anyone starts to feel sorry for me, I want you to know that sometimes it is good to breakdown. Sometimes we need to breakdown to start anew. After a quick trip home to Ohio, I came back and decided to make some changes in my life. The biggest change is that I moved from Elkhart to Goshen. It is only 17 minutes away, but already I am excited about this change. I was stressed because I was working so many jobs, so I decided to quit my jobs in Elkhart and take up more hours in Goshen at Maple City Market. Maple City Market is the food co-op in Goshen and has been such a great place to work. I have transitioned into sales staff and really love helping customers and getting to know my coworkers. I love having a job I really like with an organization whose purpose is in line with my values. The move is also good because I never connected to a community in Elkhart, but am making more friends here in Goshen. There seems to be more things going on and fun ways to be involved such as trivia night at the local bar. I am just a mile from downtown so I can easily walk to work and other events happening there. I moved for the time being into a house with a friend from seminary and his wife and wife's cousin, but will need to find a new place come June.
          Other than spending time becoming better friends with people in Goshen, I have started running again as I train for my second half marathon. I am completely sore after running 12.5 miles this last week, but it feels good to be out again and working towards a goal. It might be a little tough this winter to train (we got 12 inches of snow yesterday and the high today is 17 degrees F) but I hope to get through it. Once the weather warms up, I hope to play tennis with friends and go on some long bike rides as cross-training.

          These next few months I am dedicated to becoming actively involved in Goshen life and finding new dreams. I don't know what they will look like but it is kind of exciting. My life is a blank book before me and it is up to me to write the story (I know this is a little cheesy but who says cheese isn't good...well except for me since I am a vegan). I am excited about being a Goshenite and seeing what life has in store for me here. Classes began again today and I feel excited once more for studying. I have some great professors this semester, ones with whom I feel I can be myself and ask hard questions. So for the time being, life seems good. I am trying to have a new outlook in which I acknowledge that dreams change, but new ones will pop up as I open myself to new possibilities and commit myself to a new community.

First update of 2015

          It has been almost two months since I last posted. This has been for a lot of reasons. First, my life has continued to be extremely busy. Even with Christmas Break, I feel like I have had no time to just relax and get caught up on sleep. My break was full of finishing up papers, working extra hours, and then traveling to Ohio, back to Indiana for my Grandma Schmidt's memorial service, then to Kansas for family Christmas, back to Ohio to visit my spiritual director in Cincinnati, then finally back here on New Year's Eve to work. Currently I am in a two-week intensive class entitled Education for Peace and Justice. The class is going fine, but it is exhausting having class everyday while still working several of my jobs. I am hoping that I will be able to relax some next week, but already have picked up extra work shifts while I have the time.
          I also haven't written because honestly, I haven't been all that great. I have been tired, stressed, and just kind of sad. I have been frustrated as winter has set in with a mean vengeance. I know I shouldn't complain because I chose to move to Northern Indiana, but I just hate cold and hate snow. And it looks like it is here to stay for a very long time. I have also realized that my precarious balance of work and school is not working. I am left feeling like I have not given my best to any place, but instead am just tired. I think that the transition is also still hard. While at first, being back in the United States felt so good and I was so excited to be in a place where it seemed I fit in, this feeling has worn off. I am glad to be where I am, but I also am not as settled as I would wish. While I am continuing to build friendships, my closest friend here is about to move away at the end of February and I am panicked at the thought of losing her. She has been a huge means of support and love to me, so it is hard to imagine who will be my go-to person when she is gone.
          Finally, I wonder if seminary is right for me. I really did love my classes last semester. I love studying theology and having meaningful conversations with people. However, I still have so many doubts about God that are not going away. The class I am in now is reading some psalms of lament. I can identify with the laments, but then they turn to words of praise, and I cannot identify with it. I cannot seem to get past my agnosticism. Sometimes this is okay, but other times I feel very much like an outsider here. I wish I could just believe, but there is still something (most days) holding me back. Especially with the lack of sleep I am experiencing, it has been hard to stay positive and stay involved in the learning.
          I always take a risk when I write some of my negative feelings down because that is only one part of my life. Even as I have felt a bit depressed, there have also been a lot of really good things happening. I loved reconnecting with friends and family over Christmas. I especially loved getting to see my nephew again. He is just so cute and lovable. I also continue to really like my job at Maple City Market, the food co-op in Goshen. The people are great, as well as getting to be a part of that community. Goshen has actually become a really great place as the downtown has been revitalized and many new businesses and people are coming in. It is exciting to see the local food movement grow and prosper.
          Today also happens to be my birthday and it has been fun to receive messages from friends across the world. My mom is here for the week taking a class, so she will take me and a friend out to eat tonight. I am also having a few friends over for a small party on Sunday, which should be really fun. Pastor's Week is coming up soon, which is exciting due to my family coming for the week (including my nephew!). I am also beginning to plan possible adventures for this spring and summer. I hope to do an east coast trip to visit friends around Easter, then possible international travel this summer. All these things, as well as thinking about warmer weather and spending time outside, bring me hope and happiness.
          I really want to start writing more. Writing has always been a good way for me to process all the different things happening in my life, and I am afraid that I have not done it enough lately. I also hope to be able to write about some of the research I did last semester, as well as more of the random thoughts and dreams I am currently thinking about.

Thanksgiving with Michael

          This year's Thanksgiving was much different from last years. Instead of exploring new places and having epic adventures, I had a fairly quiet Thanksgiving here in Elkhart. It might not sound exciting, but it has been a really good holiday. Some friends from church asked if I would dog sit their dog Michael. I was happy to agree since I have had a lack of animal interaction in my life and thus I moved a mile down the road for the past week. Michael is a Portuguese Water Dog (like the Obamas have) and is quite the guy! I might be more of a cat person, but Michael won my heart as we spent time snuggling and playing together. As funny as it might seem, I am so thankful for this time with Michael as it gave me some good reminders.
          First, Michael reminded me not to be so serious and take time to play everyday. Like most dogs, Michael likes attention and likes getting out of the house. He was not too thrilled that I was writing a paper for most of break and would come stick his nose on my computer and convince me that it was time to take a break. We would then proceed outside for a walk. Walking is such a simple thing, but Michael just loves it! He got so excited everytime we went out. I realize as I have been studying and working so much, I have not taken the time to just be outside and relax. Taking a walk doesn't take up too much time, but it gives a person so much. I loved seeing the world through Michael's eyes and taking the time to (figuratively) smell the roses.
          On Thanksgiving day, I was furiously working on writing a paper. I had no plans to go outside all day, but in the early afternoon, Michael came and interrupted me. I decided I would play with him in the back yard for just a few minutes as a break to myself. Little had I realized that it had snowed. But out we went, into the snow. Now normally, I hate snow. But Michael was so excited. He didn't mind the white stuff coming down or the cold. I chased him around and we both experienced moments of complete joy as we ran through the snow laughing. (Well, I laughed, Michael just ran). Then, Michael attempted to catch some snowflakes in his mouth. He looked just so cute. During the course of the semester, I have forgotten about the small joys in life. While living in Croatia last year, I usually noticed small joys. I took the time to go on walks and see the world with fresh eyes because I was in a new place. But here, I have been too busy. Watching Michael gave me the opportunity to rediscover small joys. I got to play in the snow, as well as spend time snuggling with Michael inside giving him tummy rubs (he loves tummy rubs)!
          Thanksgiving evening, I had three friends over to celebrate the holiday. We had an amazing dinner of tofurkey (yes, I made my omnivore friends go vegan with me) and other delicious food and then we played games together. It was so nice and I felt so grown-up as I hosted my first holiday meal. I celebrated with my family the next day at my aunt and uncle's house in Goshen. My parents and brother Ryan came up and we had a nice afternoon eating and playing games. Saturday was work like usual and today was spent finishing my paper. Michael's owners came back tonight, so I am once again back in my apartment.
          The next couple of weeks are crazy as I finish up my semester. There is so much to do, but I feel refreshed. I am just really thankful for where I am. I have the amazing opportunity to study subjects that I am passionate about and be in a community that accepts me for who I am. I have a job that I genuinely like with coworkers who are becoming good friends. I have a family who loves me and lives (relatively) nearby so I can spend time with them in person. I am thankful to be busy, but also thankful for the small moments of joy that life offers. Looking back on the past year, I am so thankful for the places I have been and the experiences I had. I feel so lucky to have been where I have been, but also so glad to be where I am now. I don't think that everyone can say that.

Michael, playing in the snow.

My Search for the Divine

           When I finish my three years at seminary, I will have a Masters of Divinity. Divinity. The Divine. I have been pretty open on this blog about where I struggle with issues of faith. In August 2012 I posted on "Finding My Faith Again." In September 2013, I wrote on "Losing My Faith Again." When I wrote "Losing My Faith Again," I did not know if I could honestly claim Christianity. I had so many doubts about God and just so many questions. You see, I have met many people who just know that God exists and they can actively feel the presence of God in their lives. I don't have that feeling; I don't have that complete faith. I think I have felt moments of the Divine, but they always seem to be fleeting and can easily be forgotten. In the midst of struggle and heartache, I could not see or understand God. And at the time I was not prepared to try to find answers for my questions
          But here I am now at school studying theology, studying the Divine, studying what faith is. I am asking some really hard questions and studying issues such as suffering and racism and what it all means within the context of faith. I am not sure that I am actually finding any answers, but I find myself gaining a much larger picture of who God is. As I find myself falling in love with theology, I find myself taking the step of faith. Because I am starting to understand that faith is not about a feeling. Faith is about taking a step despite not feeling, despite not knowing. I can say now that I believe in God and that I am a Christian, believing by proclaiming this, I am making a faith statement. I am putting trust in the church, people whom I trust and have come to respect. I am putting my trust in a theology that claims love and liberation for all people. I am putting my trust in the Divine.
          My search is far from over. I still have so many questions and I feel like I am just getting my foot wet in understanding what faith is. But I am taking that step. And this step is really scary. I have discovered lately that I am scared of commitment. I am so scared of getting hurt and there are areas of my life in which I am not prepared to risk. But I have decided to take the risk of faith. I have begun this journey even though I don't know where it is taking me. I am scared but I am trusting that God is there.
         To end this post, I first am including a quote by the theologian Jurgen Moltmann who addresses the balance between questioning and staying stagnate. I think he describes the balance I have in my life right now of asking really hard questions, but also finding a faith that grounds me. Then below that I have the lyrics to The Wailin' Jennys song called Heaven When We're Home. I have been playing it a lot in the last couple of days as it speaks to my search.

"What is needed then is to find a lively equilibrium between the fundamental self-questioning of man, and the answers by means of which he takes control of himself. Man cannot continue indefinitely in a radical attitude of questioning. He would then never succeed in giving form to his life. Nor can he tie himself down and be content with the external face which his time and his culture give to him. Then he would stagnate. He reaches an equilibrium if he respects the limits which make man's forms of living authentic, and recognizes that in the changes of cultures and of images of man there is, for all the seriousness and hope of the latter, a provisional element." Jurgen Moltmann

Don't know what time it is, I've been up for way too long
and I'm too tired to sleep
I call my mother on the phone, she wasn't home,
and now I'm wondering the street
I've been a fool, I've been cruel to myself
I've been hanging onto nothing
when nothing could be worse than hanging on
And something tells me there must be
something better than all this

I've fallen many times in love and every time
it's been with the wrong man
Still I'm out there living one day at a time
and doing the best I can
Cuz we've all made mistakes
that seem to lead us astray
But every time they helped to get us where we are today
And that's a good a place as any
and it's probably where we're best off anyway

It's a long and rugged road
and we don't now where it's headed
But we know it's going to get us where we're going
And when we find what we're looking for
we'll drop these bags and search no more
'Cuz it's going to feel like heaven when we're home
It's going to feel like heaven when we're home

There's no such thing as perfect,
and if there is we'll fnd it when we're good and dead
Trust me I've been looking
bu tonight I think I'll go and take a bath instead
And then maybe I'll walk a while
and feel the earth beneath me
They say if you stop looking
it doesn't matter if you find it
And whose to say that even if I did
it's what I'm really looking for

It's a long and rugged road
and we don't now where it's headed
But we know it's going to get us where we're going
And when we find what we're looking for
we'll drop these bags and search no more
'Cuz it's going to feel like heaven when we're home
It's going to feel like heaven when we're home