Learning to grow up

          Life often feels like a roller coaster. In the course of a week, I feel like I have so many ups and downs. This last week was no exception but in many ways the ups and downs seemed a lot more intensified. I learned last week about some news that might be life-changing for me. I cannot write about it now, but it was the kind of news that shook me to the core and made me reexamine the meaning of life. Luckily, instead of finding out hard news and then departing for a whole new life in Europe and not having the space or people to process with, I am in a community that deals daily with hard questions.
          My seminary experience so far has been one in which we look at hard questions from both an academic point of view, as well as a deeply personal one. On Friday, after spending some time in personal reflection I talked with my academic adviser about the deep struggles I have with God, especially in light of recent events in my life. My adviser allowed the space for my struggles and encouraged me to keep asking them in spite of there not being many answers. However, he also helped me see the space for where God is at work. He took the time to listen, give me advice both academically and spiritually, and then he prayed for me. I was overcome with thankfulness that I am in the space where I have people like this to walk with me and challenge me; challenge me in my questions, challenge me in my assumptions, and challenge me in my faith, all while walking right there beside me. I feel truly blessed to be in this space. 
          I then had a really terrific weekend. Friday night, I went over to my friend Katie's house and we cooked a delicious meal and just talked for hours. Saturday night, I hosted my first couch surfers! Ever since joining couch surfing back in January, I have looked forward to the time when I would have my own place and could host travelers. When I moved to Elkhart, I was not really expecting people to come, but last week I received a request from a guy and his girlfriend traveling back to Wisconsin after spending time in Massachusetts with friends. They were organic farmers and were so excited to cook and eat real food after time spent on the road. As usual, I have tons of vegetables from work and my friend who works on a local farm, so my couch surfers just took over and cooked a great vegetable, lentil curry. I then took them to a game night at a friend's house and stopped by a birthday party of another friend. On Sunday morning, I made oatmeal and smoothies and sent them on their way. Before they left, they recorded me a song (they had a band together). It was just a really great time of connecting over food, song, and friendship.
          Sunday was another great day as I connected with a new friend, walking and talking, and then Katie came over to my apartment and we cooked another great meal and talked again for hours. I might have gotten no homework accomplished, but I felt accomplished because I did work for 8 hours on Saturday at the food co-op, but I also had three sit-down healthy, amazing dinners with friends. I was able to be a host and take time to deepen relationships in my life. I was able to be fully present in where I was.
          This week has already had more ups and downs. I have been feeling a little sick and have not been sleeping too well, which has made me a bit crabby and unmotivated to work. I have also had some good discussions with my roommate about what we both need in terms of living together. As I have learned in the past, I am a conflict avoider. If I think there is any hint of what could be conflict, I run away and hide within myself. This means that I don't often express my own needs. This was a problem when I was living in Croatia and was one of the reasons that I ended back in the U.S. But yesterday, I forced myself into conversation about my needs and my roommate's needs and it was really good. There was no conflict, and we came to a place of understanding each other better. I felt that I had really made strides in my own development.
          All in all, I think in this past week I have learned a lot more about what it means to be a grown-up. I do not think of myself as grown-up, but I am discovering new ways of how to deal with life as it comes. I am learning to go get help and talk to people instead of carrying my burdens alone. I am learning about how to host people in my own space and allow them to feel welcome. I am learning to cook on my own and share the joy of eating with friends and strangers. I am learning how to recognize my weaknesses, but pushing through uncomfortable places to build more authentic relationships. I am learning to balance my time and energy. I am learning to grow up.

Meeting the world with my arms wide open

          I decided that I would change my tagline to "meeting the wold with my arms wide open." I really like the idea of meeting. To me, it means that the world is coming to me. Life is happening and as we all know, things can change so quickly. But instead of waiting on life, or running away, I am going up and saying "Here I am!" I want to be open to new ideas and new adventures. I want to be open to new people. I know, however, that I might get hurt. A friend wrote to me recently that I "take the world on bravely and eagerly, and then sometimes get a little bruised in the process. Which is normal, and probably worth it for the real experiences." The world can be a tough place as this last year has proved. But I also know it to be a place of unspeakable beauty and uncontainable love. And in that hope, I am meeting it head on with a smile on my face and my arms reaching out.

Done with Waiting

          As I was redoing the look of my blog yesterday, I read the subtitle; "Waiting for an adventure bigger than me. Waiting for a world about to open." I wrote this over a year ago as I was so excited to be leaving the country. I was so excited to be starting a new chapter of my life. And this past year, I did experience adventure. I experienced an open world. But it wasn't what I imagined. Life isn't what I imagined. I would have never dreamed that I would be here in Indiana a year ago. I would have thought that I failed. This isn't the case at all, but it is interesting to reflect on it.
          Let's take a minute to reflect on what did happen this year. My dad got diagnosed with Parkinson's. I took part in my best friend's wedding. I moved to a new country, learned a new language, and met tons of new people. I lived my dream of backpacking around part of Europe with a dear friend (my cousin Cara). I Couchsurfed, I ran a half-marathon. I hosted visiting family and friends. I fell into depression. I struggled with decisions of what to do with life. I moved back to the United States. I became an aunt. I celebrated the 85th birthday of my Grandma Smith. I explored a new city in the U.S. I became a vegan. I moved to Indiana and started a graduate program. I mourned the death of my Grandma Schmidt.
           I think quite a year would be an understatement. I don't have many regrets about this year. Although parts of my time in Croatia were really hard, I learned so much. I experienced so much. I formed relationships that will stick with me through a lifetime. But I now realize that I am done waiting. Life is the adventure. The ups and downs became so much bigger than myself. The world was opened up to me in new exciting ways, but also I saw first hand the hard realities of life and death. And so now instead of waiting, I want to live. I want to live knowing that adventure doesn't have to be across the sea and it includes a lot of loneliness and depression. I want to live knowing that world is open and it was only in my mind that it was closed.
          I guess I need a new subtitle. Does anyone have an suggestions?

Eat Food, Not Too Much, Mostly Plants

          The title of this blog post comes from Michael Pollen's book In Defense of Food. I listened to this audiobook with my parents this summer. Although Pollen does not advocate for a vegan diet, his book has so many good things to say and has help influenced my decision to become a whole-foods vegan. I really think everyone should read this book, even if it might not interest you (my parents were kind of forced into listening to it, but even they found it really interesting). In Croatia, I didn't have too much control over my diet. I either ate in a cafeteria or cooked my own food in this tiny, really gross kitchen. It wasn't a great situation. I missed being a vegetarian and was ready for something new. I especially wanted a way to eat healthier and feel good about myself, while not counting calories or feeling guilty about eating. Whole-foods veganism was the best option for me.
          I want to say that I do not think that everyone should become vegan. However, it has now been two months and I love it. It has changed the way I approach food and eating. I eat a lot of vegetables and a lot of whole grains such as quinoa, brown rice, whole wheat couscous, and much more! When I buy non-produce, I am forced to read labels. For the first time in my life, I know exactly what is going into my body. Even if you are not interested in changing your diet, I encourage you to take a look at what you are eating. Often it is scary that so many things that you do not know what it is or even how it is pronounced is consumed. (I recently saw a facebook post about this where it encouraged people not to eat things they could not pronounce except for quinoa :) )
          I try to eat what is in season, which has been really easy so far. A friend of mine is currently interning at a farm and has brought me a lot of produce. I also get expired or bruised food at the co-op where I work. This has been such a great way to save money on groceries and be creative. I now look at what ingredients I have and then find a recipe. I have made a lot of kale chips as well as cauliflower quinoa curry, grilled zucchini hummus pizza, lentil vegetable soup. Cooking has been a great outlook and a really fun new hobby. And the food has been delicious! I feel like I eat good food all of the time, but I never feel guilty because I use healthy ingredients. The few times I have binge-ate, it has been on granola.
          I want to share more recipes on this blog, but for now I will leave you with one of my new staples, a green smoothie. It might look weird, but you cannot taste the spinach at all and instead get a peanut butter smoothie with tons of healthiness included! Who knew that being a vegan would taste so good?!? http://ohsheglows.com/2011/01/13/classic-green-monster/

If you are interested in any recipes, want to know more, or have a great recipe to share please send me an email! julias.nicole@gmail.com