I met with my spiritual director today an although we were talking about my relationship with God, I came to the realization at the session that I have not yet learned to love myself. I think I am happy with the person I am in the world, the person I am in relationship, but I am not happy with the person I am when I am alone. Someone recently brought up the poem "The Invitation," by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. I posted this poem on my blog a couple of years ago during BVS orientation, but had forgotten about it. (http://julia-exploringtheinfiniteabyss.blogspot.com/2013/07/the-invitation.html)The person mentioning this poem was thinking about some of the first lines about if I "will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive." However, what struck me then and more harshly today, is the last line... "I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments."
I love my life. As readers of this blog know, I have amazing people in my life; I take the opportunity to do things I love such as study and travel; I try to live everyday with a sense of adventure and spend time reflecting. But for some reason, I don't like my own company in the empty moments. I hate being alone and I think it is because I still carry so much self-doubt. When I am alone, I have only my thoughts and I tend to overthink situations and overcriticise myself. This leads into a vicious cycle of seeing all my insecurities and flaws at once and becoming trapped in self-hate. To escape this cycle, instead of facing my own insecurities when I am alone, I distract myself through books, tv, other people, and even sleep. Because, I hate sitting in empty moments with only myself.
As I was talking with my spiritual director, I mentioned how church was really meaningful this Sunday as we read and reflected on 1 Corinthians 13, the love chapter. As I read these verses out loud, I was struck anew at the deep, beauty in these verses that I hadn't seen before because they often seem so cliche. Here is David Moser's (my pastor) translation. "Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not envious, boastful, arrogant, or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it takes no delight with injustice but rejoices with the truth. It is always tolerant, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I felt something inside me realize that this is what I need more of in my life and actions. I remembered my Spanish teacher in Ecuador who talked about choosing love in every moment. (http://julia-exploringtheinfiniteabyss.blogspot.com/2015/06/passion-and-conversations-in-ecuador.html) Back then, I decided that I wanted to also do that. But time went on and I forgot. Yesterday, I was reminded of this and here in Corinthians we have instructions on what that means to choose love in every moment. We choose to be patent and kind and not get irritable. We choose to not insist on our own way, but be hopeful, be trusting. This is who I want to be in the world.
But my spiritual director helped me see, that I also need to have these feelings toward myself. I had voiced that it is hard for me to give myself grace. As I talked, she pointed out that I was not being patient or kind towards myself. Before I can extend this love to others, I need to learn how to love myself: not just my actions or character, but love myself in those empty moments. I need to learn to extend myself grace. I recently referred to my favorite poem "To begin with, the sweet grass," by Mary Oliver in conversation with a friend. The poem ends with the line, "Love yourself. Then forget it. Then, love the world." I explained that I need to start focusing on loving the world instead of being so self-centered. However, today, I am reconsidering that. I realize that I don't love myself in the way I should. I still need to love others and love the world, but I still have work to do when it come to loving myself and becoming okay with myself in the empty moments.
I love my life. As readers of this blog know, I have amazing people in my life; I take the opportunity to do things I love such as study and travel; I try to live everyday with a sense of adventure and spend time reflecting. But for some reason, I don't like my own company in the empty moments. I hate being alone and I think it is because I still carry so much self-doubt. When I am alone, I have only my thoughts and I tend to overthink situations and overcriticise myself. This leads into a vicious cycle of seeing all my insecurities and flaws at once and becoming trapped in self-hate. To escape this cycle, instead of facing my own insecurities when I am alone, I distract myself through books, tv, other people, and even sleep. Because, I hate sitting in empty moments with only myself.
As I was talking with my spiritual director, I mentioned how church was really meaningful this Sunday as we read and reflected on 1 Corinthians 13, the love chapter. As I read these verses out loud, I was struck anew at the deep, beauty in these verses that I hadn't seen before because they often seem so cliche. Here is David Moser's (my pastor) translation. "Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not envious, boastful, arrogant, or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it takes no delight with injustice but rejoices with the truth. It is always tolerant, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I felt something inside me realize that this is what I need more of in my life and actions. I remembered my Spanish teacher in Ecuador who talked about choosing love in every moment. (http://julia-exploringtheinfiniteabyss.blogspot.com/2015/06/passion-and-conversations-in-ecuador.html) Back then, I decided that I wanted to also do that. But time went on and I forgot. Yesterday, I was reminded of this and here in Corinthians we have instructions on what that means to choose love in every moment. We choose to be patent and kind and not get irritable. We choose to not insist on our own way, but be hopeful, be trusting. This is who I want to be in the world.
But my spiritual director helped me see, that I also need to have these feelings toward myself. I had voiced that it is hard for me to give myself grace. As I talked, she pointed out that I was not being patient or kind towards myself. Before I can extend this love to others, I need to learn how to love myself: not just my actions or character, but love myself in those empty moments. I need to learn to extend myself grace. I recently referred to my favorite poem "To begin with, the sweet grass," by Mary Oliver in conversation with a friend. The poem ends with the line, "Love yourself. Then forget it. Then, love the world." I explained that I need to start focusing on loving the world instead of being so self-centered. However, today, I am reconsidering that. I realize that I don't love myself in the way I should. I still need to love others and love the world, but I still have work to do when it come to loving myself and becoming okay with myself in the empty moments.
Oh Julia! Thank you for always writing such profound and resonating blog entries. That last line from "To begin with, the sweet grass" comes back to me again and again. So excited to do some journeying with you soon!
ReplyDeleteOh Julia! Thank you for always writing such profound and resonating blog entries. That last line from "To begin with, the sweet grass" comes back to me again and again. So excited to do some journeying with you soon!
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