I carry your heart

          Time has flown so fast here. I cannot believe that tomorrow is my last full day in Iraq before I fly to Istanbul on Tuesday and DC on Wednesday. My time here has been so full of amazing experiences and people. I fell deeply in love with this land and culture. These coming weeks I will be sharing a lot of what I have done, the people I have met, and the current situation in Kurdistan. But for now I will leave you with a poem that has been running through my head these past days. Because I have been touched beyond words can say and the people I have met have become a part of me forever.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
you go i go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                                             i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky if a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that' s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

                                                       EE Cummings

AHHHH!!!!!

          In a day I will be on the plane taking me to Istanbul! AHHHHHH!!! I cannot believe that it is actually here! And I cannot believe all that I still need to do in the next 24 hours! I really don't have time to be updating my blog, but I am doing it anyways. This week has been stressful to say the least... I have come really close to tears on many occasions. My normal week is busy, but this has just been insane with meetings, packing, friends, and schoolwork. I still have to take a test tomorrow, which I am not prepared for! But I am trying to take it one step at a time with several deep breaths and Mumford and Sons to make it through. It is comforting to know that in just 24 hours I will finally be able to just sit back and relax on my flight before the craziness of my delegation begins.

         I am really excited for the trip; I know that it is going to be a life-changing experience. I am also so glad for all the support that I have gotten. So many people are praying for me; many I don't even know! Today in chapel the campus sent me off with the following blessing: "As God's Spirit calls and the community commissions, the servants of Christ are scattered in places of need throughout the world. We accept your service as an extension of this community and pledge our support. We join with you in seeking first the kingdom of God. Consider your assignment as God at work in you, ministering to human need. May you be given a deep love for those among whom you will serve, and may Christ be known through you in word and deed. Our prayers will be with you while you are absent from us." I am so blessed to be a part of a community who truly cares for me and supports me! I am also blessed with such a great family who has been so supportive and encouraging. And my friends have been amazing giving me hugs and support... I even talked to Krissy on the phone tonight, which really made my day. I still miss that girl and I wish that she could be a part of this adventure!

         Somehow writing down my blessings has calmed me down. Hopefully now I will be able to study with a clearer mind! But really thank you to everyone who is praying and supporting me... it truly means the world to me and this trip would not be possible without you! Keep me in your prayers these next weeks and I hope to write an update as soon as I get internet, although it could be a week or so. Turkey and Iraq, ready or not, HERE I COME!

Baghdad Burning

          I stayed up until 2am last night finishing Baghdad Burning. I really just wanted to get something done on Friday so I feel more accomplished going into another busy week. However, looking back on the decision, I do not think that staying up late to read about the terrible war in Iraq before trying to sleep was a good idea. My mind was and still is spinning from everything I read. And now I have an assignment to write a "2-3 page reaction paper to what this blog reveals about the nature of the war in Iraq; American goals in Iraq, humanitarian issues, etc." SInce this book was a blog and a way to learn about the country I am going to this week (!!!), I decided that the best way for me to write this reflection is with my own blog. (Mary, I hope that this is okay for your assignment; it should end up being the same length as a regular paper.) 

          The first thing that struck me about the book and the reason why I am so affected by the book is that Riverbend (the pseudonym used to keep her identity safe) made the situation a reality for me. The war began when I was only twelve years old and at that time, it did not seem real. I remember being angry at Bush for going to war, but I never thought of the war as something people were actually living through. The numbers of deaths and casualties were just numbers. Riverbend's blogs made me for the first time begin to understand the hell people in Iraq have had to live in since the U.S. declared war. Riverbend herself now seems like someone I personally know and if we would meet we would probably be friends. She is intelligent, brave, and passionate about her country and all human rights. Reading her story was like reading a friend's blog, and it truly broke my heart. 

          The main reason that the U.S. entered the war in Iraq was because Bush believed there were Weapons of Mass Destruction, although all the reports told otherwise. Even the United Nations told the U.S. not to invade Iraq. Riverbend included in her post from November 30, 2003 how the Associated Press and scoop.co.nz posted that the nuclear program in Iraq ended in 1991 and the weapons that had existed then had been secretly destroyed. Another reason that Riverbend discusses in her blog posts that the United States justified was trying to make connections between Iraq and 9/11. In reality, there are no connections between 9/11 and Iraq and the US government knows this. However, polls have shown that Americans do not know this and the US government has not tried to break these  misconceptions. Seeing how the US government used these excuses to destroy a country makes me so mad. I joined Riverbend in her hatred of President Bush when I read these words and here especially is when I felt a deep shame of being American. 

         I found it very interesting that Riverbend never does blame Americans or expresses her hate of Americans. She is able to separate the government and soldier's actions from all citizens. She does express her hate of Bush and Donald Rumsfeld and talks about her hatred of being occupied by a foreign army, but she is always careful to include that she does not hate America and recognizes some of the good people and universities that have come from America. I think that this was one reason that I was able to easily identify with her, because I could share her hatred. 

          Another outrageous aspect of the war, which I had not realized before was how the US occupation (or "liberation" as President Bush declared it) brought out the extremists and sent the country back in terms of women's rights and other human rights issues. Before the war, Riverbend discusses how Iraq was the most civilized country in the Middle East in terms of women's rights. Women made up over half the workforce and universities in Iraq before the war. They were educated and could for the most part act and dress in any way they wanted (within a conservative culture). However, without a working government, extremists were allowed to enter the country and most women were forced to stop working and could not go outside without a male escort or even a headscarf. For women, like Riverbend who had worked as a computer programer/network administrator, this is a huge step backward and violation of human rights. 

          Speaking of human rights abuses, the most haunting images that caused a lack of sleep last night came from the images of US and British soldiers in Abu Graib. I remember this scandal, but since I had been so young, I had never learned all of the scandal. Riverbend talked about her hate so strongly and I feel that same hatred coursing through my blood as I think about it. I cannot believe those soldiers were not disciplined more. Although, I believe in restorative justice, in this case I have to admit that I wish those soldiers would just rot in prison for what they did. I think that I need to use this anger to be able to speak passionately against the war, but also work to make sure my anger does not violate other people's dignity. As much as I hate to admit, those soldiers also have dignity that I need to respect. 

          Reading this book has really taught me so much about a war that I have never understood. I also believe that it has also given my trip new meaning. I am not sure what this meaning is.... I am confused about how I feel about being a privileged white American heading into a place that is still filled with pain from a mess that the U.S. caused. However, I am excited to meet people like Riverbend and try to truly understand their situation and find ways that I can help bring peace to an area that has needed it for so long. Think of me and pray that I will be able to hear these stories and not drown in my own pain and shame, but find ways to listen and bring healing. I end this reflection with a prayer of Saint Francis, which has become the prayer of my life recently; 

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

For those interested in reading Riverbend's thoughts, her blog is http://riverbendblog.blogspot.com. Her blog ends abruptly in 2007 causing some to believe that she did not survive the war. 

I don't know...

          I don't know what to write or how to explain what I am feeling at the moment. I feel stuck between different worlds, all of which are causing different emotions, making me just confused and worn out. First thing on my mind is all the busyness I feel. I sit in meetings for at least ten hours a week and probably do work for those meetings at the very least another five hours. I also am taking thirteen credits of classes, which qualifies me as a full time student so let's say around thirty to forty hours a week. However, I am missing two weeks of said classes and am currently getting ready to take two midterms soon, meaning I am reading and studying ahead by about three weeks. I also worked twelve hours this past weekend at the farm. I have a social life that I try to maintain and still manage to sleep around eight to nine hours a night. I am constantly fighting that anxiety that is telling me that I do not have enough time.
         The second thing on my mind is that I am actually pretty happy right now. I am loving the different classes and conversations I have. I like being in leadership positions and feeling like I am making a difference on campus. I have absolutely fantastic friends, whom I have gotten to spend time with and continue to build relationships with on top of new friendships that I am forming. I am really happy with the person I have become and I really have felt more confident in myself lately than I ever have in the past. I am becoming an expert on recognizing my feelings and finding ways to build myself up even if the situation is not ideal. I find myself being able to smile easily and stay content in the face of busyness.
         Thirdly, I am going to Iraq in a little over a week. I don't know how to explain my feelings. I feel so excited to be going on a new adventure, meeting new people, learning more than I ever would in a classroom. Part of me just cannot wait to board that plane! Then there is the part of me that is scared. I have no idea what I am getting into. The news is filled with the Middle East right now and the anti-American sentiment over there; I don't know what I will face going in as a white American. I am also going into a war-zone. I know it is safe for me, but I will be hearing stories that are going to break my heart. I am going to see where devastation has hit a country and torn it to pieces and it is my government and country to blame. I am scared I won't be able to handle all the pain that I see and hear.
          Part of my fear of the pain comes from reading Baghdad burning: Girl blog from Iraq for my history of the Middle East class. The book is literally a published version of a blog of an Iraqi woman during the 2003 U.S. occupation. I never realized the reality of the situation there and what a terrible mess the U.S. made of the country. We ruined the lives of so many. Reading her words, I am so ashamed to be an American... I am ashamed of the power and privilege I possess to be able to live in a place with so much stuff and not having to live my life in fear. And I don't know what I can do to make a difference, I am ashamed but feel helpless.
         So there it all is. Well, part of it at least. I could go on about my questions on race and gender that I am exploring in classes and other feelings that go along with my different leadership positions. But when it comes down to it, I don't know how I am. I don't really know how to put together all these different emotions and experiences. I feel as if I am living multiple lives and am not sure how they go together. I don't know what to do with feelings of happiness and pride on one hand, with shame and fear on the other. I just don't know.

Classes and other happenings

          So as usual, my life continues to be constantly busy. My classes have started off well. This semester I am only taking 13 credit hours, but don't worry, I will be just as busy. I have Cultural Anthropology with Peter Dula, Race and Gender with Deanna Durham, Conflict Transformation and Mediation with Jane Ellen Reid, History of the Middle East directed study with Mary Sprunger, and Intro to History Seminar with Mark Sawin. The classes are all quite different from each other, but so far I have really enjoyed each. History of the Middle East is different because I am not in class but will be doing a lot more reading and research on my own. I really hope to do a lot on Iraq and Kurdistan for the class as I am sure the situation will interest me more after I have spent time there. For my Intro to History Seminar, I am trying to decide on a topic in which to write my Senior History paper for next semester. I am considering right now on researching Mennonites who have gone into peace work for secular or non-Mennonite organizations.
         People have been asking me about how I will be making up two weeks worth of classes when I go to Iraq. Well, I have talked to my professors, and mostly I will be doing the reading from the time gone on my own and taking my mid-term either early or late. I will then probably talk about my time in Iraq as it relates to each class. I am now scheduled to talk about my experiences in Iraq in Chapel on October 19 (less than two days after I get back!) and in a coffee house on Monday, October 29. As the time is coming closer, I am feeling all the more excited! I am trying to get through some of the pre-departure reading, which is a challenge to fit in with my course work.
          Other things are on my mind too, though. Last night we screened the documentary Blood in the Mobile about conflict minerals in Congo. Over 50 people turned out at the event! I believe that this is one of the best showings for any documentary, and I know that I have never seen Common Grounds (our campus coffee shop) so quiet! We (Josh and I) are hosting a planning meeting for the semester on Tuesday night and we hope many who were at the documentary show up for that! It feels really good to be getting student support! Tomorrow night is also the first meeting of Peace Fellowship and I have been meeting quite regularly with my co-president, Krista Nyce, to discuss and plan different events coming up. We have a lot of things planned and this month is sure to be crazy busy with peace stuff!
         Much else is happening in my life, but I cannot share everything on a space where anyone might read. Plus, I have books to read, papers to write, dinner to cook, events to plan, emails to email, and much more! So until next time my dear readers!

Iraq, here I come!

          So my faithful followers (if any of you actually exist) might remember about a year ago when I posted about the 10 year anniversary of the war in Afghanistan (http://julia-exploringtheinfiniteabyss.blogspot.com/2011/10/10-years.html) and I wrote that I hoped to join a Christian Peacemaker Teams delegation to Iraq in 2012. Well I am happy to announce that I have been accepted to join the October delegation to Iraqi Kurdistan! I am so excited for this new adventure in my life and excited to be able to share it all with you!

The trip is from October 4-17. I will be flying into Istanbul, Turkey to meet the rest of my delegation and to have a short orientation. We will then most likely fly to Diyarbakir in southeastern Turkey, traveling overland to the Kurdish Regional Government (KRG) and visiting border villages, and then going on to Suleimaniyah in Iraqi Kurdistan where I think the plan is to spend 10 days. My time in Iraq will be devoted to providing encouragement for individuals and communities experiencing violence, challenging violations of human rights and promoting active nonviolence as a means of settling disputes.

For those who don’t know much about the organization, Christian Peacemaker Teams (CPT) offers an organized, nonviolent alternative to war and other forms of lethal inter-group conflict. The organization was started because they saw soldiers willing to sacrifice their lives for freedom, yet as a peace church who believe violence and war is morally wrong, there was no option for them to show the same willingness to sacrificing one's life for peace. 

And that is exactly why I am going! I wrote last fall that "I know that at my core, I am meant to go to these war-torn areas and become an advocate of peace."Here I am a year later still feeling the calling just as strongly on my life. Although I am going to a safe part of Iraq, I understand I am still taking a risk. In order to be officially accepted for this delegation I had to write a conviction statement saying why I want to go despite the risks. Here is my response:

" In my heart there has always been a calling for something bigger. Staying in my safe      Mennonite home has never seemed like enough when the news is constantly filled with stories of people across the world dying.  I grew up with the Mennonite values of pacifism and peacemaking engrained in my mind and from early high school I knew that this was the path that I wanted to take.

So here I am ready to depart on a two-week trip to Iraqi Kurdistan. I strongly believe this is part of God’s call on my life to go and I am prepared for anything that might come my way. If something does happen and I am kidnapped, I ask that no ransom be paid and that no military or other violent action be taken for my release. In this scenario, CPT will take responsibility of communication to work for my release with nonviolence.

          As a follower of Jesus I have committed myself to the ways of nonviolence and living in love of my enemies. I truly believe that the way of nonviolence can change the world and bring about peace. However, I understand that these techniques do not always work, but as a follower of Christ I am called to faithful, not successful.

          So if something does happen to me, I hope you follow Jesus’ example and forgive those who harm me and not try to vilify them, especially to the media. Pray for them and never try to retaliate against them because this will only continue the cycle of violence that I have been trying to stop.

I believe that I can make this world a better place by being a nonviolent presence in Iraq. As Paul says in Acts 17:28, “For in God we live and move and have our being.” This is the call on my life and the one taking me to Iraq."

          I will be sure to update as I get new details about the trip. For now, keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I get ready for this new adventure and as always fell free to email me or leave comments! 

Senior Year... YIKES!

          I cannot believe that I am back at EMU for my final year of college! Where have the past three years gone?!? I got here a week ago after a fun road trip down here with my parents. We left on a Friday afternoon, drove to Cincinnati and watched a Reds game that night (in which they soundly destroyed the Cubs!!!!) then spent the night in a hotel. The next afternoon we went to the Western & Southern Open professional tennis tournament also held in Cincinnati every year. We saw the Novak Djokovic beat Juan Martin Del Potro and Roger Federer beat Stan Wawrinka in the men's semifinals (Roger went on to win the event). After tennis we drove to Charleston, West Virginia for the night before completing our journey to Harrisonburg.
          This past week I have been on campus for PA training and orientation. Here on campus a PA stands for Pastoral Assistant. As a PA, I am in charge of mentoring a group of Ministry Assistants (MA's) who lead Bible studies in the dorms, helping with Chapels, and other things Campus Ministry related. The week was really good beginning with a retreat with the other six PA's and campus pastors, then getting to know all the new MA's. Saturday, then, I helped Freshmen move into the dorms and help with a couple things for Freshmen and Transfers orientation. Part of these duties come from my new position as Student Government Association (SGA) secretary. Last spring no one ran for this position so the co-presidents nominated me as someone they believed would do a good job. SGA is mainly in charge of distributing money to different clubs and causes and it will be my job to record minutes for the meetings and meet weekly with the executive council.
          As mentioned in previous blogs, I will also be co-president of Peace Fellowship again, focusing on the Conflict-Free Campus Initiative. Josh and I are meeting tomorrow to discuss the semester and our first event, a documentary called Blood in the Mobile is showing in 2 weeks from tonight! Another fun duty I have taken on is "Chicken Mother." The Earthkeeps club on campus takes care of the campus chickens and I have volunteered to be in charge of them while the normal person is in Washington DC for the semester. As Chicken Mother I put together a list of people to feed and water them everyday and just make sure they are all right and doing anything extra that needs to be done (such as cleaning the coop that I did on Thursday). We have 13 chickens, although we think now 2 are roosters which could cause problems. I am expecting that they will become my pets as we go throughout the semester.
          If you don't think I am busy enough, I will also be working weekends at Back Home on the Farm, a local farm that has a corn maze and other fun activities for kids. I do like working in the farm environments and decided that this could be a fun way to make a little extra cash in September and October. I also will be doing some tutoring again in the Academic Support Center (where I have worked for the past two years) when they need me.
         So in between all these other roles, I also plan on taking some classes. I register today and hope to only be taking 13 credits this semester. I am not for sure on exactly what classes yet, but I will post once I have that finalized. But I can say that I am really looking forward to the ones I think I am going to take and really to the whole semester. It will be busy, but I think very rewarding. It really is crazy that I am a senior, and I don't really want this to end, but I am now realizing that there are other adventures waiting on the horizon.