The Moments You Don't Talk About

        I want to take a moment to talk about some of the moments in life that don't usually get written about. Those moments when you come down from a high. Those moments when you realize that you cannot be happy all the time and loneliness and sadness begins to set in. Not the extreme feelings of depression, but the everyday moments when you remember all of your insecurities and just want someone to recognize and appreciate you, but yet you don't make the effort to find someone. The moments when you are tired and can't seem to be brave, even though if you would, you would be happier. The moments when all you do is watch tv because then you forget the fact you are alone.
         I am not writing this post to have people worry about me, because I am in fact doing great. I am in Switzerland and am having a really good orientation. I am excited about my train trip to Croatia tomorrow (!). But, I want this blog to be honest. I don't want to remember only the good parts, but also the parts like tonight, which are quite ordinary. As I have been learning in the last few years, life does not go in a straight line, but is a series of ups and downs. These times are normal, but are rarely expressed. So here's to tonight. May I find blessing in the solitude and rest before my next adventure.

For Good

         So here I am. Tomorrow I fly to Switzerland and begin the next stage of my life. I am full of so many emotions right now. But the one word that describes me most right now is blessed. I am feeling so incredibly, overwhelmingly blessed. On Thursday I finished up with BVS's fall orientation, and I absolutely loved my three weeks in Maryland! The group of twenty-four volunteers really connected and I loved that I could feel so a part of the group, while also having staff responsibilities. Honestly, I liked this orientation more than my own. I made some lifelong friends that I know I will stay in touch with and hear about their own adventures while in BVS.
         Then on Saturday, my best friend Jana got married. It was so good to be in Berne, Indiana (where I went to high school) and celebrate with her as one of her bridesmaids. The wedding was outside and we had beautiful weather and she was the most gorgeous bride! Even though being back in the town after over two years was hard and brought back memories of many struggles I faced while living there, I was happy to reflect on how much I have grown and changed since I lived there.
          And now I am in Pandora for my last night. I have been spending a lot of quality time with my parents and my oldest brother and desperately trying to fit everything in my suitcase. I am so excited to go, but it is going to be really hard saying goodbye to my parents. We are so close and have not been away from each other for more than two years.
         However, I know this is the right move. I feel it in my gut that going to Croatia is exactly what I am supposed to do. In some ways, I feel like my whole life has been preparing me for this moment. I am excited, but I know I would not be at this place without the deep support and love of so many people. And I would not be here without some of the struggles I have been through and the people that I didn't get along with. All have taught me who I am and has changed the course of my life.
         And that brings me to the lyrics of a song. I like to have songs to take me through transitions and there are several that fit (such as John Denver's "Leaving on a Jet Plane," Anna Kendrick's "When I'm Gone," Owl City's "Gold"), but today I want to dedicate the song, "For Good" from the musical Wicked to everyone who has been there with me on this journey. I am so blessed and I have been changed by all the relationships in my life.

"I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me 
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from it's mooring 
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you.

I have been changed for good."

On Romantic Relationships

          One thing I have been always hesitant to write about on my blog has been about romantic relationships. It is a very personal subject and one that I have struggled with for a long time. However, as I have developed a greater sense of myself, I have made peace with where I am at. I am inspired by my dear friend Krissy to share with all my readers a few of my thoughts.

         First, I want to say that I have never been in a relationship. And for the longest time, I have felt shame because of this. Our society is one that focuses so much around romance and couples, that it is strange when a twenty-two year old has never been in a relationship. I have often felt abnormal, and thus embarrassed by this fact. I hate to say it out loud, but I wondered if there was something wrong with me that no one seemed interested. My mentor would tell me that guys were intimidated by my self-confidence, but I never bought that.

         But I am now realizing that I have nothing to be embarrassed about. In the time when others have been falling in love and worrying about crushes, I have been out living my life. I just graduated from college and had the best four years of my life! I do not need a romantic partner to feel whole. In the last four years I have done so much and learned so much about myself. Although I would have been open to a relationship, I can't imagine what that experience would have been like with one. Relationships take time, which means I would have had to give up something else during my time at EMU,  and I can't imagine what that would have been. My life would be so different right now. And I honestly am really happy with where I am right now and would not want anything different.

          As I have continued to ponder these things, I have come to the conclusion that even if I never fell in love, I would still have a happy, and fulfilled life. I admit that at some point I would like start a relationship and eventually get married, but I could do without. I have so many dreams and aspirations that are more important to me and the person I enter into a relationship with would have to want to see those dreams with me. I also have so many deep, fulfilling relationships with friends, that I don't need a romantic partner to make it through. I am deeply loved and cared for by so many people.

        I also do not develop serious crushes very easily. There have really been only three guys that I have developed serious crushes for. Two of these have been in the last year. But with both of them, I developed the crushes, not because I feel like I need to be in a relationship, but because they are really great guys that have a lot of amazing qualities. I was brave enough to tell the last one how I felt and although it didn't work out, I felt so empowered by the experience. I was able to be vulnerable and express my feelings while staying true to who I am. 

          I don't know what the future holds. But I am finally at the point where I am comfortable with being myself and knowing that is enough. I am open to a relationship, but I am not living my life looking for one. (But don't be intimidated by this self-confidence!) There are so many adventures ahead of me and I cannot wait to see where life takes me!

        

A Month in Elgin

          I often forget how crazy life can get. Emotions can change in a blink of an eye and you learn how to transition. Humans are pretty incredible in how they can adapt and survive. And in these crazy transitions I often find that I can't seem to find the words to write or even the motivation. But I have made it my goal to try to catch up. I got an incredible amount of views on my last post and I feel like I should clarify part of my thought process... My blog is my journal and shows one point in time. I have struggled with my faith, but that is honestly only a small piece of what is happening and what I have been thinking about. I feel like it might have seemed more dramatic than it actually is. Especially in the last couple of weeks, I have thought very little about this struggle as I have been busy and my thoughts are elsewhere.    

         I do want to share a bit about my time in Elgin. I spent a month working for BVS at the headquarters of the Church of the Brethren. Since I overlapped with someone else it was sometimes a challenge to always find something to be working on. However, looking back, I actually got a lot accomplished in the time I was there. I enjoyed helping get things together for the fall orientation. The BVS staff is just really great and I am so thankful for this great organization I have joined. I really feel like I am in the right place and have been able to see what a ministry and blessing BVS is on people's lives. 

          Although I was there for work, I tried to get the most out of my time in Elgin. My first weekend my dear friend Amy came to visit and we walked all over town and saw what there is to discover. Elgin is technically a suburb of Chicago, but didn't really feel like one to me. There are all these old Victorian houses everywhere (mostly rundown) and everyone is so friendly. I loved running and everyone I pass smiling and greeting me. One woman even encouraged me... "You can do it! You can do it!" It seemed like a cool place with a river running through the middle and a huge city library.

          Being so close to Chicago, I was able to take the train in several times. I actually made it six times in the four weeks. Two of those times were for Cubs games. A couple of people gave me nd the house tickets since they knew we were poor and couldn't afford it ourselves. Another Saturday I met two of my good college friends, Lisle and Elias downtown Chicago. We walked all around, went out to eat with Lisle's parents, explored an used book store and an art museum, then played games back at my house in Elgin. Another afternoon was spent at the Jazz Festival. I went with my housemate Jenna and met up with two BVSers from my orientation. There, I made a friend with a five year old boy named Michael and played and danced with him while his parents listened to the jazz.

          The last weekend, Jenna and I went to Chipotle's Cultivate Festival. My dearest friend Jana came in from Goshen and we listened to some great bands as well as learned about the terribleness of factory farms and got coupons for free burritos! The day was great, except for the fact that the many miles of walking gave my feet terrible blisters! The next day Jana and I went back into Chicago and went to Navy Pier. It was a great time hanging out and being together one last time before I leave and she gets married. I cannot believe that her wedding is only two weeks away!!! I am so excited for her special day and am excited to celebrate with her!

          My time in Elgin came to a close with a perfect night with my housemates. We all had a good dinner together (chili, corn bread, and pineapple) then went out to ice cream, then played a board game. I was only there a short time, but I got close with my housemates and it was a bit sad lea Inge, knowing that I would not be coming back. After spending almost a week at home, I am now back in New Windsor for the fall orientation.

Losing My Faith Again

          My blog is really a journal I keep. As an extrovert, I do not do well with recording my thoughts and feelings, when I would so much rather talk with someone about them. However, I really like to write and thus a blog is the perfect way to write/journal and share what I am thinking with others. As my journal, I try to make it as honest as possible. I truly want to have a record of where I was during a certain moment in time, realizing that who I am is always changing. It is really incredible as I have read back over my writings in the past two years to see where I have struggled and where I have changed. It might not be the healthiest to put all my feelings out in public domain where anyone might come across it, but I have learned not to be ashamed of who I am, even if others might disagree and I might change later.
         All that to say is that faith is one area where I am been struggling and I am want to be honest with myself of where I am at right now. The truth is I believe I have lost my faith. I titled this blog entry, "Losing My Faith Again" after reading my blog post from a year ago, "Finding My Faith Again" (http://julia-exploringtheinfiniteabyss.blogspot.com/2012/08/finding-my-faith-again.html). As I have gone throughout this past year (which really has been one of the best years of my life), I find myself having so many more questions about God that I cannot find satisfactory answers. I find myself drawn to the church (I was a faithful church attender this past year at Shalom Mennonite in Harrisonburg), while at the same time, getting farther and farther from God.
         I will not go into my specific questions right now (as there are a lot of them concerning God and God's role in the world), but I wanted to express how I feel kind of caught. On one hand, I want to have faith and be a reckless believer of an all-loving God. I love the idea of nuns who "marry" God. They are so sure in their beliefs that they literally spend their lives living as Christ. I think that kind of love is beautiful and romantic. I am drawn to Mennonite theology and want to spend my life in service and of love to others around me. I agree fully with the ideas of simple-living, peacemaking, and service. And for a lot of people, it is God who inspires these ideas. But, as much as I want to, I don't feel this God and I don't see this God working in the world. And I understand that faith is more than seeing, but with all my questions, faith in God just doesn't make sense. As much as I like the idea of God, I can't seem to fully believe.
         But I can't not believe either. Last week I found myself just wanting so badly to be able to call myself an atheist. I think life in many ways makes sense without a God. I read a book a few years back called "Good Without God: What a Billion Nonreligious People Do Believe" by Greg Epstein. The book talked about humanism and I found myself agreeing with most everything in the book. It made sense... I think the world without a God makes sense. But even so, I couldn't quite convince myself there wasn't a God. And now, when I have more questions than ever and am at a point when I would be open enough to say I am an atheist, I cannot ignore something in me telling me that God exists.
         Where does that leave me? At orientation I declared myself to be agnostic for the first time. I have never liked the idea of agnosticism... not quite believing, but not quite an atheist. It seemed somehow weak and shallow. But that is where I am right now. I think it will change... I don't think that I will stay agnostic for too long. My spiritual director has no doubts that I will find my faith again. I am not as sure as she, but I am hoping in my time abroad, where I am away from everything I have known, I will find some sort of clarity, be it one way or the other. As always, I am open to hear anyone's thoughts (julias.nicole@gmail.com).

Becoming a Different Version of Myself

         Last night my house had spiritual directing. It was led by a man from our church (Highland Ave. Church of the Brethren) and is a monthly activity for whoever is living in the BVS house in Elgin at the time. I have to admit that I was ot really looking forward to the time, but it was actually really helpful as we did an activity called Lectio Devino with a picture instead of a Bible verse. As we reflected on a picture we were allowed to explore the different thoughts and images coming to us and reflect how our life is like a work of art. 

         Something in the picture reminded me of Europe, which in turn reminded me of one of my favorite movies, Chocolat. For anyone who has not seen it, I whole-heartedly recommend watching it. The main character in the movie is this woman who comes to a French village and opens a chocolate shop during Lent. The town and especially the church are aghast. I love the movie because it invites us to not play into the status quo, but challenge others and to truly be yourself. The main character always wears bright red shoes and refuses to do what is expected in the small town. However, she is also extremely loving and brings new life and energy to the town. In many ways, she is who I want to be. 

         During transitions, I often lose sight of who exactly I am. I have worked really hard to develop who I am during the last four years and am really satisfied with where I am. However, now that I am away from EMU, I find myself second-guessing myself. I think a lot more about how others are perceiving me and forget the things that make me me. I try to do my best to be quiet and fit in. At times like these I long to be the woman in Chocolat who can just come straight into a place and be herself, red shoes and all. What scares me even more is that soon I will be transitioning to Croatia. Not only will I be in another new place, communication will be really hard and it will be impossible to be the self I was at EMU.

        So how do I transition? Who do I be? One of my housemates asked me last night if I was okay with being a different version of myself. And I do not know that I am. I want people to know me and see me how I was this last year at EMU: full of confidence, leadership, craziness, and adventure. But, I realize that it won't be completely possible, especially during my first year in Croatia when I am just learning basic sentences in Croatian. I won't be able to express myself as usual, and I will be learning all new skill sets, which means that I won't have a leadership role and I most likely won't be confident.

        Usually when I write a blog post, I have something worked out, be it a reflection or an answer to a question I have been wondering. But this time, I don't. I truly don't know what I am going to do or be in Croatia. In many ways it is really exciting; this is why I chose some place so far away. I want to push myself and grow. However, I am also really nervous. I don't know what to expect and I won't have people and things that remind me who I am. So I am asking you, my readers. How have you dealt with transitions and becoming different versions of yourself? What expectations should I have, if any? Any other thoughts on being yourself? I would love to hear some responses, then post (anonymously) some of the responses in my next post. Please email me at julias.nicole@gmail.com... it would mean a lot to me!

         I have decided to bring with me a couple different reminders. First, I have some of my favorite pictures from the last year to hang on my walls. Second, I am bringing my favorite mug (that was given as a present at the end of the school year) and some Iraqi tea to remind me of all the tea parties I hosted this last year and the people and conversations that have shaped me. Thirdly, I am bringing a pair of bright red TOMS to remind me to not being afraid of being myself and standing out from the crowd. Lastly, I would love to bring with me letters of encouragement and support from people to open when I need to be reminded of who I am. If you would like to send a letter or card with me to Croatia, please send it to my home address (Julia Schmidt, PO Box 387, Pandora, OH 45877) before October 15. This way, when I am feeling down and lonely and nothing like the person I was, I will have something to open and be reminded of the person I really am and look for ways to be her despite all the difficulties I might encounter. Thank you in advance for all the notes! :)

BVS Orientation

          As I completed my two and a half week orientation for Brethren Volunteer Service on Saturday, I had many thoughts running through my head. One of them was that I needed sleep. I could not wait to be in my own bed and have some time away from other people. Being with twenty-six other people pretty much constantly for that long was draining my energy and I was ready to depart and have a break before beginning my time of service. However, as glad as I was to have orientation end, I began to miss people on my way home. You see, I met some pretty amazing people in my orientation. I heard a lot of inspiring stories and experienced new things. As little time as it was, orientation taught me quite a few things, things that will be essential as I move on to my time of service.

          I have been asked many times what I did for two and a half weeks. And the answer is a whole variety of things. We had special speakers come in to talk about different subjects related to service and the Church of the Brethren. We watched documentaries and performed acts of service in the community. We travelled to Harrisburg, PA for a weekend. We ate together, cooked together (under a really tight budget!), and hung out together. And it was in this togetherness where I learned more about myself and the workings of God (or the universe) in others. 

         The most important part of orientation for me was the sharing of our faith journeys. We all had to visually represent our faith journeys on a piece of paper, then share with the whole group our story. I have done this activity several times before, but it is always meaningful. And this time even the more so. Honestly, I often forget that everyone else has a story with hard things they have dealt with.  I get so wrapped up in my own worries and life journey, that I do not realize that hardships others have gone through/are going through. Learning people's journeys of faith changed the dynamics of the group, at least for me. I saw people more than just who I had seen them be, but as a the person they have emerged into. We had created a safe space and people were very vulnerable with what they shared. And I appreciated them all the more for it.
         And now it is my job to help plan and run the next BVS orientation. I am just finishing up my first week here in Elgin in the BVS office. Although I am a little exhausted from the transition and getting used to a new job, place, house, and housemates, I am enjoying it. Orientation was a meaningful time for me and I look forward to trying to create the same environment for the next group.