Learning to grow up

          Life often feels like a roller coaster. In the course of a week, I feel like I have so many ups and downs. This last week was no exception but in many ways the ups and downs seemed a lot more intensified. I learned last week about some news that might be life-changing for me. I cannot write about it now, but it was the kind of news that shook me to the core and made me reexamine the meaning of life. Luckily, instead of finding out hard news and then departing for a whole new life in Europe and not having the space or people to process with, I am in a community that deals daily with hard questions.
          My seminary experience so far has been one in which we look at hard questions from both an academic point of view, as well as a deeply personal one. On Friday, after spending some time in personal reflection I talked with my academic adviser about the deep struggles I have with God, especially in light of recent events in my life. My adviser allowed the space for my struggles and encouraged me to keep asking them in spite of there not being many answers. However, he also helped me see the space for where God is at work. He took the time to listen, give me advice both academically and spiritually, and then he prayed for me. I was overcome with thankfulness that I am in the space where I have people like this to walk with me and challenge me; challenge me in my questions, challenge me in my assumptions, and challenge me in my faith, all while walking right there beside me. I feel truly blessed to be in this space. 
          I then had a really terrific weekend. Friday night, I went over to my friend Katie's house and we cooked a delicious meal and just talked for hours. Saturday night, I hosted my first couch surfers! Ever since joining couch surfing back in January, I have looked forward to the time when I would have my own place and could host travelers. When I moved to Elkhart, I was not really expecting people to come, but last week I received a request from a guy and his girlfriend traveling back to Wisconsin after spending time in Massachusetts with friends. They were organic farmers and were so excited to cook and eat real food after time spent on the road. As usual, I have tons of vegetables from work and my friend who works on a local farm, so my couch surfers just took over and cooked a great vegetable, lentil curry. I then took them to a game night at a friend's house and stopped by a birthday party of another friend. On Sunday morning, I made oatmeal and smoothies and sent them on their way. Before they left, they recorded me a song (they had a band together). It was just a really great time of connecting over food, song, and friendship.
          Sunday was another great day as I connected with a new friend, walking and talking, and then Katie came over to my apartment and we cooked another great meal and talked again for hours. I might have gotten no homework accomplished, but I felt accomplished because I did work for 8 hours on Saturday at the food co-op, but I also had three sit-down healthy, amazing dinners with friends. I was able to be a host and take time to deepen relationships in my life. I was able to be fully present in where I was.
          This week has already had more ups and downs. I have been feeling a little sick and have not been sleeping too well, which has made me a bit crabby and unmotivated to work. I have also had some good discussions with my roommate about what we both need in terms of living together. As I have learned in the past, I am a conflict avoider. If I think there is any hint of what could be conflict, I run away and hide within myself. This means that I don't often express my own needs. This was a problem when I was living in Croatia and was one of the reasons that I ended back in the U.S. But yesterday, I forced myself into conversation about my needs and my roommate's needs and it was really good. There was no conflict, and we came to a place of understanding each other better. I felt that I had really made strides in my own development.
          All in all, I think in this past week I have learned a lot more about what it means to be a grown-up. I do not think of myself as grown-up, but I am discovering new ways of how to deal with life as it comes. I am learning to go get help and talk to people instead of carrying my burdens alone. I am learning about how to host people in my own space and allow them to feel welcome. I am learning to cook on my own and share the joy of eating with friends and strangers. I am learning how to recognize my weaknesses, but pushing through uncomfortable places to build more authentic relationships. I am learning to balance my time and energy. I am learning to grow up.

Meeting the world with my arms wide open

          I decided that I would change my tagline to "meeting the wold with my arms wide open." I really like the idea of meeting. To me, it means that the world is coming to me. Life is happening and as we all know, things can change so quickly. But instead of waiting on life, or running away, I am going up and saying "Here I am!" I want to be open to new ideas and new adventures. I want to be open to new people. I know, however, that I might get hurt. A friend wrote to me recently that I "take the world on bravely and eagerly, and then sometimes get a little bruised in the process. Which is normal, and probably worth it for the real experiences." The world can be a tough place as this last year has proved. But I also know it to be a place of unspeakable beauty and uncontainable love. And in that hope, I am meeting it head on with a smile on my face and my arms reaching out.

Done with Waiting

          As I was redoing the look of my blog yesterday, I read the subtitle; "Waiting for an adventure bigger than me. Waiting for a world about to open." I wrote this over a year ago as I was so excited to be leaving the country. I was so excited to be starting a new chapter of my life. And this past year, I did experience adventure. I experienced an open world. But it wasn't what I imagined. Life isn't what I imagined. I would have never dreamed that I would be here in Indiana a year ago. I would have thought that I failed. This isn't the case at all, but it is interesting to reflect on it.
          Let's take a minute to reflect on what did happen this year. My dad got diagnosed with Parkinson's. I took part in my best friend's wedding. I moved to a new country, learned a new language, and met tons of new people. I lived my dream of backpacking around part of Europe with a dear friend (my cousin Cara). I Couchsurfed, I ran a half-marathon. I hosted visiting family and friends. I fell into depression. I struggled with decisions of what to do with life. I moved back to the United States. I became an aunt. I celebrated the 85th birthday of my Grandma Smith. I explored a new city in the U.S. I became a vegan. I moved to Indiana and started a graduate program. I mourned the death of my Grandma Schmidt.
           I think quite a year would be an understatement. I don't have many regrets about this year. Although parts of my time in Croatia were really hard, I learned so much. I experienced so much. I formed relationships that will stick with me through a lifetime. But I now realize that I am done waiting. Life is the adventure. The ups and downs became so much bigger than myself. The world was opened up to me in new exciting ways, but also I saw first hand the hard realities of life and death. And so now instead of waiting, I want to live. I want to live knowing that adventure doesn't have to be across the sea and it includes a lot of loneliness and depression. I want to live knowing that world is open and it was only in my mind that it was closed.
          I guess I need a new subtitle. Does anyone have an suggestions?

Eat Food, Not Too Much, Mostly Plants

          The title of this blog post comes from Michael Pollen's book In Defense of Food. I listened to this audiobook with my parents this summer. Although Pollen does not advocate for a vegan diet, his book has so many good things to say and has help influenced my decision to become a whole-foods vegan. I really think everyone should read this book, even if it might not interest you (my parents were kind of forced into listening to it, but even they found it really interesting). In Croatia, I didn't have too much control over my diet. I either ate in a cafeteria or cooked my own food in this tiny, really gross kitchen. It wasn't a great situation. I missed being a vegetarian and was ready for something new. I especially wanted a way to eat healthier and feel good about myself, while not counting calories or feeling guilty about eating. Whole-foods veganism was the best option for me.
          I want to say that I do not think that everyone should become vegan. However, it has now been two months and I love it. It has changed the way I approach food and eating. I eat a lot of vegetables and a lot of whole grains such as quinoa, brown rice, whole wheat couscous, and much more! When I buy non-produce, I am forced to read labels. For the first time in my life, I know exactly what is going into my body. Even if you are not interested in changing your diet, I encourage you to take a look at what you are eating. Often it is scary that so many things that you do not know what it is or even how it is pronounced is consumed. (I recently saw a facebook post about this where it encouraged people not to eat things they could not pronounce except for quinoa :) )
          I try to eat what is in season, which has been really easy so far. A friend of mine is currently interning at a farm and has brought me a lot of produce. I also get expired or bruised food at the co-op where I work. This has been such a great way to save money on groceries and be creative. I now look at what ingredients I have and then find a recipe. I have made a lot of kale chips as well as cauliflower quinoa curry, grilled zucchini hummus pizza, lentil vegetable soup. Cooking has been a great outlook and a really fun new hobby. And the food has been delicious! I feel like I eat good food all of the time, but I never feel guilty because I use healthy ingredients. The few times I have binge-ate, it has been on granola.
          I want to share more recipes on this blog, but for now I will leave you with one of my new staples, a green smoothie. It might look weird, but you cannot taste the spinach at all and instead get a peanut butter smoothie with tons of healthiness included! Who knew that being a vegan would taste so good?!? http://ohsheglows.com/2011/01/13/classic-green-monster/

If you are interested in any recipes, want to know more, or have a great recipe to share please send me an email! julias.nicole@gmail.com

Back Home Again in Indiana

          I never thought that the day would come when I would call Indiana my home again. I also never imagined that I would be happy living in Northern Indiana, but here I am. I moved about four weeks ago to Elkhart to begin my graduate studies here at AMBS (Anabaptist Mennonite Biblical Seminary). And although this last week was a little rough and things have been pretty hectic, I am loving it here.
          My feelings after Friday afternoon Church and Race class really sums up my thoughts so far. The class was talking about Christian ethics and it included a great discussion with a phenomenal professor. I realized then that I like studying theology the same reason I started studying philosophy in my undergraduate: through the lense of philosophy you can look at any topic; science, religion, economics, all of it was applicable to philosophy. Theology is the same. For example, this week AMBS hosted a conference on land and faith. Land and ideas such as food justice are strongly Biblical. But unlike philosophy, with theology we have a focus. We are focused on what it means to do life in the context of following of Jesus. This not only focuses our studies, it makes our studies applicable to our lives right now. It is not just some abstract ideas, but about the way we live our lives.
          I might be totally nerdy, but I am really excited about this right now. I am so excited to be studying theology and to be back in the academic world discussing questions and beliefs. If you are a long-time follower of my blog, you know that my faith journey has had its ups and downs. But here, I am beginning to see the great variety of theological thought and faith formation. There are so many different viewpoints and ways of relating to God. And here, we can have meaningful conversations and not get upset, but discuss together in order that we might all learn and might all become better followers of Jesus Christ, even if the ways we do that and the language we use differ vastly. Here, I have found a safe place to ask my questions while being a part of a larger community full of differences and full of love.
          Because these discussions are not taking place just inside of class, but are being lived. I honestly did not know if places better than EMU existed, but here I have found a new community and new sense of being. It is different than EMU because the size is smaller and people are more grown up. Because of this, the community is stronger. There is no hierarchy between professors and students and thus discussions take place at community meals, break times, chapel, and even during ultimate frisbee. These are the activities I take part in with my fellow students, faculty, and staff. We are living out what we are learning in our classes.
          For these reasons, I kind of think everyone should come to seminary! Seminary is not just about becoming church leaders, but questioning our faith and finding ways together to be the body of Christ. I honestly don't know if I am going to use what I learn here as part of a future career, but I don't care. I am going to use what I learn here in life! I think that anyone is wanting to go deeper in their faith and wanting to study more academically should consider going to seminary as a preparation for any career, if it be a pastor, marine biologist, or an astronaut. Here, you are accepted as you are and get to learn with people from different walks of life, very talented professors, and an amazing community.
          And so thus I begin this new journey. I am taking four classes this semester, although one of those was a hybrid that will be over shortly. These classes are Leadership Education in an Anabaptist Perspective, Christian Attitudes Toward War, Peace, and Revolution, Christian Theology I, and Church and Race. It is a lot of work as I am also working almost 25 hours a week to pay rent and such (I work 7ish hours a week at the library on campus, 4ish hours a week on Southside Mennonite Fellowship's Communicator (this is the church I now attend), and another 16 hours a week at a local food co-op.) I am getting very passionate about my studies (as hopefully I have portrayed) and I feel that other parts of my life are also coming together. Next post will be about another one of my new passions, cooking and eating a whole foods plant-based diet!

For Grandma Schmidt

          I am not sure if I have the words to write what I want to say today. I found out last night that my Grandma Schmidt died. I have never been that close my Grandma Schmidt (unlike my Grandma Smith whom you might remember as the one I saw this summer in celebration of her 85th birthday and took a road trip with to Colorado two years ago) and for the last few years Grandma Schmidt has suffered from dementia. I only went a couple of times since she stopped remembering who I was, so I still think of her as healthy and herself. My relationship with her had always been complicated and her death brings up some complicated feelings. I am happy that her suffering is finally over, but I grieve because she was my grandma and I loved her, even if I never felt that she was the role model I wanted in my life.
          As I learn more the older I get, I realize that humans are complicated and our ideas of how life should be is never the reality. Grandma Schmidt was not someone who I saw as a role model, but yet as I look over her life as I have experienced it, I am able to find many things that have been passed down to me for which I am really grateful. The first thing is her love for the church and for God. She made sure her sons went to a Christian high school and college. And even as their faith differed from hers, they both ended up as pastors for some parts of their lives. Faith was essential and even as I have struggled with my own faith, I am thankful for the strong Mennonite tradition that has been emphasized and the openness to a deep relationship with God. I think what struck me the most about the times I visited her in the last couple of years was that she would barely converse at all, but when my dad asked her if she would like to have a Bible verse read, she would perk up and respond that she would really like that. In her last months and years, it was her faith that stayed strong and was what she remembered and valued in life.
          The second thing I remember about my grandma was love. The love was not perfect and often was not what I thought it should be. However, I have no doubt that she loved me and that she really loved my dad. You could just see how proud she was of him. She was proud that he became a pastor and was proud that he was her son. She really loved him. And she loved me. Through knowing her, I came to know that love is a choice. Human love is not always perfect and we don't always show our love in the right way. I firmly believe that we were put on this earth to love. We have the choice to love, even when it's hard. Sometimes loving family members can be difficult because you don't chose who you end up with. However, I believe it is always worthwhile to chose to love even when it is hard. By choosing love, we are able to see each other in a different light. We allow for imperfections while realizing that those imperfections don't matter. What matters is that we are human and are in this life together. There is good in all because we are all made in the image of God. And when we truly love, we reach our full potential as humans.
         So tonight I want to honor a woman who has affected my life in many more ways that I now realize. Tonight I want to honor my grandma, Jeannette Schmidt. I don't know what happens after we die, but I hope you know Grandma that I love you and that I am so thankful for the faith and love that got passed down to me. I am thankful that you were a part of my journey and part of who I am. May you go into peace and go into the deep love that is God.

Babies, biking, and more adventures

          The last few weeks have been full of excitement for me. On July 16th, I drove to Kansas with my parents. That night, my nephew, Ethan James Schmidt was born. He is the cutest, most lovable baby ever (in my unbiased opinion)!!! I am so excited to be an aunt for a first time and look forward to the years ahead as I spoil that boy! I want to be the really cool aunt in his life- the person Ethan can come to with anything and know that I will love him unconditionally and will be a safe place for him. I was so happy to be in Kansas for his first week and spend time with him in the hospital and at home. I stayed up one night at the hospital to help my brother and sister-in-law out (I cannot imagine doing all they do alone!) and it was so rewarding to be with Ethan in those hours and reconnect with his parents.
          Also, while in Kansas, my grandma turned 85. We had a big party to celebrate. I really enjoyed spending time with some of my cousins who I rarely get to see. I also enjoyed being with my grandma once again. She is a really special person in my life and it had been a year since I had seen her. During my time in Kansas, I also got to bike with my dad. Since having my bike in Croatia, I have been more passionate about wanting to bike more, so it was great bringing along our bikes and seeing different scenery. Most days we would end up at a great coffee shop where we would split a cinnamon roll and drink coffee. Biking, coffee, conversation with my dad... what could be better?! Since I have no job, I decided that I had no reason to go home, so I decided to let my parents go home without me and I would stay and take my grandma to Colorado.
          As I have mentioned many times in this blog, Colorado is my favorite place on earth. I can't fully describe the feeling of being up in the mountains. All I know is that I belong there. And I cannot stand not being there... as soon as I finish up my degree at AMBS (Anabaptist Mennonite Biblical Seminary), I am determined to move out there. My grandma and I had a great time being at her cabin and exploring some nearby towns. To end our trip, we drove to Denver to visit one of my cousins, his wife, and their 9 1/2 month baby. He was also really cute. We then drove back to Kansas, where I got to have coffee with my friend Miriam (the girl whom I visited in Sarajevo...http://julia-exploringtheinfiniteabyss.blogspot.com/2013/12/a-different-type-of-thanksgiving.html) and then spent one last evening with Ethan. I flew the next day to Minneapolis.
          From July 29 to August 7, I was with my two really good friends, Lisle and Elias. Lisle had visited me in Croatia, but really wanted to see me again. We figured that this might be one of the last time that I had a good chunk of time I could come and spend time with them. Even though they both had to work during the day, the visit turned out amazing!!! We did so many great things! We visited a contemporary art museum, we attempted geocaching, we went shopping (thrift stores, REI, and the Mall of America), we spent the weekend camping at Wild River State Park, we went paddleboarding, we did archery, we went to a Twins baseball game, we played board games, we played tennis, we cooked, and much, much more! I love them so much and it was great to spend such quality time with them.
          I was also happy to explore a new city. Since I had the days to myself, I planned a couple of adventures. I borrowed a bike from a couchsurfer and spent one day riding all around many lakes and bike paths. It felt so good to be out by myself and just enjoy the city. I met for lunch a neat cafe with some couchsurfers and had this amazing experience of connecting with strangers. We talked a lot about how to be authentic in the world and positive and negative egos. Somehow, they managed to get me to talk about all my insecurities. It might be strange that it happened with strangers, but it felt so great to verbalize them and still be completely accepted. I also visited the Minneapolis Institute of Art by myself and became friends with some of the guards. I ended up having a great, long conversation with a really awesome guy. It was nice to make friends and connect with random people in a new city.
          And now it is time for me to get to work. I have an online class that starts today and I have begun to search for a job in Elkhart. If anyone knows of anything, I would love to hear! I really need something part-time to pay for housing and food. But even though job-searching is not fun, I am at a really good place in my life. I have had some epic adventures these past couple of weeks, and I look forward to what is to come.