Falling Hard into Reality

          When you are little you just believe that everything is going to work out. You can do anything you want when you grow up and the world is wide open. Looking at my life so far, I have held onto this belief for a long time. The plans I have had for the future might have changed, but I always felt that the whole world was at my fingertips. I believed that everything was going to fall into place and everything I had been dreaming of would happen. I believed that every opportunity would be open and for years I did get everything I wanted. However, I am learning now that life is not like this.
          This past week has been on me as I did not get an internship I really wanted, did not receive a scholarship I was sure I would get, and have begun working a job I really do not like. The rejection hurt really bad, especially the internship. I applied for MCC's summer internship at the U.N. Liaison office in NYC. This was my dream job and I believed that my application was really strong with my high academic standing, campus leadership and involvement, and work experience. But, I did not even receive an interview. Working with the United Nations while acting on my Mennonite convictions is my dream and I felt it being crushed. What scared me even more than not receiving the internship was that my future also seems to be on the balance right now.
          I want to go work in the human rights field. Although there is a lot of need in this field, there are not a lot of jobs. The jobs that exist usually require a masters degree and work experience. These jobs do not pay a lot, but I have not cared because I just want to help people. I have never gotten too down about this, though, because I truly believed things would work out. But now, I was not even able to get an interview within the Mennonite church. If nothing else, I believed my Mennonite connections would help me. If I cannot get an unpaid internship with MCC how in the world will I be able to get a job? How will I even be able to make it into graduate school? If I get into graduate school, I have no money to pay for it. All of a sudden I have felt my future come crashing down on top of my head.
          This week I have also begun my summer job. I am working at Suter's Produce http://www.suterproduce.com/. I worked almost 40 hours this past week picking and selling strawberries. I really love my bosses and enjoy immensely working in the little red barns selling the produce. However, getting up at 5:15 every morning to go pick has not been fun. I am not a morning person and even more than this, picking strawberries is really hard work! My back and legs hurt so badly! My knees are completely bruised and I am really slow, which is bad since I am paid by how many buckets I pick. I know I should not complain because it is a good job and will not last too long (strawberry season is only about three weeks), but with the lack of sleep and the other disappointments it has been hard to stay positive.
          So where do I go from here? I really do not know what to do anymore. The rest of the summer will be spent working on the farm and visiting my grandma in Kansas and hopefully Colorado. I hope to do a lot more reading and maybe studying for the GRE, but other than that I honestly do not know what the future holds. And for the first time in my life, I am really scared.

Missing Europe

          I am sitting in a Panera Bread right now in Reading, PA. I came from Anna Hershey's house this morning after dropping her off at work bright and early. I have had such a great trip so far. I really love traveling and seeing a different part of the country. Pennsylvania is really a beautiful state! Traveling also always reminds me of Europe and all of the adventures I had last semester. When I left Europe in December I was so happy to be coming home. I was so homesick and could not wait to be back where I felt I belonged. The first month or two of being back was so good and hard at the same time. I struggled with finding meaning from my trip. My friends returning from EMU Cross Cultural trips all seemed so excited about their time in some third-world country experiencing a lifestyle completely different than anything else they had ever experienced.

          But I had gone to Western Europe. I took classes that I did not really enjoy and spent most of my time with other Americans. Sure there had been some good times, but was it really worth it? I was back at EMU and loving being involved with everything, having a million friends, taking leadership positions, and really feeling like I belonged. However, this feeling did not last long as I hit some bumps. I took on too much with 18 credits, auditing another class, working two jobs, and being president of three clubs on campus. The stress became too much and I was having some personal problems on top of that. I was also missing Krissy like crazy. Suddenly, being back was not as great as I thought it would be. I began to miss Europe.

          This last semester was not all bad. There were some really great parts and life-changing experiences that I am still processing and hope to share. And by the end, I had reconciled my experience in Europe. Classes that I had taken in Europe started to become relevant to other things I was studying. Looking back now, I think that International Law and European Peace and Security Studies were probably two of the most relevant classes I have had in college for the career path that I hope to take. Even my internship has seemed to have more meaning now that I am back. And now, I miss Europe so much! Little things will remind me of something that happened and I find myself talking about Europe more than what people are interested in. I miss the cities that I explored and the friends that I made. I might have become close to mostly Americans, but they were Americans whom I would have never had met otherwise.

          I have realized that Belgium really was the perfect choice for me. As more EMU groups have come back, I see that I would not have enjoyed traveling with a large group. I love that I had some core friends, but I did not have to spend all my time with them. I had so much time on my own to explore and be independent. I needed the chance to go somewhere where no one knew me and get out of my Mennonite bubble. I wanted my own adventure to explore the infinite abyss and see the world without always having a strict schedule. And I did! I went out and saw so many new places and lived in a place where I did not always feel like I fit in. I learned so much about myself and now have memories that I will never forget! Even the bad times do not seem nearly as terrible. I do not know when I will get back to Europe, but right now, I cannot wait. 

Back, Ready for Adventure

          I meant to keep up my blog after I returned from Europe, but things have been so busy that I never did get back to it. Now, it is summer I made it one of my summer goals to start writing again. A lot of things happened this last semester that I want to reflect on. A lot is happening this summer that I want to reflect on. So here I am, ready once again to explore the infinite abyss and all the possibilities the world has to offer, even if I am not out galavanting the world.

          I do mean to do some galavanting, though. Today, I am leaving for a mini road trip. I am first heading to Millersburg, OH to spend the night with my friend Eva. Then, I shall spend a day in Orrille with my brother Ryan. On Sunday I shall head to Scottdale, PA to spend a couple days with my friend Anna Weaver. We plan to go into Pittsburgh for a day for exploration and fun. On Tuesday I will head to Harleysville, PA to celebrate my friend Anna Hershey's twenty-first birthday! I will stay with her the rest of the week before heading to Reading, PA on Saturday for Brook Musselman and Laura Johnston's wedding! After that I will probably head on home, although I am not quite sure.

          As for the rest of the summer, I hope to visit my grandma in Kansas and maybe Colorado. I also hope to see my roommates from last semester, Krissy and Erica. While I am at home, I plan on painting the house, maybe selling some strawberries and sweet corn, and tending to my garden. That is right, I planted a vegetable garden. I really know nothing about gardening, but I have been wanting to grow one for a few years and now I finally have the chance. I am really hoping that it works and that I will one day have vegetables to eat that I grew myself. 

          Another thing I want to write about are my reflections on the books I read. I have the bad habit of buying books on sale, then not having the time to read them. Now i have a whole summer ahead of me and I want to use it to read all these books, almost fifty in number! I have already finished one that I had started over Christmas break. The book was Reaching the Other Side; The Journal of an American who stayed to witness Vietnam's postwar transition by Earl S. Martin. I met Earl last year when he came to speak about his experience with MCC in Vietnam to my Biblical Theology of Peace and Justice class. He is such a story-teller and I went online to find a used version of his book. The book tells all about his time when the Viet-Cong took over the entire country when the Americans finally left. The thing that struck me most is how the enemy turned out not to be that evil. Yes, a lot of blood was spilled in the war and people on both sides committed terrible atrocities, but there were also good people on all sides. I was struck once again how there is no clear good and bad, but how there truly is hope because we are human. I believe to the core of me that in every human is the potential for good. Earl saw this in the supposed enemy of the Vietnam War, and I want to continue to look for it in everyone I meet.

          

One Week Left

I have just over one week left in Europe. Krissy keeps telling me that I should stop counting down and enjoy my time left here, but it is hard when I am so ready to come home. As I have wondered why I am so homesick, I have come to the following conclusion: during my entire time here I was always looking forward to my next trip. Even the weekends I spent in Brussels, I was trying to experience everything. I have managed to stay so busy hanging out with friends, studying, and going to my internship that I never made Belgium my home. So now, when the next trip is home, I realize all that I don't have here.
Brussels has never felt like home, even though technically I have lived here longer than I have lived in Pandora. But Pandora is my home because I made it that way. I put down my roots and made a place for myself there. I even joined Grace Mennonite Church back in March because I found in the congregation a welcoming home. EMU is also another home I have built for myself. I put down roots there with a community of friends and mentors that will always be there for me and are awaiting my return. But being here in Europe, I never put down any roots. I saw this as an adventure of which I would come home from. I don't know if it is a good or bad thing I did not make a home here. Part of the problem was that four months is not a long time and I know once I leave I am not coming back, at least not for a long time.
Even though Brussels is not my home, there are several things I am going to miss. These include people watching on my commute to school and internship, traveling to a different country as a weekend excurision, dressing European without standing out, attending different concerts and performances, meeting new people from all over the world, eating waffles all the time, seeing hundred of year old buildings on a daily basis, eating frites as a complete meal, having class with ten different nationalities, and probably most of all I will miss my roommate Krissy, who has become my best friend in the last four months. As much as I am looking forward to going home, saying goodbye will be hard and bittersweet, as most goodbyes in life are.

Nearing the End

I only have 16 days left in Europe! It is so hard to believe that this semester is almost over! In some ways it feels like this semester has completely flown by, but in other ways it has been a long three and half months. However, I have to admit that I am ready to go home. Since I have not written in a while, here is a quick catch-up of my life in the last few weeks:
The weekend after I got back from Ireland, I went on a class trip to Amsterdam. Our first stop was a tour of the port of Antwerp, which I found to be really interesting. While in Amsterdam we visited a LOT of museums! I think the total count of museums was 5 in the two and half days, plus a lot more guided tours of other places in the city including a fun boat tour on the canals. Amsterdam is a beautiful city, but all the tours and information and lack of sleep from Ireland made me really tired and kind of crabby. I also did not appreciate how the entire city smelled like marijuana and there were prostitutes on every corner!
The week after Amsterdam was very busy as the BCA president visited and took us out to eat on Tuesday night, then Thursday night was Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving day was very odd as I went to my internship as usual and to everyone else it was just another day. I was very jealous of my friends back home who got three days off of school. After work, I took a train to Antwerp, where Kathleen and her husband prepared us a Thanksgiving feast. Although it was good, it just made me homesick because it was not the same.
Last weekend, Krissy and I visited Brussel's Christmas market on both Friday and Saturday nights! The Christmas market is amazing with the downtown completely decorated for Christmas and little stands selling all sorts of crafts and good food! There is also a ferris wheel (on which we are planning to go tomorrow) and an ice-skating rink! Sunday morning we also went to the Midi-market which is a HUGE market by Midi train station which sells all sorts of cheap clothing and food. The rest of the day was devoted to homework.
Schoolwork is taking up much of my life right now.... In the next two weeks, I still have one presentation, four papers, and three exams! Yikes! However, I am feeling alright at the moment. Classes have not been as good as I had hoped when I arrived here. I really don't like international law at all-- it is an extremely boring, long class, which also has really hard tests and papers. The art class has been fun for traveling, but the exam will cover a lot of material. In Amsterdam I did a presentation on the philosopher Spinoza, which was fun to research. The best class has been the peace and security studies class. Right now I am writing a peer paper about the causes of war and the best ways to make peace. It is more a series of conversations back and forth between one of my peers of what each of us thinks on the subject. I am really enjoying writing it and was excited when I got to include information I learned from my Love and Evolution class last semester.
This weekend holds hanging out with friends, going to Brugge to go ice-skating with a coworker, and seeing the Moscow City Ballet perform Swan Lake! Plus all the homework and studying. So it should be good, even if it is extremely busy. But as mentioned earlier, I am ready to come home. The best way to describe it, is Daughtry's song Home. The lyrics go "I'm going home, back to the place where I belong. And where your love has always been enough for me. I'm not running from, no, I think you got me all wrong. I don't regret this life I chose for me. But these places and these faces are getting old. So I'm going home, well I'm going home... Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it all. You just might get it all and then some you don't want... So I'm going home."
I have loved my time in Europe, truly loved it. But this isn't home. Through my time here I have realized how much I do belong at EMU and in the Mennonite church and although it has been great, it is time for me to go back. My time here has been everything I ever imagined, although I didn't expect to encounter as many challenges as I did. I lived my dream of being in Europe; studying, traveling, meeting new people, making new friends, but all of it does get old and the time comes when you just need to go home.

So many places... too little time!

I have been in ten countries in the last three weeks... ten! The traveling has been amazing and the places and people I have seen will stay with me forever! So much has happened, it is really hard to write it all down, so hopefully I will give you a glimpse of some of my favorite places of the past few weeks.

During my time in Paris, Krissy and I went to a late night mass at the Sacre Coeur, then listened to a guy doing covers of some of my favorite songs including Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls. Another night, my friend Lauren and I went to the best bookstore in world! It is a little English bookstore across from the Notre Dame where we read for an hour in the upstairs library before listening to a book reading and jazz concert. Then we got crepes, where the crepe guy declared his love for me within five minutes! (He was cute and only 22 :)) We also saw classic Paris museums such as the Louvre, Modern Museum of Art, and the Orsay.

After Paris was the epic field trip with my family. During the week, we got to be guarded by a an Italian with a machine gun, get rescued by an Italian on a scooter, drive on tiny crazy Italian coast, eat amazing seafood spaghetti, dip my toes in the Mediterranean Sea, tour the castle Disney World is modeled after, do a little hiking in the Alps, sing songs from the Sound of Music in Austria, pet a Saint Bernard in Switzerland, See the bears and clocktower in Bern, and drive through the exciting little countries of Liechtenstein and Luxembourg. It was so great to spend time with my parents and brother Ryan and also show them around Brussels a little bit.

From Thursday to Tuesday I was in the magical land of Ireland. I have to admit I fell head over heels in love with Ireland. It was so beautiful and everyone is so nice and all speak with the greatest accents in the world. I first explored Dublin for a day with my friend Johnny before taking a bus to Derry in Northern Ireland. Friday through Sunday morning I attended the BCA conference on divided societies where we listened to experts talk on conflicts, watch a deeply moving testimonial, and had great discussions with new friends. I then visited my friends Peter and Jenna Martin in Belfast on Sunday. I loved talking to them and spending time with people from back home. On Monday I caught a very early morning bus back to Dublin where I took a day bus tour of the county Wicklow. Here I saw breathtaking beauty and places where movies such as Braveheart and P.S. I Love You were filmed. After the long day, Johnny and I spent the night at the airport before arriving back in Brussels.

Right now I am incredibly stressed and just sick of school. Honestly, I am not enjoying my classes and the work just makes me feel literally sick. I really just want to get back to EMU. I realize now how blessed I am with my professors there and classes I just love and want to do the work. If I had more time or just weekends to do homework, I think it would be a little better, but right now it is hard. I do not regret my decision to be here and take these classes, but it is really hard right now and I am tired. And this weekend I am once again leaving, this time for a class trip to Amsterdam. I am sure it will be fine, but right now I don't want to go and take time to just relax.

Fall Break

Life here in Belgium has been so busy lately... I feel like I barely have time to breathe. And the problem is that it is only going to get faster from here, not slow down like I wish. Last weekend was amazing as my BCA program (with Krissy and my friend Kristen) went to Kröller-Müller Museum in the Netherlands which houses the second largest collection of Van Goughs in the world. Afterward we went back to Belgium where we spent the night at an abbey. That night has been one of the highlights of my time so far! We went to prayers and dinner with some of the monks of the abbey, then saw the oldest replica of Da Vinci's The Last Supper which was partly painted by Da Vinci himself, got served beer which was made by the monks at the abbey, and stayed up late having really great conversation with my group about religion. That was really neat because we all come from completely different backgrounds but were able to have a really meaningful conversation with each other.

The next morning after spending the night in our separate rooms, we went to mass then had time to take a lot of fun pictures together (see my facebook page). After lunch with the monks, we were picked up by my resident director and headed to a castle in the province of Liege before heading back to Brussels for a dinner of frites. This week has been full of writing a paper (on the very interesting topic of criminal jurisdiction of foreign vessels in American ports :( ) and also having a really fun game night with my host family and attending my roommate's church's bible study.

Tomorrow I head back to Paris for a four day field trip with my art class. Then my parents and brother Ryan are coming!!!!! I am so excited to see them and experience more of Europe. We are renting a car and heading first to Italy, spending one night in Genoa, then two nights in Cinque Terre. Afterward we will drive to Germany, stopping in Verona, Italy and Innsbruck, Austria. Touring the Neuenschwander castle then heading to Switzerland before driving through France and Luxembourg back to Belgium. We arrive back next Monday. They will be around until Thursday of that week, when I will also be going with them to the airport, but flying to Ireland when they head back to America.

So until then, I wish everyone a happy Halloween and I will write of my adventures when I get back!