Running away?

          Upon meeting me and finding out that I came to live here  in Croatia for almost three years without knowing anyone, a friend asked me,” What are you running away from.” Although he was joking, I have not forgotten those words. At the time I explained that I wanted adventure and to learn a new language and culture. But now, I am not so sure. You see, I was in such a hurry to leave the country. I knew my project would not start until May (now June), but I could not imagine staying in the United States any longer than I had to so I found an interim project. I didn’t really care what I was doing, but I had to leave. But why? Why was I so desperate to leave?

            I think part of the reason was that I was mad that I was graduating college. As silly as it seems, somehow I thought that if I could not stay in college, then I needed to be as far away as possible. I wanted to sound like I was doing exciting, important things in an exciting place. Anywhere in the U.S. did not seem exciting enough. And so I jumped on the chance to come here to Croatia without knowing really at all what I was getting into. I knew that if might be hard to be away for so long, but I figured it was all part of the great adventure.

            But now I am here. And reality has set in. My life isn’t glamorous, and it is not all that exciting. I currently work in a library doing work, which makes me feel like a robot. I will move in June and finally work with a peace organization, but even that does not bring excitement as the lack of expectations and even a job description scares me. As I go through what has become my normal routine, I wonder what good am I doing here? I am so far from the people I love most and the place where I feel like I could make an actual difference. I think about the real reasons I came here and I find myself wondering if I made the wrong decision. Was I really just running away? And if so, should I even stay?

            These are not easy questions and over the last few weeks I have struggled with the answers. I don’t regret coming, though. Even if I was running away, I would not have been satisfied staying in the U.S. I needed a change and I needed to try something new. And even though it has been hard at times, the experience here has been good. I have learned a lot about myself and gotten to see a new part of the world. The traveling and the relationships I have made have made it well worth my time.

            As I met with a Croatian friend over desert last night, I realized how much of a life I have created for myself here. I have a Croatian residence permit and a bank account. But even more than that, I have people I care about and people who care about me. I might not enjoy my current job, but I love the people I work with. I have formed some very close relationships that continue to grow. Just last week, I went on a day trip to Novi Sad (the second largest city in Serbia) with my good friend Debora. We had the best day walking around and talking.

I have the world’s greatest tutor! Seriously, just yesterday we ended up talking for an hour longer than the lesson time just about life. As much as I appreciate learning Croatian from her, I love even more the friendship that we have. I also have made a new friend who is from England and have enjoyed having someone my own age to talk to and hang out with who understands how hard it is to live in another country by yourself.

I have also become involved in more activities now. I run with a running club every Thursday by the river. They always time the run and even though I am one of the slowest, I have begun to meet other runners and find my own spot in the group. On Wednesday mornings, I have begun to teach an English class. I only have two students, but it has been a nice change to plan and teach lessons, something I had never done before. Oat least once a week I meet people for coffee and try to learn more about Croatia from Croatians.

And so I plan on staying. I no longer am starry-eyed and excited for whatever happens, but I want to give my new project a try and I want to continue to build a life for myself here in Croatia. There have been times when I have hated it here and just wanted to go home. But for the most part, I am content with my life here… I try to look for the positive and continue to learn new things every day. I know that things will not be easy and there will still be times when I will wonder if this is all worth it. And the time might come when it is not. It will not mean that I failed in this adventure or that I am not suited for life outside the United States, but that the placement and the time is not right. But for now, I am here for two more years and I want to make the most of it. 

My Osijek

          I have now lived in Croatia for almost five months and thus I have learned a lot about this country. One way in which I have tried to learn more is to ask many questions to Croatians. One of these questions is "what is your favorite thing about Croatia?" One of the answers that always comes up is the beautiful coastline. And I have to agree, Croatia's coastline is beautiful. There are also great mountains and waterfalls and Zagreb, the capital city, is a really cool city with much to do. However, I don't live near the coast, I don't live near mountains or waterfalls, and I don't live in Zagreb. I live in Osijek, a city in the east, where the largest hill is the pedestrian bridge. It is the fourth largest city in Croatia with a population around 100,000 people, but it still feels very much like a small town. Not a whole lot happens here and I have to admit, that for a while I was frustrated that out of all the places in this beautiful country, I ended up in Osijek. 

          But the more I have explored, the more I have gotten to know people, the more history I have learned, the more I have come to like Osijek. And a few weeks ago as I showed my friend Becca around, I realized that I have made this city my home. I might not be living here much longer, but I will come back to visit. And even though Osijek is not exactly a tourist destination and it does not take too long to see all the sights, Osijek does have a lot to offer. And to prove it, I thought I would give you a virtual tour. 

The cathedral on the main square

"European Avenue" with its old mansions from Austro-Hungarian times.

Tvrđa with old city walls still intact. 

Unique churches.

Iconic statues.

And my favorite, the beautiful riverwalk on the Drava. 

This is my Osijek. 

23 Countries in 23 Years

        Last week, I was so excited to have my friend Becca come visit! Becca is a current EMU student who is studying this year in Germany. We had several classes together and share a lot of the same friends, even though we became very close at EMU. But still, when I knew that she would be in Europe, I convinced her that she should come on over to Croatia… and she did! She flew into Zagreb and then took a bus here to Osijek. We spent a day wandering around Osijek before taking a bus up to Pecs, Hungary.

         In Pecs, and then in Budapest, we stayed with couch surfers! For those who do not know, Couchsurfing is an online community in which people who love to travel and learn about new places and cultures join. Then you can do three different things: HOST – if you have a couch or an extra bed, you can let travelers come stay with you; SURF – instead of staying in a hotel or hostel, you can stay with local people on their couches; or just meet-up. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I have been meeting with local couch surfers here in Osijek.

          For this trip, I had read through different profiles of couch surfers, then sent out requests for us to stay with local hosts. It was a great experience! We did not have a lot of time in Pecs, but our host served us breakfast and then gave us a city tour. I really enjoyed seeing the city from a local perspective and being able to ask all sorts of questions about Hungarian life. I also loved our host in Budapest! He was our age and lived in a great part of the city and I really enjoyed the conversations we had and the places we saw with him.

          After just a short time in Budapest, we took an eight hour train ride to Belgrade. Although it was long, we were in a really nice train car and I got to have a good conversation with a Serbian. (Having good conversations with strangers and getting to know new places and cultures through them is one of my favorite parts of traveling!) In Belgrade, we took a walking tour, explored an old fortress, ate local food, and enjoyed relaxing in cafes. I immediately fell in love the city and am already planning my next visit so I can explore more. On Wednesday afternoon, we caught a bus back to Osijek (only 3.5 hours) and then Becca caught an early bus back to Zagreb the next morning to fly back to Germany.

         We had a really good time and it was nice to show someone my part of the world. Plus, I was really excited to go to Serbia for the first time. You see, Serbia is the 23^rd country I have been in and I am 23 years old! I think this is pretty cool! I thought it would be fun to share with you all the countries I have traveled to, along with the year in which I first visited.

1) Canada - 1999     2) Mexico – 2006     3) Bahamas – 2009     4) Nicaragua – 2009 

5) Belgium – 2011     6) France – 2011     7) Germany – 2011      8) The Netherlands – 2011

9) Italy - 2011     10) Switzerland – 2011     11) Liechtenstein – 2011     12) Austria – 2011

13) Luxembourg – 2011     14) Ireland – 2011     15) Northern Ireland – 2011          

16) Turkey – 2012      17) Iraq – 2012      18) Slovenia – 2013     19) Croatia – 2013            

20) Bosnia and Herzegovina – 2013      21) Slovakia – 2014     22) Hungary – 2014            

23) Serbia - 2014

My Mom

          Greetings from Belgrade! Although I have many things to tell of my current travels, this blog is for my mom. Today, March 5, is her birthday. I hope if you read my Valentine’s Day blog, you already know much about my mom and how much I appreciated the way I grew up, always feeling supported and loved by both of my parents. What you might not know, is that my mom and I are opposites when it comes to personality. I am an ENFP, she is an ISTJ, if you know the Meyer’s Briggs test. I love history, big ideas, and am wildly idealistic. She is a former math teacher who thinks in more practical terms. Sometimes when I ask her a question such as, “Mom, have you ever thought how inconvenient it would be to be a giraffe and have such a long neck?” or something of the sort, she will just look at me and wonder where I came from because she would never think of such things. (Then we look at my dad and realize where the genes came from).

          But even though we are different, there is usually no one I would rather spend time with. My mom is the most loving, caring person I know. She is still the first I call when I am having a bad day. She is also the first one I call when I have big, exciting news. Through all my dreaming and crazy ups and downs, she has always been there. Sometimes she helps me rationally think through situations. In other times, she just listens and holds me when I cry. We love to watch movies together, go shopping together, and just talk. I can always be myself around her because she knows me probably better than I know myself. She is a strong, amazing woman who looks to see the best in everyone. I have learned what it means to truly love my neighbor and my enemies by looking to her example. She is a much better person than I am, and I can only hope that someday I will have as much love and wisdom to give.

Mom, there is so much to say, but I think the Backstreet Boys say it best…

It takes a lot to know what is love

It's not the big things, but the little things

That can mean enough

A lot of prayers to get me through

And there is never a day that passes by

I don't think of you

You were always there for me

Pushing me and guiding me

Always to succeed

You showed me

When I was young just how to grow

You showed me

Everything that I should know

You showed me

Just how to walk without your hands

Cuz mom you always were

The perfect fan

God has been so good

Blessing me with a family

Who did all they could

And I've had many years of grace

And it flatters me when I see a smile on your face

I wanna thank you for what you've done

In hopes I can give back to you

And be the perfect son

[Chorus]

You showed me how to love

You showed me how to care

And you showed me that you would always be there

I wanna thank you for that time

And I'm proud to say you're mine

[Chorus]

Cuz mom you always were,

Mom you always were

Mom you always were,

You know you always were

Cuz mom you always were... the perfect fan

I love you Mom

A Prayer For Your Thursday

Here is a prayer my mom sent me and I thought I would share with you today. 

O Lord, 

in the turbulence

and the loneliness

of my living from day to day

and night to night,

keep me in touch with my roots,

so I will remember where I came from and with whom;

keep me in touch with my feelings,

so I will be more aware of who I really am and what it costs;

keep me in touch with my mind

so I will know who I am not and what that means;

and keep me in touch with my dreams,

so I will grow toward where I want to go and for whom.

O, Lord,

deliver me from the arrogance of assuming

I know enough to judge others;

deliver me from the timidity of presuming

I don't know enough to help others;

deliver me from the illusion of claiming I have changed enough

when I have only risked little,

that, so liberated, I will make some the days to come different.

O, Lord,

I ask not to be delivered

from the tensions that wind me tight,

but I do ask for a sense of direction in which to move once wound,

a sense of humor about my disappointments,

a sense of respect for the elegant puzzlement of being human,

and a sense of gladness for your kingdom

which comes in spite of my fretful pulling and tugging.

O, Lord,

nurture in me the song of a lover,

the vision of a poet,

the questions of a child,

the boldness of a prophet,

the courage of a disciple.

O, Lord,

it is said you created people

because you love stories.

Be with me as I live out my story.

by Ted Loder

The Geography of Bliss

          I finished a really fascinating book the other week called "The Geography of Bliss : One Grump's Search for the Happiest Places in the World," by Eric Weiner. The author travelled to ten different countries trying to figure out the secret to happiness and if a place can make one happy. He chose countries based on research (http://unsdsn.org/resources/publications/world-happiness-report-2013/) and his own experience from working as a news correspondent all over the world. I thought the book was brilliant, with the author telling all his personal experiences, while giving us glimpses at different ways of looking and thinking about happiness. His main conclusion was "Money matters, but less than we think and not in the way we think. Family is important. So are friends. Envy is toxic. So is excessive thinking. Beaches are optional. Trust is not. Neither is gratitude."I whole heartedly advise you to read the entire book.

         But I wanted to tell you about some thoughts that this book brought up for me. One concept that came up early in the book was home. Weiner writes, "Humans, even nomadic ones, need a sense of home. Home need not be one place or any place at all, but every home has two essential elements: a sense of community and, even more important, a history." I have written before that I have struggled with the concept of home because I moved a few times growing up and never identified strongly with one place as my home. But Weiner's definition makes a lot of sense to me because when I feel "homesick," I do not miss a place (certainly not rural Ohio), but I miss my friends and family, my community. I miss having people who knows my stories and have been a part of my life, my history. Here in Croatia, I do not have that. I am making friends and I am creating a new part of my own history, but it is not the same. Here is not home. And can we truly be happy when we do not feel at home?

         I think we can, but while reading this book I began to believe that I couldn't. I started thinking about the things that make me happy and realized that most of these things are back in the United States. I began thinking of last school year when I was the happiest I had ever been. And in comparison, I thought that I must be very unhappy here in Croatia. And for a few days I found myself in a rut, believing that I couldn't be happy here and the next two years would go by very slowly, indeed. But after many long Skype conversations and a few long runs, I was able to realize that happiness has different forms. At EMU I was happy because I was living with all my best friends. I was able to take interesting classes and excel in my schoolwork. I had many leadership roles and felt like I was able to make contributions to the campus community. All these things brought happiness and a fulfilled life. 

           But, I am happy here, too. I can be happy because I know I have a home. My community and history might not be here, but I know that there will always be people who love me and support me and they will always be there for me. Being away, I am able to better appreciate the things that I took for granted. I am also forced to look for the little things that make me happy, such as running by the Drava or singing "Fifty Nifty United States" to my co-workers in the library. I am happy here because I get the opportunity to travel and discover new people, new places, and new ways of thinking about the world. I am happy because I have the time to read books for fun again. I am happy because as hard and lonely as times can be here, I know that I am learning so much more about myself and the world around me; lessons I would not learn if I was still in the United States. 

         And as happy as I am, I also realize that happiness is not what I really want out of life. I want to be happy, but more than that, I want to have a purpose in my life. Right now, I feel called into peace work. This work is probably won't make me happy all the time as I will see suffering and violence all around. However, I do hope that this work will make me feel fulfilled as I help others in need. And possibly make the world a better, happier place to live in. Even Weiner, in the end of his book, realizes that life is not always going to be happy and that is okay. Happiness is good, but it is not the most important part of life. 

....Although I am trying to be content living in Croatia, I did want to add a bit about the place where I hope one day to live and what would make me happy. I have decided that I want to move to Denver, Colorado. You see, I love the Rocky Mountains and there is no place on earth (at least that I have see) , that can compare to those mountains. However, I also want to live in a city that is artsy, is healthy, has a lot of events to go to, and has a Mennonite church. Denver seems to be the perfect combination and is a city that sees a lot of sun all year round. However, I also need community, so I have decided that when I move back to the the U.S., I hope to get several of my friends to move to Denver with me. Hopefully I could find work with some NGO working with refugees or community development or something of the sort.  I would be doing work I love, surrounded by the people I love, in a place that makes me happy. This is my dream. 

To My Valentine

          Today is a very special day. As you all may know, it is Valentine’s Day. I happen to love Valentine’s Day… not because I like the cheesy gifts or receiving candy (although I do love candy) but because Valentine’s Day is the day I get to celebrate the man I love most in the world: my dad. You see, February 14 is my dad’s birthday. In my family, we always say all the hearts and festivities are for him. I always loved that his birthday was celebrated all over the world and decorations were everywhere! And instead of cake, my mom would always make a cherry pie with hearts cut out of the crust. This year, I am very far from home and I am not able to eat that pie with my dad in. And so I decided to write this blog post for him, so that everyone may know the best guy in the world, who has filled my life with so much love. 

          My dad has always been a very active father and deeply involved in my life. He has always been there for me: every band and choir concert, every tennis match. Even when he started a new job in Ohio my senior year of high school, he would make the hour and a half drive for all of my tennis matches. And in college, when I wasn’t involved with music or athletics, my dad made it a priority to come down to visit me in Virginia, just to spend time and know the place where I was living. Growing up, every summer my family would go on  vacation. I look back on these times with such fondness. One of my favorite times would be when my dad would make up stories around the campfire. I used to think they were the best and that my dad was brilliant for being to make them up on the spot. Looking back, I realize that they weren’t all that great, but to a little kid, I was introduced to magical worlds with lot of funny named characters. Even back then, my dad was my hero.

          As I have grown older, I have come to have so much respect with the ways I was brought up. I am a pastor’s daughter, but my parents have never pushed their faith on me. They have allowed me the space to question and grow. In recent times, I have talked a lot about my doubts with my dad. He doesn’t ever give me answers, but listens so intently and helps me ask the right questions. Even in times when we differ, he always listens and always loves. I know I can say anything to him because his love for me will never change. He always encourages and is quick to remind me of how proud he is of me. Even during school when I have pressured myself to be perfect, the pressure never came from my parents. They wanted me to succeed and do well, but were the first to tell me that getting straight A’s was not the most important thing in life. My mentor from college once told me that my dad is very wise man and she is right. My dad might not have all the answers, but he has so much love, grace, and experience that his advice is always extremely valuable.

          And day by day he continues to amaze me with his wisdom and ability to continue in hard times. In September, he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. This was a really hard realization to deal with . But instead of getting really down, my dad preached this in his first sermon after coming back to work...

“The Parkinson’s diagnosis was not only a shock but a game changer. Our lives would never be the same. I wondered if my ministry was over. I never thought my 61^st year of life would bring me a chronic illness for which there is no cure. I cried out to God and felt abandoned by God and sometimes it seemed like I was all alone. After much reflection and prayer, I began to see that Parkinson’s was not a death knell but an opportunity to look at my life in a new way and see clearly what is basic and important in life. …. [Like the Israelites in Jeremiah] we all have our exiles to live with. Things we can’t really change but must live with. Some exiles are bigger than others. But in any exile we have the choice. We have the choice to become bitter or better… Jeremiah challenges the Jews in captivity, and us, -- to embrace the place where we find ourselves, and find ways to be faithful in our living, so that others might inquire about our inspiration, our resolve, and our trust, and thereby be drawn into relationship with God.”

          Dad, you are my hero. I am amazed everyday by your incredible love and wisdom. I know sometimes you have self-doubt, but I have seen first-hand how you bless all those around you. You are truly an inspiration and I know God exists when I see your life. I love you so much and wish that I could be there celebrating with you. I wish you the best day and may the year ahead be filled with much love and happiness. And always remember that even though I am far, far away, I will always be your little girl. Happy Birthday and a very Happy Valentine's Day!

My dad and I in October when I flew to Europe.

My dad and I years ago.