Running away?

          Upon meeting me and finding out that I came to live here  in Croatia for almost three years without knowing anyone, a friend asked me,” What are you running away from.” Although he was joking, I have not forgotten those words. At the time I explained that I wanted adventure and to learn a new language and culture. But now, I am not so sure. You see, I was in such a hurry to leave the country. I knew my project would not start until May (now June), but I could not imagine staying in the United States any longer than I had to so I found an interim project. I didn’t really care what I was doing, but I had to leave. But why? Why was I so desperate to leave?

            I think part of the reason was that I was mad that I was graduating college. As silly as it seems, somehow I thought that if I could not stay in college, then I needed to be as far away as possible. I wanted to sound like I was doing exciting, important things in an exciting place. Anywhere in the U.S. did not seem exciting enough. And so I jumped on the chance to come here to Croatia without knowing really at all what I was getting into. I knew that if might be hard to be away for so long, but I figured it was all part of the great adventure.

            But now I am here. And reality has set in. My life isn’t glamorous, and it is not all that exciting. I currently work in a library doing work, which makes me feel like a robot. I will move in June and finally work with a peace organization, but even that does not bring excitement as the lack of expectations and even a job description scares me. As I go through what has become my normal routine, I wonder what good am I doing here? I am so far from the people I love most and the place where I feel like I could make an actual difference. I think about the real reasons I came here and I find myself wondering if I made the wrong decision. Was I really just running away? And if so, should I even stay?

            These are not easy questions and over the last few weeks I have struggled with the answers. I don’t regret coming, though. Even if I was running away, I would not have been satisfied staying in the U.S. I needed a change and I needed to try something new. And even though it has been hard at times, the experience here has been good. I have learned a lot about myself and gotten to see a new part of the world. The traveling and the relationships I have made have made it well worth my time.

            As I met with a Croatian friend over desert last night, I realized how much of a life I have created for myself here. I have a Croatian residence permit and a bank account. But even more than that, I have people I care about and people who care about me. I might not enjoy my current job, but I love the people I work with. I have formed some very close relationships that continue to grow. Just last week, I went on a day trip to Novi Sad (the second largest city in Serbia) with my good friend Debora. We had the best day walking around and talking.

I have the world’s greatest tutor! Seriously, just yesterday we ended up talking for an hour longer than the lesson time just about life. As much as I appreciate learning Croatian from her, I love even more the friendship that we have. I also have made a new friend who is from England and have enjoyed having someone my own age to talk to and hang out with who understands how hard it is to live in another country by yourself.

I have also become involved in more activities now. I run with a running club every Thursday by the river. They always time the run and even though I am one of the slowest, I have begun to meet other runners and find my own spot in the group. On Wednesday mornings, I have begun to teach an English class. I only have two students, but it has been a nice change to plan and teach lessons, something I had never done before. Oat least once a week I meet people for coffee and try to learn more about Croatia from Croatians.

And so I plan on staying. I no longer am starry-eyed and excited for whatever happens, but I want to give my new project a try and I want to continue to build a life for myself here in Croatia. There have been times when I have hated it here and just wanted to go home. But for the most part, I am content with my life here… I try to look for the positive and continue to learn new things every day. I know that things will not be easy and there will still be times when I will wonder if this is all worth it. And the time might come when it is not. It will not mean that I failed in this adventure or that I am not suited for life outside the United States, but that the placement and the time is not right. But for now, I am here for two more years and I want to make the most of it.