The Company You Keep in the Empty Moments

           I met with my spiritual director today an although we were talking about my relationship with God, I came to the realization at the session that I have not yet learned to love myself. I think I am happy with the person I am in the world, the person I am in relationship, but I am not happy with the person I am when I am alone. Someone recently brought up the poem "The Invitation," by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. I posted this poem on my blog a couple of years ago during BVS orientation, but had forgotten about it. (http://julia-exploringtheinfiniteabyss.blogspot.com/2013/07/the-invitation.html)The person mentioning this poem was thinking about some of the first lines about if I "will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive." However, what struck me then and more harshly today, is the last line... "I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments."
          I love my life. As readers of this blog know, I have amazing people in my life; I take the opportunity to do things I love such as study and travel; I try to live everyday with a sense of adventure and spend time reflecting. But for some reason, I don't like my own company in the empty moments. I hate being alone and I think it is because I still carry so much self-doubt. When I am alone, I have only my thoughts and I tend to overthink situations and overcriticise myself. This leads into a vicious cycle of seeing all my insecurities and flaws at once and becoming trapped in self-hate. To escape this cycle, instead of facing my own insecurities when I am alone, I distract myself through books, tv, other people, and even sleep. Because, I hate sitting in empty moments with only myself.
          As I was talking with my spiritual director, I mentioned how church was really meaningful this Sunday as we read and reflected on 1 Corinthians 13, the love chapter. As I read these verses out loud, I was struck anew at the deep, beauty in these verses that I hadn't seen before because they often seem so cliche. Here is David Moser's (my pastor) translation. "Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not envious, boastful, arrogant, or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it takes no delight with injustice but rejoices with the truth. It is always tolerant, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I felt something inside me realize that this is what I need more of in my life and actions. I remembered my Spanish teacher in Ecuador who talked about choosing love in every moment. (http://julia-exploringtheinfiniteabyss.blogspot.com/2015/06/passion-and-conversations-in-ecuador.html) Back then, I decided that I wanted to also do that. But time went on and I forgot. Yesterday, I was reminded of this and here in Corinthians we have instructions on what that means to choose love in every moment. We choose to be patent and kind and not get irritable. We choose to not insist on our own way, but be hopeful, be trusting. This is who I want to be in the world.
           But my spiritual director helped me see, that I also need to have these feelings toward myself. I had voiced that it is hard for me to give myself grace. As I talked, she pointed out that I was not being patient or kind towards myself. Before I can extend this love to others, I need to learn how to love myself: not just my actions or character, but love myself in those empty moments. I need to learn to extend myself grace. I recently referred to my favorite poem "To begin with, the sweet grass," by Mary Oliver in conversation with a friend. The poem ends with the line, "Love yourself. Then forget it. Then, love the world." I explained that I need to start focusing on loving the world instead of being so self-centered. However, today, I am reconsidering that. I realize that I don't love myself in the way I should. I still need to love others and love the world, but I still have work to do when it come to loving myself and becoming okay with myself in the empty moments.

On Romantic Relationships, Part 2

          My most read blog post to date was a post I wrote back in October of 2013 called "On Romantic Relationships" http://julia-exploringtheinfiniteabyss.blogspot.com/2013/10/on-romantic-relationships.html . In this post I wrote about my struggle with being single in today's society. I wrote how I felt abnormal and even embarrassed, but that I had come to the realization that I was happy being single and found so much meaning in life without having a romantic relationship. I wrote that I would not wait around for any guy but would live my life. For the last two years, I have done that. Although there were times when I still struggled with the abnormality of not ever having been in a relationship, I lived my life and went on crazy adventures. Seriously, since I wrote that post I have lived by myself abroad, visited at least seven other countries, started a grad school program, immersed myself in a new community, worked at least three different jobs, and much more. My life has continued to be full in every sense. I embraced my singleness and have been living out who I want to be in the world.
          A little over 3 weeks ago, my relationship status changed. For the first time, I have a person in my life who I call my boyfriend. And in some ways, the world has treated me differently. The most common response I have gotten as I have told people about this is "Congrats!" And that feels weird to me. It feels weird because this word connotes that I am doing something good and meaningful in a way that I wasn't before. I don't think everyone means it this way, but it feels like I am now entering a new, more developed stage. One woman, who is really such a dear, told me that I was a late-bloomer like herself. I hated this because I think I have been "blooming" for a long time. And my thoughts on life and singleness hasn't changed.
          I am in a relationship because I really like this guy and want to explore what this relationship could be. I am not in it because I wanted to change my relationship status or because I want to be able to tell other people that I am finally normal. I am not in it because I have now developed personally and am now ready for it. This relationship just happened and it is good because of the person I am in the relationship with. He is kind, caring, intelligent, funny, cute, and a bit ridiculous. I am happy, but I realize that I am not a different person because I am now in this relationship. I still crave adventure and am crazy busy with school, work, and traveling. I still hang out with my friends and develop deep relationships outside of him.
          I am changing in the fact that all relationships change you. Different people come into your life and change things. And it turns out that being in a romantic relationship for me, brings out a lot of my insecurities. Like traveling, being in close contact with someone makes you realize some your traits that you don't like and don't see in other situations. In many ways, I would rather still be single so I wouldn't have to face these insecurities. I have worked hard to develop who I am and although I am not different because I am suddenly not single, I don't know who I am in this type of relationship.  But being afraid is not a good reason to not be in a relationship.
          I don't know where this relationship is going. I hate it when people jump to the future (even though I also do this). Right now, I want to just enjoy it and use the time to grow from this experience. I want to be able to recognize my fear and insecurities and to grow from them. I want get to know him better, but I also want to get to know a different side of me. This different side isn't better or more mature than single me, but just different. Like any experience I hope to grow and change from this experience. But I want people to recognize that I am still me and will continue being me. My views on relationship haven't changed in the sense that I think it is perfectly normal to be single and being single can fulfilling in whatever life stage you are at. Being in a relationship does not make you a better, more developed whole person. In actuality, I think that singleness does a better job at developing whole people. But it is something different for me and something that I am finding worthwhile to pursue. At least for now.

A Short Visit To EMU (or coming home to Hogwarts)

          I am currently sitting in the campus center at EMU. I am back for a quick 2-day visit with really no plans other than to see a couple of close friends and see who I run into. Being here always causes much reflection. Really, being away from my life causes reflection, but especially here in this place. Because this is more than a place for me. EMU for me is a relationship. This might be a strange analogy, but it is one that has a lot of meaning in my life.
          So imagine that EMU is a person. And it was with this person whom I fell madly in love. In the fall of 2009 we began a relationship. At the beginning of the relationship, EMU told me that we would only have four years together and then we would part ways. I understood this agreement and knew that there was the biggest probability that my heart would be broken. But I took the risk and for four years I put my life and soul into this relationship. In that time, through this relationship, I learned so much about myself and who I wanted to be. I did this mostly in relation to EMU and so when the four years came to an end, I was heartbroken. I didn't want to leave. I didn't know who I was outside this relationship and frankly, I didn't want to know.
          And for two years, I was in mourning. I felt like I was floundering in the world and without EMU, I didn't know who I was. I just wanted to be back in the relationship, back in this place that meant the world to me. What I didn't realize in those two years, is how much I was growing and that EMU was still a large part of who I was and still played a huge role in my life even as I was far away. I wrote after my last visit, that I finally found closure (http://julia-exploringtheinfiniteabyss.blogspot.com/2015/04/southern-air.htm ) and that was true. I realized that I was changed because of my relationship with EMU and that EMU would always be a large part of who I am.
           Now I am back again and it is different. I am now in this different relationship (Goshen) and it is very good. But still, EMU knows me in ways that Goshen doesn't and in ways that Goshen probably never will. It was here in this place that I became who I am today. To be back is to be coming home. The intimacy I once shared is still here and I am able to reflect because in this place I can let my guard down. I am fully known here in a way where I am not in any other place. It is true that I have changed, but it is still here where my heart feels free and I can be truly at ease. It is crazy how a place can be so full of meaning and life. It doesn't matter that many of the faces of changed because this place will always be home for me. Like Hogwarts was for Harry, EMU will always welcome me back.