First update of 2015

          It has been almost two months since I last posted. This has been for a lot of reasons. First, my life has continued to be extremely busy. Even with Christmas Break, I feel like I have had no time to just relax and get caught up on sleep. My break was full of finishing up papers, working extra hours, and then traveling to Ohio, back to Indiana for my Grandma Schmidt's memorial service, then to Kansas for family Christmas, back to Ohio to visit my spiritual director in Cincinnati, then finally back here on New Year's Eve to work. Currently I am in a two-week intensive class entitled Education for Peace and Justice. The class is going fine, but it is exhausting having class everyday while still working several of my jobs. I am hoping that I will be able to relax some next week, but already have picked up extra work shifts while I have the time.
          I also haven't written because honestly, I haven't been all that great. I have been tired, stressed, and just kind of sad. I have been frustrated as winter has set in with a mean vengeance. I know I shouldn't complain because I chose to move to Northern Indiana, but I just hate cold and hate snow. And it looks like it is here to stay for a very long time. I have also realized that my precarious balance of work and school is not working. I am left feeling like I have not given my best to any place, but instead am just tired. I think that the transition is also still hard. While at first, being back in the United States felt so good and I was so excited to be in a place where it seemed I fit in, this feeling has worn off. I am glad to be where I am, but I also am not as settled as I would wish. While I am continuing to build friendships, my closest friend here is about to move away at the end of February and I am panicked at the thought of losing her. She has been a huge means of support and love to me, so it is hard to imagine who will be my go-to person when she is gone.
          Finally, I wonder if seminary is right for me. I really did love my classes last semester. I love studying theology and having meaningful conversations with people. However, I still have so many doubts about God that are not going away. The class I am in now is reading some psalms of lament. I can identify with the laments, but then they turn to words of praise, and I cannot identify with it. I cannot seem to get past my agnosticism. Sometimes this is okay, but other times I feel very much like an outsider here. I wish I could just believe, but there is still something (most days) holding me back. Especially with the lack of sleep I am experiencing, it has been hard to stay positive and stay involved in the learning.
          I always take a risk when I write some of my negative feelings down because that is only one part of my life. Even as I have felt a bit depressed, there have also been a lot of really good things happening. I loved reconnecting with friends and family over Christmas. I especially loved getting to see my nephew again. He is just so cute and lovable. I also continue to really like my job at Maple City Market, the food co-op in Goshen. The people are great, as well as getting to be a part of that community. Goshen has actually become a really great place as the downtown has been revitalized and many new businesses and people are coming in. It is exciting to see the local food movement grow and prosper.
          Today also happens to be my birthday and it has been fun to receive messages from friends across the world. My mom is here for the week taking a class, so she will take me and a friend out to eat tonight. I am also having a few friends over for a small party on Sunday, which should be really fun. Pastor's Week is coming up soon, which is exciting due to my family coming for the week (including my nephew!). I am also beginning to plan possible adventures for this spring and summer. I hope to do an east coast trip to visit friends around Easter, then possible international travel this summer. All these things, as well as thinking about warmer weather and spending time outside, bring me hope and happiness.
          I really want to start writing more. Writing has always been a good way for me to process all the different things happening in my life, and I am afraid that I have not done it enough lately. I also hope to be able to write about some of the research I did last semester, as well as more of the random thoughts and dreams I am currently thinking about.

Thanksgiving with Michael

          This year's Thanksgiving was much different from last years. Instead of exploring new places and having epic adventures, I had a fairly quiet Thanksgiving here in Elkhart. It might not sound exciting, but it has been a really good holiday. Some friends from church asked if I would dog sit their dog Michael. I was happy to agree since I have had a lack of animal interaction in my life and thus I moved a mile down the road for the past week. Michael is a Portuguese Water Dog (like the Obamas have) and is quite the guy! I might be more of a cat person, but Michael won my heart as we spent time snuggling and playing together. As funny as it might seem, I am so thankful for this time with Michael as it gave me some good reminders.
          First, Michael reminded me not to be so serious and take time to play everyday. Like most dogs, Michael likes attention and likes getting out of the house. He was not too thrilled that I was writing a paper for most of break and would come stick his nose on my computer and convince me that it was time to take a break. We would then proceed outside for a walk. Walking is such a simple thing, but Michael just loves it! He got so excited everytime we went out. I realize as I have been studying and working so much, I have not taken the time to just be outside and relax. Taking a walk doesn't take up too much time, but it gives a person so much. I loved seeing the world through Michael's eyes and taking the time to (figuratively) smell the roses.
          On Thanksgiving day, I was furiously working on writing a paper. I had no plans to go outside all day, but in the early afternoon, Michael came and interrupted me. I decided I would play with him in the back yard for just a few minutes as a break to myself. Little had I realized that it had snowed. But out we went, into the snow. Now normally, I hate snow. But Michael was so excited. He didn't mind the white stuff coming down or the cold. I chased him around and we both experienced moments of complete joy as we ran through the snow laughing. (Well, I laughed, Michael just ran). Then, Michael attempted to catch some snowflakes in his mouth. He looked just so cute. During the course of the semester, I have forgotten about the small joys in life. While living in Croatia last year, I usually noticed small joys. I took the time to go on walks and see the world with fresh eyes because I was in a new place. But here, I have been too busy. Watching Michael gave me the opportunity to rediscover small joys. I got to play in the snow, as well as spend time snuggling with Michael inside giving him tummy rubs (he loves tummy rubs)!
          Thanksgiving evening, I had three friends over to celebrate the holiday. We had an amazing dinner of tofurkey (yes, I made my omnivore friends go vegan with me) and other delicious food and then we played games together. It was so nice and I felt so grown-up as I hosted my first holiday meal. I celebrated with my family the next day at my aunt and uncle's house in Goshen. My parents and brother Ryan came up and we had a nice afternoon eating and playing games. Saturday was work like usual and today was spent finishing my paper. Michael's owners came back tonight, so I am once again back in my apartment.
          The next couple of weeks are crazy as I finish up my semester. There is so much to do, but I feel refreshed. I am just really thankful for where I am. I have the amazing opportunity to study subjects that I am passionate about and be in a community that accepts me for who I am. I have a job that I genuinely like with coworkers who are becoming good friends. I have a family who loves me and lives (relatively) nearby so I can spend time with them in person. I am thankful to be busy, but also thankful for the small moments of joy that life offers. Looking back on the past year, I am so thankful for the places I have been and the experiences I had. I feel so lucky to have been where I have been, but also so glad to be where I am now. I don't think that everyone can say that.

Michael, playing in the snow.

My Search for the Divine

           When I finish my three years at seminary, I will have a Masters of Divinity. Divinity. The Divine. I have been pretty open on this blog about where I struggle with issues of faith. In August 2012 I posted on "Finding My Faith Again." In September 2013, I wrote on "Losing My Faith Again." When I wrote "Losing My Faith Again," I did not know if I could honestly claim Christianity. I had so many doubts about God and just so many questions. You see, I have met many people who just know that God exists and they can actively feel the presence of God in their lives. I don't have that feeling; I don't have that complete faith. I think I have felt moments of the Divine, but they always seem to be fleeting and can easily be forgotten. In the midst of struggle and heartache, I could not see or understand God. And at the time I was not prepared to try to find answers for my questions
          But here I am now at school studying theology, studying the Divine, studying what faith is. I am asking some really hard questions and studying issues such as suffering and racism and what it all means within the context of faith. I am not sure that I am actually finding any answers, but I find myself gaining a much larger picture of who God is. As I find myself falling in love with theology, I find myself taking the step of faith. Because I am starting to understand that faith is not about a feeling. Faith is about taking a step despite not feeling, despite not knowing. I can say now that I believe in God and that I am a Christian, believing by proclaiming this, I am making a faith statement. I am putting trust in the church, people whom I trust and have come to respect. I am putting my trust in a theology that claims love and liberation for all people. I am putting my trust in the Divine.
          My search is far from over. I still have so many questions and I feel like I am just getting my foot wet in understanding what faith is. But I am taking that step. And this step is really scary. I have discovered lately that I am scared of commitment. I am so scared of getting hurt and there are areas of my life in which I am not prepared to risk. But I have decided to take the risk of faith. I have begun this journey even though I don't know where it is taking me. I am scared but I am trusting that God is there.
         To end this post, I first am including a quote by the theologian Jurgen Moltmann who addresses the balance between questioning and staying stagnate. I think he describes the balance I have in my life right now of asking really hard questions, but also finding a faith that grounds me. Then below that I have the lyrics to The Wailin' Jennys song called Heaven When We're Home. I have been playing it a lot in the last couple of days as it speaks to my search.

"What is needed then is to find a lively equilibrium between the fundamental self-questioning of man, and the answers by means of which he takes control of himself. Man cannot continue indefinitely in a radical attitude of questioning. He would then never succeed in giving form to his life. Nor can he tie himself down and be content with the external face which his time and his culture give to him. Then he would stagnate. He reaches an equilibrium if he respects the limits which make man's forms of living authentic, and recognizes that in the changes of cultures and of images of man there is, for all the seriousness and hope of the latter, a provisional element." Jurgen Moltmann

Don't know what time it is, I've been up for way too long
and I'm too tired to sleep
I call my mother on the phone, she wasn't home,
and now I'm wondering the street
I've been a fool, I've been cruel to myself
I've been hanging onto nothing
when nothing could be worse than hanging on
And something tells me there must be
something better than all this

I've fallen many times in love and every time
it's been with the wrong man
Still I'm out there living one day at a time
and doing the best I can
Cuz we've all made mistakes
that seem to lead us astray
But every time they helped to get us where we are today
And that's a good a place as any
and it's probably where we're best off anyway

It's a long and rugged road
and we don't now where it's headed
But we know it's going to get us where we're going
And when we find what we're looking for
we'll drop these bags and search no more
'Cuz it's going to feel like heaven when we're home
It's going to feel like heaven when we're home

There's no such thing as perfect,
and if there is we'll fnd it when we're good and dead
Trust me I've been looking
bu tonight I think I'll go and take a bath instead
And then maybe I'll walk a while
and feel the earth beneath me
They say if you stop looking
it doesn't matter if you find it
And whose to say that even if I did
it's what I'm really looking for

It's a long and rugged road
and we don't now where it's headed
But we know it's going to get us where we're going
And when we find what we're looking for
we'll drop these bags and search no more
'Cuz it's going to feel like heaven when we're home
It's going to feel like heaven when we're home 

Learning to grow up

          Life often feels like a roller coaster. In the course of a week, I feel like I have so many ups and downs. This last week was no exception but in many ways the ups and downs seemed a lot more intensified. I learned last week about some news that might be life-changing for me. I cannot write about it now, but it was the kind of news that shook me to the core and made me reexamine the meaning of life. Luckily, instead of finding out hard news and then departing for a whole new life in Europe and not having the space or people to process with, I am in a community that deals daily with hard questions.
          My seminary experience so far has been one in which we look at hard questions from both an academic point of view, as well as a deeply personal one. On Friday, after spending some time in personal reflection I talked with my academic adviser about the deep struggles I have with God, especially in light of recent events in my life. My adviser allowed the space for my struggles and encouraged me to keep asking them in spite of there not being many answers. However, he also helped me see the space for where God is at work. He took the time to listen, give me advice both academically and spiritually, and then he prayed for me. I was overcome with thankfulness that I am in the space where I have people like this to walk with me and challenge me; challenge me in my questions, challenge me in my assumptions, and challenge me in my faith, all while walking right there beside me. I feel truly blessed to be in this space. 
          I then had a really terrific weekend. Friday night, I went over to my friend Katie's house and we cooked a delicious meal and just talked for hours. Saturday night, I hosted my first couch surfers! Ever since joining couch surfing back in January, I have looked forward to the time when I would have my own place and could host travelers. When I moved to Elkhart, I was not really expecting people to come, but last week I received a request from a guy and his girlfriend traveling back to Wisconsin after spending time in Massachusetts with friends. They were organic farmers and were so excited to cook and eat real food after time spent on the road. As usual, I have tons of vegetables from work and my friend who works on a local farm, so my couch surfers just took over and cooked a great vegetable, lentil curry. I then took them to a game night at a friend's house and stopped by a birthday party of another friend. On Sunday morning, I made oatmeal and smoothies and sent them on their way. Before they left, they recorded me a song (they had a band together). It was just a really great time of connecting over food, song, and friendship.
          Sunday was another great day as I connected with a new friend, walking and talking, and then Katie came over to my apartment and we cooked another great meal and talked again for hours. I might have gotten no homework accomplished, but I felt accomplished because I did work for 8 hours on Saturday at the food co-op, but I also had three sit-down healthy, amazing dinners with friends. I was able to be a host and take time to deepen relationships in my life. I was able to be fully present in where I was.
          This week has already had more ups and downs. I have been feeling a little sick and have not been sleeping too well, which has made me a bit crabby and unmotivated to work. I have also had some good discussions with my roommate about what we both need in terms of living together. As I have learned in the past, I am a conflict avoider. If I think there is any hint of what could be conflict, I run away and hide within myself. This means that I don't often express my own needs. This was a problem when I was living in Croatia and was one of the reasons that I ended back in the U.S. But yesterday, I forced myself into conversation about my needs and my roommate's needs and it was really good. There was no conflict, and we came to a place of understanding each other better. I felt that I had really made strides in my own development.
          All in all, I think in this past week I have learned a lot more about what it means to be a grown-up. I do not think of myself as grown-up, but I am discovering new ways of how to deal with life as it comes. I am learning to go get help and talk to people instead of carrying my burdens alone. I am learning about how to host people in my own space and allow them to feel welcome. I am learning to cook on my own and share the joy of eating with friends and strangers. I am learning how to recognize my weaknesses, but pushing through uncomfortable places to build more authentic relationships. I am learning to balance my time and energy. I am learning to grow up.

Meeting the world with my arms wide open

          I decided that I would change my tagline to "meeting the wold with my arms wide open." I really like the idea of meeting. To me, it means that the world is coming to me. Life is happening and as we all know, things can change so quickly. But instead of waiting on life, or running away, I am going up and saying "Here I am!" I want to be open to new ideas and new adventures. I want to be open to new people. I know, however, that I might get hurt. A friend wrote to me recently that I "take the world on bravely and eagerly, and then sometimes get a little bruised in the process. Which is normal, and probably worth it for the real experiences." The world can be a tough place as this last year has proved. But I also know it to be a place of unspeakable beauty and uncontainable love. And in that hope, I am meeting it head on with a smile on my face and my arms reaching out.

Done with Waiting

          As I was redoing the look of my blog yesterday, I read the subtitle; "Waiting for an adventure bigger than me. Waiting for a world about to open." I wrote this over a year ago as I was so excited to be leaving the country. I was so excited to be starting a new chapter of my life. And this past year, I did experience adventure. I experienced an open world. But it wasn't what I imagined. Life isn't what I imagined. I would have never dreamed that I would be here in Indiana a year ago. I would have thought that I failed. This isn't the case at all, but it is interesting to reflect on it.
          Let's take a minute to reflect on what did happen this year. My dad got diagnosed with Parkinson's. I took part in my best friend's wedding. I moved to a new country, learned a new language, and met tons of new people. I lived my dream of backpacking around part of Europe with a dear friend (my cousin Cara). I Couchsurfed, I ran a half-marathon. I hosted visiting family and friends. I fell into depression. I struggled with decisions of what to do with life. I moved back to the United States. I became an aunt. I celebrated the 85th birthday of my Grandma Smith. I explored a new city in the U.S. I became a vegan. I moved to Indiana and started a graduate program. I mourned the death of my Grandma Schmidt.
           I think quite a year would be an understatement. I don't have many regrets about this year. Although parts of my time in Croatia were really hard, I learned so much. I experienced so much. I formed relationships that will stick with me through a lifetime. But I now realize that I am done waiting. Life is the adventure. The ups and downs became so much bigger than myself. The world was opened up to me in new exciting ways, but also I saw first hand the hard realities of life and death. And so now instead of waiting, I want to live. I want to live knowing that adventure doesn't have to be across the sea and it includes a lot of loneliness and depression. I want to live knowing that world is open and it was only in my mind that it was closed.
          I guess I need a new subtitle. Does anyone have an suggestions?

Eat Food, Not Too Much, Mostly Plants

          The title of this blog post comes from Michael Pollen's book In Defense of Food. I listened to this audiobook with my parents this summer. Although Pollen does not advocate for a vegan diet, his book has so many good things to say and has help influenced my decision to become a whole-foods vegan. I really think everyone should read this book, even if it might not interest you (my parents were kind of forced into listening to it, but even they found it really interesting). In Croatia, I didn't have too much control over my diet. I either ate in a cafeteria or cooked my own food in this tiny, really gross kitchen. It wasn't a great situation. I missed being a vegetarian and was ready for something new. I especially wanted a way to eat healthier and feel good about myself, while not counting calories or feeling guilty about eating. Whole-foods veganism was the best option for me.
          I want to say that I do not think that everyone should become vegan. However, it has now been two months and I love it. It has changed the way I approach food and eating. I eat a lot of vegetables and a lot of whole grains such as quinoa, brown rice, whole wheat couscous, and much more! When I buy non-produce, I am forced to read labels. For the first time in my life, I know exactly what is going into my body. Even if you are not interested in changing your diet, I encourage you to take a look at what you are eating. Often it is scary that so many things that you do not know what it is or even how it is pronounced is consumed. (I recently saw a facebook post about this where it encouraged people not to eat things they could not pronounce except for quinoa :) )
          I try to eat what is in season, which has been really easy so far. A friend of mine is currently interning at a farm and has brought me a lot of produce. I also get expired or bruised food at the co-op where I work. This has been such a great way to save money on groceries and be creative. I now look at what ingredients I have and then find a recipe. I have made a lot of kale chips as well as cauliflower quinoa curry, grilled zucchini hummus pizza, lentil vegetable soup. Cooking has been a great outlook and a really fun new hobby. And the food has been delicious! I feel like I eat good food all of the time, but I never feel guilty because I use healthy ingredients. The few times I have binge-ate, it has been on granola.
          I want to share more recipes on this blog, but for now I will leave you with one of my new staples, a green smoothie. It might look weird, but you cannot taste the spinach at all and instead get a peanut butter smoothie with tons of healthiness included! Who knew that being a vegan would taste so good?!? http://ohsheglows.com/2011/01/13/classic-green-monster/

If you are interested in any recipes, want to know more, or have a great recipe to share please send me an email! julias.nicole@gmail.com