First Impressions

          First off, I want to apologize for all my spelling and grammar mistakes! It would be okay if I was writing Croatian, but i do not have that excuse. The only one I have is that I have been posting from iPad and it is harder to type and easier to make mistakes. But enough of that, many of you are wanting to know about some of my first impressions of Croatia.

          Like anywhere, life so far has had it's ups and downs here. I arrived Sunday night and a couple who work at the Seminary showed me my room, then took me out to eat and to a supermarket. I was surprised by how American everything felt. The restaurant had pasta dishes, pizza, and other things that seemed fairly normal. The supermarket was huge! I was expecting something small with little choices and short ours, but they had everything and are open to nine every night. I was looking forward to not making as many decisions while here, but to my dismay, there were hundreds of choices of shampoo and toothpaste, lots of which were recognizable. 

          Other things that have surprised me so far about Croatia are the dress and lack of smoking. I was expecting dress to be like Western Europe where everyone looks really nice and wears darker colors. But, that has not been the case at all. People dress in whatever they feel like, and even at the seminary people will wear colorful t-shirts and flaires jeans. So I am here in my dresses and feel super dressed up. But, I suppose I was always dressed up at college, so it does not matter too much. I was warned before I got here that Croatians smoke all the time and I need to get used to the smell, but I honestly have not seem or smelled much smoking. Perhaps it is because I have not left the seminary much yet (I will get to that), but I was surprised. The only bad smell I have smelled has been at random points of the day, it smells like old, smelly mulch outside. I have no idea why and it does not always smell like this; in fact, it smelled like fabreeeze this morning.

          The seminary where I am at is tiny. I think they said there are only like ten students and around the same number faculty and staff. I am in the basement of the library putting new books (donations to the seminar) into the database. The plan is to work around 5-6 hours a day. Although it is not a very exciting job, I enjoy it. An old Croatian man has been training me and although he can be picky with small details, he seems to think I am a really good student and will tell me jokes from time to time. There are at least four other people that volunteer in the library and are all very nice. It can be a bit awkward and lonely for me when they are all talking and laughing in Croatian, but they are kind and I know I am a help to them there.

           I live in a dorm here. The other volunteers from the library live here, as well as students, and other random people (including part of a men's basketball team). I eat breakfast and lunch in a cafeteria, then supper in a small tea kitchen. The food has not been exceptional, but I have enough. I really like my bedroom, although my Internet has not been working in my room, but that should be fixed within the week (so if you want to Skype, let me know your schedule for next week!). People have been really friendly and I am slowly learning names and becoming less shy (very slowly).

           I began my language tutoring today and I absolutely love my tutor! She is in her late twenties I believe and is a high school Croatian teacher, but because of the bad economy, she does not have a job. She is super friendly and helpful as we have dived into the Croatian book I bought while in the States. I will be meeting with her three times a week and she will be great to have as an encouragement and culture interpreter.

         As I mentioned earlier, I have not been outside of the seminary yet. It is only my third day, but honestly I have been super nervous to go out. I know I shouldn't be as this is a really safe city and I call myself an adventurer, but when it comes down to it, I am so scared to do things by myself. Yesterday I forced myself to go out on a run. I went down to a river and it was weird because I didn't know that people don't smile and say hi to strangers as they did in Elgin. I don't know why I imagined they would, but it caught me off guard. But after talking to my tutor, I feel better and I think I will be more confident the next time I go out running. Today, I knew I had to go buy a notebook so I could write out my Croatian words. I knew where it was (vaguely) but I was so nervous. I had to remind myself that "sometimes the things you fear are the things most worthwhile." My first go around I did not see anything that looked like a grocery store. There was a bakery and a butcher and a bunch of other stores, but no grocery store. So wimp that I am, I went back to the library and worked a couple more hours. However, I asked and found out where it was (down some stairs!) and afterwards set out again. And it wasn't scary! I found what I needed and then treated myself to a treat (see picture below).

          At my best, I am excited to be here and ready to take on this challenge. I conquered the grocery store and will be able to learn this language and make friends. At my worst, I am a nervous wreck. I feel utterly alone (which I know is not true as all of you out there love and believe in me) and wonder why I ever thought it would be a good idea to go by myself to a foreign country where I know no one nor the language. I put as my Facebook status today, "a ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are meant for," as a reminder that I can do this. I can make this strange new place my home and become a new, better version of myself. Sometimes, though, it is easier said than done.

          

Across Europe

           This post will not be able to go up until I arrive in Croatia, but I thought it would be fun to record my whole journey from Geneva to Osijek. I am hoping this trip will go by with no problems, but as always when I travel, I wish for interesting things to happen along the way. And this will be my record.

October 19, 2013 4:50 pm

I departed Geneva and am on my first train to Zurich. Swiss trains seem to be really nice and much quieter than Metra (the trains from Elgin to Chicago). I take up two seats with all my luggage and myself. Nothing extremely interesting is happening. The two girls across the aisle ate speaking French, so I can't eavesdrop on their conversation.

8:29 pm

I am now on my overnight train from Zurich to Zagreb. We should be departing the station in about ten minutes. I had almost an hour in Zurich in which I did several laps around the train station, peeked my head outside, bought a sandwich and pastry, the boarded this train. I believe I have finally arrived in a land without English. My conductor brought me to my cabin, although he switched me so I would be with just one other person. I didn't really meet her, but she, her husband, and the conductor sorted out where all the luggage should fit. I am pretty sure they only speak a few words in English if any. We have tiny bunk beds in a compartment with a sink. They got my backpack up above my bed (the top one) and my suitcase is on the ground. I was confused if I was to be in my bed the entire ride, so I asked the conductor (I don't know if this is actually the right word for him. He is the one who takes care of everyone in the entire car) where I sit. After some confusion and gesturing, I learned that I do sit on my bed. Although I cannot sit upright. This will be an interesting ride... I will be here until 10:35 tomorrow morning. 

 

October 20, 2013 9:27 am

I am now in Slovenia somewhere. The night actually went really well. I liked the movement of the moving train and even though I woke up a lot and at one point had to remove my comforter because it was too hot, I slept decently. This morning my compartment mate wished me guten morgen. I responded in Croatia, because I the conductor was speaking to her in Serbian/Bosnian/Croatian last night. She invited me to sit on her bed while she went out somewhere. She then came and got her things to leave. I believe she was moving cars because the car we are on does not continue after Zagreb. I know that I will also have to do the same, but was unclear if I should move already because we are still at least an hour from Zagreb (I think... I actually don't know where we are or if I am still on time). I might should find the conductor and maybe move, but I don't feel like miming at this moment and becoming more confused. This car should definately make it to Zagreb, and there I can change cars. Slovenia is beautiful, though. I could sit here looking out my window all day! The mountains remind me more of the Appalacians, although scattered in the hills are old villages and beautiful churches. The fall leaves are gorgeous and we have been traveling alongside a river for a while now.

11:26 am

My train is just leaving Zagreb. Somewhere in the night we must have been delayed a bit, then the Slovenia and Croatian passport checks took a little bit of time, although they were both at the same stop. They came on the train, which was nice. So I guess I now have been in 19 countries! That makes me excited. The main thing I noticed about Zagreb riding in was all the graffiti. I had to get off my train, wait while they switched out the sleepers for regular cars, then got back on. Some nice man helped me with my bag and put me In the compartment with his wife. She seemed worried when I said I was going to Osijek and got some English speaker to come help. But I didn't really need the help since I know I need to get off at Vinkovci and buy a ticket there to go to Osijek. She is now reading a magazine as I stare out the window and look at my Croatian book. It is weird to finally be in the country and I look forward to the next three hours as I view the Croatian countryside. Oh, this is also the train I have been on with compartments. This one seats six, so I feel kind of like Harry Potter!

3:19 pm

I am on my final train ride of the day! Yay! I am ready to be done with trains and luggage for a while. The last train ride was spent sleeping and gazing at the countryside. Honestly, the countryside was not too exciting. The mountains disappeared with Zagreb and it was mostly fields, power lines, and small villages. Not quite as flat as northwest Ohio, though. My compartment mate wished me "happy day" as she got off the stop before me :) I cannot wait until I can have conversations with people! In Vinkovci I bought a train ticket, some Jana water (that is the brand name of bottled water in Croatia! Now I get to think of my best friend everytime I need to buy some!), and then found out which was my train. Unfortunately, I had to go down and up stairs to get to the right platform and my suitcase is so heavy I got a blister on my hand. But that is my fault for overpacking. This train is small and old,  but I am not too picky. Some kind man go my suitcase on the train for me. Once again have two seats for me and all my luggage. Now it is just 35 minutes and I will be in Osijek!

7:34 pm

I am now in my new bedroom in Osijiek! Everything went without a hitch and I was picked up at the train station by a couple from the seminary. I am so tired but wanted to post this before anything else. It is weird because I feel like I have been having this conversation all day, but in reality it has all been in my head until now. Thanks to all who read the entirety of this post... Looking back, it is not terribly interesting. I will hopefully put up a new post with my first impressions of Osijek soon. Sending my love!

The Moments You Don't Talk About

        I want to take a moment to talk about some of the moments in life that don't usually get written about. Those moments when you come down from a high. Those moments when you realize that you cannot be happy all the time and loneliness and sadness begins to set in. Not the extreme feelings of depression, but the everyday moments when you remember all of your insecurities and just want someone to recognize and appreciate you, but yet you don't make the effort to find someone. The moments when you are tired and can't seem to be brave, even though if you would, you would be happier. The moments when all you do is watch tv because then you forget the fact you are alone.
         I am not writing this post to have people worry about me, because I am in fact doing great. I am in Switzerland and am having a really good orientation. I am excited about my train trip to Croatia tomorrow (!). But, I want this blog to be honest. I don't want to remember only the good parts, but also the parts like tonight, which are quite ordinary. As I have been learning in the last few years, life does not go in a straight line, but is a series of ups and downs. These times are normal, but are rarely expressed. So here's to tonight. May I find blessing in the solitude and rest before my next adventure.

For Good

         So here I am. Tomorrow I fly to Switzerland and begin the next stage of my life. I am full of so many emotions right now. But the one word that describes me most right now is blessed. I am feeling so incredibly, overwhelmingly blessed. On Thursday I finished up with BVS's fall orientation, and I absolutely loved my three weeks in Maryland! The group of twenty-four volunteers really connected and I loved that I could feel so a part of the group, while also having staff responsibilities. Honestly, I liked this orientation more than my own. I made some lifelong friends that I know I will stay in touch with and hear about their own adventures while in BVS.
         Then on Saturday, my best friend Jana got married. It was so good to be in Berne, Indiana (where I went to high school) and celebrate with her as one of her bridesmaids. The wedding was outside and we had beautiful weather and she was the most gorgeous bride! Even though being back in the town after over two years was hard and brought back memories of many struggles I faced while living there, I was happy to reflect on how much I have grown and changed since I lived there.
          And now I am in Pandora for my last night. I have been spending a lot of quality time with my parents and my oldest brother and desperately trying to fit everything in my suitcase. I am so excited to go, but it is going to be really hard saying goodbye to my parents. We are so close and have not been away from each other for more than two years.
         However, I know this is the right move. I feel it in my gut that going to Croatia is exactly what I am supposed to do. In some ways, I feel like my whole life has been preparing me for this moment. I am excited, but I know I would not be at this place without the deep support and love of so many people. And I would not be here without some of the struggles I have been through and the people that I didn't get along with. All have taught me who I am and has changed the course of my life.
         And that brings me to the lyrics of a song. I like to have songs to take me through transitions and there are several that fit (such as John Denver's "Leaving on a Jet Plane," Anna Kendrick's "When I'm Gone," Owl City's "Gold"), but today I want to dedicate the song, "For Good" from the musical Wicked to everyone who has been there with me on this journey. I am so blessed and I have been changed by all the relationships in my life.

"I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me 
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from it's mooring 
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you.

I have been changed for good."

On Romantic Relationships

          One thing I have been always hesitant to write about on my blog has been about romantic relationships. It is a very personal subject and one that I have struggled with for a long time. However, as I have developed a greater sense of myself, I have made peace with where I am at. I am inspired by my dear friend Krissy to share with all my readers a few of my thoughts.

         First, I want to say that I have never been in a relationship. And for the longest time, I have felt shame because of this. Our society is one that focuses so much around romance and couples, that it is strange when a twenty-two year old has never been in a relationship. I have often felt abnormal, and thus embarrassed by this fact. I hate to say it out loud, but I wondered if there was something wrong with me that no one seemed interested. My mentor would tell me that guys were intimidated by my self-confidence, but I never bought that.

         But I am now realizing that I have nothing to be embarrassed about. In the time when others have been falling in love and worrying about crushes, I have been out living my life. I just graduated from college and had the best four years of my life! I do not need a romantic partner to feel whole. In the last four years I have done so much and learned so much about myself. Although I would have been open to a relationship, I can't imagine what that experience would have been like with one. Relationships take time, which means I would have had to give up something else during my time at EMU,  and I can't imagine what that would have been. My life would be so different right now. And I honestly am really happy with where I am right now and would not want anything different.

          As I have continued to ponder these things, I have come to the conclusion that even if I never fell in love, I would still have a happy, and fulfilled life. I admit that at some point I would like start a relationship and eventually get married, but I could do without. I have so many dreams and aspirations that are more important to me and the person I enter into a relationship with would have to want to see those dreams with me. I also have so many deep, fulfilling relationships with friends, that I don't need a romantic partner to make it through. I am deeply loved and cared for by so many people.

        I also do not develop serious crushes very easily. There have really been only three guys that I have developed serious crushes for. Two of these have been in the last year. But with both of them, I developed the crushes, not because I feel like I need to be in a relationship, but because they are really great guys that have a lot of amazing qualities. I was brave enough to tell the last one how I felt and although it didn't work out, I felt so empowered by the experience. I was able to be vulnerable and express my feelings while staying true to who I am. 

          I don't know what the future holds. But I am finally at the point where I am comfortable with being myself and knowing that is enough. I am open to a relationship, but I am not living my life looking for one. (But don't be intimidated by this self-confidence!) There are so many adventures ahead of me and I cannot wait to see where life takes me!

        

A Month in Elgin

          I often forget how crazy life can get. Emotions can change in a blink of an eye and you learn how to transition. Humans are pretty incredible in how they can adapt and survive. And in these crazy transitions I often find that I can't seem to find the words to write or even the motivation. But I have made it my goal to try to catch up. I got an incredible amount of views on my last post and I feel like I should clarify part of my thought process... My blog is my journal and shows one point in time. I have struggled with my faith, but that is honestly only a small piece of what is happening and what I have been thinking about. I feel like it might have seemed more dramatic than it actually is. Especially in the last couple of weeks, I have thought very little about this struggle as I have been busy and my thoughts are elsewhere.    

         I do want to share a bit about my time in Elgin. I spent a month working for BVS at the headquarters of the Church of the Brethren. Since I overlapped with someone else it was sometimes a challenge to always find something to be working on. However, looking back, I actually got a lot accomplished in the time I was there. I enjoyed helping get things together for the fall orientation. The BVS staff is just really great and I am so thankful for this great organization I have joined. I really feel like I am in the right place and have been able to see what a ministry and blessing BVS is on people's lives. 

          Although I was there for work, I tried to get the most out of my time in Elgin. My first weekend my dear friend Amy came to visit and we walked all over town and saw what there is to discover. Elgin is technically a suburb of Chicago, but didn't really feel like one to me. There are all these old Victorian houses everywhere (mostly rundown) and everyone is so friendly. I loved running and everyone I pass smiling and greeting me. One woman even encouraged me... "You can do it! You can do it!" It seemed like a cool place with a river running through the middle and a huge city library.

          Being so close to Chicago, I was able to take the train in several times. I actually made it six times in the four weeks. Two of those times were for Cubs games. A couple of people gave me nd the house tickets since they knew we were poor and couldn't afford it ourselves. Another Saturday I met two of my good college friends, Lisle and Elias downtown Chicago. We walked all around, went out to eat with Lisle's parents, explored an used book store and an art museum, then played games back at my house in Elgin. Another afternoon was spent at the Jazz Festival. I went with my housemate Jenna and met up with two BVSers from my orientation. There, I made a friend with a five year old boy named Michael and played and danced with him while his parents listened to the jazz.

          The last weekend, Jenna and I went to Chipotle's Cultivate Festival. My dearest friend Jana came in from Goshen and we listened to some great bands as well as learned about the terribleness of factory farms and got coupons for free burritos! The day was great, except for the fact that the many miles of walking gave my feet terrible blisters! The next day Jana and I went back into Chicago and went to Navy Pier. It was a great time hanging out and being together one last time before I leave and she gets married. I cannot believe that her wedding is only two weeks away!!! I am so excited for her special day and am excited to celebrate with her!

          My time in Elgin came to a close with a perfect night with my housemates. We all had a good dinner together (chili, corn bread, and pineapple) then went out to ice cream, then played a board game. I was only there a short time, but I got close with my housemates and it was a bit sad lea Inge, knowing that I would not be coming back. After spending almost a week at home, I am now back in New Windsor for the fall orientation.

Losing My Faith Again

          My blog is really a journal I keep. As an extrovert, I do not do well with recording my thoughts and feelings, when I would so much rather talk with someone about them. However, I really like to write and thus a blog is the perfect way to write/journal and share what I am thinking with others. As my journal, I try to make it as honest as possible. I truly want to have a record of where I was during a certain moment in time, realizing that who I am is always changing. It is really incredible as I have read back over my writings in the past two years to see where I have struggled and where I have changed. It might not be the healthiest to put all my feelings out in public domain where anyone might come across it, but I have learned not to be ashamed of who I am, even if others might disagree and I might change later.
         All that to say is that faith is one area where I am been struggling and I am want to be honest with myself of where I am at right now. The truth is I believe I have lost my faith. I titled this blog entry, "Losing My Faith Again" after reading my blog post from a year ago, "Finding My Faith Again" (http://julia-exploringtheinfiniteabyss.blogspot.com/2012/08/finding-my-faith-again.html). As I have gone throughout this past year (which really has been one of the best years of my life), I find myself having so many more questions about God that I cannot find satisfactory answers. I find myself drawn to the church (I was a faithful church attender this past year at Shalom Mennonite in Harrisonburg), while at the same time, getting farther and farther from God.
         I will not go into my specific questions right now (as there are a lot of them concerning God and God's role in the world), but I wanted to express how I feel kind of caught. On one hand, I want to have faith and be a reckless believer of an all-loving God. I love the idea of nuns who "marry" God. They are so sure in their beliefs that they literally spend their lives living as Christ. I think that kind of love is beautiful and romantic. I am drawn to Mennonite theology and want to spend my life in service and of love to others around me. I agree fully with the ideas of simple-living, peacemaking, and service. And for a lot of people, it is God who inspires these ideas. But, as much as I want to, I don't feel this God and I don't see this God working in the world. And I understand that faith is more than seeing, but with all my questions, faith in God just doesn't make sense. As much as I like the idea of God, I can't seem to fully believe.
         But I can't not believe either. Last week I found myself just wanting so badly to be able to call myself an atheist. I think life in many ways makes sense without a God. I read a book a few years back called "Good Without God: What a Billion Nonreligious People Do Believe" by Greg Epstein. The book talked about humanism and I found myself agreeing with most everything in the book. It made sense... I think the world without a God makes sense. But even so, I couldn't quite convince myself there wasn't a God. And now, when I have more questions than ever and am at a point when I would be open enough to say I am an atheist, I cannot ignore something in me telling me that God exists.
         Where does that leave me? At orientation I declared myself to be agnostic for the first time. I have never liked the idea of agnosticism... not quite believing, but not quite an atheist. It seemed somehow weak and shallow. But that is where I am right now. I think it will change... I don't think that I will stay agnostic for too long. My spiritual director has no doubts that I will find my faith again. I am not as sure as she, but I am hoping in my time abroad, where I am away from everything I have known, I will find some sort of clarity, be it one way or the other. As always, I am open to hear anyone's thoughts (julias.nicole@gmail.com).