First Christmas Away From Home

          This year is the first Christmas that I have ever been apart from my family. As the dorm where I am living has emptied out and people have been going home, it has been really hard. I let myself think of all I will be missing and allowed myself to become extremely homesick. Thursday and Friday were spent overeating white chocolate and feeling sorry for myself. However, you do not need to worry too much. Friday night I skyped my good friend Lisle. We have been reading The Bridge on the Drina, a nobel prize winning book by Ivo Andric which takes place in Bosnia. Friday was our second out of three book discussions on it. It is a really good book and Lisle and I have had wonderful discussion on it! It feels so good to be doing something a little more academic and of course, skyping with a good friend can always cheer me up.
         The other thing that cheered me up was more planning for my upcoming trip. Even as I want to be home for Christmas, I am probably more excited for what is actually going to happen. My cousin Cara is flying into Zagreb on Tuesday! Cara is a year older than me and we have always been close. But I still cannot believe that she is actually missing Christmas at home to come be with me! And we have an epic adventure planned! First, once she arrives in Zagreb (I am taking a bus there on Tuesday morning), we will travel by bus together down to Split. We will then spend 3 days exploring Split and neighboring towns and islands. My friend Miriam from Sarajevo will also be joining us a couple of days. Then, we will head back to Zagreb for two days. On the 30th, we will take a bus to Vienna, Austria where we will spend New Years. On New Years Ever, we will be running a 5.4 km race, then enjoying the New Years Eve Walk which includes a huge market and waltzing! On January 2, we will head over to Budapest, hungary for the last leg of journey. Cara will then fly home from Budapest on January 5 and I will head back to Osijek.
          So really, not a bad way to spend Christmas at all. And yesterday turned out to be a nice quiet day here in Osijek. I went for a long jog, then had a delicious lunch spent talking to my friend Debora, a long walk in the sunshine to two grocery stores to get snacks for my upcoming trip and a stroll by the Drava, and then an almost three hour skype call with my friend Amy and a two hour skype call with my mom. Both of which felt like I was just hanging out and not so far away. Today, I slept in and have plans of packing and cleaning and going the the church's Christmas program. And then it is only one more day before my next adventure begins!

Different Version of Myself Part 2

          A few months ago I wrote a post about my fear of not being able to be the person I want to be- the person I was at EMU (http://julia-exploringtheinfiniteabyss.blogspot.com/2013/08/becoming-different-version-of-myself.html). And in many ways, this fear is a reality… I am not the person I was. I don’t believe people here know the complex person I am, but strangely, I have become comfortable this. People might not know a lot know the real me, but I have become okay with this.
           So you might be wondering, who am I here in Croatia? First, I would say I am quiet…quiet and shy. At EMU, I was so full of confidence and as a Senior in several leadership positions, I would talk to anyone. But it took me three years to obtain that confidence. Here, I am not in any sort of leadership role and I am not top dog. Instead, I am by myself in a place where I do not know what is expected culturally or socially, I don’t speak the central language, and no one knows my background. I find myself intimidated in social situations and thus flee to my room.
           And it is here in my room that I sit now. Because in my room, I feel safe. In my room, I can still be the person I think I am. Here, I spend my days (when not at work or otherwise engaged) studying Croatian, writing and skyping friends and family back home, researching peace initiatives in this country, reading books just for fun, and more. I feel like I am Cinderella from the 1997 Whitney Houston version where Brandy sings about “her own little corner,” the chair in the corner where Cinderella is able to pretend to be whoever she wants. In my room, I am I can be who I want to be. Especially when I write or skype my loved ones back home, I feel like myself. Knowing that there are so many people out there who know the real me, makes me feel okay that people here don't.
          I don't want you to get the impression that I never leave my room or I never talk to people because that is not true either. During my work in the library, I talk with the other volunteers (mostly in English, but sometimes I also practice my Croatian). Like I have mentioned before, I feel comfortable in the library. I have a job to do and I do it well. And I am friends with the people I work with and even joke around with them. On Friday, was the seminary's Christmas party and I became part of the decoration committee and spent the two evenings before (and part of my work time in the library), helping prepare for the event. People commented on my artistic ability, which felt really good. It was really fun helping prepare and feeling a part of things.
          Saturday night, I was invited to help make and eat crepes (referred to as pancakes here). The evening eventually morphed into a small dance party and a movie night. It was really fun, but in this type of situation, I find it the hardest to be myself because people were mostly speaking Croatian. I can understand eating and dancing, but I cannot yet follow conversation. So even though I am so glad I was included and I really did enjoy the night, I could not help but feel left out and not myself. This is no one's fault and is part of living in a foreign country.
          And so I try to have a balance. I try to be social and talk to people and let people get to know me. But I also give myself grace when I fail at being outgoing. It takes a lot of time for me to become comfortable and I have only been here two months. I also allow myself to escape to my room so I can feel free to be myself. I can write and skype back home to be energized to leave my room once more and discover more that Croatia has to offer. I am no longer desperately homesick and I rarely have really bad days. I have become content with where I am at, even if I am not completely satisfied with who I am outside my bedroom door. 

A different type of Thanksgiving

          I arrived back in Osijek yesterday afternoon from my week of traveling. Honestly, I was not happy to be back. I had such a good time exploring new places and reconnecting with old friends that I had no desire to come back to my life here. However, today has been a great day. I was welcomed back to the library with a hug from Joška, the oldest volunteer in the library. He had told me before I left that I was not allowed to get married when I was gone because I was needed in the library. Although he was joking, I could tell that he was happy today that I was back. Joška actually just received an award tonight for his great volunteer work in the library. I joined a vanfull of people form the seminary to go to the old city where there was a special ceremony on International Volunteer Day for Joška and others receiving awards. As I celebrated with him, I realized that although I am not completely comfortable or happy here in Osijek, I have found a place where I belong. And driving through the city on the way home tonight, I realized that the streets and buildings are familiar here. Slowly, Osjiek is becoming my home.
          A week ago I boarded a bus at 10:30 pm, which drove through the nights with many stops, before finally reaching Split around 10:15 am. The last three hours of the trip, although were really slow with a million stops, was absolutely breathtaking as it went along the coast. I was finally able to see the Adriatic sea, islands, and coastline for which Croatia is so famous. It really is as great as everyone has told me and I would strongly encourage everyone to go and see it! After leaving my backpack in a locker, I took off to explore the city. I was blown away by the old city with all the winding paths and darling buildings. I walked along the sea then hiked to the top of this hill overlooking the entire city. I ate a Thanksgiving dinner of an ice cream cone, while sitting under a palm tree. By the time I met Julianne, the BVSer living in Split, in the early afternoon, I was worn out from walking and the long night on the bus. Although Julianne had to work, I enjoyed staying in her apartment and being able to video skype my family (YAY for working internet!)
          Friday morning, Julianne and I took a 10:55 bus to Mostar. This was a four hour bus ride, but the first two hours were once again along the coast. As we headed into Bosnia, I was able to observe the countryside there. I was surprised at how much the mountains and even houses reminded me of Iraqi Kurdistan! My director, Kristin, and BVSer Stephanie met us at the bus station and we took our stuff to Stephanie's apartment before going out to get some groceries to make our Thanksgiving dinner. The dinner turned out great! We had mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, stuffing, corn, beans, chicken, pumpkin pie, and ice cream! It was all so delicious! Saturday morning we got to explore Mostar a bit.
          I found Mostar really interesting. It is a more Mediterranean climate (although it was cold when I was there) so there are palm trees and pomegranate trees. The city was once a part of the Ottoman empire and Turkish influences are still everywhere. I was so surprised to feel like I was back in Istanbul looking at the different souvenirs. Mosques are prevalent all over the city and you can drink Turkish coffee and eat baklava! I loved feeling like I was back in Turkey/Iraq! The other interesting par of Mostar is that you can see remnants of the war everywhere. There are many bombed out buildings still standing around the city. Saturday afternoon we went to a nearby town to see the mouth of the river and an old Dervish building. We drank Turkish tea (just like I became accustomed to) and ate Turkish delight and rice pudding. It was so nice to escape the cold and have time to relax. Later in the day, I was able to read for a long time before going to to eat at a great local restaurant. It was really nice being with the other BVSers, hearing about their projects, and learning more about my neighboring country.
          Sunday morning I took a two and a half hour bus ride from Mostar to Sarajevo. The ride was goregous, as we travelled along a river. As we got higher in elevation, there was snow everywhere. And although I am not a fan of snow, it looked beautiful. Seriously, the villages looked like mini winter wonderlands! My friend Miriam, then met me at the bus station.Miriam and I knew each other when I was very little in Kansas. Our parents were in the same church small group, but Miriam is five years older than me so even then we did not know each other well and I moved away when I was six. Miriam is doing SALT (a volunteer program with Mennonite Central Committee) in Sarajevo this year and when she heard I would also be in the Balkans (the Mennonite world is very connected), she got in contact with me in Phoenix this summer and we decided to meet up. And it was great! Although we really did not know each other, we connected right away and I felt right at home staying with her. I actually felt more at home with her than I have felt since coming with her. There is something about being with another Mennonite and Kansan that makes me feel completely comfortable and at home.
          My three days in Sarajevo were spent walking around, making and eating food in Miriam's apartment, drinking hot chocolate (white hot chocolate!) at a local cafe, salsa dancing, meeting the other MCCers, buying food at local markets, talking, touring her work, and much more. Although I did not fall madly in love with Sarajevo like I was expecting to, I did enjoy it. It was a lot more what I was expecting Croatia to be... it does not feel like a Western place. But it is bustling and busy, which I loved. However, it is also really dirty and smoggy. I did not really enjoy my hair smelling like smog after an afternoon walk. One of the other things that I did was learn from Miriam how to make zwieback. Now zwieback is a Russian Mennonite bread recipe that I grew up with. However, my mom never learned how to make them and thus I have also never known. But Miriam not only knew, she had worked at a bakery in Kansas for two years making them, so I was learning from the best. It was great to not only get to know a new place, but connect back with my own roots. I hope to make zwieback myself once I get my own apartment when I move to Zagreb.
          The week was truly spectacular, but now I am back to work in the library. But it is less than three weeks until Christmas which brings with it more traveling and a new adventure!

A Visit From My Director

          This past weekend, my director from Switzerland came to Osijek to visit me. She visits every project in Europe once a year and she always comes to the Balkans around Thanksgiving time. It was fun having her here and showing her around Osijek as well as letting her see what my daily life looks like. She arrived on Thursday night and left early Sunday morning. During that time she came with me to work, sat in on my Croatian lesson, and explored the city together. Friday afternoon we went to lovely place called Cookie Cafe where we drank tea and ate cookies. We ate out on a boat restaurant on the Drava before meeting up with the professor who arranged for me to come to the seminary. We learned about the different peace projects she has been involved with as well as met a man who as a child, spent 260 days in a concentration camp during the war here in Croatia. He now travels around telling his story. He was very inspiring and I plan to write more about him after I finish reading his story.
         Saturday, we went to the center of town and visited the tourist office as well as the bus station so Kristin could buy her ticket for the next day. We then took part in a small protest that was happening on the central square. The Croatian government is voting on a referendum on December 1 that would add "marriage is for one man and one woman" to the Constitution. A rally of sorts was taking place in support. However, we met a group of young people that were speaking out against the referendum. I was very happy to join these protestors in action against the referendum and show my support as an ally. I also befriended one of the young people and learned about the NGO he works for, called Youth Initiative for Human Rights. I am hoping to be able to do a sort of internship with them during my time in Croatia as they are opening as office soon in Osijek.
          Kristin and I then explored a little bit of the old city. We got to climb on the city walls, which was really great. I have learned to love climbing on city walls through my experiences in Derry, Northern Ireland, Diyarbikir, Turkey, and Istanbul. After a time of exploring we met up with the man I will be working for when I move to Zagreb. It was great to be able to talk with him a little bit and hear about the work I will be doing for the next two years when my official placement begins. Saturday afternoon was spent drinking tea inside out of the rain and cold, then venturing out for dinner. It was so nice to have someone who knows me more to talk to and be able to process my first month with.
          The reason that Kristin comes to the Balkans around Thanksgiving is to have the BVSers of the region come together for the holiday. She visited one BVSer in Split Sunday, Monday, and today, then tomorrow will head to Mostar, Bosnia to visit another one. I am following in her path and will take a night bus to Split tomorrow night. I will arrive Thursday morning and will spend Thanksgiving exploring the city on my own. I will stay with the BVSer there, then the two of us will travel to Mostar together on Friday. It will be so nice to explore new places and spend time with other volunteers! On Sunday morning I will take a bus up to Sarajevo where I will visit a friend who is with Mennonite Central Committee and stay with her until Wednesday morning. I will then make my way back up to Osijek. It will be nice to have a week away and see another part of the region. 

Gold Forever / Being Infinite

Say my name like its the last time
Live today like its the last night
We want to cry but we know its alright
Cause I'm with you and you're with me

Butterflies, butterflies, 
We were meant to fly, you and I, you and I
Colors in sky, we can rule the world someday somehow
But we'll never be as bright as we are now

We're standing in a light that won't fade
Tomorrow's coming but this won't change
Because some days stay gold forever
The memory of being here with you is one I'm going to take my life through
Because some days stay gold forever

Promise me you'll stay the way you are
Keep your fire alive and stay young at heart
When the storms feels like it will blow you out
Remember you got me, and I got you.

Butterflies, butterflies
We were meant to fly, you and I , you and I
When the innocence is dead and gone, these will be the times we look back on

I won't, I won't let your memory go because your colors, they burn so bright
Who knows, who knows what tomorrow will hold but I know that we'll be alright


We're standing in a light that won't fade
Tomorrow's coming but this won't change
Because some days stay gold forever
The memory of being here with you is one I'm going to take my life through
Because some days stay gold forever

These are the lyrics to my favorite song called Gold Forever sung by The Wanted. I first heard it a year and a half ago and since then I have been asking people about days or moments they remember as golden: the times in  your life that you will always remember as being perfect. As the song says, these are the memories we will remember when life gets hard and those people that were there are the ones who will always be there. As I am adjusting to my new life in Croatia, I want to share a few of my golden days. I have had many of these in the past four years, but I shall only mention a few here.

..... Freshman year of college I had a field trip to DC and my friend Lisle came with me. We had the perfect day of visiting art museums (my first time at an art museum, where I think I first fell in love with art) then iceskating on the mall (my very first time iceskating), then ending with a Shakespeare play.

..... Sophomore year of college my roommate Rachel came home with me for fall break. We got to drink apple cider, go through a corn maze with Jana and another friend from high school, then spend a terrific day at Cedar Point. That semester was also the semester when our friend Shelby practically lived in our room as a third roommate. We would have the absolute best dance parties and late night talks.

..... Junior year of college I was in Paris for a class trip. Krissy and I ventured off on our one night to visit my family who had just arrived for vacation. After saying hi, we went to a church service at the Sacre Cour (this is around 10pm). After the service we heard some music and went to investigate. A guy was playing his guitar and singing covers of songs to a group gathered. Krissy and sat down and listened and sang along (he sang many of my favorite songs) as we overlooked the entire city. On our way back to the hostel, we stopped to take our pictures together in a photo booth.

..... Senior year of college I went to Philadelphia with five dear friends of mine (Josh, Krista, Seth, Rachel, and Erin) for a conference. Although the conference was good, what I will remember most is the time that we all spent together, exploring the city, watching MegaMind, and taking silly pictures together. Just a week later Krista and I had an exceptional evening of drinking tea together and stargazing. I then left the next day with my roommate Ruth and three other friends to explore Istanbul together.

..... This summer when Josh, Ruth, James, and Jenna came to Colorado to visit me was a golden week! Everything was perfect and I don't know if I have ever been happier. I was in my favorite place in the entire world and with some of my closest friends, acting silly, listening to great music, and going on awesome adventures.

..... And the final one I will mention also happened this summer. Krissy came to visit for a couple of days and on the way back to Detroit to drop her off at the airport we talked a lot. I was processing a large conflict I have having with someone and she just listened and voiced her continued support. We then played Gold Forever and as we sang out loud, I knew that things would be okay because I had her in my life. I knew that Krissy would always be there for me. As would Lisle, Rachel, Shelby, Josh, Krista, Jana, Amy and the many other close friends I have. And they have been. As I have emailed and skyped with my friends, I have been able to transition to living here and knowing that no matter the storm I would be okay.

What have been your golden moments? When have you felt the most alive? And more importantly, who were you with? Who are the people that help you realize that everything is going to be okay?

I want to end this post with a quote from my favorite movie, Perks of Being a Wallflower. The movie describes this same feeling of golden moments but with the idea of feeling infinite. You probably could guess that I love this quote because it is also linked to the title of my blog. I like to see life as an infinite abyss and when we are living life to the fullest, we also feel that we are infinite.

I know these will all be stories someday. And our pictures will become old photographs. We'll all become somebody's mom or dad. But right now these moments are not stories. This is happening. I am here and I am looking at her. And she is so beautiful. I can see it. This one moment when you know you're not a sad story. You are alive, and you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you're listening to that song and that drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment I sear, we are infinite.

The first step into peace work

          I have now been in Croatia for four weeks! Four weeks of transitioning and learning about myself, a new country, and of course a new language. In the midst of this transition, I have temporarily forgotten one of the main reasons that I have come here. And that is to learn about peace work and the war that occurred here less than twenty years ago. It is strange to think of this place in the midst of war... life seems so normal now. However, as I visited the Osijek Center for Peace, Nonviolence and Human Rights on Thursday, I learned a lot more about the effects of war on the people here and work being done for justice and human rights.
          First, though, I want to mention two instances when I witnessed reconciliation at work. The first happened a couple of weeks ago here at the seminary with a presentation of the Bible, newly translated into the Bosnian language. Most of the presentation was in Croatian, but the last speaker was from the U.K. and thus spoke in English. He has helped translate the Bible into many different languages and helped with this new translation. He explained that the main translators of the Bible were actually Muslims. These Muslims from Bosnia, wanted the Bible translated into Bosnian as a sign of reconciliation towards the Christians in the country. He went to talk about how these Muslims were cousins of Christians and we should not be afraid of the differences between the two religions. Coming from EMU, hearing someone talk on inter-faith dialogue is not a new concept, but it was interesting to hear it in the context of Bosnia, where Christians and Muslims live side by side.
          The second instance of reconciliation was at the youth conference I attended in Zagreb and this weekend at the Pentecostal church I attend. The youth conference brought in participants from not just Croatia, but Slovenia, Bosnia, and Serbia. This did not seem like a big deal to me, but one of my translators pointed out to me how incredible this really is. At one point they had people from the different countries stand up and everyone else cheered loudly. I was told that for Croatians to be cheering loudly for Serbians is really unique and does not happen. And this weekend, a Roma band from Serbia has been here and leading worship in several different services. I have loved to hear this new kind of music (think of a normal praise band, but then add violin, clarinet, and accordion) and enjoyed getting to know more about Serbia and Roma culture. However, I also realize that this is not normal for the country. It really impresses me that the evangelical church here really works to be a church body across nationalistic and political lines. This is reconciliation at work.
          But now, I am hoping to really learn so much more about peacebuilding here in Croatia. My meeting with the staff of the peace center went great and I hope to have coffee with them again this week. They gave me several books and magazines to read about peace work in this region after the war and I have spent part of my weekend being all nerdy, reading up on how groups are monitoring war crime trials and specific peacebuilding practices that occurred after the war. Reading has brought back some of my passion and my excitement to be here in this country, which I had lost as I had been feeling homesick and awkward. It reminded me of what I want to do with my life and the importance of learning Croatian. But it has also challenged me to keep questioning what I am doing.

The following is a list that Goran Božičević has written about why internationals enter the peacebuilding field. It doesn't paint a pretty picture, but I think this list is important for young idealists like myself to think about as we enter into international peacebuilding.

a) Peacebuilding is a new field, not many people are even aware of its existence - so activists can consider themselves as pioneers, even as making history. 

b) Peacebuilders are supposed to bring about change, or at least manage it, which gives a powerful feeling.
c) We can earn quite a good income from working 'in peacebuilding'. Plus, if we count more than money, we earn huge benefits: experience, exposure to different cultures, contacts...
d) Peace work takes place in situations at the edge of danger, which means that it is emotionally demanding (so we have the rewarding feeling that we are doing a hard job).
e) We have the privilege of being part of big, powerful, dominant structures, but we are also distant from them. What I mean is that our passport is -often- protecting us. Established, functioning, efficient health and social care systems are backing us up. If the situation should worsen, evacuation will be organised for us. Our kids have access to all the resources 'those kids in the field' do not have. We are/feel like 'normal' people - but in the 'field' reality, we are not.
f) We consider ourselves as 'good guys', even though we never say so. As we are fixing what 'bad guys' have done, we must be the good ones. This feeling creates individual and collective 'identity'.
g) Wherever you work, whatever conflict you are managing (they are 'all the same' or -well- 'similar') you always find someone you know from some other crisis - an old friend. The more you work and travel, the more people you know. In the end, we are one (relatively small) community.*

*From Collusion and Disobedience: Positive peacebuilding practices in Croatia in 1990s and later. 

Being a kid again

          As many of you know, I am attempting to learn Croatian. I say attempting because Croatian happens to be one of the hardest languages to learn. And since I have never really learned a language before (Spanish in high school doesn't really count), I am learning how difficult it really is. But my tutor is great and slowly (VERY SLOWLY), I am picking up a few words and phrases. My newest plan is to attempt to read children's books. I figure they can't be that hard and I love reading, so this is the perfect way to learn! I have a few children's Bibles and today a friend checked out this book about bicycles from the library for me to read. Luckily, it has easy words and lots of pictures. Even so, I am still struggling with the all the words. 

          Another thing that makes me feel like a kid again is the essay I had to write last weekend for my homework. My tutor knew I was going to the zoo, so she gave me zoo words and told me to write about my time. This is my essay. "Idem u zoo s mojim prijateljem. Vidimo puno životine. Moja najdraža životinja je žirafa. Dvije žirafe su u zoo-u u Osijeku. Mojem prijatelju se sviđa tigar. Tigar spava. Majmuni u kavezu su smiješni. Blizu lava je medvjed. Tamo su tri vuk. Jedan vuk je ljut. Ne hranimo životinje. Ptice su zanimljive i lijepe. Ribe su dosadne. Mi ze zabovljamo."

          Translated, this reads, "I go to the zoo with my friend. We see lots of animals. My favorite animal is the giraffe.  There are two giraffes in the zoo in Osijek. My friend likes the tiger. The tiger sleeps. The monkeys in the cage are funny. Next to the lion is the bear. There are three wolves. One wolf is angry. We did not feed the animals. The birds are interesting and pretty. The fish are boring. I had fun." As you can tell, I do not know past tense yet and my transitions are a little rough. But for being here under four weeks, it is not too bad. I am anxious for the time when I just know Croatian, but that will only come with time and much practice. So for now, I will try to enjoy being a kid again. 

Being Brave

         One thing people have told me here as well as before I left the U.S. is that I am being very brave. There are not many twenty-two year olds who would leave their family and friends behind to travel to a new country where they know no one and do not speak any of the language. As I have been here, sometimes I wonder if stupidity is more like the right word. But honestly, it was brave to come, but I find myself having to be brave everyday. 

         I am not an outgoing type. Although I love people and I love building new relationships, I have to really push myself to go up to someone and begin talking. Especially since I have been here, I find myself so nervous to have a conversation and especially to practice my Croatian. I am so self-conscious. I cannot tell you why I am this way. I really wish I wasn't. I am so envious of people who can just go up to anyone and begin a conversation. This is my struggle and I make little victories everyday. 

         Such as yesterday, I was having a really good day. I felt like I connected well with my coworkers in the library and decided to ask a friend to go to the zoo with me today. He doesn't speak much English, but I used the little Croatian I knew and we went today and had a good time. Another friend invited me to join a worship band for student chapel and tonight I had practice (the first time playing the bass guitar in about four years!). I was then invited to a girl's night with a neighbor and her friends, and it was great (the conversation was half in English and half in Croatian). I am making connections and I feel like my life is stabilizing a bit. 

          And some things that made me so nervous a week ago, don't phase me anymore. Such I have been running regularly and no longer think that everyone is staring and talking about me. I am not afraid to go to the grocery store or take a walk around the block. But I still feel that need to be more assertive. I am working hard to be brave, yet have the grace to accept myself for who I am. And as much as I would like to be, I am not out-going in new situations. It will probably always be hard for me to put myself out there and be fully engaged in potentially awkward situations. And that is okay. The important thing is that I am here and I am trying. 

         And being in this situation has brought a new insight into my life about welcoming the stranger. Especially last weekend as I was in Zagreb, I wanted so much for people to just come up and talk to me. It was hard to see people in their own groups and even when they knew I was alone and a foreigner, most did not make an effort to welcome me. Some people did show me amazing hospitality and began conversations. And that felt so good. And here at the seminary, people have been so nice and many have taken the initiative to be my friend. But it has made me reflect on situations when I was on the inside and had my own group... did I actively seek out those who were new or lonely? Was I willing to be brave and leave my comfort zone to welcome someone else?

         You do not have to leave your home to be brave. But you do need to leave your comfort zone. I challenge anyone who reads this to examine your own life. Is there a time when you have seen someone all alone, yet did not go up to them? Is there someone you could invite out for coffee to make them feel like they have a friend? I invite you to join my struggle... go out there and make some new friends. Leave safety behind in order to show radical hospitality. Go be brave!

Highs and Lows

         It has been two weeks since I arrived here in Croatia. I wish I could tell you that I made it past my transition period and absolutely love this new adventure I am on. However, I made a promise to myself that my blog would always reveal the truth. And the truth is that there have been some really low moments these past two weeks and I continue to struggle with adjusting to this new place and the fact that I am not going home for two and a half years. But it would also be a lie to say I am depressed all the time and hate it here. There have been some really good days and I believe it was the right decision to come here. So let me share with you some of my highs and lows for the past two weeks.
          First a high. The city of Osijek is situated on the Drava river. The Drava is less than a kilometer away from me and it is my probably my favorite thing about the city thus far. It is not a very big river, but the movement and peace of the river touches part of my soul. When I am by the river, I feel like I can breathe and be refreshed with a sense of calm and peace. There is a short river walk near me and a larger one near the center of town. I try to run or walk on one of these paths everyday. This is getting harder as it gets darker sooner (it is completely dark by 5pm!) and the weather is turning a little bit colder (I actually wore a jacket over my sweater when I went to the grocery store today). However, I really want to stay in the habit of being active and going to the Drava and finding calm in the midst of everything happening in my life.
          Another high is the feeling of becoming more and more comfortable. I was gone this weekend and it felt so good to come back to the seminary and my room. I am becoming really comfortable around the other people in the library. They are interested in me and always ask me how I am doing. Today, a new volunteer (newer than me!) told me how sorry she was that her English wasn't better or else she would translate some of the conversations happening. I have been left alone with my work (no one checks for mistakes anymore) and it feels really good to know what I am doing and be trusted to do a good job. I have yet to get bored with the work, so that is really good. I am also slowly getting to know a couple of other people living in the dorm. I had coffee with my next door neighbor last weekend and couple of boys have been helping me with my Croatian. They say they like to practice their English with me (although their English is so much better than my Croatian!). I even played chess last week with one of the guys. I am also more comfortable moving about town if it is going on a run or buying groceries. I am not nearly as nervous as I was last week.
          As I mentioned earlier, I was gone this weekend. Friday was a national holiday (All Saints Day), but I actually left Thursday afternoon with a large group to go to a protestant church youth conference in Zagreb. The weekend was full of highs and lows... some really low and some pretty high. I think the hardest part was that everyone seemed to have a group and did not care to get to know a new person. It would have been a hard situation even in the U.S., but having a language barrier made it even harder. I have to be honest that for part of it I was really angry because I knew that people knew I was alone and did not know Croatian and they knew English, yet they did not talk to me. I felt so alone and was so incredibly homesick. I wanted to get on the next flight back to the U.S. But I knew that was not an option.
         One of the reasons I choose BVS was I did not want to spend only one year in a country. Partly because you cannot learn a new language in a year, but partly because I did not want to be able to count down the days. I knew that if I knew I was going home, I would just allow myself to check out and just wait to go home. But I am here two and a half years... I cannot count down that much! I am not going home and thus I have to deal with my feelings here. I need to find a way to turn around the situation and learn to survive. A friend recently put up the following quote from the movie Away We Go on her facebook page. "It's all those good things you have in you. The love, the wisdom, the generosity, the selflessness, the patience... You have to be so much better than you ever thought you could be." In the same way, here I have to be more than I think I can be. I have to deal with the lows because I don't have a choice. And somehow tleave everything I have known to spend over two years away. But I am here and I am doing it. And somehow thinking about this made me feel better.
         And the weekend got better. I went with one of my coworkers in the library who is in her mid-thirties. And it was really nice getting to know her better. She really tried to take care of me and include me in different activities. She was the one who made sure that someone interpreted the worship services and workshops for me. I feel so grateful to have met her and have her in my life. Another couple of girls a little older than me also began including me in their activities and talking to me. One girl in particular is from Zagreb and when I told her that I was moving there, she said that we would be good friends and I would come to her church. She actually has already emailed me, which is so incredibly sweet. Another missionary couple (the woman is Croatian, husband American) took me out to this awesome coffee shop and was telling me about some of the big differences in culture.
          The conference itself was okay. It was evangelical, which most of you know I am not. However, I am at the place in my spiritual journey where I do not get upset when someone has theology I do not agree with, but instead am able to look for the parts that I can agree with. I know I will never agree with  the beliefs of most of the people there, but I can find still search and find pieces of truth and love. I have actually started to pray and there have been moments when I find myself believing again. Being alone out of my comfort zone has me really thinking more about God than I have in the past year. I plan to start going to the local church here, which is Pentecostal. It is not something I am completely comfortable with, but I think it will be good for me and help me to continue make connections with people.
          There have been plenty more highs and lows, but this post is getting long and I have some Croatian homework that I want to get done. As always, I love getting any feedback, be it Facebook, comments, or email. (Regular mail is fine too!) Reading your encouraging words always brings a smile to my face and makes my day a little brighter!

First Impressions

          First off, I want to apologize for all my spelling and grammar mistakes! It would be okay if I was writing Croatian, but i do not have that excuse. The only one I have is that I have been posting from iPad and it is harder to type and easier to make mistakes. But enough of that, many of you are wanting to know about some of my first impressions of Croatia.

          Like anywhere, life so far has had it's ups and downs here. I arrived Sunday night and a couple who work at the Seminary showed me my room, then took me out to eat and to a supermarket. I was surprised by how American everything felt. The restaurant had pasta dishes, pizza, and other things that seemed fairly normal. The supermarket was huge! I was expecting something small with little choices and short ours, but they had everything and are open to nine every night. I was looking forward to not making as many decisions while here, but to my dismay, there were hundreds of choices of shampoo and toothpaste, lots of which were recognizable. 

          Other things that have surprised me so far about Croatia are the dress and lack of smoking. I was expecting dress to be like Western Europe where everyone looks really nice and wears darker colors. But, that has not been the case at all. People dress in whatever they feel like, and even at the seminary people will wear colorful t-shirts and flaires jeans. So I am here in my dresses and feel super dressed up. But, I suppose I was always dressed up at college, so it does not matter too much. I was warned before I got here that Croatians smoke all the time and I need to get used to the smell, but I honestly have not seem or smelled much smoking. Perhaps it is because I have not left the seminary much yet (I will get to that), but I was surprised. The only bad smell I have smelled has been at random points of the day, it smells like old, smelly mulch outside. I have no idea why and it does not always smell like this; in fact, it smelled like fabreeeze this morning.

          The seminary where I am at is tiny. I think they said there are only like ten students and around the same number faculty and staff. I am in the basement of the library putting new books (donations to the seminar) into the database. The plan is to work around 5-6 hours a day. Although it is not a very exciting job, I enjoy it. An old Croatian man has been training me and although he can be picky with small details, he seems to think I am a really good student and will tell me jokes from time to time. There are at least four other people that volunteer in the library and are all very nice. It can be a bit awkward and lonely for me when they are all talking and laughing in Croatian, but they are kind and I know I am a help to them there.

           I live in a dorm here. The other volunteers from the library live here, as well as students, and other random people (including part of a men's basketball team). I eat breakfast and lunch in a cafeteria, then supper in a small tea kitchen. The food has not been exceptional, but I have enough. I really like my bedroom, although my Internet has not been working in my room, but that should be fixed within the week (so if you want to Skype, let me know your schedule for next week!). People have been really friendly and I am slowly learning names and becoming less shy (very slowly).

           I began my language tutoring today and I absolutely love my tutor! She is in her late twenties I believe and is a high school Croatian teacher, but because of the bad economy, she does not have a job. She is super friendly and helpful as we have dived into the Croatian book I bought while in the States. I will be meeting with her three times a week and she will be great to have as an encouragement and culture interpreter.

         As I mentioned earlier, I have not been outside of the seminary yet. It is only my third day, but honestly I have been super nervous to go out. I know I shouldn't be as this is a really safe city and I call myself an adventurer, but when it comes down to it, I am so scared to do things by myself. Yesterday I forced myself to go out on a run. I went down to a river and it was weird because I didn't know that people don't smile and say hi to strangers as they did in Elgin. I don't know why I imagined they would, but it caught me off guard. But after talking to my tutor, I feel better and I think I will be more confident the next time I go out running. Today, I knew I had to go buy a notebook so I could write out my Croatian words. I knew where it was (vaguely) but I was so nervous. I had to remind myself that "sometimes the things you fear are the things most worthwhile." My first go around I did not see anything that looked like a grocery store. There was a bakery and a butcher and a bunch of other stores, but no grocery store. So wimp that I am, I went back to the library and worked a couple more hours. However, I asked and found out where it was (down some stairs!) and afterwards set out again. And it wasn't scary! I found what I needed and then treated myself to a treat (see picture below).

          At my best, I am excited to be here and ready to take on this challenge. I conquered the grocery store and will be able to learn this language and make friends. At my worst, I am a nervous wreck. I feel utterly alone (which I know is not true as all of you out there love and believe in me) and wonder why I ever thought it would be a good idea to go by myself to a foreign country where I know no one nor the language. I put as my Facebook status today, "a ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are meant for," as a reminder that I can do this. I can make this strange new place my home and become a new, better version of myself. Sometimes, though, it is easier said than done.

          

Across Europe

           This post will not be able to go up until I arrive in Croatia, but I thought it would be fun to record my whole journey from Geneva to Osijek. I am hoping this trip will go by with no problems, but as always when I travel, I wish for interesting things to happen along the way. And this will be my record.

October 19, 2013 4:50 pm

I departed Geneva and am on my first train to Zurich. Swiss trains seem to be really nice and much quieter than Metra (the trains from Elgin to Chicago). I take up two seats with all my luggage and myself. Nothing extremely interesting is happening. The two girls across the aisle ate speaking French, so I can't eavesdrop on their conversation.

8:29 pm

I am now on my overnight train from Zurich to Zagreb. We should be departing the station in about ten minutes. I had almost an hour in Zurich in which I did several laps around the train station, peeked my head outside, bought a sandwich and pastry, the boarded this train. I believe I have finally arrived in a land without English. My conductor brought me to my cabin, although he switched me so I would be with just one other person. I didn't really meet her, but she, her husband, and the conductor sorted out where all the luggage should fit. I am pretty sure they only speak a few words in English if any. We have tiny bunk beds in a compartment with a sink. They got my backpack up above my bed (the top one) and my suitcase is on the ground. I was confused if I was to be in my bed the entire ride, so I asked the conductor (I don't know if this is actually the right word for him. He is the one who takes care of everyone in the entire car) where I sit. After some confusion and gesturing, I learned that I do sit on my bed. Although I cannot sit upright. This will be an interesting ride... I will be here until 10:35 tomorrow morning. 

 

October 20, 2013 9:27 am

I am now in Slovenia somewhere. The night actually went really well. I liked the movement of the moving train and even though I woke up a lot and at one point had to remove my comforter because it was too hot, I slept decently. This morning my compartment mate wished me guten morgen. I responded in Croatia, because I the conductor was speaking to her in Serbian/Bosnian/Croatian last night. She invited me to sit on her bed while she went out somewhere. She then came and got her things to leave. I believe she was moving cars because the car we are on does not continue after Zagreb. I know that I will also have to do the same, but was unclear if I should move already because we are still at least an hour from Zagreb (I think... I actually don't know where we are or if I am still on time). I might should find the conductor and maybe move, but I don't feel like miming at this moment and becoming more confused. This car should definately make it to Zagreb, and there I can change cars. Slovenia is beautiful, though. I could sit here looking out my window all day! The mountains remind me more of the Appalacians, although scattered in the hills are old villages and beautiful churches. The fall leaves are gorgeous and we have been traveling alongside a river for a while now.

11:26 am

My train is just leaving Zagreb. Somewhere in the night we must have been delayed a bit, then the Slovenia and Croatian passport checks took a little bit of time, although they were both at the same stop. They came on the train, which was nice. So I guess I now have been in 19 countries! That makes me excited. The main thing I noticed about Zagreb riding in was all the graffiti. I had to get off my train, wait while they switched out the sleepers for regular cars, then got back on. Some nice man helped me with my bag and put me In the compartment with his wife. She seemed worried when I said I was going to Osijek and got some English speaker to come help. But I didn't really need the help since I know I need to get off at Vinkovci and buy a ticket there to go to Osijek. She is now reading a magazine as I stare out the window and look at my Croatian book. It is weird to finally be in the country and I look forward to the next three hours as I view the Croatian countryside. Oh, this is also the train I have been on with compartments. This one seats six, so I feel kind of like Harry Potter!

3:19 pm

I am on my final train ride of the day! Yay! I am ready to be done with trains and luggage for a while. The last train ride was spent sleeping and gazing at the countryside. Honestly, the countryside was not too exciting. The mountains disappeared with Zagreb and it was mostly fields, power lines, and small villages. Not quite as flat as northwest Ohio, though. My compartment mate wished me "happy day" as she got off the stop before me :) I cannot wait until I can have conversations with people! In Vinkovci I bought a train ticket, some Jana water (that is the brand name of bottled water in Croatia! Now I get to think of my best friend everytime I need to buy some!), and then found out which was my train. Unfortunately, I had to go down and up stairs to get to the right platform and my suitcase is so heavy I got a blister on my hand. But that is my fault for overpacking. This train is small and old,  but I am not too picky. Some kind man go my suitcase on the train for me. Once again have two seats for me and all my luggage. Now it is just 35 minutes and I will be in Osijek!

7:34 pm

I am now in my new bedroom in Osijiek! Everything went without a hitch and I was picked up at the train station by a couple from the seminary. I am so tired but wanted to post this before anything else. It is weird because I feel like I have been having this conversation all day, but in reality it has all been in my head until now. Thanks to all who read the entirety of this post... Looking back, it is not terribly interesting. I will hopefully put up a new post with my first impressions of Osijek soon. Sending my love!

The Moments You Don't Talk About

        I want to take a moment to talk about some of the moments in life that don't usually get written about. Those moments when you come down from a high. Those moments when you realize that you cannot be happy all the time and loneliness and sadness begins to set in. Not the extreme feelings of depression, but the everyday moments when you remember all of your insecurities and just want someone to recognize and appreciate you, but yet you don't make the effort to find someone. The moments when you are tired and can't seem to be brave, even though if you would, you would be happier. The moments when all you do is watch tv because then you forget the fact you are alone.
         I am not writing this post to have people worry about me, because I am in fact doing great. I am in Switzerland and am having a really good orientation. I am excited about my train trip to Croatia tomorrow (!). But, I want this blog to be honest. I don't want to remember only the good parts, but also the parts like tonight, which are quite ordinary. As I have been learning in the last few years, life does not go in a straight line, but is a series of ups and downs. These times are normal, but are rarely expressed. So here's to tonight. May I find blessing in the solitude and rest before my next adventure.

For Good

         So here I am. Tomorrow I fly to Switzerland and begin the next stage of my life. I am full of so many emotions right now. But the one word that describes me most right now is blessed. I am feeling so incredibly, overwhelmingly blessed. On Thursday I finished up with BVS's fall orientation, and I absolutely loved my three weeks in Maryland! The group of twenty-four volunteers really connected and I loved that I could feel so a part of the group, while also having staff responsibilities. Honestly, I liked this orientation more than my own. I made some lifelong friends that I know I will stay in touch with and hear about their own adventures while in BVS.
         Then on Saturday, my best friend Jana got married. It was so good to be in Berne, Indiana (where I went to high school) and celebrate with her as one of her bridesmaids. The wedding was outside and we had beautiful weather and she was the most gorgeous bride! Even though being back in the town after over two years was hard and brought back memories of many struggles I faced while living there, I was happy to reflect on how much I have grown and changed since I lived there.
          And now I am in Pandora for my last night. I have been spending a lot of quality time with my parents and my oldest brother and desperately trying to fit everything in my suitcase. I am so excited to go, but it is going to be really hard saying goodbye to my parents. We are so close and have not been away from each other for more than two years.
         However, I know this is the right move. I feel it in my gut that going to Croatia is exactly what I am supposed to do. In some ways, I feel like my whole life has been preparing me for this moment. I am excited, but I know I would not be at this place without the deep support and love of so many people. And I would not be here without some of the struggles I have been through and the people that I didn't get along with. All have taught me who I am and has changed the course of my life.
         And that brings me to the lyrics of a song. I like to have songs to take me through transitions and there are several that fit (such as John Denver's "Leaving on a Jet Plane," Anna Kendrick's "When I'm Gone," Owl City's "Gold"), but today I want to dedicate the song, "For Good" from the musical Wicked to everyone who has been there with me on this journey. I am so blessed and I have been changed by all the relationships in my life.

"I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me 
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from it's mooring 
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you.

I have been changed for good."

On Romantic Relationships

          One thing I have been always hesitant to write about on my blog has been about romantic relationships. It is a very personal subject and one that I have struggled with for a long time. However, as I have developed a greater sense of myself, I have made peace with where I am at. I am inspired by my dear friend Krissy to share with all my readers a few of my thoughts.

         First, I want to say that I have never been in a relationship. And for the longest time, I have felt shame because of this. Our society is one that focuses so much around romance and couples, that it is strange when a twenty-two year old has never been in a relationship. I have often felt abnormal, and thus embarrassed by this fact. I hate to say it out loud, but I wondered if there was something wrong with me that no one seemed interested. My mentor would tell me that guys were intimidated by my self-confidence, but I never bought that.

         But I am now realizing that I have nothing to be embarrassed about. In the time when others have been falling in love and worrying about crushes, I have been out living my life. I just graduated from college and had the best four years of my life! I do not need a romantic partner to feel whole. In the last four years I have done so much and learned so much about myself. Although I would have been open to a relationship, I can't imagine what that experience would have been like with one. Relationships take time, which means I would have had to give up something else during my time at EMU,  and I can't imagine what that would have been. My life would be so different right now. And I honestly am really happy with where I am right now and would not want anything different.

          As I have continued to ponder these things, I have come to the conclusion that even if I never fell in love, I would still have a happy, and fulfilled life. I admit that at some point I would like start a relationship and eventually get married, but I could do without. I have so many dreams and aspirations that are more important to me and the person I enter into a relationship with would have to want to see those dreams with me. I also have so many deep, fulfilling relationships with friends, that I don't need a romantic partner to make it through. I am deeply loved and cared for by so many people.

        I also do not develop serious crushes very easily. There have really been only three guys that I have developed serious crushes for. Two of these have been in the last year. But with both of them, I developed the crushes, not because I feel like I need to be in a relationship, but because they are really great guys that have a lot of amazing qualities. I was brave enough to tell the last one how I felt and although it didn't work out, I felt so empowered by the experience. I was able to be vulnerable and express my feelings while staying true to who I am. 

          I don't know what the future holds. But I am finally at the point where I am comfortable with being myself and knowing that is enough. I am open to a relationship, but I am not living my life looking for one. (But don't be intimidated by this self-confidence!) There are so many adventures ahead of me and I cannot wait to see where life takes me!

        

A Month in Elgin

          I often forget how crazy life can get. Emotions can change in a blink of an eye and you learn how to transition. Humans are pretty incredible in how they can adapt and survive. And in these crazy transitions I often find that I can't seem to find the words to write or even the motivation. But I have made it my goal to try to catch up. I got an incredible amount of views on my last post and I feel like I should clarify part of my thought process... My blog is my journal and shows one point in time. I have struggled with my faith, but that is honestly only a small piece of what is happening and what I have been thinking about. I feel like it might have seemed more dramatic than it actually is. Especially in the last couple of weeks, I have thought very little about this struggle as I have been busy and my thoughts are elsewhere.    

         I do want to share a bit about my time in Elgin. I spent a month working for BVS at the headquarters of the Church of the Brethren. Since I overlapped with someone else it was sometimes a challenge to always find something to be working on. However, looking back, I actually got a lot accomplished in the time I was there. I enjoyed helping get things together for the fall orientation. The BVS staff is just really great and I am so thankful for this great organization I have joined. I really feel like I am in the right place and have been able to see what a ministry and blessing BVS is on people's lives. 

          Although I was there for work, I tried to get the most out of my time in Elgin. My first weekend my dear friend Amy came to visit and we walked all over town and saw what there is to discover. Elgin is technically a suburb of Chicago, but didn't really feel like one to me. There are all these old Victorian houses everywhere (mostly rundown) and everyone is so friendly. I loved running and everyone I pass smiling and greeting me. One woman even encouraged me... "You can do it! You can do it!" It seemed like a cool place with a river running through the middle and a huge city library.

          Being so close to Chicago, I was able to take the train in several times. I actually made it six times in the four weeks. Two of those times were for Cubs games. A couple of people gave me nd the house tickets since they knew we were poor and couldn't afford it ourselves. Another Saturday I met two of my good college friends, Lisle and Elias downtown Chicago. We walked all around, went out to eat with Lisle's parents, explored an used book store and an art museum, then played games back at my house in Elgin. Another afternoon was spent at the Jazz Festival. I went with my housemate Jenna and met up with two BVSers from my orientation. There, I made a friend with a five year old boy named Michael and played and danced with him while his parents listened to the jazz.

          The last weekend, Jenna and I went to Chipotle's Cultivate Festival. My dearest friend Jana came in from Goshen and we listened to some great bands as well as learned about the terribleness of factory farms and got coupons for free burritos! The day was great, except for the fact that the many miles of walking gave my feet terrible blisters! The next day Jana and I went back into Chicago and went to Navy Pier. It was a great time hanging out and being together one last time before I leave and she gets married. I cannot believe that her wedding is only two weeks away!!! I am so excited for her special day and am excited to celebrate with her!

          My time in Elgin came to a close with a perfect night with my housemates. We all had a good dinner together (chili, corn bread, and pineapple) then went out to ice cream, then played a board game. I was only there a short time, but I got close with my housemates and it was a bit sad lea Inge, knowing that I would not be coming back. After spending almost a week at home, I am now back in New Windsor for the fall orientation.

Losing My Faith Again

          My blog is really a journal I keep. As an extrovert, I do not do well with recording my thoughts and feelings, when I would so much rather talk with someone about them. However, I really like to write and thus a blog is the perfect way to write/journal and share what I am thinking with others. As my journal, I try to make it as honest as possible. I truly want to have a record of where I was during a certain moment in time, realizing that who I am is always changing. It is really incredible as I have read back over my writings in the past two years to see where I have struggled and where I have changed. It might not be the healthiest to put all my feelings out in public domain where anyone might come across it, but I have learned not to be ashamed of who I am, even if others might disagree and I might change later.
         All that to say is that faith is one area where I am been struggling and I am want to be honest with myself of where I am at right now. The truth is I believe I have lost my faith. I titled this blog entry, "Losing My Faith Again" after reading my blog post from a year ago, "Finding My Faith Again" (http://julia-exploringtheinfiniteabyss.blogspot.com/2012/08/finding-my-faith-again.html). As I have gone throughout this past year (which really has been one of the best years of my life), I find myself having so many more questions about God that I cannot find satisfactory answers. I find myself drawn to the church (I was a faithful church attender this past year at Shalom Mennonite in Harrisonburg), while at the same time, getting farther and farther from God.
         I will not go into my specific questions right now (as there are a lot of them concerning God and God's role in the world), but I wanted to express how I feel kind of caught. On one hand, I want to have faith and be a reckless believer of an all-loving God. I love the idea of nuns who "marry" God. They are so sure in their beliefs that they literally spend their lives living as Christ. I think that kind of love is beautiful and romantic. I am drawn to Mennonite theology and want to spend my life in service and of love to others around me. I agree fully with the ideas of simple-living, peacemaking, and service. And for a lot of people, it is God who inspires these ideas. But, as much as I want to, I don't feel this God and I don't see this God working in the world. And I understand that faith is more than seeing, but with all my questions, faith in God just doesn't make sense. As much as I like the idea of God, I can't seem to fully believe.
         But I can't not believe either. Last week I found myself just wanting so badly to be able to call myself an atheist. I think life in many ways makes sense without a God. I read a book a few years back called "Good Without God: What a Billion Nonreligious People Do Believe" by Greg Epstein. The book talked about humanism and I found myself agreeing with most everything in the book. It made sense... I think the world without a God makes sense. But even so, I couldn't quite convince myself there wasn't a God. And now, when I have more questions than ever and am at a point when I would be open enough to say I am an atheist, I cannot ignore something in me telling me that God exists.
         Where does that leave me? At orientation I declared myself to be agnostic for the first time. I have never liked the idea of agnosticism... not quite believing, but not quite an atheist. It seemed somehow weak and shallow. But that is where I am right now. I think it will change... I don't think that I will stay agnostic for too long. My spiritual director has no doubts that I will find my faith again. I am not as sure as she, but I am hoping in my time abroad, where I am away from everything I have known, I will find some sort of clarity, be it one way or the other. As always, I am open to hear anyone's thoughts (julias.nicole@gmail.com).

Becoming a Different Version of Myself

         Last night my house had spiritual directing. It was led by a man from our church (Highland Ave. Church of the Brethren) and is a monthly activity for whoever is living in the BVS house in Elgin at the time. I have to admit that I was ot really looking forward to the time, but it was actually really helpful as we did an activity called Lectio Devino with a picture instead of a Bible verse. As we reflected on a picture we were allowed to explore the different thoughts and images coming to us and reflect how our life is like a work of art. 

         Something in the picture reminded me of Europe, which in turn reminded me of one of my favorite movies, Chocolat. For anyone who has not seen it, I whole-heartedly recommend watching it. The main character in the movie is this woman who comes to a French village and opens a chocolate shop during Lent. The town and especially the church are aghast. I love the movie because it invites us to not play into the status quo, but challenge others and to truly be yourself. The main character always wears bright red shoes and refuses to do what is expected in the small town. However, she is also extremely loving and brings new life and energy to the town. In many ways, she is who I want to be. 

         During transitions, I often lose sight of who exactly I am. I have worked really hard to develop who I am during the last four years and am really satisfied with where I am. However, now that I am away from EMU, I find myself second-guessing myself. I think a lot more about how others are perceiving me and forget the things that make me me. I try to do my best to be quiet and fit in. At times like these I long to be the woman in Chocolat who can just come straight into a place and be herself, red shoes and all. What scares me even more is that soon I will be transitioning to Croatia. Not only will I be in another new place, communication will be really hard and it will be impossible to be the self I was at EMU.

        So how do I transition? Who do I be? One of my housemates asked me last night if I was okay with being a different version of myself. And I do not know that I am. I want people to know me and see me how I was this last year at EMU: full of confidence, leadership, craziness, and adventure. But, I realize that it won't be completely possible, especially during my first year in Croatia when I am just learning basic sentences in Croatian. I won't be able to express myself as usual, and I will be learning all new skill sets, which means that I won't have a leadership role and I most likely won't be confident.

        Usually when I write a blog post, I have something worked out, be it a reflection or an answer to a question I have been wondering. But this time, I don't. I truly don't know what I am going to do or be in Croatia. In many ways it is really exciting; this is why I chose some place so far away. I want to push myself and grow. However, I am also really nervous. I don't know what to expect and I won't have people and things that remind me who I am. So I am asking you, my readers. How have you dealt with transitions and becoming different versions of yourself? What expectations should I have, if any? Any other thoughts on being yourself? I would love to hear some responses, then post (anonymously) some of the responses in my next post. Please email me at julias.nicole@gmail.com... it would mean a lot to me!

         I have decided to bring with me a couple different reminders. First, I have some of my favorite pictures from the last year to hang on my walls. Second, I am bringing my favorite mug (that was given as a present at the end of the school year) and some Iraqi tea to remind me of all the tea parties I hosted this last year and the people and conversations that have shaped me. Thirdly, I am bringing a pair of bright red TOMS to remind me to not being afraid of being myself and standing out from the crowd. Lastly, I would love to bring with me letters of encouragement and support from people to open when I need to be reminded of who I am. If you would like to send a letter or card with me to Croatia, please send it to my home address (Julia Schmidt, PO Box 387, Pandora, OH 45877) before October 15. This way, when I am feeling down and lonely and nothing like the person I was, I will have something to open and be reminded of the person I really am and look for ways to be her despite all the difficulties I might encounter. Thank you in advance for all the notes! :)

BVS Orientation

          As I completed my two and a half week orientation for Brethren Volunteer Service on Saturday, I had many thoughts running through my head. One of them was that I needed sleep. I could not wait to be in my own bed and have some time away from other people. Being with twenty-six other people pretty much constantly for that long was draining my energy and I was ready to depart and have a break before beginning my time of service. However, as glad as I was to have orientation end, I began to miss people on my way home. You see, I met some pretty amazing people in my orientation. I heard a lot of inspiring stories and experienced new things. As little time as it was, orientation taught me quite a few things, things that will be essential as I move on to my time of service.

          I have been asked many times what I did for two and a half weeks. And the answer is a whole variety of things. We had special speakers come in to talk about different subjects related to service and the Church of the Brethren. We watched documentaries and performed acts of service in the community. We travelled to Harrisburg, PA for a weekend. We ate together, cooked together (under a really tight budget!), and hung out together. And it was in this togetherness where I learned more about myself and the workings of God (or the universe) in others. 

         The most important part of orientation for me was the sharing of our faith journeys. We all had to visually represent our faith journeys on a piece of paper, then share with the whole group our story. I have done this activity several times before, but it is always meaningful. And this time even the more so. Honestly, I often forget that everyone else has a story with hard things they have dealt with.  I get so wrapped up in my own worries and life journey, that I do not realize that hardships others have gone through/are going through. Learning people's journeys of faith changed the dynamics of the group, at least for me. I saw people more than just who I had seen them be, but as a the person they have emerged into. We had created a safe space and people were very vulnerable with what they shared. And I appreciated them all the more for it.
         And now it is my job to help plan and run the next BVS orientation. I am just finishing up my first week here in Elgin in the BVS office. Although I am a little exhausted from the transition and getting used to a new job, place, house, and housemates, I am enjoying it. Orientation was a meaningful time for me and I look forward to trying to create the same environment for the next group. 

Next Stop: Croatia

          This morning I received an email letting me know that my placement for Brethren Volunteer Service is official and my plane tickets are being bought! I have been looking forward to sharing about my future plans for months now, but have been waiting until everything was set in place. I will be working for a small non-governmental organization called RAND (Regional Address for Nonviolent Action) in Sesvete, Croatia, which is just outside the capital city of Zagreb. This peace organization promotes nonviolence as a lifestyle and a way of relating through training courses and networking. I am still a little unsure about the specific work I will be doing, but I am so excited to be learning about peace work in a post-conflict zone! My term is for two years, but they do not need me until May.

          In the meanwhile, I have secured two interim placements with Brethren Volunteer Service. In two weeks from today I begin my first interim placement in Elgin, Illinois, working as the Brethren Volunteer Service Volunteer Coordinator. Essentially, I will be helping coordinate the next BVS orientation that begins at the end of September. It will be strange going straight from my own orientation to being staff for the next one, but I am looking forward to working closely with the awesome staff and learning more about this organization I am a part of. I will be living in a volunteer house with three or four other people  (some who are with me now at orientation). I am looking forward living with others and being close by Chicago for a few weeks. I will then end the placement by coming back out here to New Windsor, Maryland to help lead the fall orientation.

          From Maryland, I am going back to Indiana for Jana's wedding (on October 12) before flying to Switzerland on October 15 for three days of getting over jet-lag and getting oriented with the European director of BVS. I will then take an overnight train to Zagreb, then a day train to Osijek, Croatia. In Osijek, I will be working in the library of the Evangelical Theological Seminary for six months. I will live in my own bedroom in seminary dorms and eat my meals in the cafeteria, while meeting several times a week with a tutor to learn Croatian. I am excited to see another part of the country before beginning my official placement and get a six month jump on language before I move where little to no English is spoken.

          I am just so excited about these next three years! I know that it won't be easy, but the adventure is calling my name and I am ready to go!

The Drop Off

          A lot of activities have happened since arriving at orientation, but I really want to share a little of today's experience. We were told that we would be having a service day In the community, but at breakfast we learned of what this would entail....being dropped off in groups of three In the middle of the country, told to find work for the day, then find a ride back in the afternoon with only water bottles and a packed lunch. First, I should say that we are in a good part of Maryland staying in a tiny town. They have doing this for fifty years and have never had a problem. Still, I have to admit that I was nervous as my group began going door to door looking for work. A lot of people were not home and the first people we did meet did not need any help.

         Finally, we came to a little country church. An older lady was cleaning, but was really exited to hear that we were willing to help out at her house. After she finished a couple of things at the church, she drove us to her house where two of us washed all her windows and floors, while the third weed whacked outside. She then insisted on an ice cream break (with 8 different types of ice cream!). We then took a nice walk with the woman and her dog and learned more about her life and the land where we were. Her husband's family had owned the land for he last 200 years! After our walk, we brushed out her dog, an excited border collie. I ended our time there by watering some flowers before she drove us back. Before we exited her car, ahe asked if she could pray for us. 

          It was just a really great feeling being able to feel useful. She was a widow and just really appreciated us, even though I felt like we didn't do anything very strenuous. She was just so appreciative, saying that she was terrible with the weed whacker and had been dreading cleaning the windows. Even though she seemed pretty healthy, she said she has fallen a couple of times before and trul appreciated the help. My favorite part of the experience, though, was to just hear some of her life story and connect with someone that I would never would have met otherwise.

          After dinner, we then got to hear the stories from the rest of the group. All the stories were different, but each one was special and everyone felt really good about how the day had went. It seems just amazing to me that a day starting off so uncertain and scary can end up being a fantastic day. I feel blessed to be having this experience and look forward to sharing more about my BVS experience. 

The following poem was shared in orientation and I really liked it, so I thought I would post it here. I would welcome any thoughts or stories. 

The Invitation

a poem by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

 

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals, or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine and your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with JOY, mine or your own: if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself: if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. I want to know if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty everyday, and if you can source your life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours or mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes" !

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn't interest me who you are, or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.