The Company You Keep in the Empty Moments

           I met with my spiritual director today an although we were talking about my relationship with God, I came to the realization at the session that I have not yet learned to love myself. I think I am happy with the person I am in the world, the person I am in relationship, but I am not happy with the person I am when I am alone. Someone recently brought up the poem "The Invitation," by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. I posted this poem on my blog a couple of years ago during BVS orientation, but had forgotten about it. (http://julia-exploringtheinfiniteabyss.blogspot.com/2013/07/the-invitation.html)The person mentioning this poem was thinking about some of the first lines about if I "will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive." However, what struck me then and more harshly today, is the last line... "I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments."
          I love my life. As readers of this blog know, I have amazing people in my life; I take the opportunity to do things I love such as study and travel; I try to live everyday with a sense of adventure and spend time reflecting. But for some reason, I don't like my own company in the empty moments. I hate being alone and I think it is because I still carry so much self-doubt. When I am alone, I have only my thoughts and I tend to overthink situations and overcriticise myself. This leads into a vicious cycle of seeing all my insecurities and flaws at once and becoming trapped in self-hate. To escape this cycle, instead of facing my own insecurities when I am alone, I distract myself through books, tv, other people, and even sleep. Because, I hate sitting in empty moments with only myself.
          As I was talking with my spiritual director, I mentioned how church was really meaningful this Sunday as we read and reflected on 1 Corinthians 13, the love chapter. As I read these verses out loud, I was struck anew at the deep, beauty in these verses that I hadn't seen before because they often seem so cliche. Here is David Moser's (my pastor) translation. "Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not envious, boastful, arrogant, or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it takes no delight with injustice but rejoices with the truth. It is always tolerant, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I felt something inside me realize that this is what I need more of in my life and actions. I remembered my Spanish teacher in Ecuador who talked about choosing love in every moment. (http://julia-exploringtheinfiniteabyss.blogspot.com/2015/06/passion-and-conversations-in-ecuador.html) Back then, I decided that I wanted to also do that. But time went on and I forgot. Yesterday, I was reminded of this and here in Corinthians we have instructions on what that means to choose love in every moment. We choose to be patent and kind and not get irritable. We choose to not insist on our own way, but be hopeful, be trusting. This is who I want to be in the world.
           But my spiritual director helped me see, that I also need to have these feelings toward myself. I had voiced that it is hard for me to give myself grace. As I talked, she pointed out that I was not being patient or kind towards myself. Before I can extend this love to others, I need to learn how to love myself: not just my actions or character, but love myself in those empty moments. I need to learn to extend myself grace. I recently referred to my favorite poem "To begin with, the sweet grass," by Mary Oliver in conversation with a friend. The poem ends with the line, "Love yourself. Then forget it. Then, love the world." I explained that I need to start focusing on loving the world instead of being so self-centered. However, today, I am reconsidering that. I realize that I don't love myself in the way I should. I still need to love others and love the world, but I still have work to do when it come to loving myself and becoming okay with myself in the empty moments.

On Romantic Relationships, Part 2

          My most read blog post to date was a post I wrote back in October of 2013 called "On Romantic Relationships" http://julia-exploringtheinfiniteabyss.blogspot.com/2013/10/on-romantic-relationships.html . In this post I wrote about my struggle with being single in today's society. I wrote how I felt abnormal and even embarrassed, but that I had come to the realization that I was happy being single and found so much meaning in life without having a romantic relationship. I wrote that I would not wait around for any guy but would live my life. For the last two years, I have done that. Although there were times when I still struggled with the abnormality of not ever having been in a relationship, I lived my life and went on crazy adventures. Seriously, since I wrote that post I have lived by myself abroad, visited at least seven other countries, started a grad school program, immersed myself in a new community, worked at least three different jobs, and much more. My life has continued to be full in every sense. I embraced my singleness and have been living out who I want to be in the world.
          A little over 3 weeks ago, my relationship status changed. For the first time, I have a person in my life who I call my boyfriend. And in some ways, the world has treated me differently. The most common response I have gotten as I have told people about this is "Congrats!" And that feels weird to me. It feels weird because this word connotes that I am doing something good and meaningful in a way that I wasn't before. I don't think everyone means it this way, but it feels like I am now entering a new, more developed stage. One woman, who is really such a dear, told me that I was a late-bloomer like herself. I hated this because I think I have been "blooming" for a long time. And my thoughts on life and singleness hasn't changed.
          I am in a relationship because I really like this guy and want to explore what this relationship could be. I am not in it because I wanted to change my relationship status or because I want to be able to tell other people that I am finally normal. I am not in it because I have now developed personally and am now ready for it. This relationship just happened and it is good because of the person I am in the relationship with. He is kind, caring, intelligent, funny, cute, and a bit ridiculous. I am happy, but I realize that I am not a different person because I am now in this relationship. I still crave adventure and am crazy busy with school, work, and traveling. I still hang out with my friends and develop deep relationships outside of him.
          I am changing in the fact that all relationships change you. Different people come into your life and change things. And it turns out that being in a romantic relationship for me, brings out a lot of my insecurities. Like traveling, being in close contact with someone makes you realize some your traits that you don't like and don't see in other situations. In many ways, I would rather still be single so I wouldn't have to face these insecurities. I have worked hard to develop who I am and although I am not different because I am suddenly not single, I don't know who I am in this type of relationship.  But being afraid is not a good reason to not be in a relationship.
          I don't know where this relationship is going. I hate it when people jump to the future (even though I also do this). Right now, I want to just enjoy it and use the time to grow from this experience. I want to be able to recognize my fear and insecurities and to grow from them. I want get to know him better, but I also want to get to know a different side of me. This different side isn't better or more mature than single me, but just different. Like any experience I hope to grow and change from this experience. But I want people to recognize that I am still me and will continue being me. My views on relationship haven't changed in the sense that I think it is perfectly normal to be single and being single can fulfilling in whatever life stage you are at. Being in a relationship does not make you a better, more developed whole person. In actuality, I think that singleness does a better job at developing whole people. But it is something different for me and something that I am finding worthwhile to pursue. At least for now.

A Short Visit To EMU (or coming home to Hogwarts)

          I am currently sitting in the campus center at EMU. I am back for a quick 2-day visit with really no plans other than to see a couple of close friends and see who I run into. Being here always causes much reflection. Really, being away from my life causes reflection, but especially here in this place. Because this is more than a place for me. EMU for me is a relationship. This might be a strange analogy, but it is one that has a lot of meaning in my life.
          So imagine that EMU is a person. And it was with this person whom I fell madly in love. In the fall of 2009 we began a relationship. At the beginning of the relationship, EMU told me that we would only have four years together and then we would part ways. I understood this agreement and knew that there was the biggest probability that my heart would be broken. But I took the risk and for four years I put my life and soul into this relationship. In that time, through this relationship, I learned so much about myself and who I wanted to be. I did this mostly in relation to EMU and so when the four years came to an end, I was heartbroken. I didn't want to leave. I didn't know who I was outside this relationship and frankly, I didn't want to know.
          And for two years, I was in mourning. I felt like I was floundering in the world and without EMU, I didn't know who I was. I just wanted to be back in the relationship, back in this place that meant the world to me. What I didn't realize in those two years, is how much I was growing and that EMU was still a large part of who I was and still played a huge role in my life even as I was far away. I wrote after my last visit, that I finally found closure (http://julia-exploringtheinfiniteabyss.blogspot.com/2015/04/southern-air.htm ) and that was true. I realized that I was changed because of my relationship with EMU and that EMU would always be a large part of who I am.
           Now I am back again and it is different. I am now in this different relationship (Goshen) and it is very good. But still, EMU knows me in ways that Goshen doesn't and in ways that Goshen probably never will. It was here in this place that I became who I am today. To be back is to be coming home. The intimacy I once shared is still here and I am able to reflect because in this place I can let my guard down. I am fully known here in a way where I am not in any other place. It is true that I have changed, but it is still here where my heart feels free and I can be truly at ease. It is crazy how a place can be so full of meaning and life. It doesn't matter that many of the faces of changed because this place will always be home for me. Like Hogwarts was for Harry, EMU will always welcome me back.

Facing imperfections and my own insecurity

           Today, a person made an observation that I tend to like people a lot when I meet them, but like them less when I get to know them. They didn't say it in a judgmental way at all, but in an observational way. At first, I wanted to say that this is not true. I wanted to justify myself. However, because of who I was with, I felt safe enough to realize the truth in the statement. The thing is, I am an idealist. When I meet someone new, it is easy for me to connect and be really excited. Then, when the relationship gets deeper, I see the flaws and can become easily uncomfortable because reality is messy and complicated and does not live up to the ideals I want to see in the world. I have a tendancy to withdraw from people when I see these imperfections.
          However, I do not think that it is the people I draw away from, but the person I am. When I see other people's faults, I become uncomfortable because it is so much harder to love someone with all their faults. It is easy to love the idea of someone, but so much harder to love the complicated, messy, real person. I pride myself at valuing relationships and for being someone who will be there for my friends, even during hard times. So when I am uncomfortable with seeing and being with these beautiful, complicated people, I begin to dislike myself. I see my own faults and a place in my own life where I am hypocritical. When I see this happen, instead of dealing with my own insecurity, I withdraw myself from the situation, from the person, so I don't have to deal with a version of myself I don't like. And as someone who is a conflict avoider, I never let them know why I am pulling away. I hope that they don't notice and won't be hurt.
           This is not a quality about myself that I like. I am writing it here for the world to see because I want to change. I don't want to be that person who runs away when things get tough. I don't want to be flaky or flighty. I still want to be idealistic and always look for the good in people, but I also want to be able to accept the imperfections. I want to embrace the messiness in life and be someone who can walk with others through their struggles.
         Before I get too hard on myself, I want to acknowledge all the times when I have worked through the hard times and have stayed with others. There have been several times when I have withdrawn from relationships, but have been able to work through my own issues and insecurities and have come back to form stronger, more genuine relationships. Some of my closest friends are ones in which I withdrew for months or even a couple of years, but then I grew and set realistic expectations. I let relationships happen for what they were instead of what I ideally wanted them to be. When I did this, I was able to truly love them fully and our relationships grew deeper and better than what I could have imagined them to be. 
           I have also found that the people I am closest with, I am close with because they know my imperfections and love me anyway. My best friends are the ones with whom I can tell my weaknesses and listen to theirs because we have been through a lot together and know that we are committed to each other and nothing will change the love we have for each other. As we are able to be honest and real, we reveal our true selves and the relationship deepens. And this is beautiful. This is worth the feeling of being uncomfortable. As I strive to form these types of relationships, I want to face my own imperfections in order to not draw away when I see others.

Finding Balance

          I have been thinking a lot about balance in the last couple of weeks. As I revealed in my last post, I am crazy busy, but I am at the point right now where I think I have found some sort of balance. I feel that I am steady. I am working so hard to not allow myself to stress about school or work or life because I just do not want stress in my life anymore. I want to be healthy and happy, which I am at the moment. However, I also understand that balance is precarious. I understand that something could happen tonight that could push me way off balance and most of the time, I really have no control. Sometimes I wonder if attempting to find balance is event the best thing to do. This morning while on facebook, I came across a blog post by one of my favorite bloggers, Glennon Doyle Melton, and she writes this about life (the path) and balance:
          "You will never find your perfect life 'balance' on the path for the same reason you will never find a unicorn on the path - because these things don't exist. Forget unicorns and balance. If you were perfectly balanced- you'd never have to take any ones hand to steady yourself, and that would be a tragedy. There is no solid ground on the path - so don't hold your breath till you find it. Breathe deeply and keep moving forward awkwardly. You can make it down the whole path imbalance and flailing. When you fall, give thanks for the opportunity to rest. While you're down, send love to every other path walker who's down with you at that moment. Then get back up. Or crawl. Crawling is encouraged and respected. Path running is fine, but crawling is much better. Crawlers travel with their eyes close to the ground - so they never miss an inch of the beautiful, rocky path. Crawlers get less glory but learn the most about the path's terrain." http://momastery.com/blog/2013/10/10/5-things-know-path/
          Glennon often writes in a way that I can closely identify. I love her entire post on 5 Things I Know About the Past. As avid readers of my blog know, I love path/journey/adventure metaphors. Reading this post right now is a little funny because I do think I am path running right now. Things in my life feel really good and like the 13.5 miles I ran yesterday, sometimes it can be hard physically and mentally to push through and stay positive, but the rewards and even the journey is really good and exciting. The endorphins are pretty sweet, as well as the relationships that are currently a part of my life. I want to enjoy this high. But I also want to be prepared for when I come down. I want to learn how to crawl and learn how to be okay with being awkward.
          So instead of trying to maintain this "balance" I think I have found, I want to focus on the healthy habits I am forming: running, eating healthy, sleeping 8 hours a night, setting aside specific study time, and most importantly building and maintaining positive relationships with some really good people. People who don't care that I am awkward. People who will get down on the ground and crawl with me. Especially as I know that winter is coming (metaphorically and in reality), I want these habits to ground me in the days, weeks, and months to come. I want to enjoy where I currently am, but not worry about maintaining this high because that is impossible. And perhaps by forgetting about balance I can learn to be present wherever I am and learn to take in the beauty all around me at all points on the path.

You will never find your perfect life “balance” on the path for the same reason you will never find a unicorn on the path – because these things don’t exist. Forget unicorns and balance. If you were perfectly balanced- you’d never have to take any ones hand to steady yourself, and that would be a tragedy. There is no solid ground on the path – so don’t hold your breath till you find it. Breathe deeply and keep moving forward awkwardly. You can make it down the whole path imbalanced and flailing. When you fall, give thanks for the opportunity to rest. While you’re down, send love to every other path walker who’s down with you at that moment. Then get back up. Or crawl. Crawling is encouraged and respected. Path running is fine, but crawling is much better. Crawlers travel with their eyes close to the ground – so they never miss an inch of the beautiful, rocky path. Crawlers get less glory but learn the most about the path’s terrain. - See more at: http://momastery.com/blog/2013/10/10/5-things-know-path/#sthash.Gl93VO69.dpuf

You will never find your perfect life “balance” on the path for the same reason you will never find a unicorn on the path – because these things don’t exist. Forget unicorns and balance. If you were perfectly balanced- you’d never have to take any ones hand to steady yourself, and that would be a tragedy. There is no solid ground on the path – so don’t hold your breath till you find it. Breathe deeply and keep moving forward awkwardly. You can make it down the whole path imbalanced and flailing. When you fall, give thanks for the opportunity to rest. While you’re down, send love to every other path walker who’s down with you at that moment. Then get back up. Or crawl. Crawling is encouraged and respected. Path running is fine, but crawling is much better. Crawlers travel with their eyes close to the ground – so they never miss an inch of the beautiful, rocky path. Crawlers get less glory but learn the most about the path’s terrain. - See more at: http://momastery.com/blog/2013/10/10/5-things-know-path/#sthash.Gl93VO69.dpuf

You will never find your perfect life “balance” on the path for the same reason you will never find a unicorn on the path – because these things don’t exist. Forget unicorns and balance. If you were perfectly balanced- you’d never have to take any ones hand to steady yourself, and that would be a tragedy. There is no solid ground on the path – so don’t hold your breath till you find it. Breathe deeply and keep moving forward awkwardly. You can make it down the whole path imbalanced and flailing. When you fall, give thanks for the opportunity to rest. While you’re down, send love to every other path walker who’s down with you at that moment. Then get back up. Or crawl. Crawling is encouraged and respected. Path running is fine, but crawling is much better. Crawlers travel with their eyes close to the ground – so they never miss an inch of the beautiful, rocky path. Crawlers get less glory but learn the most about the path’s terrain. - See more at: http://momastery.com/blog/2013/10/10/5-things-know-path/#sthash.Gl93VO69.dpuf

A Strange Little Family

          Two months later, I am finally writing another blog post. And like everytime I take forever to write, I am at a loss as to what to write. A lot has happened in the last two months. I traveled to Kansas to visit my nephew at the end of July, to Colorado and Kansas for family vacation in August, and to Elmira, New York to participate in Krissy's wedding over Labor Day weekend. School has started with new classes and an internship. My work schedule has changed as I transition to only two days a week (Fridays and Saturdays) at the co-op and a new position as Administrative Assistant at my church. I have begun to teach an English class once a week. My next half marathon is in a little over 3 weeks, so I have been running a lot. I also have all new housemates and thus a new community and social life. So yeah, a lot has happened in the last two months.
          With all these changes, I have had many ups and downs. The start of school was extremely stressful as I was running on little sleep (I believe I averaged 5 hours a night for about 3 weeks straight) and too many commitments. I also had some personal drama that added to my stress level, not to mention yet another faith crisis. However, I have managed to turn things around. I decided to drop a class and thus be able to concentrate better on other things. I initiated an early bedtime and built more time into my schedule to spend in community with my housemates. My personal drama resolved itself and I have been able to talk with academic advisor about my faith questions. And so for the last week and a half, I have been really good. I feel like I have reached a balance in my life and even as my schedule is full, it is full of really good things that bring me energy.
          The thing that has brought me the most energy and a feeling of fullness has been my new housemates. There are currently six of us living in the house: four guys who are finishing up studies and work at Goshen College, and one girl who is full-time at Goshen College. We are all randomly connected to my seminary friend whom I originally moved into the house with (he and his wife recently moved out so she could begin a residency job at Goshen College). It might have been random, but we have connected so well. The four guys have been living together for the last couple years and are some of the most quality guys that I have known. They are each so unique and bring totally different dynamics to the house. Sonya, the other girl, is a beautiful spirit and in her I have found a most delightful, honest friendship. I look forward to going home everyday as I know I will be greeted with "Julia, you're home! Come sit with us!" Most every night, we congregate in the living room to share about our days, tell funny stories, snuggle, play interesting youtube videos, and just be. We have become a strange little family.
          I find myself falling deeper and deeper in love with these people everyday. It is so strange because I was satisfied with the community I found in Goshen this summer, but what I have now is so much deeper and more satisfying. I have balance in my life right now because I have such amazing support. A few weeks ago when I came home crying, I found arms that held me, hands that brought me tissues and tea, and ears that truly listened. On an everyday basis, I have people that accept me for exactly who I am and truly care to hear about the details of my day and my life. My thoughts are valued as well as my character. I really cannot adequately describe the feeling of wholeness I have right now. This wholeness has spread throughout my life and I have noticed less stress at school and work. I find myself truly happy. This living situation is not forever, but while it lasts, I am going to soak it up because some people search their whole lives for this kind of community, this strange little family, that I just stumbled into.

Summer Adventures

          It seems like forever since I have written. Probably because so much has happened since I last wrote. When I wrote my last post I was still in Ecuador. Now I am back in Indiana. I have planned on writing for a while. I planned to write how amazing my summer has continued. And that is true. I arrived back in the U.S. and immediately began traveling again. I did a week-long roadtrip, once again to the East Coast. I stopped in Ohio to see my parents, Pittsburgh (a surprise detour because of a storm) to see my friends Ruth and Jana, Baltimore to see Darian, Waynesboro/Charlottesville to see Rachel Hershey, and finally a perfect weekend in Richmond, Virginia staying with "my little sister," Rachel Bowman (and tea with my friend Bekah!). It was a whirlwind trip with a lot of catching up with really good friends. These trips give me so much energy as I am reminded how loved I am and how lucky I am to be living this life. I then picked up my friend Josh from Harrisonburg and he came back to Goshen with me. We had a perfect two days as I showed him around town, introduced him to some of my friends, and made a day trip to Warren Dunes on Lake Michigan. He left and I then had three days to get my life together and plan a church service.
           Then last week, I went back to work. I am working a lot of hours now at the co-op. At least a lot for me. I forgot how exhausting eight hour shifts are when you are on your feet the whole time doing the same thing. I enjoy interacting with customers and my coworkers, but I must say that I prefer traveling to working. It has been really nice, though, not to think about school work. Instead, I spend my days off running errands (I am currently housesitting/dogsitting, so mowing grass and dishes need to be done) and spending lots of time with friends. I have hosted a couple of dinners and have been busy. For the most part, it has been an amazing summer.
          And yet, I am writing today because it has been a bad couple of days. I have been extremely tired and crabby for no good reasons. Today, I came home from work exhausted and fell asleep on the couch and thus missed my ultimate frisbee game, then overate, then was just mad at myself and watched bad tv before trying to go to bed early. Finally, I gave up and decided to get over myself and spent an hour cleaning the kitchen. As I washed dished and listened to This American Life, I felt my bad mood fading away. I became reflective and thus here I am writing. I am still tired, and I am still not very happy, but I am calm.
          It is so weird to believe that I moved back to the U.S. a year ago. This year has certainly had its ups and downs. But I am glad to be back in the U.S. I am happy with the choices I have made and the ways I have acted. This is not to say I have always made the best decisions, but slowly I am learning to cope with what life throws at me. I am learning how to be myself in new situations and be okay with uncertainty. That is probably what I have learned most in this year. I went to seminary looking for answers and found only more questions. A year ago, I had a plan of what I was going to do with my life and now I don't. However, with the exception of bad days such as yesterday and today, I am happy. I find myself embracing the questions and embracing an unknown future. I realize that I am so young with my whole life ahead of me. There is so much time to figure out what I am going to do, and that is also probably going to change a hundred times in the next sixty years. I am always going to have questions and most probably won't find answers. But it all comes back to adventure.
          I have been a bit obsessed with the word adventure for a few years. But it just describes so well the way I want (and do!) live my life. I don't know what's going to happen and I don't know the answers. Some days I think I know myself really well and others I have no idea who I am. But these questions, these journeys, these ups and downs are all a part of this grand adventure. And what an adventure! Not only was I able to explore an amazing new country this year, I made myself a home in Goshen, Indiana. I have finished my first year of grad school, but more importantly, I have developed really important friendships. Even during the last couple of bad days, I have been so thankful for the the smiles and laughs of my friends here. A little over a year ago, I had no idea that my adventure would take me here and would have cringed at the thought. But here I am, and for the most part, I am glad to be here.
          Well this was a lot of rambling, that probably didn't go anywhere. But it feels good to be writing again (and from a computer!) and it feels good to process some thoughts after a couple of bad days. Hopefully, I will write again soon and next time try to have more of a point and more cohesive thoughts. Oh well, not every blog post can be a work of art.