Thanksgiving with Michael

          This year's Thanksgiving was much different from last years. Instead of exploring new places and having epic adventures, I had a fairly quiet Thanksgiving here in Elkhart. It might not sound exciting, but it has been a really good holiday. Some friends from church asked if I would dog sit their dog Michael. I was happy to agree since I have had a lack of animal interaction in my life and thus I moved a mile down the road for the past week. Michael is a Portuguese Water Dog (like the Obamas have) and is quite the guy! I might be more of a cat person, but Michael won my heart as we spent time snuggling and playing together. As funny as it might seem, I am so thankful for this time with Michael as it gave me some good reminders.
          First, Michael reminded me not to be so serious and take time to play everyday. Like most dogs, Michael likes attention and likes getting out of the house. He was not too thrilled that I was writing a paper for most of break and would come stick his nose on my computer and convince me that it was time to take a break. We would then proceed outside for a walk. Walking is such a simple thing, but Michael just loves it! He got so excited everytime we went out. I realize as I have been studying and working so much, I have not taken the time to just be outside and relax. Taking a walk doesn't take up too much time, but it gives a person so much. I loved seeing the world through Michael's eyes and taking the time to (figuratively) smell the roses.
          On Thanksgiving day, I was furiously working on writing a paper. I had no plans to go outside all day, but in the early afternoon, Michael came and interrupted me. I decided I would play with him in the back yard for just a few minutes as a break to myself. Little had I realized that it had snowed. But out we went, into the snow. Now normally, I hate snow. But Michael was so excited. He didn't mind the white stuff coming down or the cold. I chased him around and we both experienced moments of complete joy as we ran through the snow laughing. (Well, I laughed, Michael just ran). Then, Michael attempted to catch some snowflakes in his mouth. He looked just so cute. During the course of the semester, I have forgotten about the small joys in life. While living in Croatia last year, I usually noticed small joys. I took the time to go on walks and see the world with fresh eyes because I was in a new place. But here, I have been too busy. Watching Michael gave me the opportunity to rediscover small joys. I got to play in the snow, as well as spend time snuggling with Michael inside giving him tummy rubs (he loves tummy rubs)!
          Thanksgiving evening, I had three friends over to celebrate the holiday. We had an amazing dinner of tofurkey (yes, I made my omnivore friends go vegan with me) and other delicious food and then we played games together. It was so nice and I felt so grown-up as I hosted my first holiday meal. I celebrated with my family the next day at my aunt and uncle's house in Goshen. My parents and brother Ryan came up and we had a nice afternoon eating and playing games. Saturday was work like usual and today was spent finishing my paper. Michael's owners came back tonight, so I am once again back in my apartment.
          The next couple of weeks are crazy as I finish up my semester. There is so much to do, but I feel refreshed. I am just really thankful for where I am. I have the amazing opportunity to study subjects that I am passionate about and be in a community that accepts me for who I am. I have a job that I genuinely like with coworkers who are becoming good friends. I have a family who loves me and lives (relatively) nearby so I can spend time with them in person. I am thankful to be busy, but also thankful for the small moments of joy that life offers. Looking back on the past year, I am so thankful for the places I have been and the experiences I had. I feel so lucky to have been where I have been, but also so glad to be where I am now. I don't think that everyone can say that.

Michael, playing in the snow.

My Search for the Divine

           When I finish my three years at seminary, I will have a Masters of Divinity. Divinity. The Divine. I have been pretty open on this blog about where I struggle with issues of faith. In August 2012 I posted on "Finding My Faith Again." In September 2013, I wrote on "Losing My Faith Again." When I wrote "Losing My Faith Again," I did not know if I could honestly claim Christianity. I had so many doubts about God and just so many questions. You see, I have met many people who just know that God exists and they can actively feel the presence of God in their lives. I don't have that feeling; I don't have that complete faith. I think I have felt moments of the Divine, but they always seem to be fleeting and can easily be forgotten. In the midst of struggle and heartache, I could not see or understand God. And at the time I was not prepared to try to find answers for my questions
          But here I am now at school studying theology, studying the Divine, studying what faith is. I am asking some really hard questions and studying issues such as suffering and racism and what it all means within the context of faith. I am not sure that I am actually finding any answers, but I find myself gaining a much larger picture of who God is. As I find myself falling in love with theology, I find myself taking the step of faith. Because I am starting to understand that faith is not about a feeling. Faith is about taking a step despite not feeling, despite not knowing. I can say now that I believe in God and that I am a Christian, believing by proclaiming this, I am making a faith statement. I am putting trust in the church, people whom I trust and have come to respect. I am putting my trust in a theology that claims love and liberation for all people. I am putting my trust in the Divine.
          My search is far from over. I still have so many questions and I feel like I am just getting my foot wet in understanding what faith is. But I am taking that step. And this step is really scary. I have discovered lately that I am scared of commitment. I am so scared of getting hurt and there are areas of my life in which I am not prepared to risk. But I have decided to take the risk of faith. I have begun this journey even though I don't know where it is taking me. I am scared but I am trusting that God is there.
         To end this post, I first am including a quote by the theologian Jurgen Moltmann who addresses the balance between questioning and staying stagnate. I think he describes the balance I have in my life right now of asking really hard questions, but also finding a faith that grounds me. Then below that I have the lyrics to The Wailin' Jennys song called Heaven When We're Home. I have been playing it a lot in the last couple of days as it speaks to my search.

"What is needed then is to find a lively equilibrium between the fundamental self-questioning of man, and the answers by means of which he takes control of himself. Man cannot continue indefinitely in a radical attitude of questioning. He would then never succeed in giving form to his life. Nor can he tie himself down and be content with the external face which his time and his culture give to him. Then he would stagnate. He reaches an equilibrium if he respects the limits which make man's forms of living authentic, and recognizes that in the changes of cultures and of images of man there is, for all the seriousness and hope of the latter, a provisional element." Jurgen Moltmann

Don't know what time it is, I've been up for way too long
and I'm too tired to sleep
I call my mother on the phone, she wasn't home,
and now I'm wondering the street
I've been a fool, I've been cruel to myself
I've been hanging onto nothing
when nothing could be worse than hanging on
And something tells me there must be
something better than all this

I've fallen many times in love and every time
it's been with the wrong man
Still I'm out there living one day at a time
and doing the best I can
Cuz we've all made mistakes
that seem to lead us astray
But every time they helped to get us where we are today
And that's a good a place as any
and it's probably where we're best off anyway

It's a long and rugged road
and we don't now where it's headed
But we know it's going to get us where we're going
And when we find what we're looking for
we'll drop these bags and search no more
'Cuz it's going to feel like heaven when we're home
It's going to feel like heaven when we're home

There's no such thing as perfect,
and if there is we'll fnd it when we're good and dead
Trust me I've been looking
bu tonight I think I'll go and take a bath instead
And then maybe I'll walk a while
and feel the earth beneath me
They say if you stop looking
it doesn't matter if you find it
And whose to say that even if I did
it's what I'm really looking for

It's a long and rugged road
and we don't now where it's headed
But we know it's going to get us where we're going
And when we find what we're looking for
we'll drop these bags and search no more
'Cuz it's going to feel like heaven when we're home
It's going to feel like heaven when we're home 

Learning to grow up

          Life often feels like a roller coaster. In the course of a week, I feel like I have so many ups and downs. This last week was no exception but in many ways the ups and downs seemed a lot more intensified. I learned last week about some news that might be life-changing for me. I cannot write about it now, but it was the kind of news that shook me to the core and made me reexamine the meaning of life. Luckily, instead of finding out hard news and then departing for a whole new life in Europe and not having the space or people to process with, I am in a community that deals daily with hard questions.
          My seminary experience so far has been one in which we look at hard questions from both an academic point of view, as well as a deeply personal one. On Friday, after spending some time in personal reflection I talked with my academic adviser about the deep struggles I have with God, especially in light of recent events in my life. My adviser allowed the space for my struggles and encouraged me to keep asking them in spite of there not being many answers. However, he also helped me see the space for where God is at work. He took the time to listen, give me advice both academically and spiritually, and then he prayed for me. I was overcome with thankfulness that I am in the space where I have people like this to walk with me and challenge me; challenge me in my questions, challenge me in my assumptions, and challenge me in my faith, all while walking right there beside me. I feel truly blessed to be in this space. 
          I then had a really terrific weekend. Friday night, I went over to my friend Katie's house and we cooked a delicious meal and just talked for hours. Saturday night, I hosted my first couch surfers! Ever since joining couch surfing back in January, I have looked forward to the time when I would have my own place and could host travelers. When I moved to Elkhart, I was not really expecting people to come, but last week I received a request from a guy and his girlfriend traveling back to Wisconsin after spending time in Massachusetts with friends. They were organic farmers and were so excited to cook and eat real food after time spent on the road. As usual, I have tons of vegetables from work and my friend who works on a local farm, so my couch surfers just took over and cooked a great vegetable, lentil curry. I then took them to a game night at a friend's house and stopped by a birthday party of another friend. On Sunday morning, I made oatmeal and smoothies and sent them on their way. Before they left, they recorded me a song (they had a band together). It was just a really great time of connecting over food, song, and friendship.
          Sunday was another great day as I connected with a new friend, walking and talking, and then Katie came over to my apartment and we cooked another great meal and talked again for hours. I might have gotten no homework accomplished, but I felt accomplished because I did work for 8 hours on Saturday at the food co-op, but I also had three sit-down healthy, amazing dinners with friends. I was able to be a host and take time to deepen relationships in my life. I was able to be fully present in where I was.
          This week has already had more ups and downs. I have been feeling a little sick and have not been sleeping too well, which has made me a bit crabby and unmotivated to work. I have also had some good discussions with my roommate about what we both need in terms of living together. As I have learned in the past, I am a conflict avoider. If I think there is any hint of what could be conflict, I run away and hide within myself. This means that I don't often express my own needs. This was a problem when I was living in Croatia and was one of the reasons that I ended back in the U.S. But yesterday, I forced myself into conversation about my needs and my roommate's needs and it was really good. There was no conflict, and we came to a place of understanding each other better. I felt that I had really made strides in my own development.
          All in all, I think in this past week I have learned a lot more about what it means to be a grown-up. I do not think of myself as grown-up, but I am discovering new ways of how to deal with life as it comes. I am learning to go get help and talk to people instead of carrying my burdens alone. I am learning about how to host people in my own space and allow them to feel welcome. I am learning to cook on my own and share the joy of eating with friends and strangers. I am learning how to recognize my weaknesses, but pushing through uncomfortable places to build more authentic relationships. I am learning to balance my time and energy. I am learning to grow up.

Meeting the world with my arms wide open

          I decided that I would change my tagline to "meeting the wold with my arms wide open." I really like the idea of meeting. To me, it means that the world is coming to me. Life is happening and as we all know, things can change so quickly. But instead of waiting on life, or running away, I am going up and saying "Here I am!" I want to be open to new ideas and new adventures. I want to be open to new people. I know, however, that I might get hurt. A friend wrote to me recently that I "take the world on bravely and eagerly, and then sometimes get a little bruised in the process. Which is normal, and probably worth it for the real experiences." The world can be a tough place as this last year has proved. But I also know it to be a place of unspeakable beauty and uncontainable love. And in that hope, I am meeting it head on with a smile on my face and my arms reaching out.

Done with Waiting

          As I was redoing the look of my blog yesterday, I read the subtitle; "Waiting for an adventure bigger than me. Waiting for a world about to open." I wrote this over a year ago as I was so excited to be leaving the country. I was so excited to be starting a new chapter of my life. And this past year, I did experience adventure. I experienced an open world. But it wasn't what I imagined. Life isn't what I imagined. I would have never dreamed that I would be here in Indiana a year ago. I would have thought that I failed. This isn't the case at all, but it is interesting to reflect on it.
          Let's take a minute to reflect on what did happen this year. My dad got diagnosed with Parkinson's. I took part in my best friend's wedding. I moved to a new country, learned a new language, and met tons of new people. I lived my dream of backpacking around part of Europe with a dear friend (my cousin Cara). I Couchsurfed, I ran a half-marathon. I hosted visiting family and friends. I fell into depression. I struggled with decisions of what to do with life. I moved back to the United States. I became an aunt. I celebrated the 85th birthday of my Grandma Smith. I explored a new city in the U.S. I became a vegan. I moved to Indiana and started a graduate program. I mourned the death of my Grandma Schmidt.
           I think quite a year would be an understatement. I don't have many regrets about this year. Although parts of my time in Croatia were really hard, I learned so much. I experienced so much. I formed relationships that will stick with me through a lifetime. But I now realize that I am done waiting. Life is the adventure. The ups and downs became so much bigger than myself. The world was opened up to me in new exciting ways, but also I saw first hand the hard realities of life and death. And so now instead of waiting, I want to live. I want to live knowing that adventure doesn't have to be across the sea and it includes a lot of loneliness and depression. I want to live knowing that world is open and it was only in my mind that it was closed.
          I guess I need a new subtitle. Does anyone have an suggestions?

Eat Food, Not Too Much, Mostly Plants

          The title of this blog post comes from Michael Pollen's book In Defense of Food. I listened to this audiobook with my parents this summer. Although Pollen does not advocate for a vegan diet, his book has so many good things to say and has help influenced my decision to become a whole-foods vegan. I really think everyone should read this book, even if it might not interest you (my parents were kind of forced into listening to it, but even they found it really interesting). In Croatia, I didn't have too much control over my diet. I either ate in a cafeteria or cooked my own food in this tiny, really gross kitchen. It wasn't a great situation. I missed being a vegetarian and was ready for something new. I especially wanted a way to eat healthier and feel good about myself, while not counting calories or feeling guilty about eating. Whole-foods veganism was the best option for me.
          I want to say that I do not think that everyone should become vegan. However, it has now been two months and I love it. It has changed the way I approach food and eating. I eat a lot of vegetables and a lot of whole grains such as quinoa, brown rice, whole wheat couscous, and much more! When I buy non-produce, I am forced to read labels. For the first time in my life, I know exactly what is going into my body. Even if you are not interested in changing your diet, I encourage you to take a look at what you are eating. Often it is scary that so many things that you do not know what it is or even how it is pronounced is consumed. (I recently saw a facebook post about this where it encouraged people not to eat things they could not pronounce except for quinoa :) )
          I try to eat what is in season, which has been really easy so far. A friend of mine is currently interning at a farm and has brought me a lot of produce. I also get expired or bruised food at the co-op where I work. This has been such a great way to save money on groceries and be creative. I now look at what ingredients I have and then find a recipe. I have made a lot of kale chips as well as cauliflower quinoa curry, grilled zucchini hummus pizza, lentil vegetable soup. Cooking has been a great outlook and a really fun new hobby. And the food has been delicious! I feel like I eat good food all of the time, but I never feel guilty because I use healthy ingredients. The few times I have binge-ate, it has been on granola.
          I want to share more recipes on this blog, but for now I will leave you with one of my new staples, a green smoothie. It might look weird, but you cannot taste the spinach at all and instead get a peanut butter smoothie with tons of healthiness included! Who knew that being a vegan would taste so good?!? http://ohsheglows.com/2011/01/13/classic-green-monster/

If you are interested in any recipes, want to know more, or have a great recipe to share please send me an email! julias.nicole@gmail.com

Back Home Again in Indiana

          I never thought that the day would come when I would call Indiana my home again. I also never imagined that I would be happy living in Northern Indiana, but here I am. I moved about four weeks ago to Elkhart to begin my graduate studies here at AMBS (Anabaptist Mennonite Biblical Seminary). And although this last week was a little rough and things have been pretty hectic, I am loving it here.
          My feelings after Friday afternoon Church and Race class really sums up my thoughts so far. The class was talking about Christian ethics and it included a great discussion with a phenomenal professor. I realized then that I like studying theology the same reason I started studying philosophy in my undergraduate: through the lense of philosophy you can look at any topic; science, religion, economics, all of it was applicable to philosophy. Theology is the same. For example, this week AMBS hosted a conference on land and faith. Land and ideas such as food justice are strongly Biblical. But unlike philosophy, with theology we have a focus. We are focused on what it means to do life in the context of following of Jesus. This not only focuses our studies, it makes our studies applicable to our lives right now. It is not just some abstract ideas, but about the way we live our lives.
          I might be totally nerdy, but I am really excited about this right now. I am so excited to be studying theology and to be back in the academic world discussing questions and beliefs. If you are a long-time follower of my blog, you know that my faith journey has had its ups and downs. But here, I am beginning to see the great variety of theological thought and faith formation. There are so many different viewpoints and ways of relating to God. And here, we can have meaningful conversations and not get upset, but discuss together in order that we might all learn and might all become better followers of Jesus Christ, even if the ways we do that and the language we use differ vastly. Here, I have found a safe place to ask my questions while being a part of a larger community full of differences and full of love.
          Because these discussions are not taking place just inside of class, but are being lived. I honestly did not know if places better than EMU existed, but here I have found a new community and new sense of being. It is different than EMU because the size is smaller and people are more grown up. Because of this, the community is stronger. There is no hierarchy between professors and students and thus discussions take place at community meals, break times, chapel, and even during ultimate frisbee. These are the activities I take part in with my fellow students, faculty, and staff. We are living out what we are learning in our classes.
          For these reasons, I kind of think everyone should come to seminary! Seminary is not just about becoming church leaders, but questioning our faith and finding ways together to be the body of Christ. I honestly don't know if I am going to use what I learn here as part of a future career, but I don't care. I am going to use what I learn here in life! I think that anyone is wanting to go deeper in their faith and wanting to study more academically should consider going to seminary as a preparation for any career, if it be a pastor, marine biologist, or an astronaut. Here, you are accepted as you are and get to learn with people from different walks of life, very talented professors, and an amazing community.
          And so thus I begin this new journey. I am taking four classes this semester, although one of those was a hybrid that will be over shortly. These classes are Leadership Education in an Anabaptist Perspective, Christian Attitudes Toward War, Peace, and Revolution, Christian Theology I, and Church and Race. It is a lot of work as I am also working almost 25 hours a week to pay rent and such (I work 7ish hours a week at the library on campus, 4ish hours a week on Southside Mennonite Fellowship's Communicator (this is the church I now attend), and another 16 hours a week at a local food co-op.) I am getting very passionate about my studies (as hopefully I have portrayed) and I feel that other parts of my life are also coming together. Next post will be about another one of my new passions, cooking and eating a whole foods plant-based diet!

For Grandma Schmidt

          I am not sure if I have the words to write what I want to say today. I found out last night that my Grandma Schmidt died. I have never been that close my Grandma Schmidt (unlike my Grandma Smith whom you might remember as the one I saw this summer in celebration of her 85th birthday and took a road trip with to Colorado two years ago) and for the last few years Grandma Schmidt has suffered from dementia. I only went a couple of times since she stopped remembering who I was, so I still think of her as healthy and herself. My relationship with her had always been complicated and her death brings up some complicated feelings. I am happy that her suffering is finally over, but I grieve because she was my grandma and I loved her, even if I never felt that she was the role model I wanted in my life.
          As I learn more the older I get, I realize that humans are complicated and our ideas of how life should be is never the reality. Grandma Schmidt was not someone who I saw as a role model, but yet as I look over her life as I have experienced it, I am able to find many things that have been passed down to me for which I am really grateful. The first thing is her love for the church and for God. She made sure her sons went to a Christian high school and college. And even as their faith differed from hers, they both ended up as pastors for some parts of their lives. Faith was essential and even as I have struggled with my own faith, I am thankful for the strong Mennonite tradition that has been emphasized and the openness to a deep relationship with God. I think what struck me the most about the times I visited her in the last couple of years was that she would barely converse at all, but when my dad asked her if she would like to have a Bible verse read, she would perk up and respond that she would really like that. In her last months and years, it was her faith that stayed strong and was what she remembered and valued in life.
          The second thing I remember about my grandma was love. The love was not perfect and often was not what I thought it should be. However, I have no doubt that she loved me and that she really loved my dad. You could just see how proud she was of him. She was proud that he became a pastor and was proud that he was her son. She really loved him. And she loved me. Through knowing her, I came to know that love is a choice. Human love is not always perfect and we don't always show our love in the right way. I firmly believe that we were put on this earth to love. We have the choice to love, even when it's hard. Sometimes loving family members can be difficult because you don't chose who you end up with. However, I believe it is always worthwhile to chose to love even when it is hard. By choosing love, we are able to see each other in a different light. We allow for imperfections while realizing that those imperfections don't matter. What matters is that we are human and are in this life together. There is good in all because we are all made in the image of God. And when we truly love, we reach our full potential as humans.
         So tonight I want to honor a woman who has affected my life in many more ways that I now realize. Tonight I want to honor my grandma, Jeannette Schmidt. I don't know what happens after we die, but I hope you know Grandma that I love you and that I am so thankful for the faith and love that got passed down to me. I am thankful that you were a part of my journey and part of who I am. May you go into peace and go into the deep love that is God.

Babies, biking, and more adventures

          The last few weeks have been full of excitement for me. On July 16th, I drove to Kansas with my parents. That night, my nephew, Ethan James Schmidt was born. He is the cutest, most lovable baby ever (in my unbiased opinion)!!! I am so excited to be an aunt for a first time and look forward to the years ahead as I spoil that boy! I want to be the really cool aunt in his life- the person Ethan can come to with anything and know that I will love him unconditionally and will be a safe place for him. I was so happy to be in Kansas for his first week and spend time with him in the hospital and at home. I stayed up one night at the hospital to help my brother and sister-in-law out (I cannot imagine doing all they do alone!) and it was so rewarding to be with Ethan in those hours and reconnect with his parents.
          Also, while in Kansas, my grandma turned 85. We had a big party to celebrate. I really enjoyed spending time with some of my cousins who I rarely get to see. I also enjoyed being with my grandma once again. She is a really special person in my life and it had been a year since I had seen her. During my time in Kansas, I also got to bike with my dad. Since having my bike in Croatia, I have been more passionate about wanting to bike more, so it was great bringing along our bikes and seeing different scenery. Most days we would end up at a great coffee shop where we would split a cinnamon roll and drink coffee. Biking, coffee, conversation with my dad... what could be better?! Since I have no job, I decided that I had no reason to go home, so I decided to let my parents go home without me and I would stay and take my grandma to Colorado.
          As I have mentioned many times in this blog, Colorado is my favorite place on earth. I can't fully describe the feeling of being up in the mountains. All I know is that I belong there. And I cannot stand not being there... as soon as I finish up my degree at AMBS (Anabaptist Mennonite Biblical Seminary), I am determined to move out there. My grandma and I had a great time being at her cabin and exploring some nearby towns. To end our trip, we drove to Denver to visit one of my cousins, his wife, and their 9 1/2 month baby. He was also really cute. We then drove back to Kansas, where I got to have coffee with my friend Miriam (the girl whom I visited in Sarajevo...http://julia-exploringtheinfiniteabyss.blogspot.com/2013/12/a-different-type-of-thanksgiving.html) and then spent one last evening with Ethan. I flew the next day to Minneapolis.
          From July 29 to August 7, I was with my two really good friends, Lisle and Elias. Lisle had visited me in Croatia, but really wanted to see me again. We figured that this might be one of the last time that I had a good chunk of time I could come and spend time with them. Even though they both had to work during the day, the visit turned out amazing!!! We did so many great things! We visited a contemporary art museum, we attempted geocaching, we went shopping (thrift stores, REI, and the Mall of America), we spent the weekend camping at Wild River State Park, we went paddleboarding, we did archery, we went to a Twins baseball game, we played board games, we played tennis, we cooked, and much, much more! I love them so much and it was great to spend such quality time with them.
          I was also happy to explore a new city. Since I had the days to myself, I planned a couple of adventures. I borrowed a bike from a couchsurfer and spent one day riding all around many lakes and bike paths. It felt so good to be out by myself and just enjoy the city. I met for lunch a neat cafe with some couchsurfers and had this amazing experience of connecting with strangers. We talked a lot about how to be authentic in the world and positive and negative egos. Somehow, they managed to get me to talk about all my insecurities. It might be strange that it happened with strangers, but it felt so great to verbalize them and still be completely accepted. I also visited the Minneapolis Institute of Art by myself and became friends with some of the guards. I ended up having a great, long conversation with a really awesome guy. It was nice to make friends and connect with random people in a new city.
          And now it is time for me to get to work. I have an online class that starts today and I have begun to search for a job in Elkhart. If anyone knows of anything, I would love to hear! I really need something part-time to pay for housing and food. But even though job-searching is not fun, I am at a really good place in my life. I have had some epic adventures these past couple of weeks, and I look forward to what is to come. 

A Change in Plans (For real this time)

          I have now been back in the U.S. for about a week. I left Osijek last Sunday, July 6 to travel by car to Belgrade, then a plane from Belgrade to Doha, Qatar with a stop in Ankara, Turkey, and then after a two hour layover in the New Doha International Airport (I would highly suggest this airport... It is not quite finished, but is phenomenal with apple computers everywhere for people to use and awesome sculptures that are also playgrounds for kids. The people watching was also incredible as there were people from everywhere on earth!) before a 14 hour flight to Philadelphia. I finally arrived in Dayton, Ohio on Monday afternoon.
          In some ways, it has felt extremely normal to be back. It seems that I am just on break from EMU instead of just spending almost nine months living in Europe. I have not done too much other than sleep (trying to get over jet-lag), bike with my dad, and spend a day shopping with my best friend. It is so hard to believe that only a little over a week ago I was swimming in the Drava and riding my bike around Osijek. It seems like a dream. But then little American things seem weird now. Such as ice in drinks. Water seems so cold now! Almost too cold! I got so used to drinking everything without ice... still cold, but not that cold. Also, while in Croatia, I tried break down some people's stereotypes about Americans. However, even though it is true Americans are a diverse people, there is a specific American culture and while being in Fort Wayne, Indiana the other day shopping and eating out, I was overwhelmed by the Americanness of everything and everyone around me.
          I am sure that as more time passes, I will able to adjust back into American culture while being able to process my time in Croatia and find new ways in which I have changed and can incorporate that change into my life here. For those who do not know, I have finished my time with BVS and have moved back to the United States indefinitely. And I am so excited to announce my plans for this next year; I have been accepted to and am planning to attend Anabaptist Mennonite Biblical Seminary (AMBS) in Elkhart, Indiana to begin work on my Masters of Divinity. This is quite a change of plans, but a change that I am ready for. I miss school and I still have so many questions about God and I believe that seminary will be the perfect place for me to ask them, while becoming apart of a tight community and exploring my own call to ministry and peace work.
          I was sad to leave Croatia and I will be staying in touch with my friends there. They have become a part of my story, a part of me, and I will be back to visit, although it might be a while before I a can make that happen. Although some parts were really hard, I have no regrets about my time there. I have a lot of things to process, but in the end, I think coming home is good for me and I know in my gut that AMBS is the right place for me to be for the next couple of years. I didn't really plan it, but as one quote goes, "life is what happens when you are busy making other plans". Thanks to everyone who has been there supporting me through everything. I have said for a long time that I have the best friends in the world, and this has stayed true through the last few months. I am so thankful and feel so blessed for the people who are in my life. I look forward to living closer to some of them and staying in touch with others. 

Saying Goodbye to Osijek

          On Wednesday night, the seminary here where I have been working, had a going away party for me. We ate pizza and an American cake (my parents brought a funfetti cake mix when they visited), hung out, and then I was asked many questions about my time here in Osijek. I had to name my favorite memories, my impressions of Eastern Europe as an American, funny stories, and how God has worked in my life here. After some people shared their impressions about me, I had to say what I would remember about everyone there. This was a good way to reflect on the past eight months with the people who have become my family here in Croatia. After this time of reflection, we played some games to end the night.
          Today I went out for coffee with some of my CouchSurfing friends. It was the perfect summer day as we sat outside at a cafe, sipping coffee, and just talking for three hours. It was nice and just felt so normal. And I realized how soon these times will be over. I leave Osijek in one week. One week. Goodbyes have started and I don't like them. It is so strange how when I came, I hated Osijek. I felt trapped in this city and was so lonely. And now, I don't want to leave. Things are not perfect, but I finally feel that I have found my place here. I found friends I love and the city itself has changed in my eyes. As the weather became warm, cafes spilled out onto every sidewalk. The river walk became full of people riding bikes, rollarblading, and just strolling. Ice cream can be seen everywhere (and Croatian ice cream is so much better than American ice cream!). I love it. I went through a really hard time and now I am on the other side, but soon I have to say goodbye.
          And so I am trying to fill my last week with everything I love about Osijek. I will go swimming in the Drava for the first time tomorrow. I plan to ride my bike every night this week. I want to go out for coffee and ice cream with friends. I will get another haircut, since it is quite cheap here in Osijek. And I will just spend time with those I have made relationships with. But I am struggling with how to make this goodbye meaningful. This is the end to a chapter of my life and I want to do it right. Are there ways that have been significant to you, my readers, in which you have said goodbye? Is there a good way to say goodbye to a place in which you have grown and changed? Is there a good way to say goodbye to people who have become a part of your life?

And it won't be goodbye forever. I will come back to Osijek. I can promise you that.

To end this blog post, I want to share a funny story that occurred during my time here. An older volunteer in the library was helping me with my Croatian a few months ago. I was reading a Croatian book and translating it into English. There was a sentence about a man who was traveling with his family from the city of Split to Dubrovnik (two cities on the Croatian coast). The sentence read that they were traveling by "brod," the Croatian word for ship. However, I forgot what "brod"meant. The older volunteer translated it for me, saying ship. But he pronounced ship as "sheep" because in Croatian, the vowel i makes the sound ee. I was so confused. I was imagining this family on a herd of sheep traveling down the coast. I said that this could not be right. Brod did not mean sheep. And so I looked up the word in a dictionary. I then realized that he had just mispronounced it. I laughed to myself, but I did not want to correct him out loud. Later, though, as I told the story to some friends, I had a nice long laugh.
          

"The world is my home"

          I just attended an extremely interesting presentation of a guy who spent one thousand days traveling the world on a budget of one thousand euros. He had many adventures to tell and wrote a book about his experience. Although it is currently only in Croatian (he is from Zagreb), he is releasing an English version soon. I am putting in a plug here because he seemed to be a really great guy with some awesome adventures to tell. So visit his website, http://www.1000daysofsummer.com, and buy his book when it comes out. (Or if you know Croatian, you could get a copy now). One thing that really intrigued me was that he said the world was his home for the last three years.
          That is who I have always imagined myself to be; a girl who can feel at home wherever she travels. I love traveling and I love meeting new people. I like to break down stereotypes and learn about new cultures. This is the reason that I came to Croatia. However, as much as I love these things, I realize that I don't feel at home in all places. Even here in Osijek, where I have put in so much effort to make it my own place, I don't feel at home. Even at EMU, where I was so comfortable, I never felt really connected to the place. I was connected to the people and I was so happy where I was, but I never became connected to the actual place. As much as I loved Harrisonburg, and as much as I love Osijek, I don't see a future in either of these places.
          As I expressed recently about my need for community in my life, I also long for a connection to a place. I long to feel at home and to be rooted. People often talk about needing wings to fly and roots to keep you grounded. I definitely have found my wings. I love adventure and I have learned to take risks and set out on my own. But so far, my roots have been to people. As I have been here in Croatia, it has been really hard because my roots, my people, were back in the United States. I tried to put roots here, but I was not able to do so. I found people, really, really great people, but I did not find a place to put roots.
          I realize that as much as I want to be someone who can just travel the world and be perfectly happy for one thousand days, I am not. I admire Tom (the guy whose presentation I went to) and others who live such lives, but this life is not for me. I long for roots to stable me so I am able to fly. I will keep traveling, because honestly, I am addicted. But I don't think that I will live internationally by myself again. If I am going to live internationally, I need either a community (or person) in which I can place roots, or a place to which I am deeply connected.
          Osijek is not this place. Harrisonburg is not this place. As I have mentioned before in my blog, the only places I have ever truly felt connected to were Colorado and Iraq. I have no plans to move to either one anytime soon, but I feel that my journey in those places is not done. Colorado has been there for me my whole life and in three short weeks, Iraq also grew a place in my heart. I can only wonder where I will actually end up... Will I end up in Iraq or Colorado, satisfied in a place that feels like home, or will my roots remain only with people? Or will there be a perfect fit; will I find somewhere where I plant my roots deeply in a community and a place? 

Soccer, Saint Days, and Hedgehogs

            For those who don’t keep up with important world news, Croatia played Brazil in the opening game of the World Cup on Thursday. I did not grow up in a soccer family and honestly do not know much about the sport or keep up with things such as the World Cup. And in the United States, it is fine. I might see some results on facebook, but for the most part, there is no much evidence that such an event is even happening. It is NOT like that here in Croatia. For the past month, every store has been selling Croatian jerseys, t-shirts, mugs, horns, thundersticks, ect. Cars all of a sudden are decked out with the red and white checkered pattern of the national team and flags can be seen everywhere.

            Then on Thursday, the real excitement began. Every café (of which there are hundreds in this city) brought out their TV’s or set up a large projector in the street. The three different squares of the town also set up their own screens so people could come out and watch the game together. Even though the game didn’t start until 10pm, you could hear loud music all over town with horns honking and people singing. I decided that I would watch the first half with strangers in the main square. I wanted to observe all the festivities as I rode my bike the fifteen minutes from my dorm to downtown.

            At the main square, a live band was playing Croatian music before the start of the game. People were gathered, all wearing red, white, and blue, drinking beer and laughing with friends. Even those who didn’t believe Croatia would win (we were playing the home team) was caught up in the atmosphere and singing along to the national anthem. And then when Croatia scored the first goal, chaos erupted. The whole crowd was jumping and yelling. Fire crackers were set off and the police just stood there smiling. For a moment, the whole country was together, celebrating.

The rest of game didn’t go so well. I watched the rest in my dorm, which was not nearly as full of excitement. But the referee (is that what they are called in soccer?) made some terrible calls against Croatia, which cost us the game. Even non-Croatians agree the calls were bad. But then again, Brazil did hold procession for most of the game, so they might have won anyway. The next game Croatia plays Cameroon, so hopefully that will go better. I am just excited to people watch again and be a part of all the festivities.

And then yesterday was the saint day of Saint Anthony, who is the patron saint of children and the saint of one of the Catholic churches in the old city of Osijek. (Once again, I am not sure the validity of this information… I am not Catholic and this information was roughly translated to me.) To celebrate, a huge festival was set up.  It felt like a county fair in the United States, with cotton candy and carnival rides. Booths were set up selling goods and the streets were crowded. The only part that had to do with the Saint was going to the church to receive lilies, the symbol of Saint Anthony. I had a great time with one of my good friends from the library. And afterward we got to hang out a bit and I experienced a little bit more of Croatian hospitality.

On my way home last night, I happened across a hedgehog on the side of the bike path. This was my second sighting in  a week and the second sighting of my life. Although he was terrified of me, he didn’t run away as I stopped, took pictures and petted him. Hedgehogs really are prickly! And cute! Too bad they are not nearly as common in the United States, at least where I have lived. All in all, it has been a pretty fantastic last couple of days. 

What Can I Believe?

What Can I Believe?

By Ted Loder

O God, I am so fragile:

            My dreams get broken,

            My relationships get broken,

            My heart gets broken,

            My body gets broken.

What can I believe,

            Except that you will not despise a broken heart,

            That old and broken people shall yet dream dreams,

            And that the lame shall leap for joy,

                        The blind see,

                                    The deaf hear.

What can I believe,

            Except what Jesus taught:

            That only what is first broken, like bread,

                        Can be shared;

            That only what is broken

                        Is open to your entry;

            That old wineskins must be ripped open and replaced

                        If the wine of new life is to expand.

So, I believe, Lord;

Help my unbelief

            That I may have courage to keep trying

                        When I am tired,

            And to keep wanting passionately

                        When I am found wanting.

O God, I am so frail:

            My life spins like a top,

                        Bounced about by the clumsy hands

                                    Of demands beyond my doing,

            Fanned by furies

                        At a pace but half a step from hysteria,

                                    So much to do,

                                                My days so few and fast-spent,

                                                            And I mostly unable to recall

                                                                        What I am rushing after.

What can I believe,

            Except that beyond the limits

                        Of my little prayers and careful creeds,

            I am not meant for dust and darkness,

                        But for dancing life and silver starlight.

Help my unbelief

            That I may have courage

                        To dare to love the enemies

                                    I have the integrity to make;

                        To care for little else

                                    Save my brothers and sisters of the human family;

                        To take time to be truly with them,

                                    Take time to see,

                                                Take time to speak,

                                                            Take time to learn with them                                   

                                                                        Before time takes us;

            And to fear failure and death less

                        Than the faithlessness

Of not embracing love’s risks.

God, I am so frantic:

            Somehow I’ve lost my gentleness

                        In a flood of ambition,

            Lost my sense of wonder

                        In a maze of videos and computers,

            Lost my integrity

                        In a shuffle of commercial disguises,

            Lost my gratitude

                        In a swarm of criticisms and complaints,

            Lost my innocence

                        In a sea of betrayals and compromises.

What can I believe,

            Except that the touch of your mercy

                        Will ease the anguish of my memory;

            That the tug of your spirit

                        Will empower me to help carry now the burdens

                                    I have loaded on the lives of others;

            That the example of Jesus

                        Will inspire me to find again my humanity.

So, I believe, Lord;

Help my unbelief

            That I may have courage

                        To cut free from what I have been

            And to gamble on what I can be,

                        And on what you

                                    Might laughingly do

                                                With trembling me

                                                            For your incredible world. 

Struggling and Failing

          I can't sleep right now, so I have taken the time to read through some of my old blogs. I look at the choices I have made in the last year and how I have portrayed myself. This is not a journal and since it is public, I obviously do not write about all the ugly parts of myself. But I have still tried to be honest and tried to write about how I struggle in this journey called life. And I am going through a time now when I am really struggling. I struggle with knowing who I really am and who I am called to be. I struggle to make the right decisions and how to approach life when life seems rather bleak.
          Sometimes I wonder if life just repeats itself. Looking back on this blog, I remember the times when I was really low. And then I can see how I pulled myself up (with the help of lots of amazing people who are always there to support me) and regained my confidence. I would write about what I learned. But then here I am again. It amazes me how complicated life is... how there seem to be an infinite amount of things to learn. And how we have to make mistakes to learn.
          One thing I am very afraid of and always have been is failure. I am so scared to do the wrong thing and often I don't take chances because I don't want to fail. And sometimes I do take chances and fall hard. And I learn, but I tell myself how hard it was to fall and that I never want to go there again. But it is often through the hardest times that we learn the most. I hate that this is true, but it is. I am human and thus sometimes I fall down really hard. I make mistakes and say (or write) the wrong thing. And in those moments, I am scared that the failure is my true self. I am scared that others will see this side of me and think that that is all there is. I start to believe that that is all there is.
          But it isn't. I believe that there is beauty in all people. We are created in God's image, after all. And even when we are at our worst, there is always hope we can be better. When we mess up, we can always rebuild ourselves. And the ugliness is mixed in with the beauty. And that is what makes life so complicated, terrible, wonderful, and amazing. All of are full of beauty and ugliness, but I believe it is our job to look for the beauty, in others and in ourselves. We need to accept our mistakes and learn from them, while still knowing that we might fall down again.
          And so tonight, as I struggle, I am seeking the beauty. I am admitting the ugly parts of me while remembering the good. I will not let myself down into the depths of despair, but will look for love. And I will get back up again. I am reminded of a quote from one of my favorite movies, Elizabethtown; "So you failed. Alright you really failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You think I care about that? I do understand. You wanna be really great? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you're still smiling."

Seven Months of Learning

       Seven months. I have now lived in Croatia seven months. And what a seven months they have been. Recently, I have been reflecting a lot on my time here. I have thought about all I have learned and my purpose here in this country. I feel so blessed to have the experience and even through the hard times, I don't regret coming here at all. I would like to use this post to share some of things that I have learned about myself.

1) I am made for community and building relationships with people. One of the hardest things about being here has been a lack of community. I am no longer surrounded by like-minded Mennonites who know me and love me completely. I have had to go way out of my comfort zone and be able to trust people who I don't have a common history/culture with. And in doing so, I have built some significant relationships. By trusting myself with people different than myself, I have become more open to different ideas and I am better able to empathize with people and see different view points without judging. I always thought I was open-minded before, but really I was only open to ideas similar to mine. And now, I feel like I can talk and become friends with people with whom I disagree with. I know how to find similarities and see the goodness in all people. My friend group here is so diverse from Evangelical Pentecostals to atheists, from Croatian teenagers to retired Texans. And I can honestly say I love them all! But even as I have made some significant relationships and I love the diversity of friends, I have not built a community here. I have had to rely on my community back in the United States, which has been so hard to do. I realize I need a physical community and I am unsure of how to find this here in Croatia.

2) I have learned a lot about libraries. I used to believe I knew libraries pretty well; I spent many an hour studying in EMU’s library and could always find the books I needed. But now, I understand the dewey decimal system. I understand the computer systems and how to put a new book into a system and then be able to easily find that book later when you are looking for it. I know how to run circulation, as well as shelf. And I am good at it. I have somehow become the expert in the library here and my coworkers will often come ask me how to best catalogue a book. This past two weeks, there was a group from Cedarville University in Ohio. It was my job to train them on how to process books. It was weird to have them come ask me advice when I know that they actually want to become librarians, while it is just an accident that I found this position and learned these skills.

(Also, I just want to give a quick shout-out to my Cedarville friends. You guys are really great and I feel so blessed by your friendship!)

3) I have learned how to be on my own. This has been a big one for me and one that I haven't really liked. Figuring out a new place by yourself can be really hard. Coming here, I had to do much on my own. Yes, people helped me out, but I had to take the initiative to ask for help. I had to find a way to meet people (such as couch surfing), then be willing to initiate facebook posts to actually hang out. Purchasing my bicycle was a big day for me as I had to figure out how to get to the market, then talk in both Croatian and English to find a bike I was satisfied with. It felt so great to do all of that by myself and feel like I can survive on my own. I have figured out that running and biking are two good things to do by myself. I found an art store to buy supplies and spend time painting. I have my own room and it is up to me to clean up if I don't want to live in a mess. I am in charge of my breakfasts and dinners and if I don't go to the grocery store, I won't eat. Although these skills of independence have been really good, they have also made me realize my deep need for community.

Take my bike for example. I was so proud of myself of finding a good deal and independently purchasing a bicycle. However, since the purchase of the bicycle, my front light has fallen off my bike, my bell has fallen off my bike, some of my gears stopped working, my seat will not stay in place, and it will make some clanking noises. It would have been helpful to have someone who knows about bikes come with me. And in the times when I feel really low, it would be nice to have someone to hold me when I cry. I am able to tell some of my woes to my tutor and other friends, but even then, I don't feel like I can truly let go like I can with my community back home. So I find myself holding it in or calling home.

4) Speaking positively about my bike, I have learned that bikes for commuting are amazing! I feel so much more freedom with my bike! I can now get anywhere in town in less than twenty minutes! I love being able to go to my tutor's house for lessons, as well grocery shop at bigger stores. Having a basket is a must and it is so great to see the bike lanes around town (Osijek has the most bike lanes in the country) full of people going about their lives. It has also been a way for me to escape town. The other Sunday, I rode over fifty kilometers! First, I went by myself along the Drava in the morning, then I ventured to a nearby national park with some friends! It was so great to get out and be in nature again. Whenever I return to the United States, I want to start biking more and using my bike as a means of transportation instead of just exercise. I have always dreamed about living in a city and now my dreams include a nice bike I take to work everyday. My dream of someday biking across the United States has also been awakened.

5) Traveling! I now consider myself an expert at planning and going on trips. I can find good finds for hostels as well as apartments to rent. I know how to pack my backpack most effectively and how to make the most out of my time. My parents are now saying their trip here was one of the best they have ever been on! And I have such great memories of the places I have been and all the people I have met. It has been such a job being able to see new places and meet new people. I have discovered that every place has something to offer, even little towns such as Osijek. I want to take this with me, wherever I go. Even little towns in Ohio have things to offer if you are looking. If anyone needs help planning a trip, let me know! I am more than happy to help!

6) I now know a lot more about the Croatian language and culture. I still struggle learning Croatian. It is such a hard language and with so many people able and wanting to speak in English, I have found it hard to be motivated to learn. But I am learning. I loved having my parents here and being able to order in Croatian and talk to our hosts in Croatian. I have made progress and that feels good. I also know a lot of Croatians and am learning so much about how the culture is really different than the United States. A lot of these differences are hard to name out loud. But as I have recently spent time around other Americans, I can really tell the difference and in many ways I feel like an honorary Croatian because I understand a lot better now of how they think and the culture they come from. And even though it is still easier for me to work with Americans and be myself around Americans (because it is my culture and being in your own culture is almost always easier) I find myself comfortable around Croatians. More so than other countries I visit, where I haven't lived and I don't know the people. Some aspects of Croatian life can frustrate me, but on the whole, I have come to respect and even love the culture here. And that includes the language.


This post is becoming very long, so I will stop here for now. As you can probably tell, life here has not been easy for me lately. But when is life ever easy and always going your way? People from home will ask me how it is to live in Croatia and I always answer that it has its ups and downs just like life in America. You just have to cope and do what's best for you. That's life and I am learning how to navigate it to the best of my ability. 

The last few weeks

I am so sorry for not writing in a very long time. I started a post a while ago and never finished and then I was traveling. It was all very good and in case you are wondering, I am doing really well. I cannot believe that I only have six more weeks left in Osijek! A year ago I graduated college, six months ago I moved to Croatia, and soon I will begin the next phase of my journey of finally beginning my official BVS project. But until then, I still have many more adventures here in and around Osijek.

But let me catch you up. A few weeks ago I was so excited to have my dear friend from college, Lisle Bertsche, come visit me! Lisle made the flight over to Europe for ten days to see her sister, who is studying in Vienna, and me. Since we did not have too much time, we met in Zagreb, halfway between Vienna and Osijek, and spent three and half perfect days together. Truly perfect. For me, it was so nice to have one of my closest friends come just to spend time and see a bit of the place in which I will call home. We got to explore Zagreb, as well as make a day trip to Ljubljana, the capital of Slovenia. We talked, we walked, we ate good food, we drank a lot of coffee, and just immensely enjoyed each other’s company. I loved every bit of it.

Not only was it great to spend time together, we also met some pretty cool people. We stayed at Hostel Mali Mrak Zagreb, which was a fifteen minute tram ride from the center of town. The hostel was awesome! The owner, Igor, was so friendly and unlike other hostels where I have stayed, we got to know him as he is often out in the garden hanging out with guests in the mornings and evenings. We also made friends with other travelers: fellow Americans currently studying abroad in Italy, to a great European man riding his bike from his home in Cologne, Germany all the way to Greece! I loved the wide range of conversations from college RAs to the Kurdish situation in Turkey. We also met some great Croatian girls whom I hope I will become good friends with once I move to Zagreb (well near Zagreb, technically it is Sesvete) in June.

Only a week and a half after Lisle left, I went again to Zagreb, but this time to meet up with my parents! I traveled by train on Easter and spent the night in a hostel (once again meeting some cool people and having some fascinating conversations) before meeting them at the airport the next morning. After lunch and settling into our apartment, we ventured up to the main square and went around in the rain. The next day we went to a castle about an hour away and then the cute Croatian city of Varaždin. We had dinner at a nice, traditional restaurant near Zagreb’s main square. The next day we went to the town of Rovinj in Istria, Croatian’s northern coast. Rovinj was absolutely adorable with tiny cobblestone streets and Italian written everywhere along with the Croatian (it used to be a part of the Venetian empire). The next day we also made a trip to Pula, to visit on old Roman amphitheater.

After Rovinj, we drove eight hours down the coast to get to Croatia’s most touristic town, “the pearl of the Adriatic,” Dubrovnik. Dubrovnik is an amazing old city with complete city walls. It sees 800 cruise ships a year and for any Game of Thrones fans, it is the location of King’s Landing in seasons 2 and 3. It rained most of the day when we climbed the city walls and we got soaked to the bone. But it was well worth it! Truly a must-see place in the world! We then drove back up, stopping for a few hours in Split, then to Croatia’s biggest and best National Park: Plitvice. Plitvitce has hundreds of waterfalls and is truly amazing. I have never seen anything like it in my life! (I had been there with Cara in December, but half the park was closed then, so it was good to see it again). Finally we made it back Osijek. It was so fun showing my parents my town and introducing them to some of my friends. 

April Fools!

            Thanks to everyone who read and commented on my blog. It is nice to know that people would support me and care if I did decide to make a huge life decision. However, yesterday was the April 1st, which I found out is also celebrated in Croatia by playing jokes on people. Many here were thinking of practical jokes and it was my tutor who suggested I write a fake blog post. So Happy April Fools! I am in fact, not moving to Ukraine, but staying here in Croatia.

            But I am just fine with that. Even if there was such a job in Ukraine (I did make it sound pretty awesome), I wouldn't take it at this time. It is true that I am not completely satisfied with my work here, but over the past week I have realized that it is okay for this period in my life. I might not have had the best reasons for coming to Croatia, but I feel certain that this is where I should be right now. And I find myself happy here in Osijek. I don't think I could have written that April Fools blog if I wasn't satisfied with where I was.

            Because Osijek has become my home. I have a place where I belong. Here at the seminary, I might not enjoy my work, but I love the relationships I have formed here. Joška, a retired accountant who volunteers everyday in the library has been helping me with my Croatian when I come in the mornings. He was also there at the finish line of the half marathon to cheer me on and give me a hug.

            Speaking of the half-marathon, Sunday was a great example of how integrated I have become in this place. Three other guys from the seminary ran and it was fun to feel a part of the group. Before and afterwards we all hung out with some who came to support us. We went out to eat afterwards and it felt really nice. But it was not just seminary people I talked to. I also ran part of the way with some people from the running league I have been a part with. They don’t know me very well, but it was good to have other people come to talk to me after the race and ask how it went (all in Croatian!).

The actual race was not so great. It was hotter than training had been and I think I pushed myself too fast too soon and had to walk some at the end. However, I still made the time I predicted for myself: 2 hours, 26 minutes, and 46 seconds. I felt terrible during and these past couple of days have been rough. I am so sore and my toes are very bruised. But I did it. I made my goal and I finished! For my next one (most likely October 12 in Zagreb), I made a promise to train better so I won’t feel as bad.

So I am sorry to all those who might not have appreciated my joke. But know, that I am where I am supposed to be and where I want to be. It has been an interesting journey here in Croatia, and it is not nearly over.  :)

A Change in Plans

          As you probably know from my last blog post, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I have realized that Croatia might not be the best fit for me anymore. And while doing research about possible jobs in the human rights field, I came across a position for human rights workers in Ukraine. As you know, Ukraine is going through much unrest and many feel it would be helpful to send in an international delegation to work on the ground, recording human rights abuses and being actively involved in nonviolence trainings and workshops. I interviewed and have now accepted a position with one such NGO there. I leave early next week for Kiev.
         I know that this will come as a shock for many people, especially for my new friends here in Croatia. I have really appreciated my time here and the relationships that have formed. However,  I am also excited about this new work in Ukraine. I hope to post more details in the coming days as I learn more, but I wanted to share this news as I have heard it. Your thoughts and prayers are much appreciated. 

Running away?

          Upon meeting me and finding out that I came to live here  in Croatia for almost three years without knowing anyone, a friend asked me,” What are you running away from.” Although he was joking, I have not forgotten those words. At the time I explained that I wanted adventure and to learn a new language and culture. But now, I am not so sure. You see, I was in such a hurry to leave the country. I knew my project would not start until May (now June), but I could not imagine staying in the United States any longer than I had to so I found an interim project. I didn’t really care what I was doing, but I had to leave. But why? Why was I so desperate to leave?

            I think part of the reason was that I was mad that I was graduating college. As silly as it seems, somehow I thought that if I could not stay in college, then I needed to be as far away as possible. I wanted to sound like I was doing exciting, important things in an exciting place. Anywhere in the U.S. did not seem exciting enough. And so I jumped on the chance to come here to Croatia without knowing really at all what I was getting into. I knew that if might be hard to be away for so long, but I figured it was all part of the great adventure.

            But now I am here. And reality has set in. My life isn’t glamorous, and it is not all that exciting. I currently work in a library doing work, which makes me feel like a robot. I will move in June and finally work with a peace organization, but even that does not bring excitement as the lack of expectations and even a job description scares me. As I go through what has become my normal routine, I wonder what good am I doing here? I am so far from the people I love most and the place where I feel like I could make an actual difference. I think about the real reasons I came here and I find myself wondering if I made the wrong decision. Was I really just running away? And if so, should I even stay?

            These are not easy questions and over the last few weeks I have struggled with the answers. I don’t regret coming, though. Even if I was running away, I would not have been satisfied staying in the U.S. I needed a change and I needed to try something new. And even though it has been hard at times, the experience here has been good. I have learned a lot about myself and gotten to see a new part of the world. The traveling and the relationships I have made have made it well worth my time.

            As I met with a Croatian friend over desert last night, I realized how much of a life I have created for myself here. I have a Croatian residence permit and a bank account. But even more than that, I have people I care about and people who care about me. I might not enjoy my current job, but I love the people I work with. I have formed some very close relationships that continue to grow. Just last week, I went on a day trip to Novi Sad (the second largest city in Serbia) with my good friend Debora. We had the best day walking around and talking.

I have the world’s greatest tutor! Seriously, just yesterday we ended up talking for an hour longer than the lesson time just about life. As much as I appreciate learning Croatian from her, I love even more the friendship that we have. I also have made a new friend who is from England and have enjoyed having someone my own age to talk to and hang out with who understands how hard it is to live in another country by yourself.

I have also become involved in more activities now. I run with a running club every Thursday by the river. They always time the run and even though I am one of the slowest, I have begun to meet other runners and find my own spot in the group. On Wednesday mornings, I have begun to teach an English class. I only have two students, but it has been a nice change to plan and teach lessons, something I had never done before. Oat least once a week I meet people for coffee and try to learn more about Croatia from Croatians.

And so I plan on staying. I no longer am starry-eyed and excited for whatever happens, but I want to give my new project a try and I want to continue to build a life for myself here in Croatia. There have been times when I have hated it here and just wanted to go home. But for the most part, I am content with my life here… I try to look for the positive and continue to learn new things every day. I know that things will not be easy and there will still be times when I will wonder if this is all worth it. And the time might come when it is not. It will not mean that I failed in this adventure or that I am not suited for life outside the United States, but that the placement and the time is not right. But for now, I am here for two more years and I want to make the most of it.