The Company You Keep in the Empty Moments

           I met with my spiritual director today an although we were talking about my relationship with God, I came to the realization at the session that I have not yet learned to love myself. I think I am happy with the person I am in the world, the person I am in relationship, but I am not happy with the person I am when I am alone. Someone recently brought up the poem "The Invitation," by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. I posted this poem on my blog a couple of years ago during BVS orientation, but had forgotten about it. (http://julia-exploringtheinfiniteabyss.blogspot.com/2013/07/the-invitation.html)The person mentioning this poem was thinking about some of the first lines about if I "will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive." However, what struck me then and more harshly today, is the last line... "I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments."
          I love my life. As readers of this blog know, I have amazing people in my life; I take the opportunity to do things I love such as study and travel; I try to live everyday with a sense of adventure and spend time reflecting. But for some reason, I don't like my own company in the empty moments. I hate being alone and I think it is because I still carry so much self-doubt. When I am alone, I have only my thoughts and I tend to overthink situations and overcriticise myself. This leads into a vicious cycle of seeing all my insecurities and flaws at once and becoming trapped in self-hate. To escape this cycle, instead of facing my own insecurities when I am alone, I distract myself through books, tv, other people, and even sleep. Because, I hate sitting in empty moments with only myself.
          As I was talking with my spiritual director, I mentioned how church was really meaningful this Sunday as we read and reflected on 1 Corinthians 13, the love chapter. As I read these verses out loud, I was struck anew at the deep, beauty in these verses that I hadn't seen before because they often seem so cliche. Here is David Moser's (my pastor) translation. "Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not envious, boastful, arrogant, or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it takes no delight with injustice but rejoices with the truth. It is always tolerant, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I felt something inside me realize that this is what I need more of in my life and actions. I remembered my Spanish teacher in Ecuador who talked about choosing love in every moment. (http://julia-exploringtheinfiniteabyss.blogspot.com/2015/06/passion-and-conversations-in-ecuador.html) Back then, I decided that I wanted to also do that. But time went on and I forgot. Yesterday, I was reminded of this and here in Corinthians we have instructions on what that means to choose love in every moment. We choose to be patent and kind and not get irritable. We choose to not insist on our own way, but be hopeful, be trusting. This is who I want to be in the world.
           But my spiritual director helped me see, that I also need to have these feelings toward myself. I had voiced that it is hard for me to give myself grace. As I talked, she pointed out that I was not being patient or kind towards myself. Before I can extend this love to others, I need to learn how to love myself: not just my actions or character, but love myself in those empty moments. I need to learn to extend myself grace. I recently referred to my favorite poem "To begin with, the sweet grass," by Mary Oliver in conversation with a friend. The poem ends with the line, "Love yourself. Then forget it. Then, love the world." I explained that I need to start focusing on loving the world instead of being so self-centered. However, today, I am reconsidering that. I realize that I don't love myself in the way I should. I still need to love others and love the world, but I still have work to do when it come to loving myself and becoming okay with myself in the empty moments.

On Romantic Relationships, Part 2

          My most read blog post to date was a post I wrote back in October of 2013 called "On Romantic Relationships" http://julia-exploringtheinfiniteabyss.blogspot.com/2013/10/on-romantic-relationships.html . In this post I wrote about my struggle with being single in today's society. I wrote how I felt abnormal and even embarrassed, but that I had come to the realization that I was happy being single and found so much meaning in life without having a romantic relationship. I wrote that I would not wait around for any guy but would live my life. For the last two years, I have done that. Although there were times when I still struggled with the abnormality of not ever having been in a relationship, I lived my life and went on crazy adventures. Seriously, since I wrote that post I have lived by myself abroad, visited at least seven other countries, started a grad school program, immersed myself in a new community, worked at least three different jobs, and much more. My life has continued to be full in every sense. I embraced my singleness and have been living out who I want to be in the world.
          A little over 3 weeks ago, my relationship status changed. For the first time, I have a person in my life who I call my boyfriend. And in some ways, the world has treated me differently. The most common response I have gotten as I have told people about this is "Congrats!" And that feels weird to me. It feels weird because this word connotes that I am doing something good and meaningful in a way that I wasn't before. I don't think everyone means it this way, but it feels like I am now entering a new, more developed stage. One woman, who is really such a dear, told me that I was a late-bloomer like herself. I hated this because I think I have been "blooming" for a long time. And my thoughts on life and singleness hasn't changed.
          I am in a relationship because I really like this guy and want to explore what this relationship could be. I am not in it because I wanted to change my relationship status or because I want to be able to tell other people that I am finally normal. I am not in it because I have now developed personally and am now ready for it. This relationship just happened and it is good because of the person I am in the relationship with. He is kind, caring, intelligent, funny, cute, and a bit ridiculous. I am happy, but I realize that I am not a different person because I am now in this relationship. I still crave adventure and am crazy busy with school, work, and traveling. I still hang out with my friends and develop deep relationships outside of him.
          I am changing in the fact that all relationships change you. Different people come into your life and change things. And it turns out that being in a romantic relationship for me, brings out a lot of my insecurities. Like traveling, being in close contact with someone makes you realize some your traits that you don't like and don't see in other situations. In many ways, I would rather still be single so I wouldn't have to face these insecurities. I have worked hard to develop who I am and although I am not different because I am suddenly not single, I don't know who I am in this type of relationship.  But being afraid is not a good reason to not be in a relationship.
          I don't know where this relationship is going. I hate it when people jump to the future (even though I also do this). Right now, I want to just enjoy it and use the time to grow from this experience. I want to be able to recognize my fear and insecurities and to grow from them. I want get to know him better, but I also want to get to know a different side of me. This different side isn't better or more mature than single me, but just different. Like any experience I hope to grow and change from this experience. But I want people to recognize that I am still me and will continue being me. My views on relationship haven't changed in the sense that I think it is perfectly normal to be single and being single can fulfilling in whatever life stage you are at. Being in a relationship does not make you a better, more developed whole person. In actuality, I think that singleness does a better job at developing whole people. But it is something different for me and something that I am finding worthwhile to pursue. At least for now.

A Short Visit To EMU (or coming home to Hogwarts)

          I am currently sitting in the campus center at EMU. I am back for a quick 2-day visit with really no plans other than to see a couple of close friends and see who I run into. Being here always causes much reflection. Really, being away from my life causes reflection, but especially here in this place. Because this is more than a place for me. EMU for me is a relationship. This might be a strange analogy, but it is one that has a lot of meaning in my life.
          So imagine that EMU is a person. And it was with this person whom I fell madly in love. In the fall of 2009 we began a relationship. At the beginning of the relationship, EMU told me that we would only have four years together and then we would part ways. I understood this agreement and knew that there was the biggest probability that my heart would be broken. But I took the risk and for four years I put my life and soul into this relationship. In that time, through this relationship, I learned so much about myself and who I wanted to be. I did this mostly in relation to EMU and so when the four years came to an end, I was heartbroken. I didn't want to leave. I didn't know who I was outside this relationship and frankly, I didn't want to know.
          And for two years, I was in mourning. I felt like I was floundering in the world and without EMU, I didn't know who I was. I just wanted to be back in the relationship, back in this place that meant the world to me. What I didn't realize in those two years, is how much I was growing and that EMU was still a large part of who I was and still played a huge role in my life even as I was far away. I wrote after my last visit, that I finally found closure (http://julia-exploringtheinfiniteabyss.blogspot.com/2015/04/southern-air.htm ) and that was true. I realized that I was changed because of my relationship with EMU and that EMU would always be a large part of who I am.
           Now I am back again and it is different. I am now in this different relationship (Goshen) and it is very good. But still, EMU knows me in ways that Goshen doesn't and in ways that Goshen probably never will. It was here in this place that I became who I am today. To be back is to be coming home. The intimacy I once shared is still here and I am able to reflect because in this place I can let my guard down. I am fully known here in a way where I am not in any other place. It is true that I have changed, but it is still here where my heart feels free and I can be truly at ease. It is crazy how a place can be so full of meaning and life. It doesn't matter that many of the faces of changed because this place will always be home for me. Like Hogwarts was for Harry, EMU will always welcome me back.

Facing imperfections and my own insecurity

           Today, a person made an observation that I tend to like people a lot when I meet them, but like them less when I get to know them. They didn't say it in a judgmental way at all, but in an observational way. At first, I wanted to say that this is not true. I wanted to justify myself. However, because of who I was with, I felt safe enough to realize the truth in the statement. The thing is, I am an idealist. When I meet someone new, it is easy for me to connect and be really excited. Then, when the relationship gets deeper, I see the flaws and can become easily uncomfortable because reality is messy and complicated and does not live up to the ideals I want to see in the world. I have a tendancy to withdraw from people when I see these imperfections.
          However, I do not think that it is the people I draw away from, but the person I am. When I see other people's faults, I become uncomfortable because it is so much harder to love someone with all their faults. It is easy to love the idea of someone, but so much harder to love the complicated, messy, real person. I pride myself at valuing relationships and for being someone who will be there for my friends, even during hard times. So when I am uncomfortable with seeing and being with these beautiful, complicated people, I begin to dislike myself. I see my own faults and a place in my own life where I am hypocritical. When I see this happen, instead of dealing with my own insecurity, I withdraw myself from the situation, from the person, so I don't have to deal with a version of myself I don't like. And as someone who is a conflict avoider, I never let them know why I am pulling away. I hope that they don't notice and won't be hurt.
           This is not a quality about myself that I like. I am writing it here for the world to see because I want to change. I don't want to be that person who runs away when things get tough. I don't want to be flaky or flighty. I still want to be idealistic and always look for the good in people, but I also want to be able to accept the imperfections. I want to embrace the messiness in life and be someone who can walk with others through their struggles.
         Before I get too hard on myself, I want to acknowledge all the times when I have worked through the hard times and have stayed with others. There have been several times when I have withdrawn from relationships, but have been able to work through my own issues and insecurities and have come back to form stronger, more genuine relationships. Some of my closest friends are ones in which I withdrew for months or even a couple of years, but then I grew and set realistic expectations. I let relationships happen for what they were instead of what I ideally wanted them to be. When I did this, I was able to truly love them fully and our relationships grew deeper and better than what I could have imagined them to be. 
           I have also found that the people I am closest with, I am close with because they know my imperfections and love me anyway. My best friends are the ones with whom I can tell my weaknesses and listen to theirs because we have been through a lot together and know that we are committed to each other and nothing will change the love we have for each other. As we are able to be honest and real, we reveal our true selves and the relationship deepens. And this is beautiful. This is worth the feeling of being uncomfortable. As I strive to form these types of relationships, I want to face my own imperfections in order to not draw away when I see others.

Finding Balance

          I have been thinking a lot about balance in the last couple of weeks. As I revealed in my last post, I am crazy busy, but I am at the point right now where I think I have found some sort of balance. I feel that I am steady. I am working so hard to not allow myself to stress about school or work or life because I just do not want stress in my life anymore. I want to be healthy and happy, which I am at the moment. However, I also understand that balance is precarious. I understand that something could happen tonight that could push me way off balance and most of the time, I really have no control. Sometimes I wonder if attempting to find balance is event the best thing to do. This morning while on facebook, I came across a blog post by one of my favorite bloggers, Glennon Doyle Melton, and she writes this about life (the path) and balance:
          "You will never find your perfect life 'balance' on the path for the same reason you will never find a unicorn on the path - because these things don't exist. Forget unicorns and balance. If you were perfectly balanced- you'd never have to take any ones hand to steady yourself, and that would be a tragedy. There is no solid ground on the path - so don't hold your breath till you find it. Breathe deeply and keep moving forward awkwardly. You can make it down the whole path imbalance and flailing. When you fall, give thanks for the opportunity to rest. While you're down, send love to every other path walker who's down with you at that moment. Then get back up. Or crawl. Crawling is encouraged and respected. Path running is fine, but crawling is much better. Crawlers travel with their eyes close to the ground - so they never miss an inch of the beautiful, rocky path. Crawlers get less glory but learn the most about the path's terrain." http://momastery.com/blog/2013/10/10/5-things-know-path/
          Glennon often writes in a way that I can closely identify. I love her entire post on 5 Things I Know About the Past. As avid readers of my blog know, I love path/journey/adventure metaphors. Reading this post right now is a little funny because I do think I am path running right now. Things in my life feel really good and like the 13.5 miles I ran yesterday, sometimes it can be hard physically and mentally to push through and stay positive, but the rewards and even the journey is really good and exciting. The endorphins are pretty sweet, as well as the relationships that are currently a part of my life. I want to enjoy this high. But I also want to be prepared for when I come down. I want to learn how to crawl and learn how to be okay with being awkward.
          So instead of trying to maintain this "balance" I think I have found, I want to focus on the healthy habits I am forming: running, eating healthy, sleeping 8 hours a night, setting aside specific study time, and most importantly building and maintaining positive relationships with some really good people. People who don't care that I am awkward. People who will get down on the ground and crawl with me. Especially as I know that winter is coming (metaphorically and in reality), I want these habits to ground me in the days, weeks, and months to come. I want to enjoy where I currently am, but not worry about maintaining this high because that is impossible. And perhaps by forgetting about balance I can learn to be present wherever I am and learn to take in the beauty all around me at all points on the path.

You will never find your perfect life “balance” on the path for the same reason you will never find a unicorn on the path – because these things don’t exist. Forget unicorns and balance. If you were perfectly balanced- you’d never have to take any ones hand to steady yourself, and that would be a tragedy. There is no solid ground on the path – so don’t hold your breath till you find it. Breathe deeply and keep moving forward awkwardly. You can make it down the whole path imbalanced and flailing. When you fall, give thanks for the opportunity to rest. While you’re down, send love to every other path walker who’s down with you at that moment. Then get back up. Or crawl. Crawling is encouraged and respected. Path running is fine, but crawling is much better. Crawlers travel with their eyes close to the ground – so they never miss an inch of the beautiful, rocky path. Crawlers get less glory but learn the most about the path’s terrain. - See more at: http://momastery.com/blog/2013/10/10/5-things-know-path/#sthash.Gl93VO69.dpuf

You will never find your perfect life “balance” on the path for the same reason you will never find a unicorn on the path – because these things don’t exist. Forget unicorns and balance. If you were perfectly balanced- you’d never have to take any ones hand to steady yourself, and that would be a tragedy. There is no solid ground on the path – so don’t hold your breath till you find it. Breathe deeply and keep moving forward awkwardly. You can make it down the whole path imbalanced and flailing. When you fall, give thanks for the opportunity to rest. While you’re down, send love to every other path walker who’s down with you at that moment. Then get back up. Or crawl. Crawling is encouraged and respected. Path running is fine, but crawling is much better. Crawlers travel with their eyes close to the ground – so they never miss an inch of the beautiful, rocky path. Crawlers get less glory but learn the most about the path’s terrain. - See more at: http://momastery.com/blog/2013/10/10/5-things-know-path/#sthash.Gl93VO69.dpuf

You will never find your perfect life “balance” on the path for the same reason you will never find a unicorn on the path – because these things don’t exist. Forget unicorns and balance. If you were perfectly balanced- you’d never have to take any ones hand to steady yourself, and that would be a tragedy. There is no solid ground on the path – so don’t hold your breath till you find it. Breathe deeply and keep moving forward awkwardly. You can make it down the whole path imbalanced and flailing. When you fall, give thanks for the opportunity to rest. While you’re down, send love to every other path walker who’s down with you at that moment. Then get back up. Or crawl. Crawling is encouraged and respected. Path running is fine, but crawling is much better. Crawlers travel with their eyes close to the ground – so they never miss an inch of the beautiful, rocky path. Crawlers get less glory but learn the most about the path’s terrain. - See more at: http://momastery.com/blog/2013/10/10/5-things-know-path/#sthash.Gl93VO69.dpuf

A Strange Little Family

          Two months later, I am finally writing another blog post. And like everytime I take forever to write, I am at a loss as to what to write. A lot has happened in the last two months. I traveled to Kansas to visit my nephew at the end of July, to Colorado and Kansas for family vacation in August, and to Elmira, New York to participate in Krissy's wedding over Labor Day weekend. School has started with new classes and an internship. My work schedule has changed as I transition to only two days a week (Fridays and Saturdays) at the co-op and a new position as Administrative Assistant at my church. I have begun to teach an English class once a week. My next half marathon is in a little over 3 weeks, so I have been running a lot. I also have all new housemates and thus a new community and social life. So yeah, a lot has happened in the last two months.
          With all these changes, I have had many ups and downs. The start of school was extremely stressful as I was running on little sleep (I believe I averaged 5 hours a night for about 3 weeks straight) and too many commitments. I also had some personal drama that added to my stress level, not to mention yet another faith crisis. However, I have managed to turn things around. I decided to drop a class and thus be able to concentrate better on other things. I initiated an early bedtime and built more time into my schedule to spend in community with my housemates. My personal drama resolved itself and I have been able to talk with academic advisor about my faith questions. And so for the last week and a half, I have been really good. I feel like I have reached a balance in my life and even as my schedule is full, it is full of really good things that bring me energy.
          The thing that has brought me the most energy and a feeling of fullness has been my new housemates. There are currently six of us living in the house: four guys who are finishing up studies and work at Goshen College, and one girl who is full-time at Goshen College. We are all randomly connected to my seminary friend whom I originally moved into the house with (he and his wife recently moved out so she could begin a residency job at Goshen College). It might have been random, but we have connected so well. The four guys have been living together for the last couple years and are some of the most quality guys that I have known. They are each so unique and bring totally different dynamics to the house. Sonya, the other girl, is a beautiful spirit and in her I have found a most delightful, honest friendship. I look forward to going home everyday as I know I will be greeted with "Julia, you're home! Come sit with us!" Most every night, we congregate in the living room to share about our days, tell funny stories, snuggle, play interesting youtube videos, and just be. We have become a strange little family.
          I find myself falling deeper and deeper in love with these people everyday. It is so strange because I was satisfied with the community I found in Goshen this summer, but what I have now is so much deeper and more satisfying. I have balance in my life right now because I have such amazing support. A few weeks ago when I came home crying, I found arms that held me, hands that brought me tissues and tea, and ears that truly listened. On an everyday basis, I have people that accept me for exactly who I am and truly care to hear about the details of my day and my life. My thoughts are valued as well as my character. I really cannot adequately describe the feeling of wholeness I have right now. This wholeness has spread throughout my life and I have noticed less stress at school and work. I find myself truly happy. This living situation is not forever, but while it lasts, I am going to soak it up because some people search their whole lives for this kind of community, this strange little family, that I just stumbled into.

Summer Adventures

          It seems like forever since I have written. Probably because so much has happened since I last wrote. When I wrote my last post I was still in Ecuador. Now I am back in Indiana. I have planned on writing for a while. I planned to write how amazing my summer has continued. And that is true. I arrived back in the U.S. and immediately began traveling again. I did a week-long roadtrip, once again to the East Coast. I stopped in Ohio to see my parents, Pittsburgh (a surprise detour because of a storm) to see my friends Ruth and Jana, Baltimore to see Darian, Waynesboro/Charlottesville to see Rachel Hershey, and finally a perfect weekend in Richmond, Virginia staying with "my little sister," Rachel Bowman (and tea with my friend Bekah!). It was a whirlwind trip with a lot of catching up with really good friends. These trips give me so much energy as I am reminded how loved I am and how lucky I am to be living this life. I then picked up my friend Josh from Harrisonburg and he came back to Goshen with me. We had a perfect two days as I showed him around town, introduced him to some of my friends, and made a day trip to Warren Dunes on Lake Michigan. He left and I then had three days to get my life together and plan a church service.
           Then last week, I went back to work. I am working a lot of hours now at the co-op. At least a lot for me. I forgot how exhausting eight hour shifts are when you are on your feet the whole time doing the same thing. I enjoy interacting with customers and my coworkers, but I must say that I prefer traveling to working. It has been really nice, though, not to think about school work. Instead, I spend my days off running errands (I am currently housesitting/dogsitting, so mowing grass and dishes need to be done) and spending lots of time with friends. I have hosted a couple of dinners and have been busy. For the most part, it has been an amazing summer.
          And yet, I am writing today because it has been a bad couple of days. I have been extremely tired and crabby for no good reasons. Today, I came home from work exhausted and fell asleep on the couch and thus missed my ultimate frisbee game, then overate, then was just mad at myself and watched bad tv before trying to go to bed early. Finally, I gave up and decided to get over myself and spent an hour cleaning the kitchen. As I washed dished and listened to This American Life, I felt my bad mood fading away. I became reflective and thus here I am writing. I am still tired, and I am still not very happy, but I am calm.
          It is so weird to believe that I moved back to the U.S. a year ago. This year has certainly had its ups and downs. But I am glad to be back in the U.S. I am happy with the choices I have made and the ways I have acted. This is not to say I have always made the best decisions, but slowly I am learning to cope with what life throws at me. I am learning how to be myself in new situations and be okay with uncertainty. That is probably what I have learned most in this year. I went to seminary looking for answers and found only more questions. A year ago, I had a plan of what I was going to do with my life and now I don't. However, with the exception of bad days such as yesterday and today, I am happy. I find myself embracing the questions and embracing an unknown future. I realize that I am so young with my whole life ahead of me. There is so much time to figure out what I am going to do, and that is also probably going to change a hundred times in the next sixty years. I am always going to have questions and most probably won't find answers. But it all comes back to adventure.
          I have been a bit obsessed with the word adventure for a few years. But it just describes so well the way I want (and do!) live my life. I don't know what's going to happen and I don't know the answers. Some days I think I know myself really well and others I have no idea who I am. But these questions, these journeys, these ups and downs are all a part of this grand adventure. And what an adventure! Not only was I able to explore an amazing new country this year, I made myself a home in Goshen, Indiana. I have finished my first year of grad school, but more importantly, I have developed really important friendships. Even during the last couple of bad days, I have been so thankful for the the smiles and laughs of my friends here. A little over a year ago, I had no idea that my adventure would take me here and would have cringed at the thought. But here I am, and for the most part, I am glad to be here.
          Well this was a lot of rambling, that probably didn't go anywhere. But it feels good to be writing again (and from a computer!) and it feels good to process some thoughts after a couple of bad days. Hopefully, I will write again soon and next time try to have more of a point and more cohesive thoughts. Oh well, not every blog post can be a work of art.

The End of the World Again

          As I mentioned in my last post I am not good at letting things go. I realize that for me I need to process everything and mourn in order to move on. Even the small things I need to mourn. It might seem silly but I have a super active a imagination and I can picture how good things could be and I get it into my head and want so badly for things to be a certain way. So when things end too early, it is really hard. And to be able to move on, I need to be in a bad mood for a little bit. I need to say that life isn't fair in order for me to enjoy the next thing. And here in Ecuador, the next thing has been amazing. Every time. Like right now, I am sitting under a palm tree, watching the sunset over the Pacific Ocean. Amazing.

          I am reminded of the Steel Wheels concert I went to last month. Trent, the main singer explained how it is hard for them to leave a place they love performing in. It is also really hard to leave home. The lyrics to their title song go, "Time creeps forward without failure. You can't help but leave some things behind. Oh it's the end of the world again my darling. I can almost see the fire in the sky. Can't go back, that time is over. You can't help but leave some things behind. I am going to leave, I don't know any other way." This is how it is for me. It feels like the end of the world when I leave a place I love, when I leave a person I have come to care about. But you have to leave some things behind .

          And soon, on Sunday, I will leave Ecuador, a place I have come to love. It will be hard. This is the hard part about this life I have chosen for myself, this life of travel and adventure. I always have to leave some things behind. But there are always new things ahead and I wouldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't trade this life of mine for anything else. As the Steel Wheels say in another song, "It makes a difference where you go. It makes you different where you go." Ecuador, the places I have seen, the activities I have experienced, the Spanish I have learned, and all the incredible people I have met this past month have changed me. And I feel so blessed.  

Learning to let go

          It is getting late and I have an early morning tomorrow, but I wanted to take the time to write about one of the things I struggle with when traveling. As I have mentioned before, one of my favorite parts of traveling is meeting new people and making new friends. But then I hate saying goodbye. Especially when I feel like I really connect with someone, I don't want to let go. I want these relationships to mean as much to the other person as they do to me. I want them to last. And so instead of just salvoring the time I had and appreciate it for what it was, I become so sad that it is over. Somehow I feel like it had less meaning because it was only for a short time. In my head, I know this isn't true, but my heart tells me otherwise.

          This is only one example of how traveling teaches me more about myself. When I am tired and overloaded, I face parts of me that I don't always like. I face part of my personality that doesn't come out other times, or at least it comes out in more extreme ways. And I am forced to deal with these parts of my personality and figure out how to deal with them and even use them to be more authentically me, and hopefully to become a better person. And writing helps... thus this short blog post.

Four full weeks in Ecuador

So I started this blog post weeks ago but it took a long time to get caught up so I decided to wait to post it until now. I know there will be tons of proofreading errors but I will fix those when I get home.   Here is most of what happened in the last month:

Sunday, May 24 : fly from ORD to Quito with a layover in Panama. Take a taxi from airport to host family, have dinner and settle in

Monday, May 25 : class for 4 hours in the morning, 2 hours in the afternoon walking around neighborhood by Plaza Foche and getting juice with my teacher. Attend a lecture about history of Ecuador (in Spanish) then dinner and relax

Tuesday, May 26 : 4 hours of class, then walked to artisan market with teacher, then met up with Cara before salsa lessons at school. Dinner and relaxing at host family.

Wednesday, May 27 : 4 hours of class then took a taxi to Old City with professor to go up in the cathedral, then went to another church and toured the president's house. Went to cooking class at school then went out for coffee by myself to journal and met a new friend. Took new friend to meet up with friends from school for drinks then dancing.

Thursday, May 28 : 2 hours of class then morning teacher took us to local market for an amazing lunch of fried fish with a shrimp sauce on top. In the afternoon we went with both our teachers to the museum and home of the Ecuadorian painter, Guyasamin. Then dinner and early bed.

Friday, May 29 : 4 hours of class in the morning, then we took a taxi to Mitad de Mundo, the museum on the Equator . We learned about different traditional lifestyles in Ecuador and then got to do experiments on the Equator such as watching water drain, balancing an egg on a nail, and walking on the line with eyes closed. Took local buses back and the second bus crashed with a car. No one was hurt but the car looked kind of bad but it just drove off and the bus continued .

Saturday, May 30 : We left early to meet a group at school to take a 2-day tour. We stopped at 2 different markets, first for fruit, and then an indigenous market that had clothes and food. It was neat to people watch and see the fashion of the indigenous people. On the bus ride, we also saw indigenous families with their llamas, cows, and goats. We then arrived at Quilatao, a crater lake. We hiked down and then kayaked in the lake. Then, we took a 2 hour hike back up the mountain. It was hard because of altitude but nice. We then ate lunch at the top before getting back in the bus and driving a couple of hours to our lodge. There we ate dinner and went in the jacuzzi before bed.

Sunday, May 31: After breakfast at the lodge, we took the bus to Cotapaxi, the second tallest active volcano in the world. We picked up a couple of guides and drove part way up. It was really cloudy on the volcano, so unfortunately we could not see the top. Hiking then was a little crazy because it was rainy and really windy. It also started to snow a bit. But I loved it! It felt so epic! We did not hike all the way up but went to where a glacier starts (it is technical climbing after that). The path was really sandy but I thought it was a great hike. We then went back to the lodge for lunch and then back to Quito.

Monday, June 1: 4 hours of class in the morning, then our afternoon teacher tried to take us to the national museum but it was closed on Mondays. We ended up walking through a park and watching a comedy show, then walking to other neat parts of the neighborhood. Cara and I then went for coffee at this awesome place that had pour overs. We had dinner at our host family and just relaxed.

Tuesday, June 2 : We had our usual 4 hours of class in the morning, then in the afternoon we took a cable car up above the city with our teacher and another student. It was so beautiful as we could see a lot of the city! We played some word games in Spanish before heading back down. We then had salsa lessons at school, dinner at home, and then met friends for drinks.

Wednesday, June 3 : We had 2 hours of class and then our teacher took us to the market to try fruit that doesn't exist in the U.S. We probably tried 10 different kinds and it was so good! We ate lunch there again before going to the national museum with our afternoon teacher. The museum had a lot of Pre-Columbian art that I loved. We then went back to school and said goodbye to all our friends. We went and bought some local chocolate and then relaxed at a place called the Cheesecake Café. It was amazing cheesecake! We had our last dinner with our host mom in Quito and then packed all our stuff. We then got a ride to the bus station by the tour agent from our school and took an overnight bus to Lago Agrio, our meeting place for our jungle adventure.

Thursday, June 4 : after hanging out in a small cafe for hours, we finally board a bus for the jungle. 2 hour bus ride then 1 hour boat ride. Upon arrival to our lodge we eat lunch and our guide introduces himself and shows us around. After a shower I take a much needed nap on a hammock listening to the rain. In the late afternoon we get in a boat with another group to look for animals and then swim in the middle of a lagoon. After sunset we head back to the lodge for dinner and bedtime.

Friday, June 5 : After breakfast we take a boat to a place where we trek through part of the jungle learning about the plants . Then we get in a large canoe and paddle all the way back to the lodge for lunch. After nap time in the hammocks, we head back out to the lagoon. After sunset we head into the jungle to look for insects and spiders in the dark. Then dinner, conversation, cold shower by candlelight, and bed.

Saturday, June 6 : After breakfast we head out on the boat upstream to a local indigenous village. We make bread out of yuka root and then eat lunch there. After wandering around the village we go meet with a local shaman, an indigenous medicine man. We learn his process, ask questions, and then see a demonstration.   We head back to the lodge shortly before heading to swim in the lagoon at sunset. After sunset we look for caymen (like alligators), then dinner and bed.

Sunday, June 7 : We get up for an early morning bird watching boat trip before breakfast. Then pack up, say goodbye, and take the hour boat ride then 2 hour bus ride, then 7 hour bus ride to Quito. In Quito we board an 8 hour night bus to Cuenca.

Monday, June 8 : We arrived in Cuenca at 6 am, took a taxi to the school, then walked around for 2 hours until the school opened. We met our new teacher and had four hours of lessons, then went to our new host family, had lunch, took a shower and headed back to school. A new afternoon teacher took us around town. I didn't like him at all as he spoke in English, was egocentric, and tried to get us to buy things from his friends. Combined with little sleep, I was in a terrible mood. But then Cara and I found a vegetarian restaurant with amazing juice. We then walked around, enjoyed a little of the Corpus Christi festival going on and then finally headed home to bed

Tuesday, June 9 : We had 4 hours of classes in the morning, lunch then nap, then met with a new afternoon teacher whom we loved! We toured a hat factory and walked more around town talking only in Spanish. We then went back to school for cooking class then got ice cream with a friend before chilling at home. 

Wednesday, June 10 : 4 hours of class in the morning and then after lunch with host family our afternoon teacher took us to a good lookout of the city called Turi. We then took a taxi back to the school for dancing lessons. Then we went to our dance teacher's art studio to see his paintings and listen to his Austrailian student play the flute. We then got pizza for dinner and went home for the night.

Thursday, June 11 : 4 hours of classes in the morning then we went out with other students to try guinea pig for lunch. I actually really liked it. Then we went with our afternoon teacher first to the modern art museum, which sadly had no art (a new exhibit opens next week) and then climbed to the top of the old cathedral, had a tour of the museum in the old cathedral, then visited a small zoo and got to take a selfie with a llama. We then went back to school for salsa lessons and then went with 3 other students to watch Ecuador play Chile in soccer at a bar. We then watched a fireworks show at the main square as part of the Corpus Christi festival.

Friday, June 12 : We met our morning teacher at 7 at the bus station to go to the Incan ruins Ingapirca. It took a couple of hours and a couple buses to get there. It was rainy but we had a great time going around with our lovely teacher and learning about the Incas and other indigenous groups from long ago. We arrived back in Cuenca around 3 and then went on a final walk around town, buying some food, and finally saying goodbye to our host family and boarding a 10pm bus to Ambato, a transfer city. We arrived in Ambato at 4am then took an hour taxi ride to our hostel in Baños.

Saturday, June 13 : we slept for 4 hours before breakfast then went zip lining! It was so cool as we went over a river and into a canyon. We then went in a scary bridge, climbed up a cliff, and zip lined back to where we started. We did a little shopping, ate lunch, showered, then met up with our Swiss friend (whom we met at our school in Quito and then again in the jungle) for paragliding. We went up on the mountain and 3 people went at a time. I didn't go first and then it started to rain so I had to wait what seemed like forever (I got really impatient) but finally I got to fly. And it was amazing. So peaceful and amazing as I sat there and the pilot took us over fields, trees, cows and in front of mountains and a volcano. It was also super cold. After getting back to town, Cara and I went with our Swiss friend to a Swiss bistro and ate Swiss foundu. It tasted so good! We then went and changed before heading back into town to go salsa dancing.

Sunday, June 14 : After checking out and having breakfast at the hostel, we went canyoning, which is repelling down waterfalls. We practiced in town before heading to the mountains. Our guide was super fun and has so much passion for his job. He is actually moving in October to Colorado to be a white water rafting guide. But anyways, we hiked up and then repelled down 4 waterfalls. Some of them were really strong and I lost my footing, but our guide hung on so it was never dangerous. We then slid down the last two falls. We went back to the hostel, grabbed our stuff, grabbed some street food, and boarded a bus back to Quito. Once in Quito we took a taxi to a McDonalds where we met the Spanish teacher who would go to the coast with us. We then went to a different station and boarded an overnight bus to the coast.

Monday, June 15 : We arrived at our resort at 6 am. We were greeted by Ana amazing view of the ocean and a great hotel room and pool. We showered, took a walk on the beach, observed local fishermen, then had breakfast. At 10:30 we had Spanish class poolside for 4 hours. We really liked our professor and learned a lot. In the afternoon we went into town (a tiny town of only 500 people) for lunch and then layer poolside. After listening to an audiobook, Cara and I went for a short run then had dinner at the resort. We had a chill evening and went to bed early.

Tuesday, June 16 : We ate breakfast then had 4 hours of Spanish lessons with a pool break in between. Cara and I headed into town for lunch. Our teacher then met us and we walked for an hour to the next town then came back for a beer (it was really hot). We chilled the rest of the afternoon and evening with dinner somewhere in the mix.

Wednesday, June 17 : After an early breakfast, we traveled to a town an hour away, then walked across a very long bridge, then caught a bus to a poplar beach. Well it is supposedly popular on the weekends. But we swam in the ocean then got lunch and took 2 other buses to a mangrove island. We went around this island by boat and had a guide. It was interesting but I was exhausted and so it could have been better . We then waited for buses and eventually made it back to the resort. We had dinner and went to bed early.

Thursday, June 18 : We had breakfast and 4 hours of Spanish classes. Then we went to town for lunch and came back and laid in the sun for two hours listening to Amy Poehler's memoir on audiobook. After dinner, I was uploading pictures to Facebook and was interrupted by a Nigerian man and ended up talking with him for a while. There was a birthday party going on for a woman turning 80 and I was invited to join the dancing by her 23 year old grandson. It was so fun as I got to meet the family and join the festivities for a little while. Later, when I was once again uploading pictures, the grandma came by and I told her happy birthday and she gave me some of the leftover candy. Her 12 year old granddaughter then came and talked to me and it was so fun! She was so cute! It was a great ending to the week and good Spanish practice.

Friday, June 19 : We ate breakfast then had our 4 hours of class. Then we packed, had lunch, and hung out by the pool. I ended up talking with a couple of the hotel workers which was nice. I like meeting new people and learning about their lives. Then we checked out, walked into town with our stuff and took a bus tithe city where we would catch our bus to Quito. There, we bought our tickets, watched soccer, and ate dinner before getting on a 10:20 pm bus back to Quito

Saturday, June 20 : We arrived in Quito a little after 4 am and then took a taxi to a hostel, checked in, and fell back asleep for a few hours. After showers and a late breakfast we headed to the market to buy souvenirs. We had so much fun bartering for gifts for family, friends, and ourselves. We got lunch at some point and eventually made it back to drop off our stuff at the hostel before having coffee and talking with the cafe owner for over an hour. He is Canadian and has such interesting ideas about life. It was really fun. Then, we had dinner at a nearby bakery. It was mostly desert but so good! We then got juice at a cute restaurant to end our time in Ecuador.

Tomorrow Cara flies to Guatamala and I fly home. As you can see, it has been a full 4 weeks and I am exhausted. As much as I will miss this country, I am ready to go home. 

Passion and Conversations in Ecuador

          So I spent like 2 hours writing a blog post while in the rainforest on Thursday but it somehow got  deleted once I got internet again. I promise to write about everything that has happened and all the crazy adventures I have been on in the last 2 weeks, but right now I want to reflect on some of the conversations that I have had and some of the many thoughts floating around in my head. 

          First, while it is still fresh, I want to process this morning's Spanish lesson. My cousin Cara and I arrived in the city of Cuenca yesterday morning and began classes right away with two new teachers. Our morning teacher is this great woman, probably in her late 20's, maybe early 30's. I liked her right away as she speaks really only in Spanish and has been giving us vocabulary that is helpful for our lives (such as fruits and vegetables since I work in a food coop). She also revealed yesterday that she is a vegetarian and cares a lot for her health and is okay being different. And then today she told us about her own personal philosophy. She discovered Krishna mediation from India about five years ago and really just changed her life around. Instead of caring about money and possessions, she started caring about love and showing her inner light to the world. As she spoke, her eyes just glowed. She talked about living everyday with optimism and it is this optimism, this positive energy that can change the world. You could tell that she just loved her life and that everyday and in every moment, she makes the choice to choose love and choose hope. I loved listening to her (even though it was tiring because it was all in Spanish) and could feel her passion being passed onto me. She is becoming a role model for me because I want that balance in my life. I want to live in optimism and pass on positive energy to all those around me. It was such a sacred moment as I felt connected with her and with God. It felt like destiny that I was there in that classroom today.

          I think that traveling brings out a lot of sacred conversations. At least for me, traveling creates the opportunity to look for the unexpected and to be open to hearing the stories of people around you because you realize that everyone has stories. I have really enjoyed learning about different people's passions. My afternoon teacher in Quito was telling me how much he loved Quito. Although he might like to live in another country for a bit, he wants to be in Ecuador long term. He likes the climate, the people, and the city. It is not that he was patriotic, but he just really liked where he was. It is kind of how I now feel about the United States. The U.S. Is not perfect at all, but it is home for me and it is where (I think) I want to be. Then in the rainforest, I talked with our guide who was this 22 year old guy who grew up in a small village near the national park we were at. You could tell that he loved his job and truly loved the forest. The jungle for him was home and he was so passionate about the animals and plants that are there. He was taking pictures right along with us of all the amazing wildlife. I think it was partly his passion that made me fall in love with jungle also. It was also interesting to hear about his life growing up because it was so different than my own. I definitely did not play with poisonous snakes!

          Other good conversations have had to do with politics. It has been so interesting to learn about Ecuador's socialist president. Some people here just really love him while others think he is just a liar and a thief. I don't think I have my own opinion yet, but it has been super interesting to hear the different perspectives. I also have learned more about the machismo culture here and even about the LGBTQ community in Ecuador. Today in class we also talked about governmental programs and Cara and I had to explain about unemployment in the U.S. It made me embarrassed, not because I didn't know the Spanish words, but that I don't know how things like unemployment and food stamps work in the U.S. I realized once again how stuck I am in my middle-class life and am just uniformed. As a person who is concerned about social justice, I hate that I don't know these things.

          There is so much more I could write as I have been making so many new friends and meeting people from all over the world. One thing that has surprised me is how people are not usually how I first perceived them. And (almost always) people turn out to be super nice and super interesting and fun. I really have loved meeting people and learning new things. In so many ways, this trip has been a perfect fit for me.

From Goshen to Quito!

          Like usual, I have been meaning to write for a long time. I especially hoped to write last week to process some of the great things that have happened before I left for my next adventure. Alas, here I am writing from Quito, Ecuador. So let me quickly write about the last two weeks before I reflect on my first impressions of this beautiful city.

          Many things happened in the last few weeks. First, I made a new friend in Goshen. This was an unexpected friendship and one that became very deep very quickly. With this friend, I have been able to be vulnerable but still wholly accepted and I think I was able to do the same for them. These are the types of relationships that give me energy and confidence. Because of these deep conversations, I can live more fully into who I want to be. Even though this friend moving away, I am really thankful for the time we had together and the chance to get to know someone on a deeper level.  

          Last weekend was also amazing as my dear friend from college, Rachel, flew in. I picked her up from Chicago last Thursday and brought her back to Goshen. I introduced her to my friends and on Friday I took her to class and the we went to all the best spots in Goshen. I loved showing her my new home and it made me more excited about Goshen itself. Saturday we headed into Chicago where we met up with our friend Anna. It was Anna's birthday so we went out to eat (at an amazing vegan restaurant) and hung out. Sunday we got up extremely early to go downtown to run the half marathon. It was an amazing race! I finished eleven minutes faster than my last half and a lot faster than I had been training. Rachel also did amazing. After visiting the Bean (a Chicago landmark) we showered and then headed back downtown for deep dish pizza and a trip up the Sears tower. My legs were completely dead by the end of the day and my mind wasn't working great either. Monday morning we went out for brunch then shopping. We ended our time together drinking coffee and eaton an amazing cookie sitting outside talking and watching the world pass by. It was a golden moment.

          I returned to crazy paper writing to finish up the semester. I did not put in my best effort at the end, but I learned so much in my classes this semester and I think I did well with the balance between school, work, running, and socializing. In my last few days in the U.S. I worked quite a few hours, packed, and spent time with friends. Saturday night was also another perfect night as I went out to the new Goshen Brewing Company with a good friend. The weather was perfect, the beer was tasty, and company enjoyable. I realized how I have fallen in love with Goshen and as excited as I am to be in Ecuador, I am excited to return  to Indiana.

          But now, Ecuador! So my cousin Cara and I were talking over Christmas and realized that we both wanted to learn Spanish. We had already traveled together in Europe so we thought why not do another continent together. After much research and conversations, we decided on Ecuador. Mostly, the Spanish has an easy accent to understand and I really wanted to be in mountains. So here I am in the capital city of Quito! I flew from Chicago yesterday and Cara will join me tomorrow. So far, it has been excelante!! We are staying with a host mom who doesn't speak any English but is super kind and a great cook! I have been amazed at my ability to understand and speak as I haven't studied Spanish in six years and never learned it well. The house is really nice. There is another student staying here also and we all get our own bedrooms and bathrooms. We will eat breakfast and dinner here everyday and then find lunch somewhere by our school.

          It takes about 20-25 minutes to walk to school. I had my first classes today and I already love my teachers! I was by myself but Cara and I will be together when she arrrives. The plan for our two weeks in Quito is to have four hours of lessons in the morning, focusing mostly on grammar and then two hours in the afternoon where we walk around the city and work on conversation. Today was a lot of beginning conversation and trying to remember all the Spanish I have forgotten. For the afternoon, it began to rain a little so my teacher took me to where you can get amazing, fresh juice. It was possibly the best thing I have ever drunk! (I forget the name of the fruit... We don't have it in the U.S.) After resting at home, I went back to school for a lecture on the history of Ecuador. It was in Spanish, but very easy Spanish and extremely interesting. Then it was home for dinner and then homework. The school offers a different activity every night including cooking and dancing classes! I am so excited for everything. 

          Cara and I plan to be here in Quito two weeks, then one week in the city of Cuenca, and then a week on the coast, taking Spanish classes the whole time. So far, I love the country. The mountains are beautiful and the weather is perfect (jeans and cardigan weather... My favorite)! The city seems great so far and I really cannot wait to see more! I fear that these four weeks are going to fly by and I won't want to return.

The Joy of Running

          Today I want to write about something that has become a huge part of my life; running. You might remember that I trained and ran my first half marathon last spring. It was not great training and the half did not go really well, but I finished and it was quite an achievement. Even though during the race, I swore I would never run another half marathon again, I knew it wasn't true. I knew that I just needed to put in better training the next time. And I have. I will run my second half in another week. This time, I have tried really hard to stick to a training schedule and push myself to achieve goals. I ran 13.5 miles two weeks ago (the longest run of my life!) and it felt great. So why do I run? And why half marathons?
         First, I am not really a self-motivated person. I know myself well enough to know that I won't just go out and run if I am not training for something, at least not on a regular basis. By having the goal of a half marathon (one that I have paid a lot of money to run) I have something to work toward. Instead of paying money for a gym or a personal trainer, I pay money for a race and then put in the work needed to run. For training this time, I have included speed interval runs, tempo runs, cross-training, and even yoga! This has kept the schedule interesting as I always am doing something different. I like the variation, but I also like the schedule. Running has become the litany of my week.
         I have to admit, that I am still not fast. I still don't consider myself a runner at all. I still rarely get a runner's high. I am enjoying running more and more, but I don't run for the sake of running, or even the sake of being healthy. I like running for the benefits and perspective it gives me. One of the main benefits is confidence! I ran 13.5 miles the other week... without stopping! This is something I never dreamed I would be able to do, but here I am doing it! I really feel like I am accomplishing something. As a Mennonite, I try to be humble, but honestly, I am really proud of myself. I have been able to set a goal and keep to it to achieve the previously impossible. This feels really good and makes me believe that I can do other things I previously felt impossible. I feel more confident in myself in other parts of my life because what I have accomplished with my running.
          The other part that I love about running is the litany that has developed in my life. This litany has developed a new perspective in my life with habits that I love. First, by going out to run at least three times a week, I have been forced to take time out of my schedule to be. I can't study when I run and I can't work. I have accepted my time running as a gift, as a break from my busy schedule. This is time that I can breathe and reflect. Often I listen to podcasts or music, or sometimes I just make up stories in my head. And this time has become sacred. I don't feel guilty for not doing other things, but allow myself to be truly in the moment.
          This litany has also forced me to notice the outside world. During the winter when I was getting depressed and feeling stuck, I forced myself to go outside. And this made winter seem easier. Cold does not feel nearly as cold when you are running and being outside makes a world of difference when you feel stuck. I still hate winter and I did struggle with depression, but running helped me get through it. And by being aware of the outside world, I got to take in the first signs of spring. I don't think I ever have been more aware of the changing seasons before. The world is really a beautiful place and running has helped me recognize this. This spring, I have seen the leaves grow on the trees and animals come out. I have happened across turtles and ground hogs and now little goslings are out on the Mill Race, my favorite path. As I see this new life around me, I feel new life within me.
          I do feel healthier. Along with my whole-foods, plant-based diet, I am the most healthy I have ever been in my life. I feel like I am finally in charge of my body and thus my life. There are many reasons I am at a good place right now in my life, but I think that running has been a huge influence. I am excited to run the half marathon next week and even more excited to continue this habit of running. I hope that I can keep it up in the years ahead and that it will continue to provide me health, confidence, and intunement with myself and the world around me.

The Spiritual Journey as an Adventure

          I am at the point in the semester when I really do not have time for blogging. I really shouldn't have time for sleeping, eating, or socializing, but I am doing all of those, so why not blog? My mind has been so full of different thoughts. My trip out east was so meaningful and I am still mulling over conversations that I had there. On my drive home, I listened to several podcasts and then upon arriving home, I have dove back into my theological reading. I wish I had more time to process all this that is happening. But I do want to share a little of my current faith journey. Below are some quotes from the book What Would Jesus Deconstruct: The Good News of Post-modernism for the Church by John D. Caputo. I read this for my cultural hermeneutics class and saw my own journey in these words.

     "But a genuine adventure means venturing out into the unknown, where no one knows the way and we are not sure whose steps to follow... Are we not like people following an obscure clue, on the tracks, on the trail, in the trace of something-we-are-not-sure-what? Are those who write about spiritual journeys sometimes a little too assure about where they are going and how to get there? There are, after all, two ways to be on the way: the first, in which one knows the way and the task is to get there (which certainly can be hard enough), and the second, in which one must, like an explorer, find the way. In the latter and, I am inclined to think, more postmodern situation, one is always a little lost, where being lost and being on the way, far from excluding each other, mutually imply each other." Page 39.

For those who know me well, you know that I love adventure. I crave adventure. And so to speak of my spiritual journey as an adventure makes a lot of sense. This current adventure of mine here at seminary has been me feeling lost. I can't say why I am here. I can't tell you how I am going to use my degree or what use a theological education is. But perhaps, like the quote explains, being lost means that I am on my way. Where that is, I don't know, but right now I am very excited about the adventure.

     "We have a sense, a faith, a hope in something, a love of something we know not what, something that calls on us. The great dignity of being human lies in pursuing goals for which there is no guarantee of success and even, at a certain point, no hope of success. But being 'religious people,' by which I mean people who dream of things that have never been and ask 'why not?' we still pursue them." Page 49.
     "Real journeys are full of unexpected turns and twists, requiring a faith that can move mountains and a hope against hope, where one does not see what one was trying to do until the journey is completed." Page 52.

I think this describes beautifully the reason why I am here at seminary. I have this sense, this hope, this love of something that I cannot fully describe. Perhaps it is God? And perhaps I won't know until the journey is over.

          While visiting my friend Amy in DC, I went with her to a church service where her housemate Ian spoke. He delivered this beautiful sermon on "Where is God?" http://8th-day.org/sermons/where-god I encourage everyone to read the entire thing, but I want to use a quote from it here, because it seemed to just fit perfectly with Caputo's reading and my own faith journey.

     "Quite honestly, I do not have an answer the question I posed in this sermon.  Where is God?  I cannot always be sure.  My home church, First Unitarian Church of St Louis, used to have a banner out front that read, “The Search is the Answer.”  This feels right to me.  More than a clever, quotable statement of Unitarian Universalist theology, it is an ambitious truth.  Questions often leave us reeling in the dark.  To be present in the suffering of our search and to extend grace to ourselves throughout is quite a radical notion.  And to celebrate it seems just short of madness.  But what if we make that journey together?  We may not come from the same place or even arrive at the same answers, but maybe our connection along this road is the answer.  Maybe there we encounter a love subversive enough to claim divinity."  

I love that last line. This is the journey that I am on. It is a journey where there are not a lot of answers, but that is also the beauty of it. And I am not alone. The great thing about this journey is that I join a community of believers who do are not perfect but are on this adventure together and perhaps it is in the adventure, in the search, that we will encounter the divine.

Southern Air

          My heart is so full (in the best of ways) as I write this. I am currently in Washington DC, a stop on my Spring Break road trip. I have known that I needed to make this trip since I arrived back in the United States, but it was only now that I have been able to do it. I started Saturday night with a visit to Pittsburgh before traveling to Harrisonburg, VA, now in DC, tomorrow to Lancaster, and finally spending the weekend in Elmira, NY. So far I have spent quality time with ten different friends. It has been crazy, but so good. I have needed this trip in so many ways.
          The last couple of months have been hard. The last two years have been hard. I started two blog posts in the last month that I never finished about how I have been feeling depressed. How I feel like I am lost and I just don't quite know who I am in the world anymore. At EMU I was so sure and I was surrounded by people that knew me and loved me unconditionally. I missed people desperately, but even more so, I missed who I used to be. I missed the home I formed at EMU and I thought it was gone forever. But this week I have been reminded that this isn't true at all.
          You see, EMU is not a place or an experience, but a part of who I am. I might not be in college anymore, but the person I became there is still the person I am today. The deep connections I had with people there are still the deep connections I have today. Just because I have felt lost does not mean that I am not the same passionate person I was at EMU. One close friend told me that I haven't changed at all. And while that is not quite true (as I hope I learned and grew through my time in Croatia and now at seminary) it was so good to be reminded that I am still me. I am still that person I was at EMU even as I am finding what that means when I am in a new place. I needed to be with the people who know me completely to remind me of who I am and remind me just how loved I am.
          That is what I have felt the most of this trip. Just an incredible amount of love. I think a part of me wondered going back if the connections I felt with people would still be there. I was worried that I really was alone in the world. In Goshen it has been hard to form the same level of connections with people. But coming back East, my friendships haven't changed. The connections are still there and the love is deeper than ever. And it is this love I am going to take back with me. I am coming back to Indiana renewed, but I know hard times are still ahead. But instead of mourning being far from the people I love most, I want to hold onto these moments and be able to feel this love when I am back feeling lonely again.
          And I think that I finally have closure on my college experience. My time at EMU was amazing, but it is time to move on. But I know that it will always be a part of me. It will always be home. The people and the place will always be there when I need it most. And knowing this, I hope I can finally fully embrace my seminary experience and the ways Goshen will transform my life. I have so many more thoughts about what this week has meant for me and hopefully I will be able to process it more and do more writing. But I end this post with the lyrics of a Yellowcard song. For me, my "southern air" is EMU and all the people I love most in my life.

I've watched the world go by
Outside a window I still can't believe
Where I am now

It's been forever long
Adventures come and gone
And I'm left alone
But not let down

'Cause I have found a gravity
A voice that pulls me to my knees
Tellin' me remember where you're from

This southern air is all I need
Breathe it in and I can see
Canvases behind my eyes
All the colors of my life

This southern air is in my lungs
It's in every word I've sung
It seems the only truth I know
This will always be home

I thought about the day
When I could truly say I'm better now, well here I am
'Cause I have let this gravity grab a hold and carry me
and I will not
Forget where I am from
Forget where I am from

This southern air is all I need
Breathe it in and I can see
Canvases behind my eyes
All the colors of my life

This southern air is in my lungs
It's in every word I've sung
Seems the only truth I know
This will always be home
Always be home
Always be home

The sun lays down inside the ocean, I'm right where I belong
Feel the air, the salts on my skin the future's coming on
And after living through these wild years and coming out alive
I just want to lay my head here, stop running for a while

This southern air is all I need
Breathe it in and I can see
Canvases behind my eyes
All the colors of my life

This southern air is in my lungs
It's in every word I've sung
Seems the only truth I know
This will always be home
Always be home

Heaven When We're Home

I have been meaning to put up a new post and will soon, but for now, here are the lyrics to a favorite song of mine that recently came across my Pandora station. It seems to be a really fitting song for this time in my life. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNaNDt5Bu6s

Don't know what time it is, I've been up for way too long
and I'm too tired to sleep
I call my mother on the phone, she wasn't home,
and now I'm wondering the street
I've been a fool, I've been cruel to myself
I've been hanging onto nothing
when nothing could be worse than hanging on
And something tells me there must be
something better than all this

I've fallen many times in love and every time
it's been with the wrong man
Still I'm out there living one day at a time
and doing the best I can
Cuz we've all made mistakes
that seem to lead us astray
But every time they helped to get us where we are today
And that's a good a place as any
and it's probably where we're best off anyway

It's a long and rugged road
and we don't now where it's headed
But we know it's going to get us where we're going
And when we find what we're looking for
we'll drop these bags and search no more
'Cuz it's going to feel like heaven when we're home
It's going to feel like heaven when we're home

There's no such thing as perfect,
and if there is we'll find it when we're good and dead
Trust me I've been looking
bu tonight I think I'll go and take a bath instead
And then maybe I'll walk a while
and feel the earth beneath me
They say if you stop looking
it doesn't matter if you find it
And whose to say that even if I did
it's what I'm really looking for

It's a long and rugged road
and we don't now where it's headed
But we know it's going to get us where we're going
And when we find what we're looking for
we'll drop these bags and search no more
'Cuz it's going to feel like heaven when we're home
It's going to feel like heaven when we're home

Fighting For Change

          This past month has had many of life's normal ups and downs. I have not been motivated at all to write, which makes me sad because writing is one of the things that usually makes me feel better. I actually read a chapter for my cultural hermeneutics class about blogging and how blogging shapes people as it is a space where they can be vulnerable and think and reflect on who they are in the world. I know that my blog has helped shape me for the past three years as I have tried to be honest about who I am and the feelings I go through. As I reflect on my experiences, share them with others, and then read them later, I can see myself changing through the writing experience.
          So how have I been changing lately? In my last blog post I shared how I have felt my dreams changing. In the last few weeks, I have realized that this is not completely true. I had to read A Problem From Hell: America and the Age of Genocide by Samantha Powers for my Suffering and Hope class and as I read, I remembered my passion for human rights work. I thought that this passion had gone away since things in Croatia did not work out. However, as I read, I realized they had not. Of course this led to freaking out as I wondered what I was doing in Goshen, Indiana. But believe it or not, there is human rights work to be doing here, too.
          Last week, I went to a presentation by Dr. James Loewen. Dr. Loewen wrote the book Lies My Teacher Told Me: Everything Your American History Textbook Got Wrong. He was speaking at AMBS about racism and what we should be doing. One area of research he has been involved in is sundown towns. He writes on his website, "From Maine to California, thousands of communities kept out African Americans (or sometimes Chinese Americans, Jewish Americans, etc.) by force, law, or custom. These communities are sometimes called "sundown towns" because some of them posted signs at their city limits reading, typically, "Nigger, Don't Let The Sun Go Down On You In ___." Some towns are still all white on purpose. Their chilling stories have been joined more recently by the many elite (and some not so elite) suburbs like Grosse Pointe, MI, or Edina, MN, that have excluded nonwhites by "kinder gentler means." It turns out that Goshen is a sundown town. At the presentation I went to, several African American women spoke up saying that they grew up in Elkhart and knew that they could not be in Goshen at night. They would go in for a sports event or such, but then made sure they left before sundown. This terrible part of Goshen's past is only now being recognized. The Community Relations Commission is trying to pass a resolution in City Council that acknowledges that Goshen had these racist policies, they were wrong, and they will not happen again. I went to the Commission's meeting tonight and was able to hear about the process they have gone through to try to pass this resolution, as well as working on future strategies and plans to eliminate discrimination in this town.
          I am excited to hear about this work that is happening! As I have learned a lot about race in the past couple of years, it is good to know of initiatives that are moving forward and ones that I can be a part of. I am wondering what an internship would look like (I am required to do an internship) with the Community Relations Committee as I would take on special projects related to diversity and human rights issues in Goshen. It was also interesting to learn about sundown towns as I have thought about my own racial autobiography. I have now had to write two different racial autobiographies... first for my race and gender class in undergrad and last semester for my church and race class. I have written that I have grown up in all-white towns and thus have not had contact with people of other races. I now realize, though, that it was on purpose that these towns were (and still are!) mostly white! Berne, Indiana, where I lived from age 10-18 is on the list for sundown towns in Indiana. This history makes me so mad, but also gives me the motivation to work for social change.
          On Sunday I met with a friend who is at Goshen College and his enthusiasm for wanting to make a difference in the world and address social problems reminded me of my passion for social change and social justice. I think through the hard realities of the past two years, I have forgotten this. At EMU I was surrounded by like-minded students who shared my dreams and had professors that encouraged us to try to make change. And we were able to do it! I got to help pass a resolution at EMU! But since graduating, I have not taken these skills with me. I have become jaded by the pessimism of people as well as the reality that life is not like college. But talking with this friend, and learning about Goshen's resolution, I am finding these dreams again and thinking about concrete ways I can contribute to change around me.
          After the Commission's meeting, I had tea with an awesome coworker of mine and we were able to talk about some problems we see, but then also form ideas of how to fight for change. It felt so empowering to brainstorm together as well as just sit together in solidarity. We even talked about starting a Women's group here in Goshen to empower each other and other women. We don't want to live in a white patriarchal society and so we can decide to work together against some of these structures we see in place. And so even though we talked about some hard stuff happening (race and gender issues) I felt excited thinking about organizing again and finding ways to make social change right here in Goshen, Indiana.

Finding New Dreams: Becoming a Goshenite

          Last weekend I had a breakdown. It came after a few weeks of being depressed and not knowing quite what to do. Part of it was what I described in my last post of not being sure if seminary is right for me and being overwhelmed with school and work. But another large part is that I have lost some of my dreams. For the longest time, I have wanted to work in international peace work. In this blog I have written about the need to go to Iraq or Afghanistan to make a positive change, then my life-changing trip to Kurdistan after which I promised myself I would go back. I had plans to obtain my masters in human rights studies after doing on-the-ground peace work. However, after coming home from Croatia, I have lost my desire to live abroad. I have lost my desire to get another masters degree. For the first time, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I am mourning the loss of my old dreams while struggling to figure out what my new ones are.
          Before anyone starts to feel sorry for me, I want you to know that sometimes it is good to breakdown. Sometimes we need to breakdown to start anew. After a quick trip home to Ohio, I came back and decided to make some changes in my life. The biggest change is that I moved from Elkhart to Goshen. It is only 17 minutes away, but already I am excited about this change. I was stressed because I was working so many jobs, so I decided to quit my jobs in Elkhart and take up more hours in Goshen at Maple City Market. Maple City Market is the food co-op in Goshen and has been such a great place to work. I have transitioned into sales staff and really love helping customers and getting to know my coworkers. I love having a job I really like with an organization whose purpose is in line with my values. The move is also good because I never connected to a community in Elkhart, but am making more friends here in Goshen. There seems to be more things going on and fun ways to be involved such as trivia night at the local bar. I am just a mile from downtown so I can easily walk to work and other events happening there. I moved for the time being into a house with a friend from seminary and his wife and wife's cousin, but will need to find a new place come June.
          Other than spending time becoming better friends with people in Goshen, I have started running again as I train for my second half marathon. I am completely sore after running 12.5 miles this last week, but it feels good to be out again and working towards a goal. It might be a little tough this winter to train (we got 12 inches of snow yesterday and the high today is 17 degrees F) but I hope to get through it. Once the weather warms up, I hope to play tennis with friends and go on some long bike rides as cross-training.

          These next few months I am dedicated to becoming actively involved in Goshen life and finding new dreams. I don't know what they will look like but it is kind of exciting. My life is a blank book before me and it is up to me to write the story (I know this is a little cheesy but who says cheese isn't good...well except for me since I am a vegan). I am excited about being a Goshenite and seeing what life has in store for me here. Classes began again today and I feel excited once more for studying. I have some great professors this semester, ones with whom I feel I can be myself and ask hard questions. So for the time being, life seems good. I am trying to have a new outlook in which I acknowledge that dreams change, but new ones will pop up as I open myself to new possibilities and commit myself to a new community.

First update of 2015

          It has been almost two months since I last posted. This has been for a lot of reasons. First, my life has continued to be extremely busy. Even with Christmas Break, I feel like I have had no time to just relax and get caught up on sleep. My break was full of finishing up papers, working extra hours, and then traveling to Ohio, back to Indiana for my Grandma Schmidt's memorial service, then to Kansas for family Christmas, back to Ohio to visit my spiritual director in Cincinnati, then finally back here on New Year's Eve to work. Currently I am in a two-week intensive class entitled Education for Peace and Justice. The class is going fine, but it is exhausting having class everyday while still working several of my jobs. I am hoping that I will be able to relax some next week, but already have picked up extra work shifts while I have the time.
          I also haven't written because honestly, I haven't been all that great. I have been tired, stressed, and just kind of sad. I have been frustrated as winter has set in with a mean vengeance. I know I shouldn't complain because I chose to move to Northern Indiana, but I just hate cold and hate snow. And it looks like it is here to stay for a very long time. I have also realized that my precarious balance of work and school is not working. I am left feeling like I have not given my best to any place, but instead am just tired. I think that the transition is also still hard. While at first, being back in the United States felt so good and I was so excited to be in a place where it seemed I fit in, this feeling has worn off. I am glad to be where I am, but I also am not as settled as I would wish. While I am continuing to build friendships, my closest friend here is about to move away at the end of February and I am panicked at the thought of losing her. She has been a huge means of support and love to me, so it is hard to imagine who will be my go-to person when she is gone.
          Finally, I wonder if seminary is right for me. I really did love my classes last semester. I love studying theology and having meaningful conversations with people. However, I still have so many doubts about God that are not going away. The class I am in now is reading some psalms of lament. I can identify with the laments, but then they turn to words of praise, and I cannot identify with it. I cannot seem to get past my agnosticism. Sometimes this is okay, but other times I feel very much like an outsider here. I wish I could just believe, but there is still something (most days) holding me back. Especially with the lack of sleep I am experiencing, it has been hard to stay positive and stay involved in the learning.
          I always take a risk when I write some of my negative feelings down because that is only one part of my life. Even as I have felt a bit depressed, there have also been a lot of really good things happening. I loved reconnecting with friends and family over Christmas. I especially loved getting to see my nephew again. He is just so cute and lovable. I also continue to really like my job at Maple City Market, the food co-op in Goshen. The people are great, as well as getting to be a part of that community. Goshen has actually become a really great place as the downtown has been revitalized and many new businesses and people are coming in. It is exciting to see the local food movement grow and prosper.
          Today also happens to be my birthday and it has been fun to receive messages from friends across the world. My mom is here for the week taking a class, so she will take me and a friend out to eat tonight. I am also having a few friends over for a small party on Sunday, which should be really fun. Pastor's Week is coming up soon, which is exciting due to my family coming for the week (including my nephew!). I am also beginning to plan possible adventures for this spring and summer. I hope to do an east coast trip to visit friends around Easter, then possible international travel this summer. All these things, as well as thinking about warmer weather and spending time outside, bring me hope and happiness.
          I really want to start writing more. Writing has always been a good way for me to process all the different things happening in my life, and I am afraid that I have not done it enough lately. I also hope to be able to write about some of the research I did last semester, as well as more of the random thoughts and dreams I am currently thinking about.